Question:
Now that you've lost weight, how do you deal with unwanted advances/attention?

I hesitate to ask this, as I've read that our questions are bandied all over the Internet but I haven't found an answer to this specific question. How do you deal with unwanted advances and/or attention? I vaguely remember weighing 125# over 30 years ago and how frightening it was to be "hustled". I realize that I've been hiding behind my weight to avoid addressing this fear. I've been married, perhaps just for security. I realize now that I can't tell the difference between lust and love (whatever that is). I'd appreciate the POV of everyone who replies. Thank you.    — [Anonymous] (posted on February 8, 2001)

February 9, 2001
I was recently in a bar and asked to dance by a couple of men. Although I did dance with them, that was as far as it was going to go, so I found the best way to deal with them was to limit eye contact and look bored - and it worked. Now, could somebody please post a question on WANTED attention, and how to approach someone you're picking vibes up from? :)
   — Allie B.

February 13, 2001
People look the other way or ignore you when you're obese, yet you have a fear of being "not ignored" if you lose the weight. Consider the corollary, suppose you lose the weight and -you- want to smile coyly or flirt. <Women flirt; men "hit on".>
   — blank first name B.

March 3, 2001
Prior to WLS and prior to the extent of obesity that I attained, I always was on the shy side. However when I was my highest weight---just prior to WLS I was in what I call that 'Happy Fat Mama' state. Deep down I was miserable with myself, but to others I was very accepting of my weight...making myself the 'Butt' of jokes etc. Maybe because I was already married and already accepting that this was as far as it was going to go. My husband was on medications that made his sex drive very, very, low....so I could blame the meds on that and dealt with that already. But DEEP DOWN I did hurt and I knew, or thought I knew better. However after WLS, and after the initial 80 lbs., I find the attention level increasing---but I am truly amused by it all. My husband jokes that I will become my new svelte self and leave him. But you know what??? I don't want any attention I couldn't get before. If people are only paying attention to me because I lost the weight, then the reason they didn't pay attention to me before was because I had the weight....and that sucks!!! I am still the same person emerging from the layers as I was before when I was buried under all the fat...I do get uncomfortable when people make constant referrals to my loss....possibly because I didn't tell many people at all and I don't want my secret out--but thats another story!!!!
   — Carole C.

March 3, 2001
I was so confused I even refused the advances of my own husband who has loved me unconditionally for years! As I learn WHO I am and learn to explore my femininity (which was nonexistant as a fat person), I am learning to accept and enjoy my looks and the remarks (as well as physical touches) I get from people who previously wouldn't give me the time of day. At first, I was very angry over the attention. Then, I realized these people were always their prehistoric selves (and by the way, WOMEN can be just as bad as men- there are women who treat me differently also!)- I just wasn't on the receiving end of their advances before. I have decided to enjoy the compliments and take them at face value- I remember who I could trust before and who I can now and I respond accordingly. I guess, I am ashamed to say, I take those shallow, conceited people, as seriously as they took me when I was fat. Don't worry- as you learn about yourself, you will honor yourself and be fine!
   — M B.

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