Question:
how can I get my boyfriend to understand ?
Can anyone help me. I am 22 and I am planning on having wls. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. but he is very against me having surgery. he says it is dangerous and won't listen to me whan I try to explain the benifts of it he thinks I am just doing it to lose weight. and doesn't thinks my health problems are related to my weight. is there anything I can do ? — amy H. (posted on November 3, 2003)
November 3, 2003
My husband feels that I can just push away from the table and exercise, but
my gp Dr (who is his also) told him ..do you want her around for awhile? If
she stays heavy and keeps adding to her list of Diabetes, High blood
pressure, apnea, high cholestral, ..she wont be! Also my friend and her
husband think that he feels safe when I am heavy..that maybe if I am thin I
wont stay with him..reassure him...
— Linda R.
November 3, 2003
Amy,
I'm sure your boyfriend loves you very much. First, I would ask you if you
think he doesn't want you to loose the weight b/c maybe he fears losing
you, or b/c he REALLY is afraid that it is too dangerous. Once you
honestly have your answer, you can decide how to respond. If it is the
first one, you will have relationship problems afterwards. That is my
guess. If it is the latter then sit him down, tell him you love him very
much and share with him your deepest darkest moments of being obese. We
typically don't share these stories with others, heck we rarely even admit
the pain to ourselves. Tell him how it makes you feel emotionally, and how
in bondage you feel being in your body. Write down a list of all the
things that have hurt you or held you back in your life b/c of your weight,
and then read each one to him. My list is 2 pages long. Trust me, he will
have a better picture when you read this to him. He may even see your pain
as you read it, and that is okay. Then educate him. Take him to a few
support groups, buy Barbara Thompson's book (internet) and have him read
the section in the back particularly written for family members who are
leary or scared. That is a wonderful book and very easy reading and it
also educates you in laymens terms the risks and the surgery. Have him
write down any questions he has and let your doctor answer them and put his
mind at ease.
If he is still against it, tell him that you respect his feelings, but that
you are doing it anyways. That you need for him to keep all negative
comments to himself and support you the best way he can. Then lean on
loved ones who support your decision to get you through it. I have not met
ONE person who has said they regret the decision to do it, even if they had
complications. That is a very strong statement from A LOT of people who
have no reason to lie.
Good Luck and God Bless you on your journey.
4 months out, down 68 lbs.
— Michele B.
November 3, 2003
do not go through this process w/o him knowing the whole story. I did and
regret it. My boyfriend hated the idea, saw how commited I was to doing it
and just went with the flow. In the hospital, when i was getting changed
to leave, he saw my incisions (five total) and about had a cow. Come to
find out he thought their would be only one. And that was the straw that
broke the camels back for him... he is still angry that I did it 11 weeks
later. Guess I didnt give him complete info about the whole surgery. Nor
did I completely explain all my reasons why. So he also thinks it was just
about looking better. Although he is coming around, it really strained our
relationship. One reaction he had was that I could have also done this all
on my own. Pass off the table, eat small portions, like I am doing now,
exercise, etc. I have been one of the lucky ones, no throwing up, no pain,
went back to work three days after my surgery. I pray it continues, but
with someone you love- complete honesty with this situation is the only
route.
— tia S.
November 3, 2003
I suspect your boyfriend may be worried that he'll lose you to someone else
if you lose weight and look better. This was my hubby's fear, too, and
that is just starting to come out now (I'm almost 2 mos post and down 40
pounds). He was afraid of the surgery and the risks, but not as much (I
believe) as he is afraid of not having me anymore. I guess all you can do
is educate him, ask for his support, and go from there. Don't let him stop
you if this is truly what you want. Life-changing decisions should never
be based on what is good for someone else, only what is good for you. If
you must do it alone, and it's what you truly want, so be it. Good luck to
you.
— Carlita
November 4, 2003
Amy,
I read your issue to my office mate. She wanted me to respond on her
behalf..."If your boyfriend doesn't accept that you want the surgery,
maybe you should re-examine your relationship (I'm stopping, she is trying
to be Politically Correct here) what she really said was, Then dump him and
find another hot guy when you are all hot and skinny, obviously he is
overweight and insecure and nothing makes a person more unattractive that
insecurity like THAT!
— Michele B.
November 4, 2003
As a married woman, please allow me to give you some advice. His behavior
now will never change. However, his attitude may. So, what you have to
decide is- what is the root cause of his behavior? Jealousy? Control
Issues? He WANTS you to say fat? Insecurity?
Once you figure this out, you have to decide if there can be something done
to change his attitude. I submit to you that if it is a control issue,
extreme insecurity or wanting you to stay a obese woman, there is nothing
you can do to change that attitude. If he is jealous or slightly insecure,
you can do much in your behavior and attitude to change his attitude. You
can talk to him about his 'feelings' (if he will) or you can asure him or
your love and fidelity. You can have him speak to your doctor also or go
to a support group meeting with you. Anyway- that's what I have learned in
my marriage. Behavior is hard if not impossible to change but attitudes
are easier to adjust! Good luck to you. If all else fails- you have to
choose what is best for you. If that leaves your boyfriend in the dust,
then so be it. You are blessed to have the opportunity NOW to do something
about your weight. Take the opportunity while it's there for you!
— LMCLILLY
November 6, 2003
My hubby had some fears etc before my surgery. Don't give up on your
boyfriend yet. Try talking things out and tell him you need him to at
least listen to you and hear you out and if he still disagrees then you can
discuss it. He probably doesn't want to listen because he knows you will
have valid points. If he won't listen, write all your feelings in a letter
and ask him to read it. If he absolutely will not budge or respond, then
do what YOU NEED TO DO for yourself -- only you know what that is --
whether it's leaving or having surgery without his support, or whatever.
Also, there is a book by Barbara Thompson (she also has a website, I'm
sorry but I don't remember the address off-hand but I think she has it
listed on her profile on this website) and in her book and on her website
there is a "letter to significant others" that is excellent. You
may want to print it out or buy the book and have your boyfriend read that
too. If he won't budge, then do what you need to do for yourself, don't
let anyone else dictate how you should handle this decision, it is yours
and yours alone. Tell him if he loves you he will at least respect you
enough to listen to what you have to say and discuss it with you. Like my
husband, his resistance is likely because he's either scared of losing you
to surgery or to another man once you're thin. My hubby had both of these
fears and we did ALOT of talking about it and I spent ALOT of time
reassuring him that I loved him and him only. Some people just said
"dump him, it's not worth it" but I don't feel that that is
always the answer. We've been together almost a decade and I love him very
much, I wasn't willing to just walk away and leave him over this. I put
myself in his shoes and I think I would have had the same fears that he
had. I spent a great deal of time discussing his feelings about my
surgery, after all, they go through it with us. Now he is the most
supportive person and he comments on my loss almost every day. Once I made
it through surgery and he saw I was still alive :) he was fine! I make
sure to let him know on a regular basis how much I love him and how glad I
am that OUR life has improved now that I have lost some weight. Don't give
up on your honey just yet. You didn't say how long he's known you plan to
have surgery, but these things sometimes take time. He's a man, they don't
always know how to express their feelings! Just my humble opinions! Feel
free to email me if you would like to talk more. Good luck -- I can say
for me that this is the best thing I've ever done for myself! Started at
346, and 3 mos post op down to 277. It's worth it!
— beeda
November 6, 2003
hi I just wanted to respond to some of the posts and say thanks for the
advice. It is very hard for me to go through this without his support. We
have been together for about 3 years and we have two kids together. I
honestly think that he is afraid that if i lose weight that I will try to
find someone else. Plus he has never had a problem with his weight his
whole life. he can eat all day long and never gain as much as an once. I
can stand that. I tryed to explain to him last night but he keep saying he
think it is dangerous and it didn't help that on the news we saw about the
women at B & W hospital. (we lived near boston) this is not going to be
easy to try to get him to support me. but thanks for the advice everyone
— amy H.
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