Question:
Im 8 mths out and nearly at goal and suddenly Im being told Im beautiful...help.
I can imagine how shallow or stupid this sounds but I can't handle being called beautiful. Two days ago, a man approached me in a store and said I was a 'rare beauty' and he would be honored to be able to get to know me. Hey, Ive not changed and I am freaked out that this is happening to me. I have been overeating (and throwing up) consistently for the last 2 days since this man came on to me. I knew I would be more 'normal looking' but beautiful? What does this say about me, has anyone had a similar experience? I didn't have this surgery or work so hard in the last 8 mths to be a tart. If the man had heard me speak or laugh or knew my mind I am sure I would not react so weirdly but I don't want to be 'just a pretty face'. I have always been a woman of 'substance' both physically and personality wise. And now have I devolved into nothing but a face and not the heart and soul I worked so hard to develop during my fat years? If I weren't in such a state I wouldn't have dared post this--perhaps by sharing others can live and learn. I need to figure out why this has created this emotional--I gotta eat--response and get back on track. What have others experienced? Please share. — MrsBacchus (posted on April 6, 2002)
April 6, 2002
Oh, hon, we are all approached at one time or another by someone who is
attracted to our phsical appearance, You must remind yourself that this
surgery changes your appearance. People will approach you merely for what
they see on the outside. Maybe you , like many, have been using your weight
as a safety zone. And now, you don't have that, though you are trying to
still have it by eating incorrectly. People are visual, and are attracted
to our "new" selves. You have to learn to accept the new you, and
remember your heart is still you. Perhaps give others a chance to know that
"you" that is in your heart. You are a beautiful person. Give
yourself time. And you may want to consider counseling to help you deal
with the new issues you're having to deal with. Good luck to you! Hugs,
Donna in AL
— Donna S. C.
April 6, 2002
Having weightloss surgery didn't take away your substance and your heart
and soul are still yours. I understand you're freaked out at the moment,
but try, if you can, to appreciate the fact that he noticed your outer
beauty. YOU know the fabulous person who resides on the inside and that's
what matters. :o)
— Samantha S.
April 6, 2002
Oh Mary! Slow down a little. Please do not think you are a
"tart" just because someone has said you are beautiful and/or has
come on to you. Men will be men, and it is only natural that they notice
our outer beauty first. It is up to you to make sure that they also
discover the inner beauty of you, but it takes time. I understand what you
are feeling and why, though. It is one of the reasons I became MO in the
first place. I was young, thin and attractive and it seemed that all the
guys were interested in was my looks (of course, we were in our teens and
twenties and guys don't have much substance at that age!) after a while I
started putting on weight to build that wall around me, thinking that
"okay, now they will have to love me for who I am on the inside,
because the outside is not as beautiful". If only I had known then
that they were only doing what was natural for them, and it was me that had
the power to keep them at bay long enough to get to know the inner
"me", but instead I believed that just because they came on to me
meant they were interested in me the person and would hang around to get to
know me. I would constantly give in to the "physical" desires
and then get left behind, as a result. This only reinforced that
"warped" notions that men only compliment you if they want to get
you into bed, they never take the time to get to know the "inner"
you except when the "outer" you is somewhat repulsive, and
finally that we women have "no" power to change any of this!
This is all a bunch of crap! Men are naturally going to notice our looks
first (don't you?) If they find us attractive, they say so. That is the
only way to open up the lines of communication in order to get to know the
"inner" person. Granted this guy could have not come on quite so
strong, and found another way to strike up conversation, but maybe he was
truly in awe of your beauty and just blurted out what was in his head, or
maybe he was just a jerk that wanted to see what he could get! Just
remember that it is you that has the power to make sure a person takes the
time to get to know "Mary", and if they don't hang around to do
so, their loss. You are bound to get compliments on your appearance now,
it's perfectly normal....don't take it as though that is all the person
sees or that you are less of a person now, because that's what people
notice first. People noticed your MO first, before, but most of the time
did not comment on it, because it's not nice to say "gee, you're
awfully fat, but I'd like to get to know you!". On the other hand, it
is nice for people to notice and comment on your appearance now. I am
still pre-op, and don't know, based on my past experiences exactly how I
will handle compliments and come-ons in the future, but I hope I can
graciously accept them for what they are and go on. I have started
counseling, not only to help deal with my food issues, but issues like
yours, as well. Maybe it is something you might consider. Hope I have
helped and didn't ramble too much. Good luck.
— DJeffrey
April 6, 2002
I am only 19 day post-op but your experience is exactly what I dread the
most.
When I was younger - it seemed as if every male I encountered came on to me
or noticed me. Sometimes the attention felt inappropriate and made me feel
uncomfortable.
I am sure one of the reasons I started gaining weight was to stop the
advances - I just didn't know how to handle them and I wanted them to stop
(I also felt like some women would show anger towards me because of my
looks). I just wanted people to deal w/me for me.
This may have been reality or it could have just been the way I dealt with
the attention - I am not sure.
To prepare for the onslaught of advances from men and maybe even women from
a physical perspective - I have started theraphy.
I want to conquer this thing and deal with the attention in a way that is
not self-destructive. Maybe you should consider doing the same....
— Yvette W.
April 6, 2002
I would suggest you seek therapy. It is not at all out of the ordinary for
a man to compliment a woman on her beauty - that's just what men do. There
must be a reason it has made you feel so horrible. The fact that it has
made you so drastically turn to food, is of special concern here. There
are only two options here: 1) Make yourself ugly, which I am sure is not
even possible, or 2) Seek help to resolve your issues with being noticed as
beautiful.
— PaulaM
April 6, 2002
I echo the other posters, THERAPY! I have lost 150 pounds three times in
my life and gained it all back each time. I didn't have any help with the
emotions that I felt when thin, and I know I need therapy now. I am almost
three months post-op now and still have the security blanket of 150 extra
pounds, but am starting treatment with a therapist in April. For me, I
have problems establishing boundaries. The extra padding created its own
physical boundary so I didn't have to work on learning how to say no to
unwanted attention because there wasn't any. I hope working on this issue
during the losing period will help me when I get there. Good luck!
— Kris V.
April 6, 2002
Being fat definitely serves a purpose. It protects us from being sexual
objects. People are FORCED to see our wonderful personalities, etc.
Unfortunately, now that you're thin, you're facing a common problem many
beautiful women face daily ... being treated like a woman rather than a
person. There are no easy answers to this problem, except that you need
therapy. You are running back to food, because it's scary to be so
"exposed." I lost 174 lbs. after gastric bypass and am living in
a whole new body now. I am routinely called "sweetie" and
"hon." Men come on to me, even though I'm happily married and
open about it. Getting skinny definitely has its repercussions. Good
luck!!
— Terissa R.
April 6, 2002
Please dont take this the wrong way, I mean NO disrespect, but....maybe
your REALLY ARE BEAUTIFUL. I am PRE-op and I look in the mirror and I see
a distortion of what I used to be. My true looks cannot be seen through
all this padding. When you were MO you worked on your inner beauty as you
stated and now you have worked on your outer beauty (and your health) and
are reaping rewards. NOW YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CONGRATS....ALL OF YOUR HARD WORK HAS PAID OFF!!!!!!!
— cherokey55
April 7, 2002
I wanted to respond to this, because at around 6-8 months post-op, I
started feeling very vulnerable and naked around anyone who would notice,
or look at, me. I felt like crawling under a rock especially when men
looked my way, it was a new feeling, and very embarrassing. However, as
more and more weight began to come off, and the more comfortable I became
with my new "self" the better I started feeling about men looking
my way. Now, I love it. It helps me to remember from where I have come.
Just hang in there, I think it is a progression in our thinking as our
bodies change, and as our minds try to catch up to our bodies. YOu are
doing great!!!
— twenc
April 7, 2002
Hi Mary! I definately agree with a couple of the other posters that you
may need some therapy.. Or maybe a little soul searching of your own would
be just as helpful.
I wonder why it would affect you so much that you felt like sabotaging
yourself?
You will certainly need to get used to men hitting on you (even really
weird ones who may creep you out! LOL!!).. I'm not saying that you're not
beautiful, and I'm sure you are, but anyone who would come up to a complete
stranger and say something like that is probably not dealing with a full
deck!! ;o)
When someone creeps you out like that, you just brush it off and move on!!
Congrats on the weight loss and keep up the good work!!!
— Nicole A.
April 8, 2002
Men have treated me like crap my whole life because I am fat-even when i
thought i was beautiful. I plan on using my new found future beauty to my
full advantage. Revenge is a Bi***.
— Suzie ..
April 8, 2002
I would recommend some counseling or therapy. You had the surgery to loose
weight and be more beautiful, and now you are upset because somebody
recognizes that? Guys, hey I am one, are going to give you lines to pick
you up, you have the choice to either give them a chance or tell them to
get lost and that you are not interested, but to try to go on a 2 day binge
because somebody tried a pick-up line on you is not very healthy, both from
a psychological as well as a physical aspect.
— Dell H.
April 9, 2002
Wowza! You are going to have to get used to that...guys are going to pay
more attention to you and it doesnt mean you dont have substance. They
cant read your mind and think "Oh wow...she is really smart. I think I
am going to talk to her" Looks is all people can judge you by at
first sight. Just think of it as you are intellegent, have a great
personality AND are beautiful!! But the guys dont learn about the
personality and intellegence until they get to know you. I get a little
weirded-out at people that are a little too direct because I dont know what
to say and didnt expect it. It doesnt make you a tart unless you got in
his backseat ;-) Take care and get back to watching what you eat!
— Nicole0105
May 8, 2002
Happily, I am married and don't have to worry about the dating game which I
always found was an exercise in humiliation. <----semi kidding.
You don't have to accept an offer for a date just because a guy asks you.
I have a lovely friend who regularly gives guys their walking papers. She
has had lots of pratice so it doesn't bother her. Sounds like you will
too, lucky thing! Guys ask out many girls and get few 'yes' so they
expect it. Don't worry about hurting their feelings too much. Take care
of your feelings right now and take as long as you like to start dating.
You have the power to decide when, where, and IF you will go out with
someone. Best Wishes to you on your road to good health! :)
— Carmen K.
May 8, 2002
hi, here are a couple of ideas. One thing that might help you deal with the
attention is to wear a wedding band when you go out. I know this is
deceptive but I think it's better than hiding in a fat body. I always
preferred to go out with at least one other woman, usually one who had no
problem telling men to get lost. If I'm ever anywhere near goal weight I
will probably need counseling for some of the same issues. It's been a
month since you posted this question so you probably have this all figured
out now anyway! I hope you find a man who accepts "No!" and
sticks around to enjoy the inner you!
— Michelle F.
June 1, 2002
One of the reasons why ,I have stayed fat is because , I feel safe in my
"SHELL" , this is what my Therapist and I have came to realize,
& one of the reasions why I have putt of the surgery for so long,No men
bother me when Im as fat as I am.... I once was skinny (years ago) and had
men come on to me, Now that IM FAT , IM SAFE and I really have came to like
that , I dont know how Im going to handel ?NOT BEING SAFE! Maybe your over
eating in the last few days ,is because your trying to Hide in that food, I
used to do the very same thing & I still do it as I have not had the
surgery yet & Im dealing with my problems that got me fat in the first
place...... its a "one day at a time ,deal" WE ARE ALL PRETTY
& HANDSOM ! big and or small
— Michelle M.
June 14, 2002
Well I think I am jealous of you having this experience.
My experience now before the surgery I don't understand
and didn't know how to react. I am dumbfounded. I
met this man I dated 1 time 2 l/2 years ago when I was
much less weight and looked at lot better and healther.
Now when it was 3 weeks before surgery he wants to go
out with me again. I told him what I was going to go
thru and it didn't seem to faze him. I am so unhealthy
and can't cope probably for the next year. I am barely
hanging in there trying to keep my stressful job. So
I am saying to myself why now? What's the matter with him?
Not what's the matter with me. Wonder if he would go away
and come back in a year. It is utterly ridiculous. So
enjoy being called beautiful--when was the last time you
heard that. I got rid of my old friend and very alone.
— S B.
October 2, 2002
Dear Mary T. I had been heavy for so long I forgot I had bones and a
beautiful stiking face. I am Auburn haired naturally with oversized eyes
men find attractive. Lately men stare at me, open doors for me and go out
of their way to be kind. It was very hurtful to feel they would not look
at you when I was heavy, but remember we all have our predjudices. Make a
game of it. My husband and I have gotten closer by knowing that I was
beautiful inside first and always. I dress nice, we go to our local shops
and we both watch and laugh at the reactions of the shallower men. Make it
a game...enjoy your physical beauty now.
God bless you and take care.
— Audrionna S.
November 1, 2002
while i'm mere days from my surgery date, i had lost 135 lbs several years
ago (and subsequently gained them back)....
you claim that you haven't changed....but, you have...YOU, the real you,
the woman who has lived each and every minute of every day of your life, is
still the same...however the packaging is 'new and improved'...and it
doesn't make you a 'tart' or anything else, other than a repackaged you...
are you in therapy??? i don't ask that to be insulting, but because you
seem to have some issues going on, to the extent of binging and
purging....and, while you claim to 'not have had the surgery, or to have
worked so hard in the last 8 months, to become a tart', you also didn't go
through everything just to sabotage yourself now...
a question: you don't get to know, even slightly, every person you
pass.... you are 'a ship, which passes in the night'... since we, as
people, tend to categorize others ('gee, he looks friendly'....'wow, i'd
better cross the street, i don't like the looks of that person') how can
you help but be an anonymous face to most of the world? and if some
portion of that most of the world feels, subjectively, that you are
attractive, where is the harm?
when i had previously lost weight, and 'suddenly' found myself down from a
28 to a 16, i also found that i had a LOT of latent hostility... to men, to
the world in general, to myself..... and, since we tend to project onto
others that which is going on inside ourselves, therapy might be helpful.
just an idle question, but, are you prejudiced against 'pretty' women? do
you, automatically, think they are airheads?? that is as harmful as the
prejudices we have to deal with... the bill maher's of this world aren't
alone in propagating harmful, hurtful, hateful stereotypes.
i wish you luck and health....healing and love, and joy...
— tuxedoll
January 6, 2003
Mary, I know exactly what you are talking about. I discovered over my many
gains and losses that one of my triggers is having the opposite sex pay
attention to me. It makes me very nervous. I too will have to find a way to
work through this. I am just starting down the WLS road, and while I am
really excited about FINALLY getting rid of this stuff, I am also afraid of
being attractive again. I think all you can is, say thanks, and go from
there. Keep yourself centered and don't let it throw you.
— doglover
April 11, 2003
Listen--you've really got to lighten up--essentially what you're doing is
partaking in bulimic behavior which will ultimately destroy you and your
body. (Might have some deep sexual issues, as well--bulimia is usually a
symptom of sexual abuse or other trauma). On a lighter note: If someone
says you're beautiful--that's a gift to you--God truly didn't make us all
physically beautiful--He may not be a respecter of persons but there are
some folks He made a little more average than others. Anyway, what that
guy said was a discrete message that you can either hold onto or discard.
We all judge books by they're covers--we're not invested in knowing the
intimate parts of everyone we see--sometimes it's just nice to admire the
view. This guy was just admiring the view--it doesn't make you a tart or a
souless, empty pretty girl. You can't stop the world from happening to
you--I'm happy someone sees your beauty--I'm happy for YOU-- because one
day when your mind catches up with all those physical changes, you just may
revel in comments like those and remember how much work you did to get to
where you are now! As a side note--I spent 12 years being a bulimic--and I
was a usually at a normal weight. Thank God that's in the past and
currently at my all time high weight, people constantly tell me I'm
beautiful and some days I can get with that and some days I don't feel it.
C'est la vie! Take some photos of yourself--be totally self-absorbed with
looking at your new self! And get a good therapist with whom to talk. I
pray for your well being! GB
— gina B.
October 12, 2003
Hmm...I thought I'd say a few things from experiencing the the same
situation but the opposite reaction. Even at 325lbs I was still hit on
every day. Being 6'0 with insanely thick wavy blond hair to my waist makes
me stand out in a crowd. I've always been a great shape overall and have
what I can assume is a basic, nice face. I seemed to have almost too much
of a self esteem. (Confidence is attractive) BUT it made me blind to the
fact that I was letting myself go. I've always stood out. Now I'm still
heavy at 185lbs but a 32" waist and 36DD's, with hips to match, looks
good on such a tall frame to a lot of people....Funny thing, it seems as if
I'm bragging here. But I'm not. I'm just trying to convince myself, even
here, that I look good. As I've lost the wieght, the less confident I've
become. I cannot even go to the corner store without getting stopped
multiple times. It frustrates me and my loved ones who are constantly
annoyed by my being late. Being thinner has made me even more of a freak
show. But I bring it on myself. Having been so large I demanded myself to
always look my best, even at midnight in a gas station. So YES I do get mad
at people making such a big fuss over my being beautiful. But I need it now
more than ever because logically I know I truly stand out but inside I
don't see myself as so. As opposed to the majority: the more I lose, the
more I feel like crap about myself. AND HERE'S THE PART TO READ: These
people who not only think we are beautiful, but feel compelled to exclaim
it, are a gift! Even sometimes a hit over the head when we need it. We've
come into our beauty after a very hard journey. We're here! Stop fighting,
sit back and enjoy the rewards and be part of the beautiful scenery.
— TCwright
November 4, 2003
I completely understand how you feel. I am almost 2 years post op and VERY
uncomfortable if given a compliment.
— Goldilauxx B.
December 16, 2003
My feelings were sooo hurt recently by a male co-worker that stopped me
to say that I had a pretty face now. Instead of accepting his compliment,
I lectured him on how shallow that statement made him appear exclaiming
that afterall, he had known me for more than 5 years. Now that I'm 10
months post op, his thought that I had a pretty face just hurt my feelings.
I further stated that my face, has been the same face that it's always
been. Just thinner. I know deep down he was just trying to find a polite
way of saying he had noticed the changes in my body, but it just didn't hit
me right.
A few days later, I appoligized to him for my reaction. As tears filled
my eyes, he looked at me and said he was sorry to have come across that way
to me. He said he later considered the things I had said, and realized the
years of pain I must have gone through being the "odd man out."
I spent so much time trying to be noticed by my caring actions, good
deeds, super support, and intelligence that I had forgotten that I even
exsisted on the outside. And it's hard to be noticed for those exciting
changes that are occuring now. I don't want to be just another pretty
face. I've worked hard in the community proving that obese people have
what it takes to make it work. I'm not used to being "one of the
crowd." Emotionally, it was sometimes easier being the "odd man
out," especially when that's all you have known.
I guess what I'm trying to say, is this has been an unforgetable
emotional journey. I've felt things within the last year, that I've never
felt in my life before. I'm fearful of becoming one of those shallow
individuals that I loathed when I was in high school. Maybe that's why the
compliment didn't make me feel good.
— Christy G.
January 2, 2004
Oh boy! After years of weight losses and gains and gains, I find it amazing
how your "fair weathered" friends are afraid of you now, or at
least jealous, you're no longer the "fat one". And remember the
"cool" people who didn't want anything to do with your fat self,
now want to be your friend? It's very weird, I know now the friends i'll be
losing, they're the ones telling me not to do this, I look fine...at 320,
right. Then there are those "work friends" who think it's a great
idea, and already planning on me "going out" with them. I'm
apparently not good enough now, but I will be...to them. My brain I guess
is engourged with fat, and I'll be normal when it's gone. Know this in
advance, and you'll be able to handle it better. I had guys hit on me that
I had known for years. I ignored them. People will notice you for your
looks, it's human nature. Let them know the real you..don't let flattery
get them anywhere. Good Luck!
— Beckie R.
January 2, 2004
I am 2 years out and I thought the same thing that i will be pissed if
people treat me different! but u know what " i treat my self
different, im not so hard on myself" so i dont blame people for
reacting in a good way. Just learn to smile and say thanks!
— Laura C.
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