Question:
Marriage is great but depressed & guilty.........
I'm feeling so many things and feel so guilty about them. Can't talk with family or friends about it. They all know and love my husband and I'm afraid they would be judgmental towards me. Can't post my feelings on my profile because they all (including my husband) all read my updates. Hope someone here might have experienced the same feelings. I am 2 1/2 years post-op and have lost just under -200 lbs. I am at goal and feel great and most of all look great. At this time in my life I am feeling so mixed up. My husband and I have been married 24 years. In the first 22 years most happy but also alot of ups & downs. I stayed with him because I loved him so much. Then I had my surgery and my marriage became the best it had ever been both physically & mentally. He supported my surgery and has walked with me through my journey day by day. He has showered me in the last 2 1/2 years with so much love & affection it has felt truly wonderful and has been the kind of marriage I have always wanted and I had thrived on it and was never so happy in my entire life. My husband has been by my side caring for me through my knee surgeries and gastric bypass like no other man I know. Sex was great as the weight melted off and I felt like I was the luckiest woman alive. My husband can't work for the past 6 months due to a severe and debilitating back condition for which he will soon have spinal fusion surgery with the implanted hardware. He takes care of the house and kids while I work, cleans, cooks, IRONS, and runs the house traipsing the kids all over. Everyone I know wishes they had my husband! I don't know what it is now but I have felt so depressed the last few months because although I love my husband like no other, I feel like I am falling out of love with him and I feel so guilty. If I said this to family or friends they would think I was so ungrateful. Now he needs me to help him get through his serious surgery. I try to avoid sex because it just doesn't excite me. I fantasize about other men (not anyone real that I know or have met) but just in general and wonder what it would be like in an exciting relationship with my new body. My husband has been my only lover since we met in our teens. I feel terrible about these feelings and don't want to have them. I want to feel the excitement with him, grow old with him. If I left the marriage I feel like I would be abandoning him now when he needs me both in his upcoming surgeries and financially because I am the breadwinner since he hasn't been able to work because of his disability. Has anyone experienced this. I feel so alone and everyone knows there's something wrong but I can't talk to anyone I know about these feelings so they are just kept bottled up. Thank you for listening. Even if no one has been through this, posting has given me the forum to vent. — Deborah B. (posted on September 4, 2004)
September 3, 2004
Is your hubby MO?
— bob-haller
September 3, 2004
AMOS MOD NOTE: Would the original poster please let me know how they
managed to post this anymously?
— bob-haller
September 3, 2004
I would strongly recommend marriage counceling even if you go by yourself
or at least therapy. You are going through huge physical changes and you
might just need meds for depression. In my opinion, I would try everything
possible to fix or at least find out what the problem is since he sounds
like a great guy. You've been with him for so long to just scrap your
marriage.
— Yolanda J.
September 3, 2004
I would see a therapist (on my own) without my husband. To sort out my
feelings; this could be one of those 'mid-life' crisis - you didnt
"play" now you are wondering if you missed something (which trust
me you havent!) .. but talking to someone private might help.
— star .
September 4, 2004
It sounds to me like you may be experiencing something very common at this
stage of marriage, and it happens to fall at the same time as WLS and your
husbands health issues. I am married to the same kind of man that you are,
we have been through similar problems. We were married 22 years and then
divorced. I had the same feelings as you. Knew what I had in stability,
faithfulness etc., however still felt like there was something else I was
missing out on. I found what I was missing out on... it was emptiness.
The divorce lasted 2 years, we both dated, found someone else in our lives,
and tried to move forward. After 2 years of divorce I had a severe
gallbladder attack, and guess who was there for me... my husband. He
stayed with me and the kids and took care of the house and nursed me back
to health. I realized during that time how much he meant to me, the kids
and what I had been missing without him. We remarried 1 year afterwards
and have been married now for 11 more years. I feel like God placed him
back in our lives for a reason, and I would NEVER risk losing him again.
Think long and hard about your priorities before you make a dicision.
— s
September 4, 2004
I can't believe it, you have desribed my life to a tea! Although I am only
1 yr. out and my husband is experiencing knee problems,the rest is so
totally my life. We've been married 24yrs, he has been there for me
litterally through thick and thin, very supportive through this journey and
our relationship couldn't be better right now.He is the man every woman
would die to have, a very good provider, and a heart of gold.
But.... I am feeling like there may be something I'm missing, and I have
begun having thoughts and fantasies about another man.
I know that with WLS comes alot of emotional change also and I do believe
that is what is going on, but the urge is so stronge sometimes, I'm afraid
someday I will act.
I logged on this morning to see if anyone is experiencing the same things,
and there you were, the first post I read.
Could you please contact me, I would love to connect with someone with so
much in common with my life, maybe we could work this out together.
I know alot of people suggesst therapy, but that's just not me. I need
someone to relate with.
— Hilda R.
September 4, 2004
Obviously it was anonymous for a reason
— Des812
September 4, 2004
I'm with you. I'm also going through a tough time in my marriage. I wish
you all the luck and best wishes.Sarah
— sarah C.
September 4, 2004
AMOS MOD NOTE! I zapped the info refering back to the posters profile. I
wasnt upset we didnt know who it was just curious as to how they managed
it. For those knowledgable to do it please dont post it here, given the
content I understand why the original poster didnt want people to know who
they are.
— bob-haller
September 4, 2004
I had trouble as a post-op with depression. It affected how I saw my
husband and my kids, although I didn't understand that it was the
depression causing this. I finally sought treatment, and have to tell you,
my feelings are back to normal. I wish I had done this 2 years ago.
Please, please, please don't do something you'll regret later. Get some
therapy and meds for your depression. The grass is NOT greener on the
other side, and men like that are hard (REALLY hard) to find. You have the
priceless knowledge that he loves you for you, not for how you look. That
brief period of "excitement" with someone new will pass as well.
Marriage is a lifetime comittment. Feelings come and go, but knowing you
have a partner who loves you no matter what and will be there for you no
matter what is something you're not going to find easily. I got married
later in life, so maybe have a better idea of just how many losers you have
to go through to find a winner. I really think that addressing your
depression will get you feeling back to normal.
— mom2jtx3
September 4, 2004
ATTN BOB!!! unfortunately her info (link to profile) is IN the digest that
is mailed to everyone on the list...so it's unfortunately not annonymous in
total. Dang!
— [Deactivated Member]
September 4, 2004
Your story sounds very familiar. If you need to chat, my email address is
[email protected]. I am a 52 year old female, married 22 years, and 2 years
out of surgery. I have been through much the same thing, also with the
husband that everybody loves. I too, have few I can have such a
conversation with. If you wish, email me.
— Martha P.
September 4, 2004
I know exactly what u are going thru. THe length of my marriage was a
little different but lots of other paralells, would be happy to to talk to
u anytime whether in this public forum or in private.
— Nonie
September 4, 2004
I am relieved to report her profile appears to be a bogus one set up for
discussions like this:) Her post talks about updates but her profile is
essentially blank and has no surgery updates either. There are just some
subjects you cant have friends and family aware of. I wonder if the spoise
ias MO? In cases where only 1/2 of a couople get WLS my surgeon says they
almost always get divorced. Its a interesting bug where the posters nanme
doesnt appear on the site but only in digests, I will report that.
— bob-haller
September 5, 2004
So, is this a real person's post, or just put in to get people to open up?
If it's not for real, then I feel deceaved, hurt, and tricked because I AM
going through these emotions and when I asked her to contact me, I got
contacted alright, but from someone who gave me their religious opinion of
the subject, which makes me feel even worse. I thought this site was here
not only for support and information, but for connections with those who
are going through similar things.
HIlda
— Hilda R.
September 5, 2004
Sorry I have miss handled this one from the beginning:( I believe its a
real member, disquising their true identity so there family and friends
wouldnt know. Many have profiles like this here. To voice legit concerns
without the content getting back to say a spouse. Imagine the horror of a
co worker coming to you saying sorry to hear your marriage is breaking up.
read it on the internet this AM... Oh you didt know:(
<P> Good reason for what she did...
— bob-haller
September 5, 2004
I could say a bunch of stuff here, but it would take away from what I
really want to say. When I got married I was given some really good
advice. <br><br>You will fall in and out of love with the same
man over and over if you just give yourself the
chance.<br><br>She went on to say that too many couples get
divorced after only a couple of years because they fall into one of the
'out' times and just don't wait around for the next 'in' time. Because you
have been married for so long I think you will be able to find some truth
in this statement. Just don't lose sight of it now this far into the game.
/hugs
— RebeccaP
September 5, 2004
I do not know whether or not the original poster is legit or not. I do
however understand their feelings to a point. I will be 2 years out this
October & things in my 25 year marriage have been going downhill. My
hubby was great before, during and after the surgery.. my weight loss has
bee 170 lbs and I think he likes the new me.. Our problem is sex.. well
lack of it. None at all since right before the surgery. He will not talk to
me about it and in the meantime he has gained about 60 lbs... I'm betting
some of you will suggest therapy well he will not do that either.. I still
love him & want to stay married but the new me feels great & wants
to experience life to it's fullest and I don't want to do it alone.. Also I
miss sex... What's a girl to do ??
— Anne T.
September 5, 2004
Anne, I'm assuming since you have been married for 25 years your hubby is
over 40. Sometimes when men get older, things don't ummm, work the same or
at the same intensity as they did when they were younger. (hows that for
beating around the bush?) A lot of times when men experience this they are
afraid to talk about it with ANYONE, let alone a counselor. He could be
experienceing something medical and it may not have anything to do with you
at all. Just an idea. :D
— RebeccaP
September 8, 2004
Regardless of whether or not this is a legitimate post, I'm sure there are
people out there with very similar situations. It reminds me of some advise
I heard once that took a long time for me to get my brain around. That is,
Love is a decision. My immediate reaction was to reject that philosophy, as
I felt love was an emotion. But as I've gotten older, I realize that TRUE
love - with all of its ups and downs (perhaps BECAUSE of its ups and downs)
IS a decision, and takes work. You've rattled off a laundry list of reasons
to love this man; are there reasons NOT to love him? If not, or if they're
not significant, I would recommend reconsidering your love for him,
revitalizing it, and recommitting to it. Oh, and I would also advise
counseling, which will be totally confidential, but can also help you
greatly getting through this tough time.
Hope that you feel on more secure footing in your marriage and how you're
feeling.
— johanniter
September 9, 2004
My name is Diana Gordon (New York) and I am the original poster. I didn't
try to post anonymously, I don't know why my profile wasn't linked to my
original post and feel very upset that I would be labeled an imposter and
not a legitimate poster. Isn't it a fact that you have to sign in here as
an AMOS member before you can post. That fact alone makes it legitimate
right! I posted my feelings here because my friends and family aren't
members and cannot access these posts. They read my profile often because
they have all followed my journey for years and my profile spans years of
ups and downs along the way and I didn't want this on my profile for them
all to read about which is why I came to this site. My husband is not a
WLS patient, only me. I know I am lucky to have this man in my life I just
have to get through this somehow. I don't know what the big deal was about
whether this was anonymous or not. Seems inconsequential to me.
— Diananana
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