Question:
How do I reassure my wife???
I've been thinking about WLS for several years, started looking into it seriously in the last 6 months. I have a consult with my HMO's gatekeeper next week to see if I qualify for it. Ever since I got the appointment my wife has been totally negative. She's told me I don't qualify, that I will just cheat and "nibble" my way back to my old weight, that I'll be sick and miserable for the rest of my life. She's dragged up every horror story she's ever heard (and she works in a hospital, so she's hears a lot of them!) about WLS and the bad side effects. Says all I need to do is follow her old diet - "no white foods" - and I'll lose all the weight and keep it off. I love her dearly, but she's convinced herself that I will be one of the "lucky" 1% who die from this surgery and is totally against it. Any ideas on how to deal with this aside from divorce? — Bill J. (posted on January 2, 2003)
January 2, 2003
Hi Bill, I'm sorry your going through this. I to had a spouse that was less
than approving of this surgery. I have to say that after 8 months he is
very please and happy with the results. Do you have a support group you go
to? I took my husband there and he heard the good the bad and the ugly
along with all the success that people in my area went through. Remember
this is your body. Maybe she is worried that if you loose all the weight
you won't be around. That was my husbands thoughts. I wish you all the luck
and hang in there. HUGS Sarah
— sarah C.
January 2, 2003
Ho ho, Jen my wife a RN thought I bonkers when I first brought it up. She
is now a post op herself, down over 100 pounds. Anyway what you need to do
is for BOTH of you to attend some support group meetings. Meeting, talking
and have dinner with a successful post op should do it. You can also get a
book like this
one<P>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1891231758/qid=1039629379/sr=8-3/ref=sr_8_3/103-3189628-7015065?v=glance&s=books&n=507846<P>
Its written by a member here Barb Thompson. If your wife is MO its a bit
more difficult. She may feel your pressuring her to have surgery too. My
best advice is go ahead and do whayts best for YOU, she will come around.
— bob-haller
January 2, 2003
Ho ho, Jen my wife a RN thought I bonkers when I first brought it up. She
is now a post op herself, down over 100 pounds. Anyway what you need to do
is for BOTH of you to attend some support group meetings. Meeting, talking
and have dinner with a successful post op should do it. You can also get a
book like this
one<P>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1891231758/qid=1039629379/sr=8-3/ref=sr_8_3/103-3189628-7015065?v=glance&s=books&n=507846<P>
Its written by a member here Barb Thompson. If your wife is MO its a bit
more difficult. She may feel your pressuring her to have surgery too. My
best advice is go ahead and do whayts best for YOU, she will come around.
— bob-haller
January 2, 2003
This may sound harsh, but you need to think about who you are doing the
surgery for. I had to tell my mother and my husband "This surgery is
not for YOU or about YOU. This surgery is for ME and about ME. Support me
or don't, but I will do this." Once I made this statement, at least
their non-support went away. My mother is very supportive now, my husband
is an ex-husband now. Good Luck to you.
— Cara F.
January 2, 2003
Your surgeon/HMO will answer the "whether you qualify part". As
to nibbling your way back to being fat, it can happen. You can eat your
way back up the scale, but it would take consistent grazing. The surgery
is great for getting off the initial weight, but once it is off, most of us
do have to watch it to maintain the loss - the good part is the small
stomach allows you to eat less, but small and frequent amounts of high
calorie foods and drinks will add the pounds back if your not careful. As
to being sick and miserable for the rest of your life, well, what are you
now? Are you healthy now? In good physical condition? Able to move
around without pain and keep up with the kids and your wife? For most of
us, we were sick and miserable pre-op not post-op. I have a sister who is
a nurse, and unfortunately they do see the bad so it is natural for them to
be more concerned. Tell your wife that you want to be around for her for a
long time but that if you keep up your weight gain, there is less chance of
it. Ask her about all the fat heart attack guys she sees....
— Cindy R.
January 2, 2003
Bill, Cara is right and you should say EXACTLY that to her. You will just
have to block out what your wife is saying. She is obviously NOT educated
about this surgery. Nurse or not. Bottom line is that its YOUR body and
your right to do with it as you see fit. Have you asked her what she is
truly afraid of? Of you dying? Leaving her when you are thin? Her own
weight (if she is overweight herself)? You might want to also ask her why
she would want you to die a slow death by remaining obese and not be
thinner, healthier and happy? My DH was scared for me but supportive,
thankfully. He is now reaping the rewards and so will your wife.
— Kris T.
January 2, 2003
Tell her there are horror stories for every surgery. Have her go to the
doctor with you. Tell her to have all her questions and concerns ready
for the doctor and his staff. Make her a part of everything. My husband
and I did everything together when I was going for my appointments. He
wanted to share in the experience with me. I think hospital people are the
worse people to convince. Be strong and don't waiver. If you believe it's
right for you, then do it.
— dolphins94
January 2, 2003
Bill, I suspect two things are going on with her. One, she is probally
scared you might die. (You may if you don't have the surgery!) and she may
also be afraid you will find someone else if you lose weight. I don't want
to be harsh, but you must do whatever is best for your body. As far as
diets, I tried most all there was. Diets don't work.
— Danmark
January 2, 2003
I know you have many answers to this posting. My daughter had this surgery
in November, 2001 and both my wife and I were scared. Daughter was 26 at
the time and after awhile it worked so well that we believed in it. Having
suffered my whole life and been on every diet known to man, I decided last
summer that I was going to do the same. I went to the surgeon with my
daughter and then told my wife what I planned. She was totally scared but
totally supportive. Now I am 12 weeks out and down 63 lbs. We are all
happy. If there is any other information you would like to know, please
feel free to email me at [email protected]. Good luck to you. And, divorce
should not be an option. You will be fine.
— Steve B.
January 2, 2003
Wow, I could have written the EXACT same post a year ago...all but the wife
being a nurse part. My wife thought I was taking the EASY way out. SHe had
been on me for years to lose, but always said I needed to eat better and
exercise more and it would just come off...JOKE!!! If you get a chance,
read my profile. I talk quite a bit about how my wife dealt with my WLS.
If you can get her to read it, even better! Feel free to email me if you
have any questions.
— Robby E.
January 3, 2003
your wife sounds like an unsupportive witch. sounds to me like she is
jealous that you might actually lose all your excess weight and look good.
i gotta tell you, my family was not supportive either, but i did it
regardless - i did it for ME, and not for THEM, and you have to do the same
thing. tell your wife to lighten up because she's ticking me off!!
— [Deactivated Member]
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