Question:
Support?

Hi again. For the people who responded to my problem with my friend and her not being supportive, I wanted to let all of you know that I wrote her a VERY tactful letter to let her know how her comments hurt me. But in that letter I also put down my most personal feelings about how I see myself weight wise. I have NEVER told ANYONE what I told her in that letter. Embarassing stuff like it hurts me when I can't fit into a booth at a resteraunt. I explained to her (even though I don't need to justify myself to her on why I want this surgery) the pro's and con's about the surgery. Well, to make a long story short, she hunted me down where I was getting my hair done and said some nasty things. Then she called back, but my dear friend who is my hairdresser, said I was in the bathroom. I just "lost" it. I cried so hard. I just always thought friends were supposed to support one another no matter what. Even if we don't agree with one another. She also left two more nasty messages on my machine. One telling me that she was only kidding about the "gastric Buddies". I have lost a friend over this weight loss surgery. I started to question if I should even go through with it. Maybe this is a sign that I shouldn't. I don't know. Sorry I'm writting a book. I just wanted you guy's to know what happened. God-Bless and thank you all for your support. It means a lot to me! Kristin    — MissAuntieK (posted on May 4, 2000)

May 4, 2000
Kristin, Please, please do not let this "supossed" friends actions and behavior deter you from doing what is best - FOR YOU! Ever since I decided to have this surgery, my best friend has been nothing but supportive, caring and just completly on "my side" about my WLS. Even though she doesn't agree with the concept of surgery for weightloss, she is supportive of ME! She is already planning on taking time off of her job just to come see me in the hospital, she is going to come with me to the support group I attend and even today, she was "sorry her scheduled vacation is when you will be getting you pre-op tests done and I won't be able to be there." Now that is a friend. I would dump this so called friend faster than a hot rock cause all she is doing is weighing (no pun intended) you down. Please let me know if you need anything....luv much.....
   — heidiinPA

May 4, 2000
Kristin - I am so sorry tp hear of your "friend's" reaction, but I have to say that I am not surprised. From the way you described her behavior towards you, she was never your friend to begin with. It is very sad to lose someone who you thought cared about you. You will grieve and mourn and then you will move on. Please do not make your decision whether or not to have this surgery based on her (or anyone else's) approval. You need to do this FOR YOU for the right reasons. Bowing out because of someone else's opinion is not the right reason. And even if you chose to do that, what would you do now? Go back to her as a friend and say, "I was wrong - I will not have this surgery because of your opinion"? Do you really picture yourself even wanting to go back to her as a "friend"? Hang in there. There are plenty of real friends and supporters in your life. This person does not need to be your only support in life. Please feel free to e-mail me any time privately for support and friendship. ([email protected]) I live in McLean, VA close to Washington, DC. How about you? Anywhere close to my neck of the woods? My surgery is May 10th, so I will be out of the loop for a few days, but otherwise would love to chat. Take care.
   — Paula G.

May 4, 2000
Kristn..I am so sorry that you have lost a friend over this .Maybe you should think as to weather this was actually a valid friendship in this first place. I had the same lack of suport from a friend that is of "Normal size" I sat her down and talked to her and educated her about this surgery. And of all the things that I am not able to do because of my size , like the issue with the booths and chairs with sides. and amusements parks. And she never understood why I would get rid of perfectly good men who didn't mind my size. But I had rather be without a man , than to be in public with one and have another rude person make a comment about my size. and this has happened. and I was devestated and horribly embarrased. After I explained all these things to her as well as the health issue, she said that these things she would have never thought off. And being a lady of normal size these are things that she has no need to think off. But now she is my biggest supporter.
   — [Anonymous]

May 4, 2000
Kristin, This person is not a friend. A friend cares about your feelings and shows you respect which she is not doing at all. She seems to have her own agenda that I don't think you want to get tied up in. You poured your innermost feelings out to her and look how she reacted. Again, she is NOT a friend. You don't need someone like her dragging you down. There are too many people who will respect you and care about you and be your friend. A friend doesn't have to agree with our decisions but they must respect what we decide to do for ourselves. I would strongly suggest your finding a WLS support group in your area and attending. You will meet all kinds of people who are dealing with many of the same issues you are. I promise you it will be a good experience. Only you know what is right for you and remember not to give anyone else that power over you. Above all else, don't give her so much power. She is not worth it. Don't give up on what you believe is right for you because of this person. Denise
   — Denise K.

May 4, 2000
Dearest Kristin, I am so proud of your ability to put your to put your feelings into writing! That is so very hard to do. To admit to ourselves all those hurtful things we have buried under our extra pounds for all those years. It is unfortunate that the person you chose to share those precious bits of yourself with is not worthy of you! Don't loose heart. There are people out there who care deeply about someone other than themselves. What is wonderful is that you have taken steps to becoming your own "best friend" by opening your mind and heart on paper. Others will be drawn to you because of that ability. Love and prayers sent your way. Jay
   — Jeannine (Jay) W.

May 4, 2000
Kristin, I'm so sorry that your confrontation with your friend ended so badly, but please don't base your decision to have wls on one person's inablility to accept it. Please go back for a minute and review all those "personal feelings" you mentioned for electing to have this surgery. Those reasons are valid! And your decision to have surgery for those reasons are valid! Most people who aren't overweight (and even some who are) believe that our excess weight is a just punishment for our inablility to "control our eating" and because of that, we "deserve" to be fat. But even fat people have a right to be happy, Kristin. Believe me, I've tried and tried over the years to "accept" my weight as part of who I am. I'm 48 years old and have been substancially overweight for 30 of those years. I've tried virtually everything to lose this weight and when that didn't work, I tried everything else to try to accept myself the way I am...but that didn't work either. I was still unhappy at seeing so many of the good things in life just pass me by without be able to even sample them. I had/have family members who have been unable to accept my decision to have WLS as a means to better my life...some were just afraid for me, some, however, (my younger sister) were simply jealous. But as an adult who has managed to raise 4 children for the past 11 years by herself and now finds herself at a point in her life where she can finally take the time to improve the quality of the life she has left, I made a decision to do just that...improve not only the quality of my life but to hopefully add to it. I would really like to be around to see any future grandchildren, AND to enjoy them. I do want to date again...and maybe even get married (yikes!) again...I want to "live" the rest of my days...not simply "exist" with no chance at happiness. I don't know how old you are, Kristin, but please don't let this situation with your friend keep you from reaching out for future happiness...don't wait as long as I did to finally do something for yourself in order to "appease" someone who dosen't seem to understand or even care about how you feel. The decision to have this surgery is a personal one and can be a tough one. But, God bless you Kristin, on whatever you decide. We really are here for you. cj
   — cj T.

May 4, 2000
All right, where do you live? Wisconsin? ROAD TRIP....everyone hop in the van, I'll drive...let's get her! How DARE she treat you like this? OK, just kidding, Kristen. I'm so sorry that things have gone this way with your friend, or with someone that you thought was your friend. I know that this must really hurt. First, to suffer the indignities that are forced on us, then to bare your soul, and have to deal with the rejection and hostility from someone whom you care about, and thought cared about you. You know what I think? That this situation was inevitable. Maybe not over WLS, but it would have happened at some point (like you having a great relationship or something that impacted HER). Maybe you will mend the relationship, but it'll probably never be the same. And you know what? That's OK. You'll be growing and changing in ways that will amaze you. I cetainly don't think that you should take any of this as a sign that you shouldn't have the surgery. Why on Earth would anyone who cares about you NOT want you to be healthier and happier?
   — Jaye C.

May 4, 2000
Kristen, Of all the heartfelt letters on here that I have read, yours touched me deeply because I could feel your pain. I am sure that many of us could feel your pain as you can see in all of the wonderful responses that you have recieved, each one being from the heart. As one who has examined her own heart and thought processes now that I am thin again, I wanted to ask you to think about something for me. When I was heavier, I had a tendency to want everyone to like me no matter what. I would take alot more insults than the average person from everyone just because I believe that I thought that I had to. I was big, and so, I didn't want to make waves with friendships. I really believe that I would put up with it because I just didn't have the self esteem to put my foot down and let people know how they were hurting me. I am a people pleaser by nature, and don't get into confrontations at all so therefore people could walk all over me, make fat jokes and I would be the first to laugh, and do almost anything to make someone be my friend. I think down deep I couldn't see how anyone would want to be friends with this obese person. I didn't see that then, but I do now. I certainly didn't pick and choose my friends wisely, I was just friends with anyone who would be mine. Sad, but true. When my best friend told me that she was going to have the silastic ring surgery, all I could think of was "geez, can't she lose weight by herself" and "gee that's quite drastic, I would NEVER do something like that"....but you know what? I NEVER told her that. I supported her, went to the doctor with her and the hospital, and supported her afterwards. About a year later, I changed my mind (partly due to being jealous of her weight loss) and decided to have the BPD/DS. Know what she was thinking? "I would NEVER have that surgery as it's soooo drastic and lifelong" " I think that Barbara is crazy". But know what else? She was my biggest supporter. She was there for me at every step too...Neither of us told the other one about the doubts we had until about a month ago and we laughed and laughed because both of us felt that the other was the biggest supporter of the other one. We never knew about the doubts or fears that we had for each other. Her ring failed and she is now going in for a revision to a BPD/DS. What I am trying to say hon, is that this is my only true friendship. Other people will give their opinions but they are only "outside" opinions. In the whole scheme of life, it is only YOU that should be the most important person in your life. I know that having self esteem is hard right now but you have to dig deep and find that little pearl of self esteem hiding deep inside, bring it to the surface and let yourself know that YOU are the most important person in the world to you. You are your best friend. Do something good today for the you inside you. Look in the mirror and see the beautiful person down deep and then sit there and tell yourself 3 things that are wonderful about you and don't say you can't think of any. There are loads of things. Your compassion and intelligence comes to my mind right away. I cannot and will not tell you to have this surgery. This is such a personal decision. You alone, must weigh the pros and cons by yourself, without anyone else telling you about you and what you should do. I can only tell you that if you see yourself as a worthwhile and wonderful person like we all see you, you will make the right choice and make KRISTEN a happier person in the end. Love yourself Kristen, then whatever anyone else says or thinks is secondary to what you feel inside. I wish you luck on your decision making and I send you love from my heart. None of us may be there physically with you but we are all sending our hearts there to you to hold onto at this difficult time in your life. With so much love coming your way, you are bound to see the beautiful Kristen that we all can see by your letters. You are also bound to make the right decision for the most important person in your life....YOU. Barbara
   — BARBARA R.

May 4, 2000
Under no circumstances are you to commit suicide to please your so-called friend. You need this surgery to live and have a better quality of life. To not do it would be suicide. You are right a friend is supposed to support you no matter what. I think you answered your own question regarding whether she is a friend or not. Each and every one of us are here for you. Most times the doctors that perform this surgery has support groups. Find one and join prior to surgery. Make new friends in a group thats going through some of the same things you are, realize that there are true friends out there. Take care.
   — L. N.

May 5, 2000
Kristin, Let me tell you, I sure feel for you! Unfortunately, many of us change so drastically after surgery, that your story about so called friends can be told for many of us. I am going through a major revelation the healthier I get: some of my friends are only my friends if I meet their needs, but if I have needs to meet, they take off. After years of stuffing my feelings, and now months of not being able to do that, I am coming to some realizations that many of my friendships are one- sided. I refuse to be involved in thse kind of relationships and am meeting and making new friends. However, the pain I have been feeling as I leave other relationships is, at times, debilitating. I feel I have been used for years by some people! My future is bright, and so is yours! There are many people out there who will be the friend you need- but you need to take care of YOU- not your "friend". Hang in there and know you are not alone!
   — M B.

May 5, 2000
Kristen, First I would like to thank you for the info on my personal profile. Thanks a lot. I would also like to tell you to not worry about the loss of your "friend". She was not a true friend. True friends do disagree and agrue, but if she had been your friend she would have worked this problem out with you. Instead she continues to attack you. My girl, count this as one of those trials and tribulations that the Almighty God places before us to make us better people. Pray for this person and that one day she will allow God to touch her soul and be a true friend to someone. I hope things go well for you. Anytime you need someone to talk to and you can't find me in the chat room my email address is [email protected] Just from what little I read, She is the loser. She lost a true gift. I would love to be your friend. I believe we can't have too many of them. Your new friend, Laurenn
   — Laurenn M.

May 5, 2000
Kristen, your letter broke my heart. You do NOT need a frient like that. That is not a friend. A TRUE friend is going to be there for you no matter what! I know it hurt you terribly but I hope you will take comfort in the fact that there are so many of us who have "been there, done that" with our own friends and yes, family, too! I count my blessings daily with my family and friends who have stood by me while I made the toughest decision of my life. But they were there for me and I love and appreciate them so much. I want you to know you have SOMEONE who understands and will stand in your corner and cheer you on with this decision. If you want to talk, you can e-mail me at [email protected]. God Bless You and keep you safe.
   — Jean M. G.

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