Question:
Why am I the most unlucky one when it comes to spouse support for this surgery?
Everytime I read someone's profile it seems they have the most incredible, supportive husband alive. You guys are so lucky! My husband doesn't seem that thrilled about my having WLS. Actually, he has a "I don't care" attitude. He thinks people can lose weight just by backing up from the table. I really wish I had someone to give me the support I so desparately need at a critical time like this. — Miss G. (posted on May 31, 2001)
May 30, 2001
Miss G., my husband was not supportive either. In fact, when he saw all of
his begging and pleading with me not to have it done were having no effect
he even threatened to divorce me! (We had only been married 2 months at the
time). He was good with me after surgery but when I developed a post-op
infection at 2 weeks out he went ballistic in the ER and even threw his
wedding ring at me and stalked out. Now, over a year later he is happy
with my weightloss. I basically ignored his tantrums and manipulations and
did what I knew to be best for me. I had plenty of other people who were
supportive of me and I turned to them as well as online support groups. Do
what is best for you, seek your support elsewhere. Your husband will
probably come around later on. His I don't care attitude may be fear (of
leaving him or you not making it through the surgery or whatever). If you
have open honest communication with him, maybe try to probe a little and
find out if he is afraid and then do what you can to alleviate his fears,
either by assuring him of your love for him, that you are doing this for
health reasons and not to find a better man, print literature on the
surgery, show him before and after pics. If none of this works, then do
what in you heart you know is right for you and hope and pray he comes
along later on. Hope this helps!
— Kellye C.
May 30, 2001
Miss G. When I started researching WLS my hubby didn't take me very
seriously. When he realized it was something I was going to do he was
afraid something would happen during surgery. He has never been a
particularly "emotional" man, so his feelings could have been
percieved as a nonchalant, I don't care attitude. He has always loved me no
matter what, and ended up being wonderful before and after surgery. He went
to my consultation, pre op, and we traveled 6 hrs every time. He stayed the
whole week with me during and after surgery. I hope your hubby will come
around. Is he just afraid of something he doesn't know much about? I
brought copies of a lot of things I read to help educate my husband on what
would be happening, and that seemed to help put him at ease quite a bit. I
think he is still a little insecure about what will happen when all the
weight comes off. He thinks I might become some wild party animal and leave
him! Maybe that could be what yours is afraid of?? As for the "pushing
away from the table" way to lose weight......Sure, that's always a
temporary solution, but what happens when you go to that Sunday afternoon
barbeque? Maybe you eat a hamburger and gain 5 lbs, and then get so
depressed you blow it for the next week? Then you have gained 10 lbs, and
they just keep piling on!! I'm sure we have all yo yo dieted and
experienced this. See if you can show him some of the cases from this
site.... Hopefully he'll come around. Good Luck.
— Kim B.
May 31, 2001
Not everyone has a supportive partner, or family or even friends. I am
alone as far as actual people around me. All my support comes from what I
read on this site, from e mail and from within. My struggle currently is
getting any money set aside so I can travel for the surgery. My guy is
finding ways to prioritize our monies so that nothing is left for my trip.
Sabatoge. He agrues with the food purchases, the food cooked,(sabotaging
diet) finding exersize time, you name it. (And yes he is MO too. Swears he
doesn't care one iota.) But despite all this and his refusal to educate
himself or read anything I have printed about WLS (What he calls my current
obsession that will pass) it really doesn't matter what he thinks. It would
be easier and more comforting if he was different, but he is not. He may
change after surgery, he may not. Bottom line is that it is MY LIFE and MY
BODY. I wish I didn't have the additional obstacles of no support from him,
but I can overcome them. As long as we remember that what we are doing is
for a best life and that the people around us can join us in that life or
not. You have support here. Take care of yourself and then you can be there
to take care of others another day. (((hugs)))
— Danine N.
May 31, 2001
My husband was not very supportive of my decision at first. I think he was
in denial at first. I was almost 400 lbs and I told him that I was fat and
that I needed help to lose the weight and we would argue whether I was fat
or not. He told me that I wasn't fat that I was just being self concious.
Well, one day I sat him down and went into graphic detail about what I
couldn't do because of my size. I told him about trouble wiping, putting on
my shoes, walking to check the mail, picking up and bathing our children,
finding clothes that fit, inserting a tampon (sorry for being graphic),
bending over, sitting in a movie theatre seat, sitting in seats at the Drs
office, and being on top during sex. He was so shocked at how dramatically
my life was affected, he never knew what I was going through. He used to
think that I didn't want to go anywhere with him, thats why I wouldn't go
to the movies or the mall. He was so upset that for 4 years I didn't tell
him why I refused to do those things. Now he understands and is supporting.
I hope I didn't offend anyone by being so graphic, I had to be with
him...thats what worked!
— [Anonymous]
June 2, 2001
My husband is not incredibly supportive either. I am doing this for me so
I'm not sure I even care, though sometimes my eyes tear up when I read
about someone's fantastic hubby and I wonder why I don't even think that I
deserve to be treated like that. Oh, self-esteem issues! Anyway, I think my
husband is not wild about the surgery for three reasons: 1. I think
subconsciously he's afraid that I will die during or after surgery and
leave him to care for our 17 month old. 2. He thinks that spouses have a
duty to each other to keep their bodies and minds healthy, and he feels
that I have failed in my responsibility. 3. He thinks I could lose weight
if I "ate less and exercised more". Been there, done that 12
times in 15 years, and have gained 305 lbs in the process (with 170 lost).
I get support here and have started a WLS support group here in my area. I
started a Yahoo group (check it out:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/EastsideWLS-Support) and in three days, we
have 19 members from a potential audience of 54 people that I gathered
here. Look at the "Find a Peer" section from your state. I bet
there's a lot of folks there. Don't be shy! We're having our first support
group meeting on June 19 in a public library's community room and the
response is already very good. My surgeon is putting a flyer about the
meeting into the packet for their in-service session on June 11, so I know
we'll have a good turnout. Anyway, it's all what you make it. If you want
to surround yourself with supportive people, hunt around a little on this
site and you will make some new friends. Don't settle for less!! {{hugs}}
— Julia Z.
January 4, 2002
I KNOW HOW U FEEL BUT LIKE THE OTHERS HAVE STATED, MY HUSBANDS SUPPORT
GOES BACK AND FORTH. HE FEELS THAT I AM NOT TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY AND THIS
IS AN EASY WAY OUT. HE DOES NOT HAVE A CLUE. HE IS WORRIED THAT I WON'T
SURVEY THE SURGERY, AND I THINK HE IS ALSO WORRIED THAT I MIGHT LEAVE HIM
WHEN IT IS SAID AND DONE. WELL I HAVE FAITH THAT THE LORD WILL BRING ME
THROUGH, I ALSO TOLD HIM THAT THE REWARDS OF ME BEING SMALLER WILL BE OUT
OF THIS WORLD. HE PLANS ON BEING THERE WHEN I HAVE SURGERY, BUT I STILL
HEAR COMMENTS FROM HIM TOO. I JUST GOT APPROVED FOR SURGERY SO I SHOULD BE
SCHEDULING AS SOON AS I GET THE LETTER FROM THE INSURANCE COMPANY. GOOD
LUCK TO U, I DO UNDERSTAND. ROBBIN G.
— Robbin G.
January 4, 2002
The one think I found helpful in dealing with my husband and my family was
that I told them I would be making this decision myself and that I was
thoroughly evaluating the possible consequences. I asked them for support
not in making the decision but in helping me thru it. I wanted them to not
feel responsible in anyway for whatever was ahead for me. They all voiced
concerns over what could happen to me, but nobody every said don't do it.
Open communication is absolutely the best thing. Encourage your hubby to
vent his feelings too, you guys want to get thru this together.
— Pam K.
January 4, 2002
You are not alone. My husband's response when I told him I was going to
have the surgery was "old Arnold, (an overweight co-worker of his)
said the VA doctor keeps telling him if he doesn't get rid of that excess
weight he will die." That was his version of agreeing to the surgery.
<P>
He did support me by being there before during and after the surgery and by
visiting while I was in the hospital. Since I started losing weight
however, he has not made even one comment about it! My surgery was over 3
months ago, I've lost about 50 pounds. <P> Let's go one step
further. I have yet to hear a single positive comment from any family
member. My daughter's only real comment about the surgery was when I was
telling her about the psychologist appt. He asked if I had family support.
She said "did you tell him I'm jealous since I don't qualify for
it?" and then laughed (she's about 85 pounds overweight). This is not
a daughter I see occasionally. She is divorced with two children. Not
only do they live in the same town, we eat dinner together almost every
night and spend a couple of hours together discussing events of the day.
The grandkids are 11 and 13 - neither of them have noticed either.....and
I've dropped at least two clothing sizes.<P> My son, who is a truck
driver, is home about 3 nights a week. No comments from him. <P>
Last, but not least, is my mother-in-law. We get along extremely well - to
the extent that her daughter and a couple of grand-daughters are jealous of
how close we are. She also lives in the same town and I stayed with her
after the surgery for a couple of days. I see her at least once a week.
She hasn't noticed either. <P> Fortunately I've had wonderful
support at work and here on this web site. If I couldn't come to this web
site nightly, I would be completely nuts! <P> Please remember that
you did this for your health and that your family loves you just as mine
loves me. They just don't realize how sensitive overweight people are or
how much support we need. Tell your husband that one of the after-effects
of this surgery is depression and you need his help to get through it
(gently, in a non-threatening manner). Men need to feel needed and women
need to feel loved. I think you'll find that once you let him know you
need his support, you'll get it. Mine does a dozen things a day for me, he
just does say much......and I'm too stubborn to tell him that I need to
hear it. Shame on me. <P> Hang in there. You have lots of support
from folks on this web site. You just want to add the support of one VIP
in your life.
— [Anonymous]
February 11, 2002
You are NOT alone with this problem. My husband keeps telling me he loves
me the way I am...and why do I want to do this? He asked me if the
operation was permanent...and also suggested we diet together and start to
exercise more. Well we have tried that before and one of always falls of
the wagon...taking the other one with them. Now he is not as overweight as
I am. He is 6'4"....when I met him he was 199lbs....after a double
hernia surgery 2 years ago he shot up to 265....because he can't lift his
weights and work out like he did before. (but, he still eats the same way
as he did when he was more exercise conscious...so he gained weight) We
both have an enormous appetite...and I know if I don't do this now for
myself...I will remain obese, be unhappy the rest of my life...and probably
die at a younger age due to some medical reason bought on by my weight. I
do not let his "not so excited" reaction to my surgery get me
down. I know I have to do this for me. That's why I turned to these pages
for support from people who understand what I am feeling and going through.
Only a true "FAT" person understands what it's like to live this
life. "Genetically" skinny people have no idea what it is like
to walk a mile in our shoes...and who am I kidding with our shoes they
wouldn't make it around the corner!! LOL....so I am doing this for no one
else but ME. You keep your chin up and keep coming to this site for
support!
— Jeanine S.
June 20, 2002
My husband has been very supportive not because of the weight loss surgery
but because it's a means for me to feel better. One thing I have noticed,
though, is that he's very quiet about his feelings about the entire surgery
because I think he's afraid something will happen during the surgery. But
men, being men, he has a hard time vocalizing that sentiment. That's why I
make sure I do my best to calm his fears even though he can't express it.
Maybe the "I Don't Care" attitude is a hidden fear that your
hubby can't express effectively? Don't know but it's a thought.
— Cathy S.
June 21, 2002
i too had no support from my husband for a long time. just bcause he was
so worried about complications and he loves me to much to lose me. i just
stayed determined and would continually show him stories from this site and
spotlighthealth he is still worried and being a thin person he too
believes that a person could lose weight on their own if they truly wanted
to. my surgery is july 22 and now that im really keyed up hes getting kind
of excited of possibly getting his thin wife back. hang in there bcause
more people than u know have less than supportive spouses and families.
just do for u what u have to do it will all work out if he truly loves u.
good luck with ur surgery and weight loss
— amanda W.
June 25, 2002
You're definatly not alone in this.My husbands first response to the
surgery was......" I knew you were half crazy,but now you have really
lost your mind"......I sopose that was his fear talking.I just said
ok,and just went on to research as much as I could.I would leave info
laying out purposely,cuz I knew that he'd be nosey enough to
peek......lol.Gradually he started asking me questions and seemed more
supportive,he knew I had my mind made up anyway.
Now I just can't wait to get a date.Give him time,I'm sure that he really
cares and is just scared of the complications,as most spouses are.I also
think that the drastic changes in our lives is a threat to them in some
ways,so this is how they react.We need to do what is best for ourselves to
get healthy,no one else is going to do it for us :) Take care and good
luck,we are all in this together.......
— kim M.
August 22, 2002
My husband is not the supportive type either. Told him if he wasn't nice to
me during this...I'd NEVER forgive him, & I meant it.
— Ann M.
December 8, 2002
I am not married, but I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and
he doesn't support my decision to have WLS. He's just as big as me, and I
think that he knows that things will change between us when I do have this
surgery. My mind is already changing in sorts, because I notice now how
much he eats and how BIG he is and it makes me sick, only because I am
going to do something about it and he's just going to stay that way!
Anyone have any suggestions about how to tell him that I am having
surgery?? The last time I mentioned something was before I even went to my
first consultation and now I have had a Stress test, blood work, and have
my surgery date, and he just doesn't know!!! Let me know!! :)
— Tracy A.
December 9, 2002
My boyfriend (of 4 years) is very passive and doesn't get emotional over
<b><i>anything</i></b>. (That's what I get for
dating an engineering student lol.) I have to drag things out of him. I
can't just ask him what he thinks, I have to ask him directly if he's
concerned. I know he loves me the way I am and he doesn't understand why I
am doing this, he just knows that I think I have to. Being passive isn't
necessarily not caring. He's definately not thrilled with the idea of wls,
but he's willing to accept my decision. He's thin (6' and 150#) and can't
possibly understand what I go through day to day. Maybe people that have
"unsupportive" partners just need to sit down and ask them direct
questions and find out why the partner is scared. I think what it all
comes down to in these situations is fear of the unknown. I know it's hard
for him to vocalize things - that's just the way some people are. Also,
they may feel powerless. I know that's part of what my bf is thinking -
he's concerned, but he can't do anything about it so he's just not going to
worry. I have other friends I can go to when I need to vent and need
someone to give me some cheering along. I also spend hours on this site
and others talking to people that are similar to me and finding support
from people that have been there, done that, and bought the (smaller)
T-shirt.
— Toni C.
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