Question:
Do I need my husband to sign or approve anything for my surgery?
My husband is so opposed to my having the surgery. He thinks I should loose it on my own. He is worried, about my rearrangement of my intestines, and the risk involved with the surgery. I know he does not want to loose me. He began with the "NO YOU ARE NOT HAVING SURGERY" to "I can't believe you are going to have the surgery" Last night we were at the grocery store and he picked up some beef jerkey, and I mentioned I would need to eat high protien foods like that, and he's back to "You Are Not having the surgery" Sigh... I'm wondering if I need any kind of approval from him, by way of signature before I have surgery? This is very upsetting. I spend hours reading this board, and I'm in the process of getting all my records in order and my letter for the physician. I won't have my 1st consult until Nov. 26th. This is very emotional. It would be so much easier if I had his support. I feel like I have to sneak around to research this. — D. K. (posted on September 22, 2003)
September 22, 2003
You only need approval if YOU believe YOU need appoval from him. You are a
grown women with a sound mind and as such legally, no one can make those
decisions (to have surgery or not) for you. Only you have that right.
Good luck.
— Tammy P.
September 22, 2003
No, he doesn't need to sign anything. If you haven't already, you need to
educate him on this surgery. Tell him exactly why you want it, how it will
benefit you, etc. Ask him why he wants you to remain obese? Ask him what he
knows about the surgery and then set him straight with the research you
have done. Have him look on this site, meet with a Post op for dinner so he
can see what and how they eat. If after all of this he still won't support
you, don't expect it. You do what you feel is right for you! Your going to
have to open up to him and really tell him how you feel being obese and how
hard it really is. I don't think alot of spouses realize how hard
(emotionally and physically) it truly is.
— Kris T.
September 22, 2003
I have heard of some docs that want to know that you have your spouses
support. What that means exactly I don't know. My dr. did ask me at my
initial consult if my husband supported my decision for having surgery and
I could honestly tell him yes, but he didn't actually want to talk to my
husband. I remember reading (skimming over actually) something a long time
ago that one lady's dr. wanted her to bring the husband to the consult so
he could talk to him, but I don't think it is a very common practice.
— Ali M
September 22, 2003
I have heard of some docs that want to know that you have your spouses
support. What that means exactly I don't know. My dr. did ask me at my
initial consult if my husband supported my decision for having surgery and
I could honestly tell him yes, but he didn't actually want to talk to my
husband. I remember reading (skimming over actually) something a long time
ago that one lady's dr. wanted her to bring the husband to the consult so
he could talk to him, but I don't think it is a very common practice.
— Ali M
September 22, 2003
No. But, as Alison said, some doctors (mine included) want to know if your
spouse will be supportive. That will depend on your doc. My doctor also
asked that we bring a support person to an info session we had to attend.
It could be anyone though, mom, sister, friend, etc. Just by happenstance,
my surgeon & husband have never even met! You are right though, it
would be easier for you if he were supportive. Sounds like he was at least
accepting it for a time there. You never know, he may turn around in the
next 2 months! You can just try to educate him on the pros / cons, and
continue to state your plans as a fact, not up for debate (unless, of
course, it is). Good luck =o) Lori 281/211/158
— Lori A.
September 22, 2003
If you would like, I would be willing to write or speak to your husband
about what it is like to lose your spouse at a young age due to obesity
because they had tried over and over to lose weight traditionally and did
not have surgery. My husband passed away a little over 2 years ago at the
age of 47. Feel free to email me.
— ssundlee
September 22, 2003
Your husband does not have to sign anything for you to get this surgery. My
sister and I both have had this same issue with our husbands. We both
researched in secret, went for Dr. visits (she's in FL I'm in DC) without
the hubby and meanwhile kept educating our spouses. By the time I had the
surgery, my husband was on board (5 mos ago). My sister has not had her
surgery, but her husband is much more supportive now. He doesn't like it -
but he is more supportive. He, like many spouses, is afraid of losing her
during surgery. He is skinny (mine is fat) and her hubby just doesn't
understand the problems associated with obesity. Frankly, I explained to my
husband that I did not need his approval for surgery, and I would be
getting it because I wanted to spend a long life with him. He relented. My
sister's best friend on the other hand had the surgery and her husband was
100% opposed to it. He brought her a box of chocolates at the hospital
(idiot) post-op. He parents were supportive however. They are still married
and she is 3 mos post-op and losing weight steadily. Her husband is no
longer giving her a hard time about it. Often the spouse is just afraid
that they will lose you while you are under the knife. Others just don't
understand that dieting does not work and that being MO is dangerous.
— M B.
September 22, 2003
My husband is extremely reluctant and DOES NOT want me to have this
surgery. But, he has said he will support me in my decision because he
knows it is my body and my life that is directly affected. He has attended
the Wish Center seminar, the doctor consultation at the Bariatric Treatment
Center, watched a BTC DVD with me, and is listening to me about what I am
learning. Heck, we even got into a discussion last evening about buying me
a motorcycle so that we could do the fun stuff after I have lost weight.
Do I wish he would support me enthusiastically - absolutely. However, I am
grateful for what he is able and willing to do at this stage. As far as
signing admission papers and such, I don't recall that this has ever been
required for procedures when you are married.
— Arizona_Sun
September 22, 2003
Your husband doesn't have to sign anything. But, not only did my surgeon
want to know that I would have support at home - the doctor that did my
psyc evaluation asked the same questions. You could possible be turned
down by the psychiatrist if he/she thinks you don't have support at home.
That is, if your surgeon/insurance requires a psyc evaluation- I think most
do. Print out everything you can off this website and leave it laying
around for him to read.
— Margaret G.
September 22, 2003
As the others said, you don't have to have him sign anything. However,
your postop course will be difficult, and hearing your spouse say "I
told you so" the whole time will NOT help. You may need to take your
time and let him get used to the idea. Are there support groups you could
ask him to attend with you? Will your PCP and/or surgeon let him come and
take a minute to explain to him what will happen if you DON'T have the
surgery? He is probably scared that something will happen to you - at
least that's what it sounds like to me. I would personally gather the
statistics together, and write him a letter. Some ideas I have would be
... "by age xx my bones will have worn out to the point I will need
joint replacements. The complication risk from this surgery is xx%,
including death, coma, stroke, infection, loss of function, etc. for each
surgery. My lungs, kidneys, liver, blood vessels, etc., are all under
incredible strain from my current state, and will not last me as long as I
want to stay alive. By age xx my heart will become congested and fail from
trying to support my excess weight, and I will become dependent on
expensive meds, etc. My life will end early, and my quality of life will
start to deteriorate rapidly if I do not loose at least 100 pounds. Less
than 2% of the people who loose weight can maintain it - and this is a
weight loss of 10%, not 100 pounds like I need to loose. Neither I nor 98%
of American can loose 100 pounds by eating like a rabbit. I admit I got
myself in this position, but I am also willing to do what it takes to save
myself from an early and painful demise. My ONLY option is surgery. The
low risk of the surgery compared to all the other risky, expensive, and
painful treatments I would have to face, is absolutely worth it. Please
support me - I need you."
— bethybb
September 22, 2003
— mlovesh
September 24, 2003
It is your body and your decision. However, that said, I think you have a
bigger problem than whether you need your husbands permission to have
surgery. Communication and respect are the foundations for a good
relationship. If I were in this situation and committed to this
relationship I would be looking for some counseling to deal with all of
these issues. I understand he may only be fearful of losing you. If your
relationship is unstable his big fear maybe that you will leave him if you
lose weight. Realtionships are complex and individual. I really hope you
guys can work thru this somewhat prior to surgery. It would be a rough road
to go with out his support, both physically and emotionally. My husband
also was scared, but would say only that he wanted me to feel better. When
It came right doen to it all, He was a lifesaver, running to the store for
any thing I wanted or needed during my recovery, doing all the laundry,
cooking, dishes etc, while I was recovering post op, along with working 6
days a week to finacially support me since I did not qualify for disability
pay. I never could have done it with out his support. If I didn't have his
support in that way I would have enlisted a friend to stay with me for a
while. GOOD LUCK!!!
— **willow**
September 24, 2003
Whoever said that once you get married you are no longer an individual?? I
am so sorry to sound so cold, but it is true. As much as I think and know
that having supportive people in your life would make this much easier...in
the end it is up to you and what you feel is the best decision for you! It
is okay for your husband to not agree with your decision...but the final
choice is yours to make. Good luck!
Denise Davis (open RNY 7/1/03) 256/188/140
— Denise D.
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