Question:
What do you do when you loose a huge bond that you and your spouce had??
I am pre-opp (300lbs) and determined to have this surgery to save my life and help my daughter (9 yrs old-120 lbs) avoid the obesity road that I took. I am terrified, my husband is very large as well (425lbs)and we use food as a bonding tool in our marriage. He is dead set not to get any type of surgical help. Will our marriage fall apart once I can't eat anymore and he can't be as active as I will be?? I need some guidance from somebody who's been there please. I'm afraid I'll save my life but then be miserable because I will loose my best freind in the process. I'd rather die younger and happy than old and lonely. — shannabailey (posted on July 9, 2005)
July 9, 2005
Hello, wow, there is no way we can predict the future of course. I really
feel that communication is the key. You two need to sit down together and
share all the positive things that will happen once you lose weight. Do you
have his support? THAT is extremely important. IF he will support you on
your journey to good health, that is half the battle. Maybe through your
success, he will come around. But now until.. communicate, communicate,
communicate. HUUGZZZ
Paula
— shoutjoy
July 9, 2005
As stated above... you two need to discuss this matter. If he is in denial
about losing weight, maybe he could get some kind of therapy. As far as
you, you may not have a chance to die later without this surgery. I was 260
lbs when my PCP told me to lose the weight or I would die. I have no
regrets at all. I had no support from my famiy and I have made it! You need
to do some soul searching for yourself. How can someone be happy and obese.
You would be the first that I know of that would have those feelings. I got
tired of feeling pain every day of my life before my RNY Surgery. Sad that
I let me self get this big but I found the only way out was with this
surgery. Good luck to you and your better half and hope you make the right
decisions healthwise.
— LindaKM
July 9, 2005
Sadly its a hazard. Most spouses come along reluctantly after watching
their mate lose the weight and doing great!Mostly women go first. In our
case I had surgery first and my wife agreed after watching me:) Honestly do
whats best for you and your daughter, deciding to not get surgery might
result in both you and your hubbys premature death, leaving your daughter
without either parent.... Your post op cooking and eating healthier should
rub off at least a little helping your hubby. Just WHY is your hubby anti
surgery? Has he personally met and had dinner with someone 100 pounds down?
Barb Thompsons book has a chapter for the SO, which might be of use to you.
— bob-haller
July 9, 2005
Hi, I can't respond about a spouse thing, Mine is only about 200lbs, But I
can tell You that when I started this journey A friend of mine came to me
and we where talking about the surgery and she says Hey Ya wanna do it
together? So I said Yes I do. I got online and looked up tons of info and
got prepared for surgery and she backed out. She turned way antisurgery
told me stuff like Why do you wanna get sliced and diced etc.... Now that I
am down 114 pounds she has changed her view again. She said she sees me
sitting with my knees up against my chest, jumping arround and not running
out of breath. She wants it again and is determined to get it and I am
trying to help her this time. She said that it scared her all the deaths
that she read about she said even one was to much, but now she sees how
happy I am and my children and she wants to be here too. Maybe Your husband
will be the same way. Best Wishes Shell
— Shell G
July 9, 2005
I have a friend who had bypass surgery his wife was dead set against it but
after he had lost his weight and was doing great she had her surgery.
— charanewme
July 9, 2005
i was 308lbs and i had a newborn and a 2/1/2yo. I went for a hernia repair
and my surgon sugested barriatic surgery. i said dont you think that was a
little drastic?? he told me "not seeing you beautiful girls graduate
high school is drastic" well after that i reasearched this and yes, my
husband did the i love you just the way you are crap..well i didnt love
me..and my daughters do deserve to have a mother. i had the lapband 11
months ago and im almost in the century club. my husband was gaining what i
was losing.i wouldnt finish what was on my plate and he would. he wanted
the chinese buffet and i can no logner(better yet, chose not to) beacuse
watching people gorge themselves makes me ill. my husband included.i now
realize how out of control or eating and portion sizes were. i take my
girls for a walk in a double stroller..and he choseing to stay home. i cook
much better , yet he still sneaks food and over indulges whenever he can.my
best friend was food and i had to morn the lose of it.my husband has
diabeties, sleep apens, eplipsy elevated b/p and liver emzymes. hes a
freaking mess, yet the decision for surgery has to be his.I wish you all
the best..it is a very bumpy road when your own heath and well being isnt
your primary concern. All the Best! Tracey
— traceybubbles
July 10, 2005
Hi there, I do not have exactly the same situation as you however, I was
243lbs in 1996 when I started and did have a husband that was 6' 3"
and 160lbs. After lossing 115lbs and mantaining it I did unfortunetly
divorce and moved on. My comfort was food and whenever he said or did
anything I disliked I would eat and never realized that was the cause.
Today 10 years later my daughter is 13yrs old and thanks me often for
having the surgery and teaching her the proper way to eat healthy. Even
though she can eat more than me or we share a dinner at a restaurant I
would not change a thing. You can live without the weight, your husband,
illness, but you can not live without your children and they certainly can
not grow up without you because a illness took you away. I had absolutely
no family support, everyone was against the surgery. I do not regret it at
all and everytime my 5'5" 120lbs daughter says thank you mom I know
how to eat and will always be thin, I am more grateful I did it. Do your
self a favor and do it for yourself and children if your husband loves you
he will learn to live with it and most likely follow your decision once he
sees how happy you are and your results. Also, I prepared everything ahead
of time so when I got home and had no help at all I had my food prepared in
ice cube trays, a recliner to sit it on so on. Good luck in whatever
decision you make. One more thing, its a lot of fun sharing clothes with my
daughter.
— shana1569
July 10, 2005
I had the same problem with my husband until we sat down and talked about
why he really didn't want me to have the surgery. He was afraid of losing
me..Men seem to think that overweight women have a hard time finding
another man, all though that has never been a problem for me, I think not
all men are alike. Some perfer larger women. Anyhow, my hubby was sure as
soon as I lost the weight I would be leaving him for another man. That
hasnt happened YET lol. I'm still here, 88 lbs lighter, only 22 pounds from
my goal and other than problems that we had before surgery was even
discussed we are doing just fine. Talk to your spouse and see what his
worry really is...make him realize you are not going anywhere,unless you
dont lose weight, because then you could have major health problems that
could cause you to be gone forever.
Good luck;
Hugs;
Charlene
267-182-160
— [Deactivated Member]
July 10, 2005
Im in a situation that is somewhat like this. I had the surgery and lost
105 pounds and my husband left me . I was so hurt but now Im over it and I
have moved on. I dont know why he didnt it then but he did.
— smoran4
July 11, 2005
Dear Shanna:
You've already gotten some great feedback here. Jim & I have been
married sincer 1969; but we've also survived 2 separations - one before we
had kids, for 21 months! The other in 1989 for 6 months (I left to do an
internship in another state so our sons, 12 & 9 at the time, didn't
suspect anything). Our situation is not like yours in so far as Jim fights
gaining weight by running, so he's rarely more than 20 lbs. heavier than
his 6'1" frame needs to be. But, I do know that when someone loves
you, they want what's best for you. Is your husband currently showing
anger, sarcasm, ridicule, fearfulness, depression at you for choosing
surgery? Is he willing to meet with a couples psychotherapist so the two of
you can learn how to express your love and concerns for one another in a
loving and life-affirming way?
It's not just about him OR you: as parents, you are modeling for your
daughter how adults love themselves and their spouse.
What do you suppose your daughter is learning from watching you and your
husband's behavior around food and intimacy?
You are to be congratulated on showing her that you are worth saving!
Resist showing her your fear of the possibility of ending a relationship
that is killing you already. Your condition is called MORBID obesity for a
reason: it IS life-threatening!
One of the lovely things that has happened in our marriage since I had my
surgery: Jim & I spend more time at the dinner table - just talking to
one another! As I've become a slow eater, he now finishes his meal before
me and sits back and we talk. It helps me to remain a slow eater, too, as
I'll put down my fork between bites as we converse.
Another positive thing, though I have never made any requests that he in
any way restrict his food choices in front of me, he's chosen to adopt some
of my food choices and is very happy at how he feels and the weight he's
lost with hardly any effort.
Your husband may watch you and decide to try out some of your new habits
& food choices on his own. You never know.
He sounds like a very unhappy persons to bury himself in that much fat.
That's not authentic love or happiness, dear one. Choosing to be entombed
in flesh along with him is not true love or real happiness; and what's that
teaching your daughter?
We're all here for you, Shanna! "I set before you this day life and
death; choose life!" as God says in the Good Book.
Lovingly,
Lauralyn
Lap RNY 2/13/03 @ 5'9"+: 280lbs./ 146lbs. 3X/8
— EmbodySuccess
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