Question:
Part 2, what happens when family is not supportive?
First I have to say thanks to everyone who has responded to my question, it has overwhelmed me and I know I am not alone in this struggle. Now, here is a second part to my previous question.... I followed the advice of many to find out why my hubby feels the way he does... My husband is not giving up in trying to get me NOT to have the surgery and I think his feelings are now turning from frustration to anger because I am not giving in and January 12th is quickly approaching. I am really trying to remain calm and not start any fights. I came right out again and told him I am doing this...he keeps saying he doesn't understand why I am voluntarily doing this to myself (all he sees is BAD BAD BAD). He sees me reading all my info, and books, I do this, so I know that I am going into this surgery fully informed and prepared for now and after. He keeps saying if I put in as much effort in reading and learning about doing it the NORMAL way, without surgery, I would succeed also. He just doesn't get it. I asked him if he would read my books and information, even though he doesn't approve, just so he knows the facts and what to expect afterwards, because I am his wife and this is going to happen. He says he doesn't need to, he knows what is going to happen. He says he read the chapter (in Weight Loss Surgery for Dummies) about how to succeed after surgergy and said of course the book is going to promote success because that is what the book is all about. Then continued to ask why I couldn't focus my energies on the successes of people who lost weight the conventional way. He just doesn't see that I have been doing that for 10 years, I know EVERYTHING there is to know about weight loss and how to do it properly, it is just implementing the course that is very difficult. (jusy so it is clear, he did come with me to my consult and he did talk to the surgeon and will be taking me to the hospital) I told him I knew what he was thinking, that if he did read the info, to him it would be like accepting and supporting the surgery, which he cannot do. How right I was. How well do I know him. I reinforced to him that even though he is making this hell for me now, I still loved him and wasn't angry, (even though I took every ounce in me not to blow up in his face). I told him that no matter what, I still and will love him no matter how he treats me now and after. He rolled over and said he still loved me, even though I was putting him through hell. I asked him why I was putting him through hell, and he said because he KNOWS I could do this without the surgery. Last week he even tried to make a comprimise with me, telling me to do the Weight Watchers for a year, giving it everything I had, and if after a year I still wasn't satisfied, he would support me in the surgery 120%. I immediately asked him why he couldn't support me like that now, and he said because he knows I can do this without surgery. In my mind I went BANANNAS! So according to him it sounds like I have not given it my all any time I have tried to lose weight in the past, and that is why I have failed over and over and over again. It hurt. Also, I was thinking, what was a year gonna do, postpone the inevitalbe, and how can I believe he is going to do a 180 and all of a sudden support me. I found this as being a last ditch attempt to get me to stop this process. A lame attempt at that. I know I am making him sound like a real jerk, and maybe he is in this case, but over all he is an awesome husband and I keep praying that he will come around no matter how long it takes. But I realize now that I can get support in other places and I am confident I will do it. I do realize I am finally going to do something for me! I guess this is just another speedbump in the road we call life! Sometimes I wonder if he realizes how strong of a person I really am? Thanks for letting me vent! — skneminnee (posted on December 19, 2008)
December 19, 2008
Hi RNY July 16, 101 pounds gone, You are a very strong Woman I am proud of
you. You stand for many of us woman on OH. My husband was never against my
surgery even though he is not supportive either, I know he is starting to
come around now. Keep on doing what you are doing I would never trade my
surgery for nothing. A true blessing I am living at this time. You are in
my prayers Tammi
— Tammi Sandoval
December 19, 2008
Hi RNY July 16, 101 pounds gone, You are a very strong Woman I am proud of
you. You stand for many of us woman on OH. My husband was never against my
surgery even though he is not supportive either, I know he is starting to
come around now. Keep on doing what you are doing I would never trade my
surgery for nothing. A true blessing I am living at this time. You are in
my prayers Tammi
— Tammi Sandoval
December 19, 2008
I am so sorry your husband is not being supportive. Just think, you are on
the road to being a "hot mama" and no longer the "fat
mama". You will feel so good about yourself and looking so good your
husband will be apologizing to you for being such a jerk. Good luck to
you! This will be the best decision you have ever made!! I am 5 years
post op.
— Carlyn M.
December 19, 2008
Carolann,
It sounds to me like he's scared. Scared because its the unknown and maybe
he's afraid that if you get skinny and even more attractive, you won't want
him anymore. He may not be able to admit that, but it could be what is
bothering him. My advice, though, is to PLEASE go through with it. You
deserve it and you won't be able to do it on your own. If you do, you
won't be able to keep it off. I'm not saying that as a personal attack,
I'm saying it because I've been there. I tried everything in the world and
stuck to it fine for weeks, months even, but I'd gain it all back. I think
once he sees that you survived, you feel better and you have more energy,
he'll come around. If not, make sure you have plenty of support elsewhere.
If nothing else, we're here for you!!! If you ever want to just email me
personally I'm at [email protected] I'll be your support if nothing
else!!!
Good luck!!!!
Dena
— [Deactivated Member]
December 19, 2008
You should DRAG HIS BUTT to a support group. I attended support groups
prior to surgery, to get as well informed from the patients as possible.
Your husband needs to be fully aware of issues after surgery--even if
everything goes OK. He needs to know your dietary needs, supplement needs,
signs of dumping, etc. By all means, attend support meetings--if only by
yourself. Hopefully you'll find others there who can counsul you on issues
that may arise. If he doens't support you now, I wouldn't depend on him
being a majoy support system after surgey. Try to figure out a "plan
B" to help you. DAVE
— Dave Chambers
December 19, 2008
Oh my Dear, I too have been were you are right now. I am a 32 yr old,
always been overweight since 5 years old and finally decided I was going to
take this step and have the band. I did on 8/22/08 and I have never been
happier. I lost 48 lbs so far with about 45 more to go. My husband was
dead set against the surgery. I spent the whole month of may crying, he
refused to come to the consult, told me if I did it he wouldn't even take
me to the hospital let alone support me in my decision. Well, here I am -
4 months post op and he is still here. He married me fat, has all
overweight women in his family, always dated heavier women - so I assumed
he just preferred me "BIG" - but finally once I had the consult
and he saw me going to my appointments and me not even asking him to come,
he slowly started accepting it and we finally had a LONG talk and he gave
me his blessings. All it came down to was he is afraid I will loose the
weight and leave him for another man or that i'd die on the table. I
didn't die and honestly... i am more attracted to him now. Your husband
may just be scared. I think he is being a jerk but he probably has his own
insecurities and fears about this.
my best advice would be to do you and have the surgery and pray he comes
around. If not- it may be a sign that he's not the right one for you. He
should want you to be healthy!!! You deserve it... but give him time- this
is alot to digest... Time heals all. Remember that. Good luck on your
journey... i promise you will not regret it!
— munchiesmama
December 19, 2008
Im sorry you twoa re having such trouble over this still.
The part about weight watchers isnt a bad idea. Give it some thought. Maybe
compromise at 6 months. But before you do ask him how you would be
successful after weight watchers. You also have to think of the long term
of this surgery and the possibility you can put the weight back on later. I
totally understand if you are done with all the other options. Im 3 months
out and almost 60lbs lighter. I wish it was more but Im happy with my
results. Im 5'6" and weighed 252 lbs. Not hugely morbidly obese. Do
what right in your heart. Just try to take the emotions out. Try not to but
heads and maybe tell him how sorrry you are that you dont agree and its
causing him stress but that you need to do this for your health and your
families future. Im post more often on SparkPeople and one of our team
mates died last week at 35 yrs of age. Its a great place for additional
support.
Goodluck Paula (urbrat2)
— urbrat2
December 19, 2008
I have found many people are jealous, apprehensive, scared about this
surgery. I have to train friends how to act with me. Life makes many
insecurities and this is one area. Be sure to re-enforce your resolve to
have the surgery and to make your self healthier and able to enjoy the
marriage for many years longer. I had my mother against my surgery and had
to explain and re-explain the benefits now. My husband has been a doll.
Best wishes and stay strong.
— PSparks000
December 19, 2008
ALL IN ALL I THINK HE IS SCARED THAT HE MIGHT LOOSE YOU IN THE LONG RUN
BECAUSE MY HUSBAND WAS THE SAME BUT AFTER I DID IT HE WAS MORE CALM THAN
BEFORE HE TOLD ME HE WAS AFRAID TO LOOSE BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO LOOK BETTER
AND ALL THE MEN WERE GOING TO LOOK AT ME.. I TOLD HIM I WAS DOING TO DO IT
FOR MY HEALTH WISE NOT TO LOOK BETTER, I ALSO TOLD HIM I LOVE HIM AND THAT
NOTHING WAS GOING TO COME BETWEEN US AND PRAYER ALSO WORK'S BEACAUSE GOD
WORK'S IN MYSTERIOUS WAY'S SO LEAVE IT IN GOD'S HAND AND YOU WILL SEE THAT
CHANGE IN HIM LIKE I DID....GOOD LUCK IN THIS JOURNEY I KNOW WE DON'T NEED
IT BUT SOMETIME'S WE NEED TO ENCOURAGE EACH OTHER SO I'M HEAR IF YOU NEED
ANYTHING....YOUR FRIEND PAULINE.....HUG'S AND LOVE.....
— 2409w.poplar_rodriguez
December 19, 2008
If you're like most of us...losing the weight isn't the problem...KEEPING
it off is where the problem comes in...so IF you do Weight Watcher's for a
year...lose a "truckload" of weight and then start to gain it
back again as we (unfortunately) all seem to do...do ya think he'd finally
be convinced that WLS is THE only real answer for you ??
You're a very strong lady and I wish you all the very best !! Take Care
and Good Luck !!
— debz_58
December 19, 2008
Fear of the unknown is a very powerful thing. You do what you need to do
for you and hopefully he will come around. You'll just have to deal with
him on a day to day basis, he needs to know that you are being patient with
him right now, but if he is not supportive in the long run, that is a deal
breaker. Have the surgery, go to support groups, get strong and healthy
both mentally and physically either with or without his blessing.
Best of luck to you,
Dawn Vickers, RN, BLC, CLC
— DawnVic
December 19, 2008
Carolann,
I think you are stronger than even you realize. You have to be strong to
continue on your journey even though your husband is not supporting you. I
agree with the other posts that say he is insecure. He is most likely
afarid that you only want to look better to get rid of him. Reassure him
that you love him and only him and that you are doing this to prolong your
life with HIM! You want to grow old with him, right? Like Dave says,
"how many fat old people do you see in nursing homes?". The
answer is NONE! You need to be healthy for you wether he supports you or
not. You know I am here for you always!! Prayers & Hugs, Billie
— Billie R.
December 19, 2008
I agree with many of the other posts. My X always complained about my
weight and said I didn't try hard enough to lose because losing was easy
for him. Funny thing is he left me for a skinny woman who he immediately
made fat because of the way he wants to eat!!! I really think he wants his
wife fat so he won't have competition (and also he has something to
complain to her about herself!) After all how many men really want a
overweight woman...at least per the media?? MALE INSECURITY!!!
FEAR!!! Now he may also be really afraid something will happen to you,
afterall there can be complications and even death. Some people are
deathly afraid of operations and the hospital and can just only see the bad
side of things like this. In that case all you can do is reassure him that
you feel confident in your surgeon and then be patient with him.
I now am one month out from my RNY and down 30# and happy as a lark. I
can't wait to be slimmer but mostly healthier. I don't expect miracles at
my age and with my other health problems (MS) compounding how well my body
will lose weight.
Reassure him that 1. Your going to love him even when you get slimmer 2.
You are doing this to be healthier so you can be with him a long long time
not just to look better (does he really realize just how many health
hazards we face being obese?) 3. By becoming slimmer and healthier it will
allow you (both) to do many things that you've not been doing because you
havn't physically been able to do them. 4. If you have children,
grandchildren or for future children you want to set a good example for how
important it is to get and stay fit and healthy. Not to mention how much
more fun it will be to take care of and play with them. 5. Maybe by you
taking this step some of his other family members who are obese and sick
will see a glimmer of hope for their future too and you can be there for
them.
Good luck
— angelvh2
December 19, 2008
Hi Carolann. I am still pre-op too, I see the surgeon again on 12/31. It
really sounds as if deep down your husband is scared. I have the opposite
problem, my husband is so much in favor of the surgery that he doesn't want
to listen to my concerns about the actual procedure. He just tells me
'nothing is going to happen, just do it'. My daughter doesn't want me to
have it done because she is afraid that something will happen. I think what
it boils down to is that we both are doing this for ourselves, to improve
our health and our lives and we have to go with our hearts on this one,
taking their thoughts into consideration but ultimately doing what we feel
is right. I am so scared that if I don't do something quickly I might have
a heart attack or a blood clot or some other weight related health problem.
You're in a tough position, but I think you're doing the right thing. When
your husband sees how much better you feel post-op and how much healthier
you are, I'm sure he'll come around. Thankfully we have a great place like
OH to come for support. I'd love to know how everything goes and will keep
you in my prayers. Have a Happy Holiday!
— jeannefitz
December 19, 2008
I have nothing against Weight Watchers and think, nutritionally, it is a
sound program. But seriously, how many women do you see joining and
dropping out, joining and dropping out, year after year after year? How
many ppl have lost weight the "normal" way and are still
maintaining that weight loss 5 years later? 20%? 10%? 5%? 2%? I can
guarantee you that it is NOT the majority of ppl who are
"dieting". That is why the dieting industry is such a cash cow;
they prey upon our desparation. WLS is the ONLY option to this date that
has a success rate that is the majority of participants. (Sure, some WLS
ppl do regain their weight; obesity is an addiction just like drugs and
some ppl just can't beat it...sorry but this is true...) You ultimately
have to do what is going to work for YOU. Obviously you already have a
diet history or you wouldn't have qualified for the surgery, so I don't
know why he would want you to delay for another 12 months after you already
went through the crap to get everything set up. You would pretty much have
to start all over! AND in this day and age...what if the insurance carrier
in your family lost their job and then you couldn't have it at all? Just
things to think about... whatever path you choose the family here at OH
will support you 120% now AND later!!! Best Wishes and Merry Christmas!
— MAG
December 19, 2008
— kathryn_ann
December 20, 2008
I see from the number and length of the responses that you've hit a
sympathetic/empathetic nerve here. We ALL have someone in our past who
thinks we're big losers because we can't be a Weight Watchers success
story. Here's a book I recommend to ALL of them, your DH included:
"Rethinking Thin" by Gina Kolata. It isn't about weight loss
surgery AT ALL. It's about the "diet industry." It's about how it
got started and about the research that's been done and it's about how DAMN
NEAR IMPOSSIBLE IT IS to lose weight permanently like that. If you can get
him to read the book, then great. If he won't, you read it anyway. It's the
one book that completely convinced me that I had NO OTHER OPTION than to go
through with the surgery. IF he won't read the book, maybe it's time you
did get angry with him. He is not walking in your shoes, so he has no
clue. And he is INSULTING YOU with his continued insistence that he knows
what's best for you better than you do! He can either trust you or not. He
needs a boot in his stubborn butt!
Please PM me if you want to talk some more!
Tina
— Tina G.
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