Question:
Has anyone lost their best friend because of WLS?

My closest friend and I have been friends for 12 years and have battled the bulge together the entire time. I had WLS 6 weeks ago. The first time she saw me after surgery I had lost about 13 lbs and she was very depressed and cried. She said it was just her and I shouldn't pay attention. The next time she came over I had lost about 20 lbs and she not only cried again but she snapped at me which is not like her. She then began to distance herself from me, not calling me. (For reasons too long to explain, I can't call her house and we've had this arrangement for years.) Since last week I have not heard from her at all. I really tried to be sensitive to her feelings. I made it a point NOT to over-discuss my WLS when we were together. I have not bragged or acted overly happy or proud. I have not tried to talk her into WLS or said that she should try to lose weight. I guess I feel that I have not done anything to cause her to treat me this way and I am very hurt by her actions. I am wondering if anyone else has had this problem.    — [Anonymous] (posted on May 30, 2001)

May 29, 2001
I have experienced this myself. Not with my weight loss but with another aspect of my life. I never changed but the people around me did. I sunk into a great depression over it. THAT was a big mistake. Toughen up and remember to focus on why you did this. For yourself. Stay strong and get some counseling to assist you.
   — Nancy Z.

May 29, 2001
It must be hard not to be able to share this happiness with someone you care so deeply for! I'd imagine your best friend could have probably posted the exact same question, though. The two of you are losing a common bond. You've probably had many heartfelt conversation about how obesity has impacted and limited your lives. Who is going to commiserate with her now? <p> I have to give her credit for telling you it was 'just her' and to not worry about her tears. I think she realizes the tension her feelings are causing. Maybe she is taking the time now to get her emotions under control. When she contacts you (I'm sure she will!), you'll need to air the situation out in the open. Tell her that your friendship means a great deal to you and that you wouldn't strain it for anything in the world. Tell her that your decision to have WLS was a personal choice and doesn't reflect how you feel about her, but that you wanted to be healthy. Tell her, too, that you don't feel comfortable sharing your successful losses with her because you think it makes her feel uncomfortable and ask her how you guys should proceed being close friends while you continue to lose weight. <p> Pithy, but true: a truly close friend will be happy for you and get over the 'loss' of a sister in obesity. She'll want to see you healthy and happy. Give it some time - her ego may be bruised right now - and she'll come around. After all, you've been friends for a long time. Good luck and remember, you'll be making lots of new friends now!
   — Allie B.

May 29, 2001
I think your friend really feels like she's lost you and she has to an extent, because you have changed. There is now a part of you that is not the same. Possibly the part of you that made you so comfortable to her. You shared FOOD - probably the same comfort foods! If your friendship is important to you, I think you need to reach out to her and explain to her that you have not changed on the inside, you are still you. You might even need to explain to her that she has hurt you too. Your change in body is for your health, your sanity. If she is a true friend, she will see that and be happy for you. Please don't let her immediate reaction depress you. Let's hope she comes around. I am pre-op, still waiting for insurance approval but my best friend and I have already discussed this matter. She is jealous that I am even looking into having this surgery. She doesn't think it's fair that I will not longer have to struggle with the same things anymore. Her and I share the same eating habits. We run for the cupboard together. But, I do have to say that she has been very excited for me. She understands my desires and needs for the surgery. She wants me to reclaim my life. We've made a pack to talk about 'problems'as they arise, make our feelings known and most of all - keep the friendship strong!
   — Karen B.

May 29, 2001
I have been in your friends shoes and I have also been in yours. Weird situation but, my best friend had this surgery first and I had told her that there was no way in the world that I would ever do this. After she went from 225 to 150, I was sooooo jealous although I never told her that. I encouraged her and just kept my jealousy quiet. I knew that our days of talking about being large were over. I knew that eating junk food together was over. couldn't make fat jokes about us anymore cause I was the only "fat" person and they would be only directed at me. It was very lonely and I felt awful but still encouraged her to her face. That is a friend. Then, a year later, I decided I didn't want to be the fat one anymore and I had surgery. A different surgery, but surgery nonetheless. I started losing quickly but know what??? She had a problem and started gaining again. Now I am the thin one and she is large again. She encourages me completely and has never said a bad thing about this. She is having a revision and will eventually be thin again but in the meantime, we talked about how each one of us encouraged the other even when we didnt' really want to. When we were feeling bad for ourselves. Your freind has lost a comrade and right now that's hard. She thinks you will forget how it "was". I can tell you that we, who have been through this, never ever forget how it was and actually most of us are even MORE empathetic now to the plights of large people. I would defend a large person to the death now knowing what they go through. I think that large people have to be some of the strongest people on earth to put up with what they do. It's shear open and outright descrimination and they don't get a break at all. Good luck to you.
   — Barbara H.

May 30, 2001
I have had a similar situation. My mother had this surgery last June and has gone from a size 32 to a size 18. On the one hand, I'm proud of her and excited. On the other hand, it has really changed the dynamics of our relationship. After so many years of staying home and hiding, she's now out seeing friends and vacationing. She doesn't have the same time for me as she used to. In fact, she's going away all summer long to have fun. Since her surgery, I've felt uncomfortable eating around her and I do not like to talk about weight. Shame on me, I've actually felt feelings of resentment as she's passed me in dress size. However, I am having this surgery on June 21 and look forward to joining her in her newfound happiness and hope we will both live a healthier life from now on. Maybe your friend just doesn't know what to say or how to feel. When she's around you, it feels like your weight loss is the center of attention and might make her feel insecure about herself and her weight. This is not your fault. But I think it's a common reaction for friends and family members to have. Give her time and hopefully she'll be able to resolve the conflicting feelings of pride and jealousy.
   — PT LawMom

May 30, 2001
I completely know how you feel. I not only lost a friend but my boyfriend of 4 years. I guess he like me better fat and insecure. I actually have some selfesteem now and that bothered him.
   — Tracy C.

May 30, 2001
You better believe it can happen. My late husband's best friend, whom we had both known since childhood, married a few years ago to a girl whom turned out to be my best friend. We talked hours and hours about how it was the best friendship we had ever had with another woman because we were honest with one another, not jealous, had so much in common. I mean, we got to the point we were finishing one another's sentences, and having thoughts at the same time. After my husband died, they were of great comfort to me. My husband's friend used to joke with his friends at work that he had two wives.<br><br>They both were very supportive during surgery, staying with me in the hospital, helping out around the house, with the children, etc., etc. Everything was normal until we got close in jeans sizes - I'm in a 16, she's in a 14. I never see or hear from her. I have to make the effort if I do. I'm still close with the husband, just because of his bond with my husband and I before his marriage, but obviously it makes it difficult for him to maintain contact.<br><br>Family members have changed, coworkers and colleagues have changed. Everybody, you included, and everything changes after wls. Just when you think you are getting used to post-op life, something else comes up to challenge, and sometimes question, you. I find that every day. My therapist told me to expect this behavior from others, but I never thought it would happen to me. It makes you question whether the person who now avoids you was ever sincere in their feelings for you, and perhaps they weren't the person they made themself out to be. However rational, that still doesn't take away the hurt.<Br><Br>Negativity of others greatly affects me and my weight loss progress, especially at 14 months post-op when eating is much easier. I can't let the actions of other affect me detrimentally, so I am struggling to overcome it right now. I wish you the best, and hope that all is not lost with your friend.
   — [Deactivated Member]

May 30, 2001
With some of my family, yes. I am finally not the "largest one" although when I was, all was OK... Now I hear things like- I'm fatter than you (it hurts us both when you say that) or your shape is better even though you still weigh more (that's not really a compliment is it?). First off, why was it OK when I was bigger? I don't understand that... I don't look at them and think, "whew! I am skinnier than you"... actually I think "whew! I am finally not the biggest person in our entire family- including the MEN"!! My friends that are larger than I are still so cool to me, it is actually the thinner family/friends that I get wierd vibes from... I am not in any competition with them- if I am, I hope they're sweating that I'll win. Not sure WHAT I am winning but if it make then lose sleep, so be it. They weren't concerned with me when I was big. I was just the big person with a great personality, now, I am a person with a great personality. Now that I am not "fat", I have more credibility???? Am I a force to be reckoned with??? My opinion means something??? People may find me attractive??? Funny??? Witty?? It's all so weird- because I thought I was all those things before surgery.... sad that no one else close to me thought that way too. My size has changed, and that's about it.
   — Karen R.

May 30, 2001
HI! I am still pre-op but I can see changes already!! My dearest friend has become so obviously distant! She never asks about the surgery or any appointments I may have. The only thing she said was " I cant have you getting skinnier than me!".. She is a little overweight, certainly not WLS material! At first I laughed and then I realized how much truth there was to her statement! She really doesnt want me to have a better life! I am a single mom and she has a great husband whom I am close to also, but when I think about our relationship much of it revolves around food... "come over, we are ordering out".. or " I made ?? come over and eat with us". We really dont do much other than eat together and once I am no longer fun to eat with, I wonder what will our friendship become. I am trying to stay the same, and act like I usually do. I love her dearly and I hope our friendship will last even though my size decreases! Good luck to you!
   — Terri B.

June 1, 2001
This "friend" you lost sounds more like a co-dependent to me. If you can't even call her place, then it seems like you haven't lost much. It seems that she can't handle it because your acting and thinking independently. Like Destiny's Child says, "Ladies, it ain't easy being independent.
   — Peter S.

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