Question:
How can I tell my son and keep my privacy?
I live and work in a very small town. I am a single mother of a very articulate and outgoing 18 year old son. I have been on this path for over a year and have told only my parents and one close friend of my decision to have WLS. Now that I have a surgery date, I'm going to have to tell my son SOMETHING! I had wanted to have this done while he was away at school, but he has transferred into a college close to home and is living with me again. I am by nature a private person and abhor gossip. And I refuse to allow my private affairs to become common knowledge. Nothing to hide, I just don't want the grief of nosy people. Been there, done that. My son, on the other hand has been reared in a generation that thinks you can share EVERYTHING with everybody. We openly discuss all topics from A to Z, but I do not know if he is truly mature enough to realize how very important it is to me to be very discreet about this surgery. Has anyone else been through this? What was the outcome? — [Anonymous] (posted on February 4, 2002)
February 4, 2002
This is a hard situation to be in... you've got to let him know you're
having surgery and that you'd rather not talk about it... even with him. I
wouldn't lie to him and tell him it's "female" surgery, but many
people would. I think it depends on how much you trust him with the
information. Eventually, people probably WILL find out; for that reason, I
think it's better to be up front with him but to let him know that it will
hurt you very much if he tells others. Good luck!
— Julia M.
February 4, 2002
Hi there! This is just an opinion but I'd trust your son with having some
really good sense of knowing what is "shareable" and what is
private. I'd let him know for a couple of reasons: he can not only be a
good source of support for you but since we never know in our lives when
our life may change, he needs that time with you. Also, in having a good
heart to heart with him about the surgery, you might find out how he has
felt about your having weight issues. I told my 20 yr old son and he was
very supportive and let me know without being judgmental or degrading at
all that he hurt for me all of these years. He is one of my biggest
champions. I'm also one who needs her ducks in a row. So it gives you an
opportunity to make sure with him that t's are crossed and i's dotted.
Best to you.
— AJC750
February 4, 2002
Well, we must be sisters. I, too, live in a small town where gossip is the
number one hobby. And I, like you, hate it, every aspect of it. I grew up
for 30 years in Chicago, where you mind your own business. I hardly knew
my neighbors, which was fine with me. Well, I moved to small town USA to
raise my daughter when I became a single parent. I had Lap RNY and did the
honest thing, I signed up on this website under my real name. Then
B-I-N-G-O! Someone from this town started blabbing my name all over that
"So-and-so had her stomach stapled. You don't believe me? Well then,
just log on to www.obesityhelp.com and look up her name." Well, as
soon as I caught wind of all that, I had to go in, delete my real info and
signed back up under an assumed name. I feel like an "aka" here,
but I'm doing it for my own privacy issues. And like I always say, I am by
no means ashamed of this surgery, it's just that I will tell whomever
whenever I get ready. As far as telling you son something, if you think he
is mature enough (you'd have to be the judge of that), I'd sit him down and
tell him what's up and ask him to please keep it quiet. If you don't think
he's mature enough, tell him you're having a little bit of surgery, gall
bladder, stomach surgery, and leave it at that. But I am relating to you,
sister. You think your town is small? Do people where you live, listen to
the scanner and have them tuned in to people's telephone conversations and
then call the person up and tell them what so-and-so said about them? Yep,
it's true. Cordless phones here are a tool to say "Hold on a sec, I'm
on a cordless, let me switch over." I pity the fools.
— [Anonymous]
February 4, 2002
You KNOW your son, do you think he can keep a secret? Sounds like no. You
could tell him your getting your gall bladder out, then as soon as surgery
is complete tell him the truth. This way you will NOT get people telling
you horror stories before surgery. They can be unnerving.... NOW once your
a post op you might as well tell the whole truth. Theres NO hiding a 100
pound loss and most would rather have friends and co workers know the truth
than have them suspect cancer or AIDS. I myself have been mistaken for
having cancer. The BEST way to stop gossip is telling the truth...... Not
telling whats up will generate more GOSSIP than just the facts. Besides
this info may filter to a needy MO brother or sister who life can be saved
just hearing about you.
— bob-haller
February 4, 2002
People do love to gossip. If you share this info with your son, and he
shares it with ONE person, then you will be at that person's mercy. I only
told three people about my surgery. They have not shared it with a soul.
But, I have one very close friend who basically guessed that I had the
surgery by my limited eating capacity. I have had three people come to me
to tell me that she is telling everyone that I had bypass surgery and she
knows it!!!! I still deny and just say isn't that interesting? Where did
she get THAT idea?
Now, if you can't get people who don't even really know you had the surgery
to not gosssip about it, then how are you going to get someone armed with
the truth to keep it zipped. My body is my business and I wish everyone
would mind theirs!! Sorry, but that's how I feel.
— [Anonymous]
February 4, 2002
Tell your son you're having your gall bladder removed (if your surgeon does
that). If not, you can say abdominal surgery or major surgery for a
medical condition that needs to be corrected without being specific. You
can always go into more detail later, but you can't change what's already
been said.<P> My co-workers were told I was having my gallbladder
removed. I have been very happy with my choice to keep my WLS private. I
don't feel like a "fish in a fishbowl" every time I go out to
eat. <P>I've had a couple of people ask questions and I know they
were really concerned. I told them truthfully that my doctor said if I
don't lose the weight, my health will completely deteriorate within the
next 10 years. <P> Your life, your health, your choice. Good luck.
— [Anonymous]
February 5, 2002
OK.. maybe it's just my personality - or maybe I've lived with gossip
(ANOTHER SMALL TOWN HERE! lol) for so long that I've learned to a)purposely
avoid gossip - b)learned to 'tune out' something that somebody just HAS to
tell me anyway - c)gone to the SOURCE if I DO hear something that is of
concern to ME - but I don't understand why so many people want to keep
their surgery a big secret. (OK, SORRY FOR THE RUN-ON SENTENCE THERE) The
people who LOVE you will already know..and the rest can 'take a flying
leap..'! I had my surgery with a girlfriend...and with the ENTIRE
congregation of our church 'in the know'. Yes, there were a couple of
people who thought "That's the easy way out"..or "Why can't
she just push herself away from the table?". But their opinions had
NO bearing on ME - and what I had decided to do for/with MY life. On the
other side of the coin - I had an ENORMOUS support group!!! Their love and
concern for me..WHATEVER I decided to do was what kept me going during
moments when I wasn't really sure if I wanted to take the risk.. Here's
the BONUS!!!! I've become an 'inspiration' of sorts to a couple of women
in the church who are SERIOUSLY M.O. and I KNOW they're watching my
progress (and my girlfriend's progress) - to see if maybe this isn't an
option for THEM to start LIVING again..!! I plan to SHOUT IT FROM THE
ROOFTOPS about my surgery - and hope that I can provide the inspiration in
others who are afraid that it won't work, or that they'll die, or that
their lives may change for the WORSE! People are out there who NEED us a
role models...so they can start THEIR journey. Do Christians hide the fact
of their faith, because they're afraid of what others might think? Or do
they LET THE LIGHT SHINE so that others might see an end to THEIR darkness?
Good luck.. and God Bless :-)
— Diane E.
February 5, 2002
My 2 cents... I kept my WLS a secret except for my husband and 12 yr.old
son. Everyone else thinks I had Gall bl.
surgery( which I did at the same time of WLS). I simply told people that
while in the hospital and shortly after Ilost 20# and just decided to keep
on going, and now I'm on Atkins diet. ( which I am too, high protien little
carb)
So far.... everyone seems to buy it, and like someone else says when I go
out to eat, no one is saying "Oh, you shouldn't eat that!"...
etc.
— Cindee A.
February 6, 2002
Thank you everyone for your feedback. I have not yet come to a decision.
And as for Anonymous, yes it is your personality, but not mine and to each
his own. I appreciate the notion of once it is told, it cannot be untold.
A very good point. Yes, the people in this small community do listen to
conversations on their scanners. My brother always asks if we are on a
"secure" line when he calls. :) Gall bladder removal about 12
years ago, so that won't fly. Telling him the truth and damn the
consequences would in a sense be the easiest thing to do. Unfortunately
I've never been one to take the easy way out. I demand my privacy.
Another stressor in my life is the last thing I need. Surgery will be out
of state and this in itself will be unusual. I go back to the drawing
board. But thanks a million for your input.
— [Anonymous]
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