Question:
CHEATING SPOUSE
What would you do if you spouse of less than 3 years cheated on you twice. yes twice. This happened to me while I was still pre-op and I stayed in the marriage. I have been miserable because I don't trust him. Part of the reason I stayed is because I had low self esteem and because of our son. Since losing 69lbs my self esteem is slowly but surely rising and can't help but think that I deserve better. I get mad at myself for staying this long. Would like to hear from people who have been through this. Did you stay or did you go? — Audra P. (posted on August 8, 2003)
August 7, 2003
he cheated on you twice in 3 yrs...2 different people or 2 encounters with
the same person....i know some people are like if they cheat leave
them...if it was with 2 different people i would get rid of him...if it was
with 1 and he is TRULY remorseful and you love him....it can be worked out.
My dh and I had some indiscretions in the beginning of our relationship
(10yrs ago) but we love each other and have been able to work it out...no
problems since i might say...just follow your heart...thats the best thing
i can say if u wanna talk email me good luck
— cinamoni
August 7, 2003
You may have just answered your own question. You stated that part of the
reason you stay is because of low self-esteem and your son. Do you really
love him enough to fight for him, or do you just feel that you need a man
in your life and don't want to be alone? I would never tell you to stay or
go, for only you know your heart, but I have a feeling that deep down
inside, you already know your answer. Good luck whatever you decide!
— Leslie F.
August 7, 2003
Just a thought. Ann Landers once said, make a list. On one side of the
list write down all the good things in your marriage, on the other, write
down the bad. Then see which side outweighs the other. Also, you say you
stayed partially because of your son. Well, one day your son will grow up
and be own his own and what will you be left with then. A lot of wasted
years and your youth behind you. Wasted in a loveless marriage and you are
alone in your later years. Something to think about. Good luck!!!
— Delores S.
August 7, 2003
I went through that exact same thing. My husband cheated on me and now a
year and a half after my surgery I am now attempting to get my divorce. He
cheated on me before my surgery. After my surgery I started loving myself
and realizing I deserve more. He is now realizing his mistakes but I don't
have the energy to go through it again. Good luck and turn to God for
support and understanding he will guide you through it all.
— Chris9672
August 7, 2003
Girlfriend.... BEEN THERE DONE THAT! Yep, about 10 yrs ago. I'd weighed
about 286 lbs and I had very very low self esteem. After several times of
cheating I got FED UP! I was so hurt that I'd turned it all to ANGER!
Yep, I got angry and told him to get his "shit" and get out and I
was NOT going to take it anymore! That totally opened his eyes. He was
loosing his wife and kids and it scared him to death. After 6 yrs. he has
became one of the best men you could have ever met. Grant it, it was a
very difficult and hurting process to stay together but we did.
I am now a different person and I've learned to love and respect myself and
he knows that I will NEVER EVER go thru something like that again. I
consider myself to be a strong woman and I feel so much better.
My recommendation to you is to see a couselor and he/she can prescribe
antidepressants to help you think clearly. Right now you are so hurt and
confused that you need to start thinking about what's best for you and your
son. Your husband evidently thinks highly about himself to cheat on you so
early in your marriage..... so you don't need to think about what's best
for him, just think about what's best for you and start healing yourself.
If you need someone to talk to you can email me at [email protected].
God Bless you sweetie!
— Jeanette D.
August 8, 2003
I had a friend...her husband cheated while she was pregnant...She was
devastated. She made a decision based on "HONEY, LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO
WASTE IT ON (fill in the blank):__________! You get one life, live it to
your fullest. He's a jerk, you have a chance to better yourself
take the chance, and take your son! YOU GO GIRL!! Kick him to the curb.
— ROUENY819
August 8, 2003
Don't be mad at yourself-- you DO deserve better. If it were me, I'd kick
your husband to the curb and never look back. But that's just me. However,
you are not doing your son (or you) any favors by staying in a marriage
like this. All you are doing is demonstrating to your son (and to yourself)
that it's OK for a husband to cheat on a wife. Get some counseling and make
your decision based on what's best for you and your son-- think of the
example you want to set for him and what kind of man you want him to be:
someone who thinks it's OK to cheat or someone who values and respects his
partner enough to live up to the vows of marriage he may one day take. Show
your son (and yourself) that you are a strong woman worthy of respect and
decent behavior. Sorry if this sounds preachy but these kinds of things
really stick in my craw.
— lizinPA
August 8, 2003
I can understand your pain. I been though it and I feel that you lose the
love you have for that person. I stayed for long time.. I was miserable
& depressed. never trusting, always wondering. Be good to you---YOU
DESERVE BETTER. I divorced and I am so much happier. So lose the extra
baggage. Life is to short . You choose the path you need for wt loss. proud
of you.--- now consider your happiness.
— Barb J.
August 8, 2003
I have been through a similar situation before my WLS. My husband cheated
on me for about 8 months and it ended with a pregnancy (not on my end). We
did get married too young so I think this contributed to it. We seperated
for a few months and then decided that we could work through it. He is a
good man and other wise treats me very well. The problem I have noticed
lately is I beleive he thinks I am going to "get him back" now
that I have lost over 100 pounds. I never had a problem with men before
WLS at 274, so I could have just as easily cheated beofre and he dosent
understand this. All in all, I am thankful that we didnt throw everything
away - but if he ever did it again, I dont know if I could handle that. I
wish you the best whatever decision you make!
— Heidi B.
August 8, 2003
Audra, I had two previous relationships (before I married), in which I
caught both men cheating. It was so devastating to my self-esteem and once
I knew they had cheated, the trust was gone and never regained. Awful. Ever
hear the expression, "Once a cheater, always a cheater?" I always
thought that being with them was better than being alone. NOT! In both
cases, I was better off after the relationships were over, and had wasted
valuable time/energy getting to that point. Only you can answer whether
you will stay (sometimes with children involved, it puts things in a
different light), but as far as what you deserve? All of us deserve
loving, supportive, committed, respectful and trusting relationships and
should not settle for anything short of it. Trust your gut feelings and do
the right thing.
— Cindy R.
August 8, 2003
Audra... I LEFT, but it took me a while to get the courage up to do it.
This was WAY pre-op for me... and I didn't have a child. My x was an
abusive alcoholic -- Once I did leave, it was even tougher for a while,
because he kept trying to get me to come back and I almost did. I am SO
glad now, that I did not. I married again to the most wonderful man in the
world and we have been so happy for the past 12 years. Do yourself a favor,
evaluate your feelings honestly and frankly. If you do NOT love him and can
never trust him again, leave. I would tell him first, but be sure to
protect yourself and your son when you do tell him. Hugs and Good Luck.
— Sharon m. B.
August 8, 2003
I had the same thing happen 17 years ago. After the cheating came the
verbal abuse then came the phsyical abuse. He would always say it wouldn't
happen again but it always did.I finally left one day while he was at work.
I took what I could get out of the house along with my 2 kids.Oh, and he
also had started to abuse the kids.1 yaer latter I meet the most wonderful
man just by chance. He is kind loving and is a wonderful father to the
kids. They call him Dad. I never got child support from the X and my now
husband never complained or said a word.He took on the job as husband and
father and has never let us down. I might add that I never saw my X again
and neither did the kids.He never wanted to see them. What I'm saying is ,
you will find better out there in the most unlikely places. Don't stay in
an unhappy marriage when there is a great man out there waitng for you.
— myra J.
August 8, 2003
LEAVE! Put your walkin boots on and walk right over him and out the door!
— Kara J.
August 8, 2003
I see you have lots of responses to this question, but, thought I would
throw mine in too. I was in a relationship with my 1st husband for 14
years, married for 11 1/2 of it, and he cheated over and over. It killed my
self esteem and a "part" of me. We had 3 children together and I
stayed for the longest time (about 6 years) because of them. It was my 30th
birthday coming up that made me realize, I was wasting my life being
unhappy with someone who didn't really love me. I made the choice to leave
and let my children see something other than an unhappy mom and a dad who
was never aound. I have been lucky enough to meet and marry (this is all
pre-op) a wonderful loving and caring man who is around. This is something
you have to decide for yourself. I knew from year 1 of our marraige that is
was not going to work and yet I stayed on for 10 more. Don't waste your
life, but, don't give up too easily if you really love him and he loves
you...there may be hope.
— Mindy R.
August 8, 2003
Audra, I'm so happy for you that your self-esteem is picking up and you are
right - you do deserve better! The only thing I have to add to the comments
below is to make sure you have support with this huge transition in your
life. I was advised a while back to be careful when making life altering
changes such as a new job, divorce, etc. within the first year post-op
since they may trigger old eating habits. If you are a stress eater, just
make sure you seek therapy (good idea anyway) and have friends and/or
family you can talk to. Good luck to you whatever you decide.
— Yolanda J.
August 8, 2003
the first part of a marriage is supposed to full of passion and excitement
for one another.hopefully as the years go by that love will grown into
something much more.that is when you truely feel your spouse is your other
half. true love is when you can look into someone's eyes and see your soul
reflected back to you. not the person you WANT to be or the person you are
TRYING to be...but who you really are. and they love the REAL you. if your
marriage has been bad from the begining it will only get worst later on
down the road. you must have respect for one another and he has none for
you OR your son. he is only thinking about himself. DON'T NOT stay for your
son. that is the worst thing you can do. you will be teaching your son it
is ok for men to treat women badly. by the age of five is when a childs
personality is truely formed. even small babies can sense when something
isn't right. you aren't doing yourself or your son any favors by staying
with someone who is disrespectful to his family. he is cheating on the both
of you. why would you stay? what does he really have to offer? not love,
not trust and not security. because you never know when he might decide to
take off with someone else. good luck to you
— franbvan
August 8, 2003
one more thing. you said that he cheated twice in three years. if he is a
cheat he is also a liar. two times is all that you KNOW about what if it
was more? also he could bring you home some kind of disease. there is a
lady today who posted about that. remember whatever you decide that you are
making a choice for you AND your son. he is innocent and whatever you and
your husband do effects him. best of luck to you
— franbvan
August 8, 2003
I AGREE WITH SOME OF THE POSTERS AND I DISAGREE WITH SOME WELL MY ADVICE IS
THIS IS NOT SOMETHINIG WE CAN HELP YOU WITH NO ONE BUT YOU AND GOD CAN WORK
THIS OUT IS BASICALLY THE BOTTOM LINE DEEP DOWN INSIDE YOU KNOW IF YOU
WOULD LIKE FOR IT TO WORK OR NOT SO DO NOT IGNORE THAT FEELING BUT DO NOT
GO TO OTHER PEOPLE FOR ADVICE BECASUE EVERYBODY SITUATION IS ALWAYS A
LITTLE DIFFERENT PRAY ABOUT IT AND ASK GOD TO LEAD YOU IN THE RIGHT
DIRECTION WE DO NOT KNOW WHAT TYPE OF PERSON HE REALLY IS WE JUST KNOW THAT
HE CHEATED AND YOU LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES TALK TO HIM ABOUT HOW YOU ARE
FEELING AND TRY TO LET HIM KNOW THAT YOU ARE SERIOUS ABOUT LEAVING YOU MAY
EVEN HAVE TO LEAVE BUT DO NOT JUST JUMP INTO A DIVORCE BECAUSE PEOPLE TELL
YOU TO KICK HIM TO THE CURVE BECAUSE SOMETIMES WE ARE PUT TO A CHALENGE TO
SEE HOW STRONG WE ARE AND YOU HAVE ACCEPTED THE CHEATIN THE FIRST TIME AND
NOW THERE HAS BEEN A SECOND BASICALLY WHAT I AM SAYING IS THERE IS ALWAYS
HOPE COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT I WISH YOU THE BEST IN
WHATEVER YOU DECIDE BUT REMEMBER NO ONE I MEAN NO ONE CAN MAKE THIS
DECISION FOR YOU BUT YOU
— JENNIFER S.
August 8, 2003
You asked "Did you stay or did you go?" I stayed...then I left.
I was pregnant at the time and didn't think I was able to make a rational
decision until after the birth. It took less than a year after the birth
of our child to see that despite his promises, he was still lying and
cheating. So there I was, with 2 children, one less than a year old, and
it was darn scary, but it was over. I had the discussions with myself
about staying together for the children but I'm glad I chose not to. My
children have a good relationship with their father and, I think, have
suffered less with our divorce than they would have if we had stayed
married. This is a decision only you can make. You might consider
counseling to see if there is something you can hang on to. Trust is very
hard to get back after it's lost. It will be a very difficult road for him
and for you. He will wonder what he needs to do to get your trust back and
voice that when he gets frustrated. And when he voices it, you'll be
thinking "Buddy, you better be willing to walk through fire and juggle
live snakes at the same time to win my love and trust back." I never
got to the point where I could trust him again because...well...because he
was still cheating even after counseling and promises. I definitely
deserved better. You deserve better. If you've tried to talk to him about
this and you've tried counseling and you don't see that things are getting
better, take care of yourself.
— antiques55
August 9, 2003
YOU'VE COME SO FAR TO BE HAPPY! MOVE ON!
— SweetDragonfly
March 31, 2004
cheater's wow. i was a very faithful wife for 16 years. i had wls 3 years
ago. in those 16yrs i have found out about 4 women he has been with and so
many times at the nudey bar's i can't even remember. all the humilation i
suffer'd because of him.. i know shame on me. well i stayed because of the
three wonderful children we have together. every one around me always said
what a wonderful husband i have.. well live with that sucker for 16 yrs and
he's not so wonderful. o.k. 2 months ago me and my sister went out for
cocktails at this local club. i was dressed to kill. well the singer of
this band picked me out of the crowd and started to sing to me.. well he
knocked my boots my boots off. and after the show he invited me to go
dancing with him.. hello i went, didn't even think twice about it. i
believe in karma and now my husband is getting it all back.. he found out
about this wonderful singer whom i'm still seeing and now after all these
years he say's that he is going to change, yeah right, i moved out of my
house didn't take anything with me because he has a very large family who
will help him out with the kids anything that he need.. i on the other hand
work alot and would'nt have time to do the daily routines that kids
require. his mom lives with him now and take really good care of our kids.
thank god that wont be an issue. what really gets me is that after all the
cheating he has done. i enriqueta chose to see what it was like to have
someone else beside my husband touch me.. all i can say is WOW!!!!! divorce
here i come. i can't believe i gave that guy 16 yrs of my life. back to the
husband issue.. i swear you think this man is going crazy... he's told
everyone, i left him for someone else. what really gets me is that thru all
his cheatings, i never said anything to anyone because i was ashamed. 2
weeks before i gave birth to my daughter he was with this girl named helen.
19, can you believe that.. 19 years old. so now after all these years he
said that he will stop drinkin he will be a better husband, father,
ect..well i don't give a sh*t anymore he can do what he damn well pleases.
i'm so thru with him it's not even funny.. you know being m\o really does
#'s on our heads. we think we are not worth the love of another man.. who
knows singer man and i might not work out. who cares .. i know that i'm a
good woman with a lot of love to give. if it doesnt work out with singer
man... i'll move on.. because i made a promise to myself no one will ever
treat this lady.. i really mean lady like that again. so i say karma man.
do unto other as you want done unto you.
— enriqueta C.
March 31, 2004
My story is not important, just been there , done that.
I am answering to the lady that left her child.Mine died when she was 18. I
cherish every single moment of every day I had with her. My one thing I am
thankful for is thru all I went thru my children, my babies, were my breath
and soul. I cant imagine anyone leaving them even if they are well taken
care of..A person deserves to be treated well and to be happy but I hope
you dont regret lost time with your children.
— Kathy S.
March 31, 2004
I'm with you Kathy...I couldn't believe what I was reading.
— Renee B.
April 1, 2004
Did anybody notice besides me that this lady who left her kids (Enriqueta)
dug this out of the archives--this was a Q&A from way back in August of
last year. I find it hard to imagine that any woman could justify leaving
her babies to be with another man. She speaks of "Karma"--well,
Enriqueta, you are sowing it right now and I don't think you are going to
like what you reap. <p>Could dragging this old Q&A up from 8
months ago be an attempt on your part to asuage your conscience and justify
your actions? Just a thought. I, too, hope your children will always be
there for you, but I strongly doubt it. Unlike another poster, I hope you
seriously regret the time lost with those precious children you brought
into this world and try to undo some of the harm you've done to your family
before it's too late. If not, you might consider tearing up your
"mother" card because your actions are not that of a mother, but
merely an egg donor.
— artistmama
April 1, 2004
I read her profile, and I have to say I feel sorry for her. I think she has
a husband who was pretty passive/aggressive(emotionally abusive when she
was fat) and also insecure. He got too over-bearing and she couldn't take
it. He doesn't seem to be able to handle her new look, while she is
enjoying being a new person and being treated differently, and she has some
self esteem. I don't think I could have tolerated her husband's behavior,
either. He got physical with the singer-guy, too. She wants her kids and
misses them. I do hope she gets some counseling ASAP. This is a mess that
is only going to get worse and a lot of people - especially her kids - are
going to get the worst of it. Sounds like the singer paid some attention to
her and flirted with her- something she is not used to, and it felt good.
He knows she is married and has kids; wonder why he is hanging around? And
for how Long. Sad, really, really sad.
— koogy
April 1, 2004
Susan, I too read Enriqueta's profile and I agree with you...I wish people
would stop being so judgemental on this site...I truly believe that she
just decided to leave a bad relationship and was not in a position to take
her children with her...I'm not condoning having an affair by any means;
however, I just wanted to stress that although, it may have sounded like
she left her children for some "hot" singer in which she had an
affair....she really misses her kids and hopes to get things together
finanacially so that they can live with her again. That doesn't sound like
an evil woman who's out for a good time but rather a confused, abused woman
who is trying to make a better life for herself and her kids. Hugs
everyone :0)
— denisel
April 1, 2004
It is certainly easier to be judgemental than understanding of another
persons pain & insecuries. I hope all the the judgemental ones never
get cheated on or betrayed or emotionally abused or neglected by an
uncaring spouse. Life is complicated with a lot of grey , it is impossible
for me to see all in black or white. I can see how somwone who is lonely ,
neglected, emotionally abused might be caught up with someone who makes
them feel special. Mothers come in many forms. the decision that is right
for one may not be for another, Moms give up custody for many reasons. Most
commonly because they cannot provide for the children on their own. I see
many situations that have helped me to understand that life just doesn't
always work out as "planned" . a ltttle compassion and
understanding go a long way. You can help others much more with
understanding than judgement. the basic premise of "he who is without
sin cast the first stone." bad sin't just cheating etc, but
sometimes self rightousness, judgement, lack of comapassion, predjudice,
— **willow**
April 1, 2004
"Lack of compassion, judgment, self-righteousness"...YAWN! I get
so tired of people who resort to name-calling when someone has the backbone
to stand up to evil, self-centered, selfish, people who want to
self-destruct. Enrequeta is an adult--she has many options, but she chooses
to self-destruct. Unfortunately, she is just like the suicide bombers in
the Middle East. She's taking innocent lives with her. What really get me
hot is that she chooses to destroy her children (who don't have any options
and don't have a voice). They don't deserve to be abandoned. Her actions
have turned her into a child abuser, and that is completely unacceptable.
If this gets her (or anyone else for that matter) to thinking and
re-evaluationg bad choices helps turn that around, then I did my part to
help the innocents. <p>And incidently, I know whereof I speak. I have
seen it happen, and I have experienced it. I was one of the kids who was
left in the wake of devastation because of a cheating parent. My kids also
were abandoned by their father when they were all very small for somebody
who was really "hot". They are grown now and to this day, they
carry those scars of abandonment. Believe me when I say this, COMPASSION is
my motivation--Compassion for all involved.
— artistmama
April 1, 2004
Kids are pretty smart! I should have been a 'child of divorce'. But my
parents stayed together for family and financial reasons. They didn't
fight all the time and outwardly we looked like a normal family. However
by the age of 4 or 5 I knew my parents hated each other. I grew up hating
my father and losing all respect for my mother for staying in the
relationship. It's so hard not to judge when you live with it 24x7. When
I grew up and started dating myself, the only men who were suitable had
nothing in common with my father. I have no doubts that all of our lives
would have been better had my parents divorced. My parents as individuals
were not bad people. Years of unhappiness and dissatisfaction takes a toll
on anyone. I believe we all deserve some happiness in our lives. Divorce
is not a good thing, but it is preferable to growing up in a home filled
with resentment. Don't think you can fool the kids! They always know more
than you think. Good luck and do what's right for you. If you are happy,
your kids can be happy too.
— PattyL
April 1, 2004
Ok, the last time I checked this was supposed to be a website for support.
We are not supposed to judge people on here, that is NOT our job.
— Morna B.
April 7, 2004
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO FIGHT WITH ANYONE. TO ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO TALKED
MESS. PLEAS,YOU DON'T KNOW ME, AMYTHING ABOUT ME WHAT KIND OF PERSON I AM.
I DIDN'T LEAVE ME KIDS. I LIVE BUT A MILE AWAY. I JUST GOT OUT OF A BAD
MARRIAGE.TOO ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO TALKED MESS YOU COULD EAT YOU KNOW WHAT..
WHEN YOU CAN WALK ON WATER I'LL LISTEN TO WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY.
— enriqueta C.
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