Help!!!! How do I tell dates about what I have done........

Hey Nancy! I am dealing with this as a divorced woman in my late 40's. I fell madly in live with a man, I dated him for 22 months and wasn't intimate until we were committed to one another. He knew of my weight loss and my scars but in his mind he never really imagined them because they were such a "turn off" -

I recently posted this on another forum.

I think my problem with men, lies in the fact that I am not intimate until I fall in love and am in a committed relationship.  I can look pretty nice in clothing.  I know how to dress to hide my flaws and Dr S has given me much to work with - ie. flat tummy, bigger eyes and a round butt.  I spend a good amount of time with these guys, we fall in love and then we are intimate and they end up finding my scars and thighs unattractive.  I tend to pick men who are very successful and very fit.  The first guy was a millionaire (never knew that until we had dated for over a year) and he was a body builder with an extremely high IQ.  We were extremely compatible and I loved spending time with him.  This last Guy is a personal trainer, Mensa member (I met him at a Mensa event) - and very sweet.

Men have to be physically attracted to a woman or he won't be able to perform.  I finally understand this concept.  Some men can look past the physical and find the heart and spirit attractive and that works for them, others are so into the physical attraction they simply cannot look past the appearance.  It's hard on me, but I see that it is hard on them too.  They don't see themselves as a superficial ass, but they certainly come off that way.

Maybe if I was intimate earlier, they would reject me and move on and I wouldn't be so hurt.  My heart wouldn't have been involved and it wouldn't be such a big deal.

I hear it a​ll the time from my married friends, "just kick the jerk to the curb" well it just isn't that easy! When you spend long periods of time with these guys and they love your personality and you love theirs - a bond forms and the heart gets involved. 

I wanted to add something here.  I dated that guy for 22 months and we went to therapy and really worked on this "him finding my unattractive due to my scars" situation.  He could never get past it, even though he really wanted to.

I think, we have to be patient and not change our morals and sleep with a guy too early just because we need to see if he finds us appealing.  I am hopeful.  I just endured the same rejection before Christmas with a different guy I have dated for the last year.  I was angry and hurt, but I can't allow myself to be bitter.

I know there are a few good men out there who can look at us through eyes of Love and not eyes of judgment.  As I told the first guy, I have been present as a nurse in the last moments of many people's lives and it is not the "hot wife or the ******" they recall of their lives - it is the loving wife that held their hand and supported them through the good and bad times.  We need to find a man who will love us for our hearts.

It will happen.  I have to believe!  Until then, I will be honest, not too honest initially, but honest enough so that he understands my eating behaviors and I will share as needed my "before pictures" so that he sees how far I've come, but I will allow my heart to tell me when that time is right.  It's not always good too early on.  And I will continue to leave my heart and mind open to finding that special man.

Dee,

Thanks for weighing in on your struggles.  You would have thought that if you showed the guy a pic of you before and then after all the changes to our bodies, that he'd get it.  The scars are really nothing.  It is the heart.  If the lights are low and a few candles burning, can they really tell?

It is frustrating, maybe that's why I generally don't bother.  I've sent emails to some of the gentlemen that I've been matched up with, and they don't even bother to respond.  Who knows how many are married or what not. 

I go to dinner, plays, musicals and movies with my GFs, not a date, but we have fun.  Sometimes I miss the closeness and cuddling, but my puppies love hugs and sleeping with me.  Not the same, but protects the heart and keeps life in a rolling hill pattern rather then the steep cliffs and avalanches on the downside.

Thanks Chris!

Well, you know me, I am very proud of what I've accomplished.  I'm not shy, I am playful and love intimacies with my partner.  The last guy refused to look at my befores.  He said that he didn't want to ever have that image of me in his mind.  The last guy saw them, but said he never really considered scars.  Oh brother!

The first guy married a year after we broke up, he married a beautiful girl in her early 40's who's never been married and never had children or a weight problem.  He recently admitted to a friend that he missed me - he had never met anyone as sexy and playful and just fun to be around as I am.  Life goes on....

That does say volumes.  He gets the blonde bombshell, but at what cost.  Is a body worth more than a mind?  It's a little too late for him now.   In a way, you'd want to feel sorry for him, but after what he put you through, maybe he deserves what he got. 

I find that the men in my age group want the 35-40yr olds, and the guys in the 70s are looking at me, which they are just too old.  Maybe when I get back from MTY, I'll redo my profile and pics and see what's out there.  Then again, maybe not...

In one of my candid conversations with Will, the man I met after WLS but before PS, I told him how much I appreciated his being ok with it all.  Like SweetLilyAnn, I was very nervous about the subject and did the whole dim lights/sexy lingerie/high heels/hoping he won't notice the extra skin bit.    He told me that he was very OK with it BECAUSE I was very OK with it!  If I had been insecure or doubting, then he would have reacted to THAT and not the physical person in front of him.  But he said when I told him that I had taken control of my health, made decisions to support, lived the life to support that and had planned for the next step in my journey there was nothing for him to respond to but the sexiness of my confidence in myself.  I have never felt the need to explain the hows and whys of what I choose to eat.

Yes, we all way OVERTHINK these things, especially when we are trying to see if from a man's POV!!! 

And I agree, it would be different for a women in her 20's dating a man in her generation rather than the 40's that I am in living.

in my rather limited experience, I'd have to say that what Pam said about our comfort level affecting theirs definitely matters. I think confidence is huge and it can be really hard to interact with someone whose struggling with so much of their own insecurity in something.

I am in my 20s and dated a few people post WLS/ pre plastic. I only took off my clothes for two of them, but they knew far in advance what the issue was, and I thought- If they had an issue with it, they would not be trying to take my clothes off.  I'm a more open person, so I tended to tell people as they became interested and to the extent that they wanted to know it.

I just recently finally wanted to be intimate intimate with someone.... I lost my virginity last night. He and I were good friends for over a year. He did admit that he wasn't that physically attracted to me, but eventually he said all of the other things about me outweighed the physical attraction issue. I feel similarly to him, actually (He's shorter than me, and nerdy looking). I guess with all of the trust and caring we had in our relationship, all of that we talked about this week during a trip together, with absolutely no problem. I'm only 3 1/2 weeks out, so he had to be careful sometimes, but he'd pull that abdominal binder off me and kiss my new stomach quite tenderly.

I would stress that guys like our inner confidence and acceptance of ourselves, which can be rough for us sometimes but its worth pursuing regardless of your relationship with a man. I'd also say to talk about it at a time when you dont have the possibility of being intimate, and when you're at a place of emotional strength yourself. I would have expected that my guy's lack of physical attraction to me would have stung, but he's only known me post WLS and pre-plastics and had never seen my skin, so it wasn't really that, or my scars. and honestly, it only made me respect him more and feel like our relationship had the potential to go very far if his attraction to me can grow based on non-physical things.

good luck with it, all of you!!!

 

Ladies I really think we create our own issues...not by being fat or having PS but by not being self confident. If you stroll into an encounter with the "I have all these horrible scars" attitude the guy is going to think that too. If you walk into the "Look at my new banging body" he's going to see that too. Take a deep breath, tell your mind to STFU, and strut your (new) stuff. 

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I am not saying this to be hateful, but life isn't always about strutting your stuff and being positive! I take offense to your post. I am one of the most positive people out there. I have no problem finding men and not loser men but men with established careers and fit handsome bodies. I fly regularly for work and pleasure and men always buy me drinks or offer limo service. My self esteem is high. I don't present myself as a scared piece of crap. I present myself as a woman who has a good career, a great personality and can be a partner who will love and support. I have a high IQ and deserve a good fulfilling relationship. Men are visual -,they like what they see, I stimulate their intellect and they fall in love with me! I always find it offensive when someone says what you have. 

This can be a rough time for women in their 40's.  Add WLS and plastics and things are not always unicorns and rainbows, regardless of how confident and hopeful you are.

Edit: I lost over 300 lbs, so my plastic surgery has been extensive and my body in the nude will never look as good as someone who lost less. That is a fact. Bottom line, be hopeful and don't give up, be honest when you feel the time is right and be patient. I don't doubt there is someone out there for me, will accept me and my body.  I am hopeful.