Question:
I have recently started dating again, after 15 years. My 16 yr old daughter
dropped a bombshell this am. She let me know that she doesn't want me to get hurt, but I think a little of her is jealous. It has been the 2 of us for 15 yrs. I had lap rny 5/5/03 and am within 30 lbs of goal. The weight loss and all that brings has been an adjustment for her. I guess the thought of Mom dating is another adjustment. I just needed to vent a little and see if anybody else has been in a similar situation. Thanks!! — Wendy S. (posted on December 10, 2003)
December 9, 2003
Wendy, first of all congratulations on your weight loss and taking control
of your life. I had surgery the day after you, so we are at pretty much
the same spot in our journey. Anyway, I was a single mother for 8 years
prior to getting married in 2001. It was a real adjustment for my son when
I got engaged and he knew that there was going to be another person getting
my attention. He was much younger than your daughter is and I am sure
there are much different issues, but you should probably have a heart to
heart with her and explain your feelings. She may be afraid of someone
hurting you, but that is part of life and relationships. You do get hurt
sometimes, but you move on and hopefully find that special someone that you
want to build a life with. And that may not even be your goal, there is
nothing wrong with just going out and having a good time with someone,
whether it leads to anything more or not. You are a grown woman and you
deserve happiness and companionship just as much as anyone else. Ask your
daughter not to be afraid for you but to be happy for you that you are
finally in a place in your life where you want to date again. Good luck.
— Dawn P.
December 10, 2003
Hi there, I just wanted to respond to your question from a different angle
-- I was the kid who didn't want mom to date. Her saying she doesn't want
you to get hurt could very well be a mask for her not wanting you to date,
and you're very right about her being jealous. For me, it was me, my
sister and my mom for many years. My mom never dated and it was always the
3 of us. Then when I was 13 or so my mom was dating someone she had known
for many years, and I hated it. I didn't dislike him, per se, I just
didn't want him to take my mom from me, she was mine! I wasn't very nice
to him back then. They didn't get married which was good because he had
alcohol problems, but it was definitely a huge issue for me when they were
dating. I resented him trying to take up my mom's time and I was afraid
that things would change or we would become less important. As an adult
now I know that would never happen, but as a kid I didn't have the maturity
to think on that level. Sit down with your daughter and tell her she is
free to tell you anything she feels about it -- ask her if her real
feelings about it are that she's worried about her relationship with you,
not just about you "getting hurt". Reassure her that she is most
important and that no one could ever come between you, and that no matter
who else you love that it will never take up, replace, take away from or
alter your love for her. You will probably need to talk to her about it a
few times, because the reassurance on a steady basis will feel good and
help her to understand. Also, if you find yourself exclusive with one man
you may want to try to include her sometimes and have a "family
date" so it doesn't always seem like you're going out without her to
spend time with this person. Let her be a part of everyone getting to know
each other and she won't feel left out or excluded, and that way if you do
decide to get married someday she may feel like this person is already part
of the family. :)
— beeda
December 10, 2003
did you ask her why she thought you might get hurt? if she doesn't
"know" of a reason then i would ask her..."which is better
to be alone and never risk getting your feelings hurt or taking a chance at
finding a great love?"
— franbvan
December 10, 2003
Debra U, I think you may have hit the nail on the head (of course, easy for
us to analyze without knowing the situtation first hand, lol). Imagine how
anxiety-provoking it could be for the daughter to suddenly wonder if she's
going to lose her mother (and it can feel like that); she may not recognize
that, or understand her feelings - and so says she's afraid of her mom
getting hurt, when that's the only reason she can come up with to explain
how she feels. More likely, she's the one who is afraid of being hurt. I
think you are right on all counts that reassurance, love, "special
girl time" with Mom, and inclusion in the things Mom does with her SO
are highly important for dealing with that anxiety. If that is what's going
on. Or maybe the kid is right - and she IS just afraid Mom will get hurt...
— johanniter
December 10, 2003
I am the mother of two sons, ages 17 and 5 years. My youngest son recently
informed me that he wanted his "big mama" back. I had explained
to him prior to my surgery, what would be happening to me as time passed,
but at that young age it's hard to fully comprehend my appearance changing
since he's only known me as a "big mama". Last night, he looked
at me out of the blue, and said, "mama, your face looks so different
now, why?". I explained that as I lost weight, my face would get
smaller, too. He recently lost his father, which is a whole other set of
circumstances to deal with on top of this. He's afraid that he is losing
me too, because I'm getting smaller. I don't think that I look
"sick", but in his eyes, I just might.
Now my teenage son, well, he's a different story altogether. He's not said
one word to me regarding my weight loss/appearance. Why, I don't know. At
this point in his life, he's totally into himself anyway, that's how
teenagers are. I'm sure that he's seeing the physical change.
My mom was quizzing my youngest son the other day about "his mama
getting married again". Well, let me tell you, he quickly blurted out
"NO". He most definently doesn't me to even consider finding a
man. I'm not really interested myself much right now. I know that I need
to get my self physically and emotionally stable prior to even considering
the possibility of dating again.
I was married twice, once briefly (6 months) after my oldest son was born;
then married my youngest son's father which only lasted a few months, also.
Therefore, both of my son's don't know what it is to have a
"father-figure" in their lives. It's primarily been them and me,
so I most assuredly understand your predicament.
Keep in touch if you like,
Linda
— lighthousekeeper
December 10, 2003
Hi there, Wendy! My niece was the same way. I've raised her since she was
2, she's 16 now, so I'm like her Mom. It was her and I after my late
husband died and when I married my current husband , she was so jealous,
she began doing awful things to him, thinking it would put a wedge between
us, it hasn't. Then I had my WLS and I actually began thinking about
putting myself first rather than them two and she hated it! I haven't had
any symptoms of depression since a month after my WLS and she hated that
too! She actually told me she wished I was the same way again as I was
before surgery! I couldn't believe it, I was miserable and deeply
depressed, but she said, she knew how I was going to act everyday and now,
I am unpredictable, happier and so much more actively involved in
everything that goes on, which my husband and the rest of my family love. I
wish I could offer an answer but I don't completely understand it myself, I
just wanted to let you know that I understand what you're going through.
Vi. open RNY 9/23/02 down 151 lbs.
— Vi F.
December 11, 2003
Hi! Congrats on your new life! It is so funny, I was just having that same
discussion about my son being jealous of my new boyfriend. I must admit I
do feel a little guilty about having a new life sometimes. I guess I never
really lived for me before. It was all about my kids and providing for
them. However, we have got to let our kids know that we have a life outside
of them. We have to let them know that no one else is more important than
them, however just like they have friends at school, we have friends and
need friends too.
— madmar
December 11, 2003
Congratulations on being a "LOSER" - From the child's view I
understand esp. since I was an only child - I can say if you are going to
date - do just that "date" until you get to know the person he
should NOT be a part of your household, and this could take (should take) a
while - 6 mos or (I suggest longer) - then if you feel like one of your
dates is a "potential" long-term mate - slowly intergrate this
person into your children's lives - i.e, a movie (outside the home) if you
become intimate - it should not be obvious to the children. Of course after
you have known this person for a good while - it won't seem so threatening
to the children. It's more than jealousy - it's fear, anxiety - if you
don't bring this person into their lives "too much" and it does
not work out - only you will be disappointed not them.
— Anna M.
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