Question:
Breakup after WLS?... I was just wondering if anyone who met someone before wls....
had broken up because your boyfriend/girlfriend preferred you fat. The reason for my question is this, I have been thinking a lot lately that if I started dating someone who liked me large, would they still like me after surgery? I found a guy on a bbw site who is not necessarily gorgeous, but has a nice face. I am wondering if I should bother emailing him. If something were to happen and then I got my surgery, I am afraid he wouldn't want me anymore if I lost most of my weight. I know, that's probably stinkin' thinkin' right? You know how some men prefer thin women and when they get married, then their wives gain weight after childbirth? Then, he leaves her, because she got fat. I think that is horrible, but I am wondering if the reverse could happen. If a man is a "fat admirer," and prefers larger women, why would he want to stay with a woman is not a bbw anymore? BTW, none of these scenarios has happened to me yet. I just keep seeing all of these pre-ops like me who are married or have boyfriends and am wondering if they could find someone, why can't I? Men in my area DO NOT like fat women, at least not in every place I have been. I don't ever get asked out by men in my church and don't like bars or any other kind of places where a lot of people meet. Anyone can give me advice on these mulitple issues. — Diana M. (posted on August 10, 2001)
August 10, 2001
Diana, I am in the same position. I am scheduled to see a surgeon the 23rd
of this month, and my boyfriend is adamantly against it. He loves big
women, and cannot understand why I want this. I decided that if he loves me
as much as he says, well then he would certainly want me to live longer,
and be happier wouldn't he? So I am having surgery. If he truly loves me,
he will still be there for me later. If not, well then, I can find someone
that loves me for me, and not for what they want me to be.
— Gail A.
August 10, 2001
Whats the BBW site? I know that might be a silly question.. but hey I'd
like to see it.
— Dawn R.
August 10, 2001
Well, I'm two months post-op and I can already tell a difference in my
boyfriend. He has some excess weight himself (wants to lose about 50
pounds) but has thus far been unmotivated to work at it/exercise. At first
he starting making these "cute" comments about how I'm not going
to want him after I'm thinner. Over the last few weeks he's gotten very
depressed about himself and told me that he doesn't know if he's good
enough for me because he doesn't even love himself right now. He's really
pulling away. The funny thing is, I think he mentioned something about
this all before surgery, but I really just laughed it off. I didn't get
together with him for his looks to begin with! But I guess I should have
taken it more seriously. I'm hoping we can work things out. I just try
not to bug him so much anymore about getting out and starting his
"program". And I share my losses with him, but I don't try to
act like a WLS advocate. Well...that's my take on the situation. I guess
it's still a "work" in progress.
— [Anonymous]
August 10, 2001
For the one who asked, BBW can mean two things. Big breasted women or big,
beautiful women. Given where we are all at, I'll assume she meant big,
beautiful women.
— [Anonymous]
August 10, 2001
Yes, I meant big, beautiful, women. Although, I am kind of big-busted, ha
ha
— Diana M.
August 10, 2001
My boyfriend has also commented that I will leave him. I think that some
men prefer big women because they see them as safe or easy. I don't think
you should date men like that to begin with because there's an inherent
lack of respect in that attitude. However, I have certainly dated men like
that and I think that sometimes you don't even know that's why they're
interested until you lose enough weight for their insecurities to come
through. On the other hand, I've seen lots of women on this site who's men
want them to be happy and healthy and love them at any weight. If you want
to get to know this man, give it a shot. If he really likes you for more
than the most superficial reasons, he'll continue to like you after
surgery.
— kcanges
August 10, 2001
I'm havng my surgery in 2 days (yea!!) My husband also has some weight he
would like to loose. In preparation, I've been talking to him about
feelings he could possibly have when I start losing weight and how the
dynamics of our relationship will change, good and bad. Anyway, I'll stop
beating around the bush! I got a referral to a Counselor who I've gone to
see and is waiting in the "wings" so to speak if we need her. She
has agreed to see either one of us individually or the 2 of us together.
Hopefully this will provide enough support so WLS has minimal negative
effects on our marriage. Good Luck! Terry A.
— Terry A.
August 10, 2001
Well, I had my surgery last November. I will tell you what, my husband is
just devastated
with my weight loss. He loves larger women and just cannot handle the fact
that I am now just
'chunky' instead of fat. Also, lost A LOT of boob with the wieght loss.
This is probably causing
the biggest part of the problem. We might not make it. I cannot
understand why he would rather
look at a fat girl and not me. Hmmm.
— Michele H.
August 10, 2001
I weigh 65 pounds more than my husband. My surgery is scheduled for 8/14.
When I asked him what he thought about me being thin, he said, "you
look good now, but you will look better after the surgery". He's glad
I'm doing it for my health. Being a size 10 or 12 is just a perk to WLS.
— C K.
August 10, 2001
My boyfriend of 4 years dumped me 6 weeks after I had surgery. I was
absolutely devastated!!! Not to mention that he left me for his X -wife
who is bigger than I was to begin with. I can't tell if it was because of
surgery, and the fact that he loves bigger women (he always denied it) or
because she was his X and they have 3 kids together. Regardless, it has
taken me 7 months but I have finally learned to deal with it. I know now
that I am better off anyway. My Current love interest knows about my
surgery and doesn't seem to be bothered by it. As far as I see it, I have
lost 375 pounds. 126 of my own weight, and 250 of dead weight that really
wasn't good for me anyway. Follow ytour hear, and if he doesn't stick by
you, it wasn't worth it anyway. BELIEVE ME, the men will be crawling on
you (that was one of the major issues I had to deal with, all the extra
attention of men).. Good luck, and I hope honestly that you 2 make it!!
— enjo4
August 10, 2001
It's not always the weight loss or that the man prefers big women,
sometimes it's the fact your personality can change with wls. Or even the
things you want to do can change. I understand how you feel, the last few
years as my weight continued to climb, it was harder and harder for me to
find a boyfriend. Since my last boyfriend and I have broken up, I am not
even looking to get involved with anyone until I am several months post op.
I know that my dating possibilities will expand as I lose the weight.
— [Anonymous]
August 11, 2001
Hello, I felt the need to stop and share my story with you. First I want
to say be kind to your self.....
Sam and I got back together 11 years and I weight probably 220 than. He
said that he Loved me for me. (also we had dated back when I was 16 too
for almost 9 months but we were the wild and party time and I and he wanted
our cake and to eat it too) so we broke up had we stayed together than we
would have been together for 24-25 years by now...woow... But honestly he
was my first Love and soul mate. Anyways I continue to gain weight in our
steady 11 year relationship and got to the god awful weight 349 lbs and
could hardly walk, servre pain in hips, knees, ankles, out of breath, could
not do much of anything because I couldnt get up or down, had servre sleep
apnea, acid reflex at which I prayed to die some nights because the pain
was so bad that it actually woke me up at night. than because of my weight
I could hardly get out of bed. My snoring was like well let me say that at
least 4 nights out the week one of us slept on the couch or his daughters
bed, (we only have her everyother week. Anyways This man loved and he saw
the pain and hell i went thru daily. and once I got a complete physical
last June of 2000, and My doctor told me either I lose this weight or I
will be in a wheel chair soon or have a heart attach or stroke. Wow what a
wake up call. and Sam realized even though he LOVES me big he wanted me to
be ALIVE too and if I didnt go thru with this WLS that my chance of living
a normal life would be impossible. Now to date I had my surgery Jan
15,2001 and I have lost 110 lbs, feeling young and so much enery again. We
just currently got Married May 6th. Our Sex life is wonderful and he and I
are so happy. He still loves me even though I am shrinking but at least i
have been given the chance to live a normal life and I thank my GOD and
This wonderful site for all the support. I also thank Sam for LOVING me
for who I am no matter what size I may be. May God bless you and I hope
you find that special person for you too. Remember Dreams do come true for
those who believes
Jay ^J^ ^J^
— jay B.
October 25, 2001
— bbri550
October 25, 2001
I have wondered about the same thing. I have been with my boyfriend 8
years (since I was 15!) I've never been in another relationship so it
scares me that after surgery I will want to date around but then I think to
myself, "Why aren't men asking me out now?" They only look at my
body and never get to know the person inside. I don't think I would want
to be with someone like that - someone that won't give me a chance now.
Sometimes I wonder if the relationship I'm in will last after surgery.
He's never cheated on me but there was plenty of times I got stuck with all
the bills and he never helped me out. Since I told him about planning to
have surgery I think he's taken advantage of me. Of course, he does have
his good points too. I have no self esteem at all now and I know that I
will probably think I can do better than him if I lose weight.
— [Anonymous]
November 30, 2001
My boyfriend loves big women, too, and since I'm hoping to get a surgery
date sometime by the beginning of the year it's been a big concern for me.
I've actually almost broken up with him a few times because I thought that
I couldn't make him happy. I'm still worried about that, but he insists
that I do make him happy, and I'll make him happy after this surgery even
if I'm not big. I feel very blessed to have my boyfriend because he loves
me some much, and works so hard to make me happy, and make our relationship
work. He really is one of a kind. My heart is swelling with love while I
type this because it feels so good to know he loves me so much and will
love me no matter what. If a man really loves you he'll accept you and want
what's best for you, even if that means having to give up some of his most
wanted fantasies.
— Mary W.
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