Question:
Is there such a thing as social skills training?
Not to sound dumb, but I have been fat my entire life, and have never had an easy time with relationships.... extreme self-consciousness, very few friends, horrible dating experiences, basically I'm uncomfortable in most any social situation (unless it's family)....I always have blamed it on my weight, but I wonder now, when I have WLS and lose weight, will it all get easier for me?... or will I still be so socially inept, that I'll continue to be uncomfortable? I am hoping that losing the excess weight will improve my self-confidence, but worry that my years of being MO will have ruined me for the social scene....Any suggestions, or words of wisdom out there? — Kelly B. (posted on April 13, 2003)
April 13, 2003
Well... first of all, I think your self confidence will really improve when
the weight starts dropping off. However, don't feel like you have to start
being someone you're not, just because you lose weight. What I mean is,
some people aren't very social, and it's NOT a BAD thing! It's just who you
are! If you only have ONE good friend in your whole life, you're doing
good! If you're best friend just happens to be family, you're twice as
blessed! Just be who you are, and let things happen as they will. Start
thinking about yourself separate from your weight(hard to do, but not
impossible). What do you like? What's important to you? What kind of people
do you like? What kind of people don't you like? Just try to figure out who
you are, and what you want. Stay true to those things, and you'll attract
the right kind of people into your life. If someone comes into your life
that doesn't feel right, DITCH THEM, FAST! Don't settle for ANYTHING! Ok,
I'll get off the soapbox now. :)
Take care,
Diana
— Diana L.
April 13, 2003
i understand how you feel. i try to avoid meeting new people and social
gatherings all together. the first thought that runs in my head is...how
people will look at how fat i am. my husband is perfect weight and very
good looking, so i know people are wondering how we ever got married. i was
not always overweight. in high school i was prom queen and very much into
sports and other things. i used to love to go to any get together. but now
i feel so embarrassed. my husband gets upset that i don't ever want to go
anywhere with him and when i do go the only thing running in my head the
WHOLE TIME is I AM SOOOO FAT AND GROSS! i have my wls next month. everyday
i reflect on my life and how i want it to change. i don't want weight to
ever hold me back again. i want to be able to meet someone new and when
they say "hello" and smile at me i want to feel at ease....not
wonder what they might be thinking of me. OK..... this answer is from the
bottom of my heart and how i truely feel. i know i shouldn't feel this way
but it is as honest an answer as i can give.
— franbvan
April 13, 2003
Yes! Although I didn't have luck in finding any quality help in the
professional field locally, you might have better luck in your area. These
were the steps we used to help a wonderful young lady with serious
problems. Not only did she lack the basic skills to even communicate with
people it caused her such anxiety that she would develop hives! 1) choose
a situation you'll need to deal with 2) role play it with a close friend or
family member until you're comfortable with your responses 3) go out and
really practice it (again and again and again and again) - use every chance
you get to practice your new skills. For us its been great.
— Shelly S.
April 13, 2003
Great question. My suggestion for you would be to start small and work your
way up to more 'advanced' social situations. My idea of a beginner setting
would be to go with some members of your family to a movie or library or
even to WLS support group meetings. One of my favorite things to do is to
participate in craft lessons like to learn crocheting. They have a 1 hour
class at AC Moore and Michaels and with only about 10 women per class, it's
lots of fun. I have noticed that I want to go out much more since having
lost weight, but I'm still very self-conscious. If going to bars and
nightclubs is something you'd eventually like to do, go for it when you
feel ready. Good luck to you.
— Yolanda J.
April 13, 2003
There are singles groups out there, fact is thats how I met Jen my wife. We
both attended a CAC event. Catholic alumni club. Although I am NOT catholic
or a college graduate, but Jen is. In any case they have picnics, movie
mights, dinners, camp outs, and other easy to atrtend social events on a
low stress have fun way. Some are looking to find their special someone
others just to hang out and have fun. Its a good way to get somew social
skills and have FUN! Go get em! There are lots of groups like this.
— bob-haller
April 14, 2003
Original poster here,,, thanks so far for your input everyone....to clarify
a bit... I do get out, it's not to the point that I avoid social situations
altogether, BUT, when around others, I always feel I'm trying too hard, and
don't seem to know the right things to say... or I'll say something and it
seems everyone just kind of looks at me, like "ok,
whatever"....with men it's even worse...my relationships have all been
with really unsuitable guys.. basically just physical- (before I was quite
this big)... my one serious relationship ended with me as a single mom (I
love my son like crazy, the one good thing that came of it) but more
self-doubt than ever because I allowed myself to be manipulated and
controlled due to my lack of confidence, and fear that I'd never find
another person to accept me....now what I am hoping for is to lose this
weight, feel better, and be able to make friends and learn how to interact
with people, men and women, in a better way...so that I can form
friendships, and healthy relationships....I just think that I'm very
awkward and don't really know how to act in situations like that...My whole
family is MO, so it's not like I ever had that popular older sister who
could say, this is how you talk or act, or whatever... you know? I know I
will be a happier healthier person once I've had WLS, I just hope I can
also be a little more active socially! LOL...
— Kelly B.
April 14, 2003
Does your insurance cover psychotherapy? If so, maybe consider seeing a
counsellor or therapist. Don't be afriad to shop around - some are good,
some aren't. I'm sure there are many qualified therapists in your area who
could help you with social skills training/education, and help you deal
with your social nervousness (and the strange journey that is WLS as well).
Good luck!
— Patricia E.
April 14, 2003
Kelly, Consider a women's or co-ed therapy group. Some of the greatest
growth and learning that occured in my life around social issues was when I
was in group therapy. You'll want to make sure that the therapist who runs
the group is good, has been doing it for several years or more, understands
eating disorders, and is able to facilitate your growth in a safe and
supportive way within the group. Shop around, ask lots of questions, and
trust your gut about whether you connect with each person. If a therapist
is good, but you don't have a rapport, then your therapy will be much more
difficult. Best of luck to you.
— rebalspirit
April 14, 2003
My experience is that, losing weight alters your body, but nothing else
in your life changes. If you are shy and have difficulty relating to
people when
you are fat...you'll have those same problems when you are thinner.
Personally, I
would suggest that you get some counselling to help you adjust. Losing
weight does not automatically
result in a boost in self esteem and having a trimmer body does not make
you happier or more social.
— mandy S.
April 14, 2003
Thanks everyone for your thoughts....When I saw my psych doc for my WLS
evaluation, he commented that I may find it helpful to have some type of
counseling.... I have been resistant to the idea of seeing someone to talk
about food...but maybe it couldn't hurt to work on my self-confidence
issues a bit... thanks alot.
— Kelly B.
April 14, 2003
Hi Kelly!
I was very thin my entire life.I started gaining weight when i was going
thru my divorce because I was hoping my husband would get turned off and
give it to me.The trial went on for years because he would fire his
lawyers<7 of them> and get delays.In the process I started taking
tofrinol<SP> , an anti depressant that causes a large weight gain. I
went from 107 - 140.Yes, I was VERY skinny!!
Shortly after the trial was over, my brother became very sick and we found
out he had cancer..I lived at Memorial Sloan Kettering with him for 3 1/2
yrs on and off.I went from 140-190 eating my heartache...He passed away
almost 2 years ago and I went up to 215..To say the least, I was very
depressed about watching him die.I felt guilty I wasnt compatable to give
him my bone marrow, but we didn't match..
I was VERY DEPRESSED that my younger brother died!!!I finally saw my DR.
about 7 months ago and he put me on effexor for depression and something
for my 325 cohlesterol! I saw a weight therapy pschologist for help as well
because I was very depressed and upset about how i looked and felt.
In addition, I fractured my knee and wore a full cast for 6 weeks, and
then had surgery.My ortho knee surgeon told me I better lose weight if I
wanted my knee to heal properly.At this point ,unable to exercise it was
almost impossible to walk w/o pain!! Surgery was my only answer.
To answer your question,being obese makes me miserable@ uncomfortable to
be with others.I was the most social person with enormous confidence and it
got lost within my perception of myself.I became withdrawn and would avoid
all social occasions with excuses..To sum it up, you will feel much better
about yourself after your weight loss!!!I suggest you try to find a support
group or therapist to evaluate this issues in your process. It can only
make you stronger and give you additional support.
I wish you alot of luck and I'm sure that you will feel much healthier
and happier as time goes on.
Best wishes,
~~~ Muffy~~~~
— leslie M.
April 15, 2003
Talk less, listen more. People love good listeners. Don't feel you need to
comment on everything. Smile and nod and let other people be the center of
attention. I, too, felt totally inept socially. I started paying attention
to who I liked being around and who annoyed me and why. What I found was
that I was annoyed by people who always had to comment, to "one
up" whatever was said and then I realized I did that also. It was hard
work at first, restraining myself, I have so much to say LOL. Now it is
much easier but it still can be hard. But I find when I do say something,
people listen more. Good luck.
— Sunny S.
April 15, 2003
You might also see if there is a WLS support group near you that you could
go to. Getting with people who have common interests. When I lost my weight
the first time I gained a ton of self confidence. I really came out of my
shell. Now that i have gained a lot of it back, I am deal with other things
more although I do suffer from depression. Thats medical and also weight
related. As I thin down I feel better about myself and become more
outgoing. You can also learn self confidence.
Good luck and remember we are here for you.
— snicklefritz
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