Question:
I do not intend on telling a lot of my family and friends about my surgery
Has anyone gotten by with this and if so how did you explain your weight loss. I am a private person and prefer that everyone not know I went through this surgery. I am not ashamed as I have told those I want to know. Others, I think it just isn't their business. Any suggestions or how to handle this or should I just bite the bullet and tell them? — Michele K. (posted on July 1, 2002)
July 1, 2002
How many folks do YOU know that have lost 100 pouns in a short time and
kept it off? Before you knew about WLS and if you saw someone slim down so
fast what conclusion would you have come to? Cancer, AIDS or other dreaded
disease? If you want lots of rumorsjust keep it a secret, people will
speculate and draw bad conclusions. I say tell everyone!!! Although to
prevent horror stories it might be best to wait till the actual surgery is
over...
— bob-haller
July 1, 2002
Someone on this site gave a wonderful answer: Once you tell, you can NEVER
un-tell! If people ask me how I lost the weight, I tell them the truth: I
finally got sick enough of being fat and unhealthy that I did whatever I
needed to lose the weight. PERIOD. I too do not feel like telling the
world. I told my closest people and that was enough. Anyway, whatever you
decide, remember the wisdom of "once you tell, you can never
UN-tell." It's helped me SO MANY times! CJ
— cjtich
July 1, 2002
I really have not told a lot of my friends. I am 13weeks and have lost 82
lbs. A lot of people notice and say I look great but they don't cross that
line and become nosey. I think you need to be comfortable with the answer
you give them. When I choose not to tell someone about having the surgery
I usually just say that I am exercising and eating healthier. This is
true. You do have to do this inorder for it to work and sometimes you
don't feel like all the pushy questions. And who are people to judge you
for having surgery. Alot of thinner people do judge.
— Christy B.
July 1, 2002
Well, I'm at the night before surgery and up til today, noone except for my
immediate family and my coworkers knew about my surgery. My neighbors and
other family and friends did not know and I wanted to keep it that way
until afterwards. But, my father let the cat out of the bag today, so some
of them are aware now. I don't mind anyone knowing...I'm proud of my
decision. I just wanted to avoid criticism, negativity and the horror
stories like Bob said. My decision is not up for debate. But after
tomorrow, I will shout it from the rooftops!
— Wendy C.
July 1, 2002
I dont know how it is at your town, but my town everyone makes up their own
reasons! So i have a good idea of whats going to be said about me , even
tho everyone IMPORTANT knows i am having this surgery. As for the others
who do ALL the ASSUMEING... and rumor spreading (which i am sure most have
dealt with).. i'll be yet AGAIN the one with the last laff!!
— brandy H.
July 1, 2002
GEEZE i shoulda read bob's post .. i see im not the only one who has this
problem!! Thats exactly the rumor i figured would be spread I got Aids
— brandy H.
July 1, 2002
I waited until after my surgery to tell the people in my life (my family
included). Now I have no problems telling people. I just did not want to
hear anything negative from anyone (especially family). It's ironic that
my family is now so happy and proud of my decision!
— Jennifer A.
July 1, 2002
I too have chosen to tell only the closest of people...my best friend,
daughter, fiance, siblings & parents..the rest of my family does not
know..I choose to keep it that way, as they would not have positive things
to say about it anyway...I also chose not to tell my Grandmother, because I
don't want her to worry about me...
— Trish R.
July 1, 2002
I only told a few close friends and family members as well as my immediate
co-workers in case something happened to me at work. I have no regrets on
the amount of people I have told. Not even the folks I eat with everyday
know. My gallbladder was removed at the same time so I just said I had
gallbladder surgery and was on a restricted diet at first. Now I say I
lost weight from that and am continuing to watch what I eat and exercise.
I will not even tell people how much I have lost. I have no desire for
them to one day realize just what I probably weighed if I can lose that
much weight and still be morbidly obese. That's my personal choice and I
think people can respect it. Sometimes I feel guilty, but this is not an
easy way out and I am earning every pound that I have lost. Why should I
give people a reason to think it was easy?
— Tparker
July 1, 2002
I had surgery in April, before I had surgery my paper work had to explain
to my human resource office what type of surgery was going to have so they
could turn the information in to my disibity office. A few days after I got
of the hospital my human resource person called me and one of the first
things she ask me was, "how much weight have I lost?" Even
thought she was nice about it, I felt that my private life was a open book.
Even when I came back to work my sr. manger told me that he wanted to see
me to check out my weight lost. Someone page me I haven't seen in months
ask, me about my surgery, apparently someone from work told her. Well, I
told her that I had two herion repairs and my ( gallblatter) removed, which
is the truth. Before I had my surgery I weight 228pds. and so far I have
lost 39 pounds. They tell me it takes longer for me to lose weight because
I was what they called a light weight. I guest losing weight slowly can
work in my favor so they can think that I did it on my own. I don't mind
talking about it with someone that I can truly help, but I'm not in the
mood to be a subject of gossip!
— E H.
July 1, 2002
I'm a private person, as well. I have only told two people at work I am
considering the surgery. I suppose I am a live and let live kind of gal,
so it would not occur to me to directly ask a person what kind of surgery
they have had, etc. and so forth. Most of my co-workers are aware I have
had knee surgery- that one is obvious because of my limping. I don't
appreciate the "speculation" or the "gossip" people
give out at work. On my last surgery, it was rumored that I was going to
be out to have some genital warts burned off! Okay. I figure, if I am
approved and receive the surgery, I will tell the people who need to know,
like my HR case manager, and my manager. If others want to know the truth,
it will be up to them to ask me themselves. I am not ashamed of the
surgery, or my need for it. I don't want to provide gossip material for
the office rumor mill. I'm trusting in my best friend to tell people, who
have inaccurate information, that I've had my prostate removed! :O).
Gossips get what they deserve!
— Felicia Lynn B.
July 1, 2002
I've been an open book my entire life - I feel like if I talk about things
first or as if it's no big deal and if I try to educate people on that
which they truly do not understand or have things in common with, that
maybe we'll find common ground. I contemplated for a split second not
telling anyone giving the reasonings that you are - it's nobody's buisness
but it would seem like this surgery is becoming more and more popular and
it seems like everyone knows at least one person who has had it. With that
- being out of work for a length of time and then going back dropping
weight with each passing week when we've never been able to do it before
would lead me to believe that people are going to figure it out anyway -
then it's just a question on who's going to try and hide it or who's not or
who is going to tell the preverbial white lie about it and who's not. I
read about one lady who just told everyone she was on the Subway diet.
hehehehe what a plug for Subway...everyone in her neighborhood is rushing
down to buy the new "light" lunches. :) Good luck to you on
whatever you choose to do - for me, honesty is always the best policy only
because it leaves them with no room for guessing.
— Lisa J.
July 1, 2002
— Amber L.
July 1, 2002
Okay, here's what I learned from experience 6 weeks ago. I told a FEW of
my family members I was having hernia surgery, but that I did not want ANY
help or visitors, including the Pastor. Then I instructed my husband to
please invite the Pastor if things "aren't going well" for me. I
almost died on the table and the 3 hours afterwards. My husband doesn't
know much about medical stuff, so hearing "should we get 4 units up
here just in case?" and "let's get another chest x-ray" and
"page the doctor again" and "Is there a bed in ICU?"
and a pleading "You are going to spend the night with her,
right?", the fact that both the surgery AND the recovery room stay
took twice as long as they originally told him didn't phase him as cause
for concern. He didn't like the fact that I was gray and that when I tried
to open my eyes they would roll back in my head, but other than that, it
was just standard post-op talk in his mind. It wasn't until 4 am the next
day when I "came to" and was very concerned about why he was
there at 4 am and what the hell happened to me? Why can't I remember
anything??? Then at 6 am, the surgeon came in, actually sat down, paused
and said "You gave us quite a scare. We were very concerned"
that he started to piece it together. By then I was getting my memory back
and explaining what some of the panic amongst the medical staff the
previous night meant. When my daughter went to her Christian Preschool that
day, Pastor asked her something about me and she told him I was in the
hospital, which was cause for an immediate call to my dad, who then called
me and asked what the deal was. He then expressed great sadness that I had
people lying to the Pastor on my behalf, and worse! to my 82-year-old
grandma. So I thought about it, called Grandma myself and apologized for
my secrecy and she cried. She and my two aunts were so hurt that I didn't
feel I could share this with them. Then I called Pastor and explained my
flawed logic in trying to keep it all a secret and enlisting people to lie
on my behalf. All of a sudden, babysitters were coming out of the woodwork
so my husband could visit me on the evenings (we hadn't thought he would be
able to visit at all), dinners arrived for them, our grass was cut, and
flowers arrived by the dozen. I then needed a transfusion prior to
discharge, then got an infection that almost killed me a week later which
resulted in another hospital stay, oodles of IV antibiotics, and another
concerned look from the surgeon when he said "we almost lost you twice
now. This was totally unexpected" So I am saying, be careful who you
don't tell. I don't think co-workers need to know, but family can rally in
unexpected ways. Much easier for them to know ahead of time, when you can
lay out the boundaries, than to get the phone call the day after... There
are still a few that are still angry/hurt that I excluded them from
something so serious. Just consider it.
— Karen F.
July 1, 2002
I've sang it from the roof tops! I know a lot of people keep it hush-hush
for many different reasons. I am not an open book type person usually, but
I am so psyched by being able to do this, I figured they'd think this glow
and grin on my face was caused by pregnancy or something :>))
Really though, I am proud to be taking this step in my life and am hoping
to be a role model for others who've reached the end of their rope. I
also agree with Bob. Would hate to have others think I had some terminal
disease (like obesity isn't one already!). I also wouldn't want to have
everyone devestated if I pass that I didn't take the time to include them
in a major life-altering decision. I told them when I married, when I bore
my children and would share if I had cancer. I will certainly include them
in this. Best of luck to you!
— [Deactivated Member]
July 1, 2002
I too am not telling alot of family or friends. I can count on one hand who
knows. I would hate for something bad to happen and then my husband be
stuck with telling everyone what I had undergone. But it is my business and
no one elses. I personally don't want to be ridiculed about what I am going
to do. I do remember what one person said to me when I told them and it
made me self concious. He said "you mean to tell me that you eat that
much that you feel that other diets can't work and you think that is the
only answer." Well yes considering that I have tried everything there
is out there and after every attempt I have gained more and more.
So my answer to you is......tell only the people you feel comfortable with
telling. And let the others just think what they want to think.
Apryl
— crazybadbug
July 1, 2002
Personally, I am pre-op and have ONLY told my husband. My 105-pound mother
has never dealt well with my 'problem'. The people at work may be
supportive, I don't know for sure, but what I do know is that I don't want
everyone measuring how less wide my butt is as I walk down the hall
everyday. I don't need an audience for a time that is already stressful to
me.
— Kimberley E.
July 1, 2002
I personally agree about being a private person and not telling everyone.
My husband disagrees with that - he thinks if you don't tell it is because
you are ashamed or embarrassed. Actually neither is is the reason. I don't
want people asking me questions all the time and scrutinizing everything I
eat or don't eat. I have told my close family, co-workers(I almost didn't
but they are all nurses and would find out eventually). I have not told
friends or people at church. I will be happy to share the information with
anyone who needs it, but I feel it is my private business. Unfortunatly my
mother in law feels the need to tell everyone she knows about the surgery.
She is typical of the reason I did not want to tell everyone. Everytime I
see her she asks qeustions like what can you eat?, do you have alot of
gas?, how are your BM's? Those are questions I can do without!!
— Pam W.
July 1, 2002
I told my husband and kids, and my sisters. I only told a few very close
friends. My DH and in this case that means Darn Husband---well, he has told
a bunch of people he works with. I guess I should not complain cause he is
proud of the fact that I am making this effort to lose weight. Only now I
have the added pressure of thinking that if I am the one it does not work
for, then I have to face these people at the company picnic and christmas
party etc. Guess I have to work hard to make sure I do not become the one
who fails.But I am not ashamed of the fact that I am having this, I just
pray that it works. Take care. {{{HUGS}}}
— Carolyn L.
July 2, 2002
It is a hrad situation. you have obviously gotten a lot of posts on the
matter. I am 22 and 4 weeks post-op, and was quite excited and told many
people. i work in a restaurant. Everyone asks me questions, expecially
other obese people who themselves have thought of it and i educate them
about it. I more direct them to this website so they can learn about it
themselves, it is everyone's individual choice, not my convincing. But at
the same time, I am also getting sick of the "Is that ok to be
eating?" "Watch your cream sauces" (which i don't even eat)
"Should you be drinking that?" It's like, excuse me, i researched
this for a year, my surgeon told me I was one of the best educated people
he has ever seen, I may not be an expert, and do have so much to learn, but
I know what I am doing for now. YOU can tell whomever you want, i would
tell close family and friends, ofcourse they will see you all the time. but
as for others, tell them you are eating better and exercising ALOT. That is
not a lie, you just had some other help! LOL My nutritionist said that is
fine to say, you don't tell everyone your personal business and it isn't
their business! Goodluck to you! :)
— Lezlie Y.
July 2, 2002
I've only told my close friends and the people in my immediate office. I
support people that are far away from where I am and they dont know about
my weight situation nor do I really want them to know. I'll be meeting
them for the first time the first week in December and I'm praying that
I've lost alot by then. I've been in situations where people judge me only
by looks and I dont want that to happen with these people as I deal with
them every day. So you should not worry about keeping this private--that
is your priviledge. You have to do whats best for you!!!! Hope this
helps!!! Bambi :o)
— Bambi C.
July 2, 2002
I'm also a private person (surgery was 01/08/02). I wasn't sure who would
be supportive about my decision to do this. I wasn't willing to listen to
people telling me that this was a bad choice. One of my co-workers (who
doesn't know about my surgery) happened to make a comment that she was
wondering about having her stomach stapled. Several of the girls then
proceeded to "lecture" her on how dangerous this was, etc. They
were not overweight themselves. Just watching this conversation made me
realize that I had made a good choice for me. So, now when people ask me
about my weightloss, I tell them that I'm seeing a nutritionist who has
worked out an eating plan for my body type. This seems to satisfy the
curious. Good luck on your decision! :-)
— Jean B.
July 3, 2002
Hi Michele. This is a topic that is near and dear to my heart. I am 6
month post op. My husband and children (age 13 and 7) know what I had
done. My 2 closest girlfriends and their husbands are also aware of what I
did. That's it. Like you said, it's nobody's business but your own. Do I
regret not telling anyone? Not really. How do I explain it?
Simple......I made some dramatic changes in my lifestyle and took control
of my eating. Generally that statement alone puts people off from asking
anything more specific. I think they get the impression like I'm going to
launch into a lecture about how great the Zone, Atkins, Pritikin, Weight
Watchers (fill in the blank - any one of them will work in this case) has
worked for me. How much have you lost? My standard answer is that my goal
is to become half the person I used to be. I started at 275# so this is
TRUE but I rarely give the actual number of pounds. Now, that being said,
I do find myself talking to complete strangers about it - mostly in
restaurants when they see how little I eat. The upshot is that I have the
right to tell who I want to, when I want to and how I want to. I do NOT
want to tell one person and have my personal life choices become something
for the office rumor mill to chew on during coffee break. I've been very
successful in keeping my surgery private. Best of Luck to You.
— Pam S.
July 3, 2002
Hi Michelle,
I did not tell people about my decision either. I too did not want to hear
the "you shouldnt" "why don't you try" "how about
this" and if I had problems the "I told you so's" of the
world. This was a private decision between me, my husband, and my docs. I
came up with two really good answers.
1. I have incurable intestinal worms!! This is the answer I liked the best,
but did not know if I or my husband would be able to keep a straight face
after months of telling people this!
2. (The one I am working with)- That I had my gallbladder removed (at the
time of WLS). When they asked me why they did not do it lap, and why I was
in the hospital for three days. I told them that there were too many stones
and my gallbladder was too inflamed for them to do it lap. I was kept in
the hospital becasue of my size and my asthma. When they ask about weight
loss, I tell them that when I was having preop blood work done, they
noticed that I had an elevated blood sugar (actually true, but it did not
have to be true for this to work) and I have relatives in my family that
have died from diabetes complications. I decided that I needed to get on
the ball or I was going to die. So I follow a "strict" diabetic
diet. Which is basically true, I do not eat sweets (unless they are sugar
free) and i watch my carbs. Ands I did feel like I needed to "get on
the ball"- I just needed help to do it!!!
Now, for all of you that have already had your gall bladder out....you can
say that they have to remove "adhesions" (basically scar tissure
from the gallbladder surgery, and that is the surgery you need to have.
This is the excuse I plan to use if I need my gallbladder out in the
future.
SO, this is all a little convoluted I know, and you have to be determined
NOT to tell people. Otherwise, the sotries are not worth it. And this was
my choice, not the best choice for everyone. It has not been a problem. As
long as your husband/ friends that DO know the truth know the
"story" as well and tow the party line, you can do well. I have
not had a single problem, and as far as I know, no one knows I had this
surgery that I do not want to know about it.
— Vicki L.
July 3, 2002
Now nobody hate me because I'm going to give another opinion! I understand
private people and not wanting to get the third degree from Butt-in-skis.
However, may I humbly suggest thinking about this further? I have become
almost an evangelist about this procedure. Why? Because it might save a
life!!! Yup, I heard all the "you're taking the easy way out"
"it's so drastic" "why can't you just cut back" yada
yada yada.n It took a lot of strength to come out of the closet, but I'm
glad I did. There are so many people out there, hurting and huge, unaware
or afraid of this procedure. If I can help even one person, by my example,
improve their life and lengthen their life, it will be worth it. Is it
their business? No. Might they possibly mention to someone "my
sis-in-law, my neice, my neighbor, etc had that done and she's doing
great". I have told everyone I know that if they know someone who is
personally considering the procedure, I am available to anyone, on a
humanitarian basis, to talk to about it. I'll never win a Nobel Prize, nor
a MacArthur Foundation genius grant. Last time I checked my messages, the
Pulitzer committee hadn't called either. But if I can mentor just one
person towards this most incredible, miraculous, life changing procedure,
I'll tell anyone who will listen. Naysayers, gossipy jerks, go to h*ll.
Like I always say, "I'm laughing all the way to the bathroom
scale!!!"
— Nancy G.
July 3, 2002
Amen to Nancy's post. Geeze I tell everyone now -- even the cashiers at
WalMart. I plan on being a WLS advocate once I don't look like I have been
run over by a truck. I am going to be an angel to anyone who needs one in
Pittsburgh, and will start a support group, and I may even dove tail this
with an increased commitment to Christianity. I have a calling here...I
didn't like "fat people" just 7 weeks ago -- when I weighed 325,
and had been at 365 recently -- and now, thanks to this web site, I see how
real and similar the MO are to me. So I am not sure what direction I am
going to go with this, but my husband and I both know that WLS is going to
be a major player in my volunteer work in the very near future.
That said, not everyone is excited to instigate controversy. It has to do
with personality types, experience, and their own comfort level with what
they are doing and why they require it. I say if this isn't your cup of
tea, tell who ever you want to, and answer "I eat less and exercise
more" to everyone else (true, right?). I say if you are really
comfortable with it and can find some extra time with your extra energy,
get creative and find a way to support the cause and help others.
— Karen F.
July 3, 2002
It's really up to you and what you feel comfortable with. Besdies family, I
told only 2 of my good friends at work before the surgery. I didn't want to
deal with reactions about whether or not I should do it. But afterwords, I
didn't care who knew at work. Everyone has actually been very supportive
(at least to my face) and I have found it has made work easier that they
know. It means I can work a flexible schedule, I am allowed to sleep late
if I need to or go home early if I feel tired. (I am 6 wks. post op). I
also have people offer to split lunches with me and I only pay a dollar or
two. The other thing is (and this has only happened at work once thank God)
the other day I drank too fast and had to spit some of it back up, and all
I said was "I think I drank that too fast," went to the bathroom,
and that was that. I didn't have to answer any questions or deal with
people asking if I was ok and asking what was wrong. Most of my coworkers
tell me constantly how brave they think I was and how good they think I am
doing. They always notice things I don't like my face thinning out. I for
one am glad they know the truth. There are also a couple of people at work
who are considering GBS and I am able to answer questions plus they are
able to see how I am doing with it.
— sheltie
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