Question:
How do you deal with a jealous ex preop....
My ex and I haven't been together in a yr and a half. But we remain the best of friendsd. I do find him getting slightly jealous sometimes when he hears me talk about another guy or if another guy calls my house. Seeing I am too self conscious to go out to clubs and things now, I know once I start losing weight and getting my self confidence back, I will. This is the point where I think the jealousy will get out of hand. I cant cut him off altogether because he has helped me through the worst of times and I really value his friendship. How should I handle this? — Shavonne P. (posted on August 10, 2002)
August 10, 2002
Shavonne - I can relate to your feelings. I actually live with my
ex-husband. For the longest time I simply considered him my best friend,
because he has also done a lot for me after our divorce. But he caused me a
quite a bit of pain at one point in our brief 1-1/2 year marriage and it
took awhile for me to forgive him. Once I decided to have WLS, he really
showed me what he is capable of -- in a GOOD way. He has been my number one
supporter, confidant and friend - I love him more now that I did the day we
married. He went to pre-op education and support group meetings with me. He
drove me to my first post-op meeting 6 days after surgery. He has wracked
up a big bill on his credit card taking me to several "last
suppers" and then buying me my vitamins, medications, wound care
supplies - you name it. My point is, if you truly are only interested in
remaining friends with your ex, you have to let him know that. You have to
be honest with him, no matter how difficult it is. I will say this, you are
undergoing a life changing process in having WLS. Don't rush into dating
right away. Your emotions are going to be so raw and so topsy-turvy. If
your ex knows where he truly stands in your heart, then there shouldn't be
a big problem with jealousy. If you yourself are uncertain where he stands
in your heart, tell him just that. But choose your words carefully. Because
if he is a caring guy who can be a lifelong friend, you may also someday
realize he is worth another chance for romance. Good Luck to you. - Anna
LAP RNY 7/3/02 -45lbs.
— Anna L.
August 10, 2002
So what do you plan to do, never date again? You say that once you get
your self confidence back and you start going to clubs again, you think the
ex's jealousy will get out of hand. Do you plan to make him your boyfriend
again? If not, then you pretty much know what will happen. Think of what
friendship is all about. A true friend will be there to support you and
encourage you no matter what. A true friend is not jealous of you. You
need to get the relationship defined in both of your minds. Talk to him-if
he is a friend, he is going to support you while you lose weight AND while
you get back into the dating scene. If he can't handle that, then the best
thing you can do is to let him go now, even though he has helped you out in
the past. Don't ask for trouble. If he is harboring thoughts of getting
back with you and you are not, set him straight. You will have enough
going on with surgery and weight loss and hormones and moving on with your
life and need to surround yourself with positive and supportive friends and
family. Good luck.
— Cindy R.
August 10, 2002
Shavonne- Yes, you can cut him off if it does get out of hand. It's hard,
and it will hurt on the inside more than surgery does on the out. But if
you do have to go your seperate ways, understand that you were not the one
at fault. If you have told him that yes, you still love him as a friend,
but no, you're not in love with him, you have done your part. My best
friend in the entire world is my Ex of 4 years. It's been 2 years since the
split, and there were many times he almost had to let ME go, because of
jealousy. Finally, by the grace of God, I understood. I still have him in
my life for all I need him for, but there was a reason we split up. Forever
is just not a possiblity with this man. We both know that now, it just took
me a little longer to figure it out. One thing that helped me to realize
this was when we stopped seeing each other as much. He left the job we'd
both been at for 2 years, and is now working 2 jobs at odd hours. When I
hadn't seen him for 1.5 weeks, I realized... I missed him, but I wasn't
dying!! What a weight lifted! Maybe this is what your Ex needs. Try to
distance yourself from him, without leaving him. Show him that you already
have your own life, and he can either be a part of it as your friend, or
not at all. I know it sounds harsh, but you really do need to be looking
out for #1. You. Good luck and best wishes.
— MommaBird
August 10, 2002
Hi, well the bottom line is that he is your EX. Not a boyfriend. He may
be a great friend, but to what extent? Jealousy can be an ugly thing that
can get worse if not nipped in the bud. You may not want to cut him off,
and you may not have to, but if his jealousy is somewhat bad now, you have
to consider the situation now and after your thin, and ask yourself do you
really want this to get worse, and could you handle it if it did? If not,
then sit down, talk with him, maybe he doesn't realize what he's doing. But
if it continues, then you may have no choice then to let him go. Friends
support not enable. I wish the best for you.
— Carey N.
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