Question:
Has anyone's spouse/partner lost interest in your new body?
My husband has always preferred "large and lovely ladies". Although he has been very supportive of my surgery, mostly because of health reasons (no more high blood pressure and diabetes), he isn't interested in me sexually anymore. Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this? Not sure what to do..... — glasband (posted on July 4, 2009)
July 4, 2009
Yes, unfortunately, I have heard of this quite often. There are just men
who love us big and soft and don't want us to change. My own step-father
saw me in a bikini one day when I was about 14 (and not really even
overweight, just "lush" and curvy, and definitely NOT boney)....
and he said to my Mom...."God, she's just MADE for
"comfort". I didn't have any idea what he meant until years
later, when I dated a person who was all bones and angles, and intimacy was
very uncomfortable because of it. I'm sorry your husband is not attracted
to you sexually any longer, but this is one of the hazards we face when we
make the choice to become healthy. Many of our friends, and even our loved
ones, will be threatened by our new self-confidence, joy, and beautiful
glow, and will either walk away from us, or cause us to walk away from
them. Kind of reminds me of the "Reason, Season, or Lifetime"
email that goes around occasionally. I'm sorry for your pain....
— Erica Alikchihoo
July 4, 2009
I feel really bad for you. What's sad is that in the wedding vows, he
promised to love you "in sickness and in health." In health, he
should love you more. I'm sorry that you are having problems especially now
that you are working on getting better physically.
— Kathleen W.
July 4, 2009
First I truly am also sorry you are going through this. I cannot tell you
that I am going through the same but I honestly was quite afraid of this
happening to my relationship also. My husband too loves his big voluptuous
ladies. I put my surgery on hold for a year because I was not secure in
that if in fact I went through the surgery my relationship was going to
decay. He continually made comments like "I hope you don't get too
thin, because I am going to have to find me another big woman".
Although he said it jokingly, it instilled a lot of fear within me. There
were many things happening last year that also contributed to my
insecurity. This time around he is being extremely supportive and pushing
me to get this done. I guess he has seen how difficult my life is due to
my obesity and how unhappy I truly have been. It took me a year to finally
feel secure about the whole thing, but occasionally I honestly do get
worried. It is a life changing event that we are going to experience or
are experiencing. My advice to you is to talk about it. Many times our
husbands are experiencing their own fears and communication is key. Once I
communicated how important this was to me and how this was going to improve
all our lives, because lets face it we are much more happy once we feel
good about ourselves and in turn we are nicer to those around us, at least
thats what I hear. I hope that you both can speak honestly and openly and
come to a mutual understanding.
— Marangelli O.
July 5, 2009
This reminds me of the quote, "I don't love her because she's
beautiful, she's beautiful because I love her."
If someone really loves you then I don't think that changes in your body
will really affect their level of attraction. Could there, maybe, be other
issues going on in your relationship?
Maybe, it's time for some couples counseling. Regardless, don't let ANYONE
every discourage you or hold you back from being the healthiest you that
you can be.
Good luck to you! God bless!
— PaulaJ
July 6, 2009
I think that many spouses/partners as well as friends are threatened by the
change or impending change. My ex-husband once said to me (at almost my
highest weight), "I know how terrific you are and my fear is that once
you open up to people and start talking, they will figure out how terrific
you are too and I may lose you." As long as I was fat and withdrawn,
he could keep me "caged" up and not worry about ever losing
me.... ugh!
— Libby R.
July 6, 2009
I am going through the same situation. My husband's ex-wife had RNY and
three years later they were divorced. My surgury was in February 2009 and
it looks like we may not make it too much longer. My husband has never been
supportive from day one. When I started talking about having VSG it was so
bad that I ended getting my date and did not tell him until 4 days before
before surgury. I was taking 13 pills a day and had knee surgery 2 years
ago because of my weight. If that man(or whatever he claims to be) thinks
that I am willing to sacrifice seeing my kids have kids because of his
insecurities then maybe I should give him a gift certificate to Match.Com.
It is very painful but sometimes you just have to put yourself first for a
change.
— WINDSTAR1726
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