Question:
My mother is not happy at all!

Tonight I had my first time talking to my mother about the surgery. I sure wish I didn't tell her and my brother. She had not one nice word about it. She wanted to have it done 40 years ago but her doctor talked her out of it. I can't try to explain because she doesn't want to hear it. She has broken my heart because if anyone should know how I feel she should. Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!    — Janet P. (posted on April 17, 2001)

April 16, 2001
I know exactly how you feel! My surgery is next month and my mother is not very supportive -- then again, my mother weighs about 130 lbs! You are going to run into people that just don't understand and that is to be expected -- its just unfortunate that sometimes it is our families -- This is a personal decision that you have to make for YOU! I love my mother dearly, and I respect her feelings -- but I don't want her to raise my children! Listen to your mother's concerns and try to understand that she is probably very uninformed about this surgery -- its not the same surgery they were doing 20+ years ago -- but try not to let it influence your decision to do whats right for you -- I know it is not easy -- but thats what I had to do too. Good Luck and God Bless!
   — Donna H.

April 16, 2001
Janet - I am one of the very fortunate ones who has support from everyone...I just wanted to send you a hug ((((((((((((Janet)))))))))))))) I know it is not the same...but all of us a AMOS are here for you!! Luv Karan
   — chance2lv

April 16, 2001
Janet, I too had this same problem at first with many of my family members including my mother. The way I solved it was I sat down and wrote each of them letters telling them they did not have to agree with my decision to have surgery or like it but that I was doing this for me and my health which took priority first in my life. I told them that I would like their support regardless of their feelings on the issue. All of them turned around. They don't all agree with me still and most don't like my decision, but I was upfront with my choices and they had no choice but to accept it. After all I am an adult. Hope this helps some. Remember this is your life your taking control of. Take care=)
   — jewelf1

April 17, 2001
Boy, do I know what you're going through! I was very excited when I decided to have my surgery and told my mom. She hit the roof! I asked het to not tell my other relatives that live near her, and she did it anyway. One of them actually called me and said she wanted to fly to my city and do a "3 day intervention" because I was obviously out of my mind. (By the way, she is a recovered herione addict and manic depressant!) So...as it is now....I have an incredible group of friends here where I live and they are behind me 100%. Without them, and this web site, I would be facing this by myself. One of the ladies is not a only a best friend, but a mother figure. I even call her Mom. She has been so loving and so supportive. she has admitted that she is worried, but she also knows that I did all the research and that I have a level head on my shoulders. I thank God every day for her. As for the family....well....we politely e-mail around the holidays and that's about it. I even offered to find a support group in my mother's area for her to attend, and she very coldly replied that she was not open to doing that. Best of luck to you......please know that there are others (like me) going through the same things that you are! Whenever you are feeling down, please e-mail me and we will chat!
   — Wendy H.

April 17, 2001
Sounds very familiar. When I told my mom about my decision to have the surgery, she cried for two weeks. Then she went into a deep state of denial, (which was better than the crying!) FINALLY, two weeks before my surgery, she accepted the fact that I was going through with it. She still wasn't happy, so I told her this: "I love you, so I will allow you to worry about me, BUT I will NOT allow negative thoughts around me right now. If you want to be a part of my life during this life changing event, you WILL not be negative. I will not expect you to be positive if that's not how you really feel, but keep your negative thoughts to yourself". My mom became my biggest supporter after that. She was there every step of the way, full of questions, suggestions (GOOD ones!), and little happy surprises when I got a little 'down' post-op. Maybe your mom is just scared for you. Major ELECTIVE surgery is a big thing to a mom. I know I was terrified of going under the knife with bad feelings between mom and me. I was lucky and resolved the issue before surgery..... I wish you the same good luck. Chin up and don't give up on her..... she's your mom.
   — Laurie L.

April 17, 2001
when I decided to have this surgery, and I told my mother, her response, and other's, was that if I "could just put my mind to the task of losing the weight" I wouldn't need the surgery. She has always been a small, thin, woman and doesnt understand the struggles we larger people experience. Unfortunately, you can't take back the words you have shared with your mom and brother, but you can take care of "you". The reasons I chose to have the surgery (mine was 06/06/2000)were for health. I did not let anyone sway my thinking. Was I nervous? sure. Was I worried that they were right? sure. But now I am so glad I made the decision to change my life. In a short amount of time I have lost 135 pounds, no more borderline diabetes, no more walking and being out of breath, no more aching joints, no more rude comments from strangers on the street. If you have come this far....you should go all the way...but do it for you. You have great support at this site.
   — twenc

April 17, 2001
When I told my mom about my decision to have surgery, she let my know quickly that she didn't want me to do it. I am 31 years old, and she actually tried to forbid me to do it!! I then told her in no uncertain terms that I would rather be dead than to continue living my life the way I had. When she realized the seriousness of my feelings and saw the amount of research and time I had put into my pursuit of WLS, she quickly became my number one supporter. Now she keeps everyone in town (literally) up to date with my weight loss. I can go into Wal-mart and people I don't know that know her ask me how I am. Just give your mom some time. With this surgery, people only remember the negative aspects of the procedure that used to be done. Her love for you is clouding her opinion right now. Go on with your plans and tell her how important this is. Nothing is as pure as a mother's love...she'll come around.
   — robin C.

May 12, 2001
when i told my mom she was scared for me but she was supportive. she ask me to try to diet one more time,she is a very thin person but she is beautiful on the outside and in, and i know she wants me to be thinner cause she wants me to be happy. what i did do was get on this site and show her the photos of others and she was amazed and i keep her posted on how other people who have had their surg recently are doing and i think that is easing her mind. however, i did tell my childhood friend (we've been friends since i was 12) im now 38 and she flipped out said i was crazy and wanted no part of it. (She is also overweight). i was so mad for telling her and i havent talked to her since (im not mad at her) but i just decided to sourround myself with positive people at this time because i think that is essential for our well being. Pray about then let it go my prayers are with you glenda berry
   — glenda B.

May 15, 2001
My mom and I do not talk to each other, however, she is aware that I am planning to have this surgery. Most of my parents' family members are obsese and I was the one to follow in their foot steps as compared to my sister who is very thin. I can definately relate to many of you people and that is what keeps me coming back to this site. The problem I have is with my close friends. You see, I am a nurse and the friends who are nurses all made a "contorted" face and said "You can keep up with your work, why would you go do that?" The truth is that I hide my "pain" so I can keep up with my work. One of the supervisor , who does the scheduling, in my department stated "Oh, you will be eating baby food for the rest of your life" and "don't you know that surgery is hard on someone who is heavy!" DUH!! But, the best one came from one who I thought was my dear friend (a social worker) stated all the risks for surgery, then asked "I hope you researched this out and that no one from the internet forced you into doing this." After all said and done she told me one of her best friends and cousin had this surgery several years ago and they are doing fine. What is wrong with this picture? So coming to the point, people will say many things, people will be upset, and I think they are afraid you will be a "different person" and that scares them. Your mother is just being a mom and will worry for you. Just keep an open mind from where she is coming from. But do what is "Best" for you.
   — issis

October 29, 2001
I haven't told my Mother that I am even considering it. I mentioned a possibility a long time ago, and she wasn't happy. It had more to do with her just worrying about the possible consequences of any surgery. She's an RN and just worrys about us when there is anything medical to be done. Mom's I think just worry for us, no matter what. Mine didn't like that I got a job at a ski resort 35 miles from my house, because I would have to drive in the snow. (Like I won't have to drive in the snow around my house???) Let her know you love her, and respect her opinion, but ask that she respect your decision as well, because you will need her love & support when it's over. Plus no matter what you will always be her daughter. Good luck!
   — Beverly M.

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