Question:
Supportive friend?
Hi everyone! I have a problem. I'm due to have surgery on June 7th. The problem is this. My best friend is so-so-so-aganist this surgery. She told me last night that this kind of surgery disgusts her. I didn't say anything as I was taken back by that comment. I like to "chat" here in the chat room and when I told her I was doing this, she said that I was chatting with "my gastro buddies". I know everyone won't be supportive of WLS, but she is suppose to be my best friend. And yes, she is thin. What do I say to her when she makes these comments to me? And when she say's to me, "why don't you just try and diet and exercise again"? Help!!! I'm trying to maintain a positive state of mind as I get ready for this adventure! Thanks! Kristin — MissAuntieK (posted on May 3, 2000)
May 2, 2000
Hi Kristin,
I think I may evaluate if she is indeed your friend.
I have a couple of thoughts in regard to your posting.
First, what I said to the negative folks was this "This is my
decision, you have never lived my life, you have no idea what it feels like
to be afraid to walk into a restaurant because you do not know if you will
fit into the seats. You have no idea what it feels like to be talked about
so that you can hear it, because... who cares ... your fat ... your less
than human.
Be honest with this person. Tell her how painful it is to be fat, that you
do not lie on the couch eating bonbons... that it is a metabolic condition
.. it is biology and what this surgery will do is change you biology.
And lastly .... tell her that if she cannot be supportive ... stay away
from the topic.
That you need to keep a positive focus and you have made your mind up.
So unless she has something good to say, keep her mouth shut.
Something else to think about ... maybe because she is thin and you are
not, she feels superior to you. What happens if you get thin? Will she
now have competition for the "pretty one"?
Just as husbands & boyfriends can be threatened ... because they are
comfortable with a woman that is grateful to be loved .... friends can be
the same way.
Kristin ... you are doing this for you, not anyone else.
I am 2.5 years post op, I have lost 225 lbs ... I am weraing a size 12, I
am healthier than I have ever been.
Life is incredible.
Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much
M
— Mary Anne M.
May 2, 2000
I have to question whether or not this is a true friend of yours. You
should not have to justify your decisions, choices and actions to her or
anyone else. You can both agree to differ on this. I have friends who are
very active in the size acceptance movement. One lady when I told her about
the surgery said to me I'm really sorry to hear that. Ok fine, that's her
opinion. My thought is I don't want to get to the point she is and can't
walk much or go up and down stairs. But of course I did not say that to
her. She has her belief on the subject and I have mine and only I know what
is best for me. As long as I know surgery is right for me, I do not have to
justify myself to her or to anyone else. Another close friend in that
movement said to me she doesn't believe in doing this BUT she is my friend
and will be there to support me regardless. That is a true friend in my
opinion.
Deciding to have this surgery is not done lightly for any of us. There are
so many factors considered. Your friend should respect you for knowing what
is best for YOU and also for gathering information from others (via
chatting, email, etc) so that you are completely informed.
Furthermore, isn't it always a skinny person to say just eat less and
exercise more. If it was that simple, there would be no obese people here
on earth.
Keep your positive state of mind and stick with people who support you. She
can not be considered such a good friend the way she is treating you.
Perhaps she has ulterior motives? Maybe she likes that she is thin and you
are not for her own selfish reasons. I believe life is tough enough and it
is best for us to surround ourselves with positive people limiting the
negativity as much as possible.
If you and her are really true friends, then you can agree to disagree and
still respect one another. If she is not able to do this, you have to
question this friendship.
— Denise K.
May 3, 2000
Hi I am sorry your friend reacted that way. I really don't think she is
trying to hurt you. My best friend reacted much the same way when I told
her. We have always had a really open relationship and so I asked her why
she reacted that way. We discussed her fears of me not "needing
her" anymore, me searching out other thin friends (she is overweight
too) and me not making it. We discussed it alot over the weeks and she is
happy that I am happy even though she still doesn't like the thought of the
surgery.
Honestly I had those same thoughts when a client of mine said that she was
going to do this surgery. I thought and even asked her how could she do
this to herself and that I couldn't imagine doing it and such things.
Because of my client and friend I decided to do research and learn more so
I could make intelligent remarks and know what she was going through. Once
I did the research and risks and benefits I found that it was the solution
that I was looking for myself. Now my friend/client and I are able to
support each other and my best friend is also supportive through her own
understanding of how I feel. She is feeling better about it after the
operation since she knows I am alright.
I hope this helped. Take care Tammy
— Tamilyn12
May 3, 2000
Kristin,
I have heard it said that when some people get this surgery
they make new friends, and unforturnatley lose some old ones.
I personally, would lay it on the line with this one. Yes,
I do believe that friendships are important, but if she cannot
support your decision to make yourself better, than she is
not worth the time of day. To me it sounds like she pushes
her opinions often.
— Becki S.
May 3, 2000
Hi Kristen: It's difficult to think of anything to add after these
excellent posts by Ava, Denise, Rebecca, Tammy, and Mary Anne. It sounds
like your friend is speaking out of ingnorance. Try and educate her on the
topic. After all, none of us knew anything about this before researching
it, right? I mean, the information is not in our faces like it is with
some other medical conditions. Perhaps she will change her opinion after
learning more. If she doesn't, either agree to disagree or think about
moving on. There are many of us who have had relationships change after
weight loss surgery. It's generally due to the insecurity of the other
party, not the changes we ourselves experience. Good luck! I hope you can
salvage your friendship.
— Jaye C.
May 3, 2000
Kristin, this "friend" is actually no friend at all, and it
sounds to me like she never has been. Friends and family often had adverse
reactions, but for a "friend" to say those nasty things is not
even in the tolerable range. I think you need to seriously think about
what your "friendship" has actually been. Has it been mutual
trust and respect for each other or has it been that she feels she has
power over you? Because of how society treats obese people, we often have
to be made to feel that we must accept second best. And there are people
(including so called "friends" and "loved ones") who
feel that they have power over us because of our obesity and its
limitations. They feel they can control us by threatening to "go
away" if we do not give in to their whims and opinions. If you truly
feel this has been real friendship between the two of you, then sit her
down, tell her how much her ignorant comments have hurt you, and let her
know that if she cannot be supportive of your decision, then the two of you
need to part company. Please do this (or not do this) for yourself - not
for anyone else. Try to give her some reading materials and then take her
to a support group meeting. She says the procedure disgusts her - you mean
she's not disturbed by your health problems that are associated with your
weight? She's not concerned about having you around for a very long time
as a friend? Her motivations and "friendhip" should be seriously
questioned. I wish you the very best of luck.
— Paula G.
May 3, 2000
Kristin, Think about this...would surgery to remove a cancerous lump in
your breast be as disqusting to your friend as she says "this kind
of" surgery is? Weight loss surgery is as viable an option to help
"cure" obesity as a mastectomy is to help "cure" breast
cancer. Both of these life threatening diseases can be now be virtually
eliminated by a surgical procedure that can improve the quality of and
extend the length of your life. Sometimes those closest to us are really
just afraid for us...but sometimes, they're not so concerned about us as
they are about themselves. Her comment about your "gastric
buddies" is simply rude...not only to you, but to countless others
that she's never even met. In my humble (yet, at this moment somewhat
"ruffled") opinion, is that she seems to needs her "chubby
buddy" (you) to help her feel superior. True friends do use each
other in alot of ways...to share our problems with...to laugh with...to cry
to...for advice...to lift us up when we're down...to pray for us...etc.
But if that friendship is based more on individual NEED than on shared
CARING we have to question the "trueness" of it. Giving her the
benefit of the doubt, maybe she's just scared for you...and if that's the
case you need to talk to her and educate her about the surgery and give her
all your (educated) reasons for choosing this option. Maybe she's just
afraid that she'll lose you to your new "gastric buddies"...in
that case, if you love her and value your friendship, you need to tell her
that too. It's always sad to lose a friend and I really hope this won't
happen for you. But you do have friends here...your "gastric
buddies" are here for you Kristin, and we'll always try to support you
as much as we can.
— cj T.
May 3, 2000
Kristin,
When I read your post it made me so mad. Your "friend" does not
sound like a friend at all. ANY friend would support any decision you made
to make your self healthier and happier. Your "friend" sound
very possessive and insecure about your friendship and ultimately feelings
about herself. I also have a "thin" friend that is not
supportive and she "does not feel good" about me having this
surgery? I expressed my concerns about my health and how she would feel if
I got cancer or had a heart attack or got diabetes and I had the
opportunity to help prevent myself from getting these illnesses and she was
the one that talked me out of it. If this decision disgusts your friend
than you should find friends that really care about you and your health.
If you ever need to talk to anyone email me at [email protected]
— Paula G.
April 5, 2002
Your friend sounds like she is speaking from pure ignorance and close
mindedness. My best friend is a 6 feet tall, 130 lbs (a figure ANY girl
would die for) and when I told her at first, she said "Why? Why dont
you
just eat salads and things like that and work out" I was so upset
with her
but I know I cannot expect her to know everything. So, I explained to her
I
have a problem and I asked her "If you weighed 300 lbs, with back
problems,
would you feel like going to a gym and jumping around?" and she said
"No..
probably not. I didn't think about that" and I just gave her a little
glimpse
into my life and now she understands and supports me 100%!!
— Nicole0105
April 5, 2002
Want an honest opinion? Sounds like it is time for a new friend. It could
be that she might be insecure about what the future of your friendship is.
You mentioned she is thin. Maybe subconsciously she feels a bit superior to
you because you are overweight.... At any rate, I haven't told a few of my
friends either. But for the exact opposite. I have one friend who has to do
everything I do... and she is just a negative person by nature. Add that to
the fact that she is a gossip. Need I say more? I think it is very
important for you to surround yourself with positive thoughts...which means
you need positive people in your life. If your "friend" is so
shallow that she does not understand that obesity is NOT a chosen course in
our lives, but an insideous disease, then she is the one who has the
problem..NOT you! As for turning to the WLS buddies, I see nothing wrong
with that. This has to be the most supportive and caring group of people I
have ever had the honor of coming into contact with. There is an honesty
among the members of AMOS. Want to know something? I will not think TWICE
about sharing my weight and my problems with anyone on this site.. however,
I can't remember the last time I told my husband my TRUE weight (not since
college when I weighed next to nothing! lol) or any other person for that
matter. Up until I decided to learn more about WLS, I was in absolute
denial about my weight. I would close my eyes when I got on the scale in
the doctor's office. With this group, I do not feel self conscious or
"fat"..... I know that I have acceptance, which is more than what
your "friend" has shown you. Even if she disagrees with your
decision, if she is a true friend, she will stand by you every inch of the
way because she loves you. Live life....love life....love yourself. It all
starts with you sweetie!!!!! Good luck and we are all here for you!
— KathieInHawaii
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