Question:
How to cope with on-lookers who offer PITY
I'm still struggling with my exercise class. It's Low Impact Aerobics. I keep moving even though I can barely perform the moves with the rest of the class. Side steps/hops/skips still hurt the knees/hip. My left arm/shoulder is still very sore too. BUT, I DO my modifications and continue to move, march, walk to the beat of the music for a solid hour twice a week! Here's the concern: I really don't want anyone's pity. I really wish the others in the class would just leave me alone. I don't need/want special treatment/attention because I'm fat & can't keep-up with the group's steps. (I marching to my own style since I can't do their side steps or get on my knees.) I just don't know how to re-direct them into leaving me alone. I am perfectly content to work-out at my level, doing whatever I can. I make it through the hour long class, working up a sweat and getting the use of my muscles. Any suggestions on what I can do/say just short of pissing-off my nosey class mates? — rtmazyck (posted on December 13, 2007)
December 13, 2007
I don't think it is pity, I think these people care about you because you
are there. In time you will be able to keep up. Just do watch you can and
avoid eye contact. You'll get there!! Best Wishes and Merry
Christmas.........
— MCraig3
December 13, 2007
I'd suggest you find some classes that are more suited to other than the
general public. There are classes at the WMCA where I live, where they do
exercises in a pool. Another bariatric patient I know, is beginning an
exercise and nutrition center for bariatric patients only. The general
public has a difficult time understanding nutrition, and public exercise
forums aren't typically suited to the obese persons, even though they've
had surgery to resolve the problem.
— Dave Chambers
December 13, 2007
You know Dave, I've been considering that. And I'll look for the
class-type you suggested in this DC metro area. ALSO I know of a
exercise-WLS group in my neighboring state of Virginia!!! Although I live
in Maryland, I had surgery in Virginia. This Virginia hospital has the
exercise classes for WLS patients. I was told the price was VERY fair.
They even throw in a trainer for individualized attention. My past
reservation was the 2 hour commute (round trip). But, it's only a little
more gas. SO.., I think I'll join in January when this class is over. I
just want to exercise without special treatment, pity, or being singled
out. And these folks in my current class are not being kind, concerned,
helpful, or very nice. (The instructor is just fine.)
— rtmazyck
December 13, 2007
You could politely go up to them at the end of the class (or before, or
even announce this at the beginning before ya'll get started). I know
ya'll are jealous that I'm losing weight after having my gastric bypass
surgery, however, I don't want to get a big head with all the stares. I
want to stay grounded, so can ya'll keep the stares to yourself? Thanx!
(Say it all with a huge smile on your face) That should work...it's what
I'd do! LOL Hehehehe...good luck, God bless and welcome to the losing
side! Congrats on the weight loss as well!
— crystalsno
December 13, 2007
I like the line best that you said, "I'm marching to my own
style..." You've come a long way, and you're getting stronger
everyday...My personality is matter of fact, and some would say a bit too
blunt...but really, and I'm not sure what they're saying or doing to make
you feel like they're pitying you, but I'd be very matter of fact...It may
seem like I'm not doing well to you, but I'm getting stronger
everyday...I'm happy with where I am and how I'm doing...hell, tell them
you left another class b/c they were offering pity instead of encouragement
and support--they may or may not get the clue...I prefer the direct
approach...But you could just be general in saying you don't want or need
pity...
I'm not sure any of that helps, but I know you're doing a wonderful job and
really moving right along on your own march...keep it up...
— Michelle M.
December 14, 2007
Robin, people can't help but say something. Some people want to be left
alone, others want to be cheered on. We can't read each others thoughts,
so it just happens. I am sort of like you, "leave me alone, I am
fine", but there are many more who want to be cheered on. You might
not think you are being cheered on, but those that are talking to you are
just tring to show kindness in their own way (whether or not they are
successful is another story). Do exactly what you are doing, keep moving
and keep going. This emotional struggle is not unusual for the
obese/recovering obese person. I remember a lot of anger and even close to
hatred for those who "just had to" say something or be nosy about
my weight loss, when they didn't care a beanfull when I was just obese,
they just ignored me. It was a pride issue for me and an anger issue for
me. By God's grace I worked through it, but I don't think what you are
going through is abnormal. Just keep up the good work, and if you don't
want to talk to them, just find a kind way to say "thank you, but I am
doing just fine. I'm improving every week and thank you for your concern
and encouragement". Then walk away. We don't have to be mean, but we
do have to set boundaries. As you set them and stand by them kindly,
others will respect your wishes. Take care, Patricia P.
— Patricia P
December 14, 2007
Here's a thought - have you tried aqua aerobics or swimming? that's easier
on your joints. Swimming is my activity of choice and I really love it.
Just my $0.02's worth!
— [Deactivated Member]
December 14, 2007
Before my surgery, when i was 240# overweight, i tried exercising at the
exercise center in town. Some stared, but most were supportive, saying at
least i was "trying" to do something about myself. made a few
friends too. And i say this to you now, At least you are trying to do
'something" for yourself. Be happy with your own results and keep at
it.
— shalmar
December 14, 2007
My mother gave me the best advice I've ever gotten. She always said,
"Kill em with kindness." It never fails. Pat
— pjennjr
December 17, 2007
I just want to say congratulations to you!!! It takes a lot of courage to
do that, to deal with people being stupid like that... aside from the
psychological discomfort (which I don't mean to minimize at all), it sounds
like you are kicking ass.
I try to ignore people... and when people stare, I've found that catching
their eye and smiling usually embarrasses them enough that they stop.
If people are making comments to you during class, perhaps you could say
something like, "I'm trying to stay focused" or "can you
give me a little space?" or "I'm really working right now, talk
to me me after class." If they are wanting to comment on your
exercise technique, hopefully the urge will be over once the class is
over.
If you feel comfortable, the instructor might be a good person to talk to
for some feedback. Maybe the instructor can make some general comments
along the lines of work at your own pace, if you can't do the moves, just
keep moving, etc. so that if she is offering "advice" to the
class in general, your classmates won't feel the need to butt in.
I am wondering if people are trying to encourage or support you but it's
coming out as pity/special treatment/unwanted attention. If you think this
is the case, maybe you could acknowledge their advice/attention/whatever,
say that you appreciate their care/concern but that you'd really rather
work out on your own without a lot of advice.
Keep up the good work!!!
— mrsidknee
Click Here to Return