Question:
Before or after sugery did u feel like the grass maybe greener on the other side?
Hello! I have been reading over this board for some time now, and I haven't read up on much information on how this surgery may change relationships.. I am very concerned how I 'Personally' may feel after surgery, and considerable weight loss, and how my husband will feel about me as well.. To get to the point, I'm quite afraid of the 'New Me'.. How would I act, how would I feel about myself?!? When I was a few years younger and a few pounds lighter, and not to sound stuck up or anything, but I was quite attractive, and I have this constant fear of the unknown.. Once I start to become attractive again, and men start to notice me like they used to I'm so afraid that I will seek the attention of another man other than my husband for the attention, love and affection that my husband hasn't offered like I feel I deserve for the last few years or so.. Don't get me wrong I dearly love my husband, and I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt him or our family, but my needs have just not been met in the emotional department like I would hope it should be. My husband has alot of love to offer me, but just a "I love You" everyday doesn't cut it!! And I'm so scared that once I loose this weight I will also loose control and start searching for the emotional, romantic, love that I desire, and has been lost in my marriage for sometime now. Our lives are so much involved in work and trying to make a living we just don't have much time for kissy, lovey anymore... I have brought this to his attention in the past, and he would change for a week or so, and then it's back to the same O same O... I wish I didn't have these thoughts, but quite frankly I cannot shake these thoughts out of my head, and I'm wondering if theirs anyone out there with these same feelings or experiences? Or any suggestions would help as well... Thank you in advance for your time! — Sherri W. (posted on January 9, 2002)
January 8, 2002
Your behavior will manifest itself. I believe if you were having problems
before the surgery, there will be problems afterwards.The surgery can't
produce feelings,you will be responsible for your actions,THAT WILL JUST BE
AN EXCUSE. I kinda sound like you have been thinking about it for a
while,and just don't know how to go about.I have not had wls surgery as of
yet,but I know something about cheating,I did it.My husband is my best
friend also we share everything. He knew it before I told him.He was in NY
at the time and I was in Texas. I would fly there every month.I was hurt in
the end. I did it I was ashamed of my self. He never got upset.He never
asked who,what,when,where.He forgave me, I was so down on myself because of
my behavior. I promise you no one can whoop,beat,punish you , the way you
can do it to yourself when you kno your wrong. One's conscience is a mother
for you.
— [Anonymous]
January 8, 2002
The main reason to have the WLS is for you and your health. Alot of
relationships have slumps, but they do change. With jobs and
responsibilities, & everday stress alot of times "our" time
is the last thing that is considered. If your husband loves you and you
love him and you can see that what he is focusing on right now is also for
you (financial, etc). it helps to see it that way. You have to remember too
that there is a reason you chose not to be single, it is not the greenest
pasture either. :)
— Seana B.
January 8, 2002
If you think you deserve more from your marriage, you probably do, no
matter how "great" a guy your husband is. What you need may not
be another lover, but counseling, which can make a big difference. If
losing weight gives you enough self esteem to seek the help you need,
that's great, but I suggest you get it now. You deserve everything you
want. And you know what? You CAN get it. Fat or thin.
— Lily B.
January 9, 2002
You sound like you're having these feelings already. Surgery/Weight Loss
isn't going to change that. You need to take a GOOD LOOK at that 'greener
pasture'... I wish I had BEFORE I leapt over that fence - I found out that
without the nourishment of LOVE, that grass just turns brown and dies...
After 10 years of marriage, I was feeling the same as you.. a little 'left
out'.. the 'magic' wasn't there any more.. etc. etc... Fortunately, I
realized my mistake IMMEDIATELY. I was looking for "fireworks"..
while a slow, comfortable fire was burning at home. My loving husband was
crushed - and I felt 'lower than snail slime' for doing this to him..and my
family. After the initial shock..we sought counseling and joined a church.
We both recovered (although, I don't know if ALL of the guilt will EVER
leave me, even though I know God and my husband have forgiven me). That
was 5 years ago..and our love for each other has NEVER been stronger.
Through counseling, we've learned to compromise: I am content and
perfectly happy with the steady, constant, never-ending love my hubby and I
have for each other.. and he is more focused on what my needs are as a
woman - and willing to give more of himself and his affection. Like others
have said.. if there is a problem in your marriage BEFORE the surgery..
then there will be one AFTER your surgery IF you don't do something NOW to
repair the relationship you have now. And I can attest to the fact that,
while there are little scars, a 'repaired' love can be even stronger than
ever before. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for my husband and
my family. And I make sure I let them know that, too - OFTEN!! You find
that what you give..you get back in return... Good Luck to you..
— [Anonymous]
January 9, 2002
I am going through this right now. I have lost over a 100 pounds and I must
say I look and feel good about myself. My husband who I know loves me with
all of his heart started to get worried that I might leave him. He all of
the sudden open my doors for me, hold my hands, jumps to every need. There
is one problem ..... He Lies!! It makes me so angry!
Now before the old me would have forgave him now but the new me is like,
time for a new love. We have tried marriage counseling before and it did
work. However this time he has to make the first move. I will tell you now
that you will change. I didn't think that I would. You just don't put up
with the same crap that you did before.
— [Anonymous]
January 9, 2002
The grass may be greener on the other side, but you still have to mow it!
My hubby and I have been having many problems since my surgery and we are
still working things out. I have invested 16 years and as frustrated as
I get and tempted (guys really notice this size 8-10 lady now), I know
if I can't make it work with him, I won't be able to make it work with
anybody else. Good Luck!
— M B.
January 10, 2002
I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED THIS QUESTION!!! I love my husband to death and
would never do anything to hurt him, but lately I have these fantasies
about what it will be like when I am thin. I have never had the temptation
before because men don't look at me much since I am heavy. I guess it will
be a true test of my marriage and fidelity. I think after I stop being
down in the dumps about my weight, things might get better because I will
have better self confidence. Of course, that is certainly not the reason
for me to have the surgery!
— [Anonymous]
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