Question:
Who to choose... for marriage
I know that this may not be a wls question, but i truly need help!!! I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. Although he cheated on me 3x w/3 different woman, i feel like i cannot trust him to the fullest extent! Our relationship is rocky. He wants to get married, i dont! He has NO job and has not been able to hold a steady job since we got back together 3 years ago. I honestly am not happy! Well, my ex always calls me out the blue to see if i'm still with my boyfriend and although he has a girlfriend of 5 years he say that he is not happy. We always talk at least 2-3 times per month. His mom hooked them up, because they are johovah witness so that is what she wants her son to marry. We both are LEO'S, (i am 6 days older then him) so its like we are always tryin to impress everyone instead of ourselves! He took me out for my birthday thursday and i didnt get in the house till 5am the next morning. What i am gettin at is am i wasting my time or does he still love me! We talked for hours! He loves my son and everytime i see him he always say he should have been my son's father! We first got together when we were 15 so that like 12 years of chemistry. I truly need help cause everytime i think bout him i inhale & exhale. and i cant stop smilin. When we are around eachother we are always smilin, i NEVER seen him mad or we NEVER got into it out of the 12 years that we have been together. We broke up because his mom wanted me to be a johovah witness so that we can get married. I was only 18 then. Any comments will be greatly appreciated! Nicky — Nicky-28 (posted on August 2, 2004)
August 2, 2004
If you were my daughter; the answer would be MARRY NEITHER! At least get
rid of the currant b/f. As far as the X - I wouldnt consider him for a
husband either until 1) he has finished dealing with his girlfriend and 2)
learned how to deal with his mother issues. It may be you'll both just be
'good' friends.. but until your each honest with yourselves you dont need
to go with each other either. You need to get rid of #1 first. Then
'morn' #1 - dont jump into something else - learn to rely on you and when
your strong go from there.. good luck.
— star .
August 2, 2004
If you CAN'T trust him, what are you still doing with him? Cheating three
times, man... HE"S OUT in my book!! The other guy... if he makes you
happy... what are you doing with the other cheating man?? Don't let
religion stand in your way... work that out first, though... it can ruin a
good marriage/relationship. Don't let people push you into believing
somethingyou don't, either... don't beocome ANY religion just to make
someone else happy. Listen to yourself, and you will make good decisions!
Good Luck!
— Sharon m. B.
August 2, 2004
neither sound like much to me.
— Delores S.
August 2, 2004
Don't make any decisions in a state of confusion, but ask yourself
questions: (1) If your current boyfriend cheated on you 3 times, what's
to stop him from a 4th time? (2) If he has no job, do you anticipate
supporting him for your married life? I'm guessing by your post you're at
or near 30 years old in age. Can you live with a spouse who potentially
could be a non-working spouse long-term? (3) Can your ex stand up to his
mother? If not run like crazy no matter how much he smiles. Anyone who
can't accept you for who you are has no business dictating religious
beliefs to you. If it were me, I'd run away from both of them. You can
do better.
— Cathy S.
August 2, 2004
First let the current boyfriend go regardless of having anyone to fall back
on, but you already knew that. Secondly isn't the 2nd one cheating on his
girlfriend with you? Do you really want another one like that? Just a
thought. I have very strict rules on being in a relationship - you are in
or you are out there is no in between or thinking about another. So this
may seem a little harsh, but it works for me. I deserve the best and so do
you.
— Kristin L.
August 2, 2004
First off, if your current boyfriend cheated, dump him. Once a cheater,
always a cheater. Second, This other guy, the Jehovah's Witness.....if he
is true to his faith, you need to accept this and follow his faith.
Jehovah's Witnesses do not marry out of their faith. Take it from someone
who knows, one believer and one unbeliever in the faith, only brings
heartache. And will seperate your family. SO, if you are not willing to
follow his belief, it will not work. As for listening to his mother, she
tells him what is in his best interest. I hope this helps you come to a
decision.
— Karen J.
August 2, 2004
1. Dump the current one. If you're not happy now, it's not gonna get
better.
2. Have you and your ex been fooling around? If so, he's cheating on his
current girlfriend, so I wouldn't go there either.
I would say move on, get to the point that you're happy with yourself, and
then look for a significant other who will treat you well.
— mom2jtx3
August 2, 2004
Hey just RUN!!!! Neither one is GOOD for you but you need to see this!!!!!
NICKY you deserve the best and if you settle for second or even third best
,,,,HEY that's what you'll get. Peace and remember you are number one!!!!!
— Marcy L.
August 2, 2004
You deserve better than either one of them....They're BOTH cheating. You've
changed your body - now change your mind. When you love yourself and
realize that you deserve the best, you'll attract someone who will love
you, too.
— Deborah G.
August 2, 2004
It seems to me you already know the answer to the present boyfriend. You
don't need to invest anymore time to this guy, life is too short. As far as
your ex, Only time will or can tell. Before you make any decision on your
ex you need to wash your hands of the present boyfriend, this is only fare
to him.(your ex) I'm sure your a bright and beautiful woman with a good
head on your shoulders and no one deserves to be treated that way. Follow
your heart and it will lead. Trust is a BIG issue to deal with in a
relationship, without it, it will never work, ask anyone. Keep your head up
and your foot grounded on your decision what ever it may be. Good Luck and
Best Wishes.
— Alisha R.
August 2, 2004
Why _marriage_? You seem to be about the age of my grandson, so I'm going
to make some "grandma-like" suggestions. First, drop the cheater
-- he'll do it again (and again, and again...). You do realize that every
time he has intercourse with another woman he is exposing himself to STDs
which he can very easily pass on to you. Also, having intercourse with a
man who has had several sexual partners increases your chances of having
cancer of the cervix. In this day and age this fellow is dangerous
company!
Now for your ex-boyfriend from high school -- First, he is married. That
is Mountain #1. Mountain #2 is his mother (and you'll never climb that
one!) Mountain #3 is his religion -- it appears he has a deep belief and
if he keeps on within his church it's a battle waiting to happen; if he
gives it up for you then YOU will be to blame when he is unhappy.
Gram's advice would be to get both of these losers out of your life, take a
six-month period to learn who YOU are and what YOU need. Then take a deep
breath and look around -- there are better fish in the sea than ever came
out of it (old, old, old, but true). Good luck.
Nina in Maine
— [Deactivated Member]
August 2, 2004
From personal experience.. dump the cheater he will continue to do it and
will continue to break your heart. Second.... dump the other one too..
Start fresh with a clean slat and step out of your comfort zone you may
just find the perfect man.. I did. I am now happily married and happier
than I have ever been in my life.. Trust that God does know what is best.
Be happy alone and then seek companionship. Good luck and God bless.
— Vitabella
August 2, 2004
Why do you feel that you have to get married? Why do you feel that it
should be one of these two? They are both cheaters and the one you are with
now is living off of you. As long as you keep allowing the cheating and the
mooching, he will keep doing it. I say dump them both and take some time
for yourself. When you aren't looking, the right one will come along.
— Yolanda J.
August 3, 2004
I just wanted to say thanks to all of the comments that i received. It
really did help me out yesterday, as i was feelin like i had to choose. I
told my current boyfriend that i am not in love with him anymore. He told
me that he is not going anywhere and that he will try his best to win me
back... I dont want to be won back, i told him it was over, but he is not
understanding that i am serious. I have not had sex with him a over a
month now and he does not turn me on either. When i look at him sometimes
he makes my stomach hurt. I think that i am still in love with my ex
because we have great communication. Although he has been with his
girlfriend for 5 years, we have never slept witheach other during the time
that they were together. I know i need to be by myself because i am 27yrs
old and have been in and out of relationships for the past 11 years. 7 with
my current and 4 with my ex. But thank you all for helping me with all the
emotions i have going on all at once! Nicky
— Nicky-28
August 3, 2004
I have been through two bad marriages. I can tell you a few things I have
learned. People will not change (much). If you have a problem in a
relationship, magnify it by 100X because it will not get better, only
worse. Hope this helps you. Save yourself for a peaceful and easy
relationship, if not for yourself, to show your kids what it should be like
so they have something positive to learn from.
— missmollyk
August 3, 2004
P.S. I don't know who said it, but "Being alone is better than being
with just anybody." That's helped me through some long, lonely
nights! Nina in Maine
— [Deactivated Member]
August 3, 2004
Hey Nicky,
The only person that can answer your question is you girl!!!
You need to follow your heart. I was with a cheater for 11yrs and it is
not worth it!!!! I have two kids by him and now we are just friends. It
sucks to be alone but we all get over it. My opinon is that you need to
take some time for yourself and you will see that there is to many men out
there to worry about the 2 you have now. God, has a plan for all of us and
neither one of those men sounds to be your soul mate. He's out there
believe me I'm still waiting. Good luck on any descion you make, but be
true to yourself.
— Sherry S.
August 3, 2004
Nicky,
First of all, you should get as far away as possible from your current
boyfriend if he's treating you like that. You don't want to be involved
with it, and your son sure as heck shouldn't be seeing you treated that
way!
Cara
— Cara M.
August 3, 2004
Sounds like you are trying to pick the lesser of two evils. Try being
alone for a while and concentrating on your needs...then it may come clear
to you that neither sounds like a good catch!
— M. Me
August 3, 2004
Sweetie, I'd live alone for the rest of my life before I'd commit myself to
living with either of these no-good guys. Kick BOTH of them out of your
life and find someone worthy of you.
— MsBatt
August 4, 2004
Well, 100 percent support for dumping the current cheater boyfriend so
far..thats a no brainer, Nicky. Regardless of what he is telling you, his
track record, and lack of a job should speak volumes to you and if your
smart enough, you will tell him to move on and mean it and do it. Now for
this ex..if he feels the same way, I would suggest he separate from his
girlfriend so that the two of you can explore your feelings for each other.
I wouldn't even consider marriage at this point. Think more about
developing a healthy relationship with a man who cares for your son and let
time take its course. At your age, what is the rush. Do it right.
— Cindy R.
August 5, 2004
First of all, don't rush into any relationship right now. You are a little
over a year post op and just now beginning to understand the new you.
Adding a new relationship at this point will only hinder that
process.<br>Your current boyfriend does not sound like a winner.
Sorry, but I have no respect for a cheater....a THREE time cheater!!
Wow... Add to that the fact that he is unable to hold a job! It's just as
easy to love money as it is to love debt. :)<br>Your ex....honestly,
it sounds to me that you have the gradios, romantic thoughts about how
wonderful your past was with him and how it could be in the future. It's
never as good as your imagination. Especially given the fact that he calls
to see if you are still involved with your boyfriend when HE is in a long
term relationship. Doesn't show much fidelity on his part
either.<br>My advice...move on, from both of them. Rebecca
— RebeccaP
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