Question:
Has anyone lost friends due to WLS?

I have a friend who was so supportive of me when I told her about surgery, she is also a big girl. She gave me cards, sent me balloons in the hospital constantly checked on me while I was recovering. The one thing she said to me before surgery was she was afraid I wouldn't want to be her friend anymore after I lose weight. I thought she was kidding. Now, I am 9 weeks out, been back to work for 2 weeks, she works with me and won't talk to me or even look at me. Keeps telling me that she has other things going on. That may be true, but she always came to me to talk about things going on with her. Another friend at work told me that she felt uncomfortable around me now. What is up with that? I am still the same person I always was! I am pretty upset over this for her to think that I would really dump her as my friend just because physically I am changing. She is being really immature! We have been friends for years, now does she think the only reason we have been friends is because we were both fat? Has anyone else ran into this kind of emotional ordeal? I had no idea she would do this. By the way, she is 38 and I am 29, so we're not teenagers.    — tpalmer (posted on June 10, 2003)

June 9, 2003
Hi Tracy: Sorry to hear about this issue between you and your friend... Stop for a moment and reverse the situation. There you are, with your buddy, comfortable and secure with your friendship. No one looks at the two of you and labels either of you as the 'fat' one. You both enjoy dining out together, etc... Now suddenly she has an entirely new future ahead of her... a THIN future, a healthy future... and horizons that you've only dreamed about. You imagine yourself shopping with her, and YOU are the one going to the plus size department, while she gets to shop in the regular sizes...you get attention from men, and it goes on and on... not a pretty picture, is it... If you value this friendship, and it sounds like you do... then do everything you can to reassure this friend that you will be you no matter what. I would suggest doing this privately, or writing her a letter, a very well composed letter about your friendship... and not mentioning any changes you'll be making in the future. Focus on her, and how you miss her smiles, her laughter, your companionship, etc. It's quite possible that she misses you just as much. Good luck here, and God bless...
   — Karen D.

June 9, 2003
I agree w/ Karen that you should try and communicate with her and reassure her that you value her friendship and you miss her. One other tip... DON'T talk about how much weight you're losing, or your surgery, or anything like that. It's been my experience that even if my MO in-laws ask, they don't REALLY want to hear, and just resent you. The lower you fly under the radar, the easier it is for them, and in turn, you. I have a couple of skinny friends at work that I regale w/ all the gory details, but keep quiet around everyone else. People get tired of hearing about it really quickly.
   — mom2jtx3

June 10, 2003
Hi Tracy! I can totally relate and i am going through the same thing. I have a coworker I was very good friends with and since I have had the surgery, the friendship has now become non-exisitent. I have lost 144 lbs and I am now smaller than her and to think that she would be so shallow as to not be my friend anymore is crazy. I have accepted this and moved on. It is not your problem, it is her problem. Maybe once a little time has passed things will get better for the both of us. I just wanted to relate, darlin. God Bless!
   — Egyptianeyesdiva

June 10, 2003
HI TRACY!!! ALTHOUGH I TOTALLY AGREE WITH THE OTHER POSTERS, I HAVE TO SAY IN MY OPINION A TRUE FRIEND WILL ACCEPT YOU AND BE THERE FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT SIZE YOU ARE. I REALLY FEEL THAT BECAUSE WE RE TRYING TO GET CONTROL OF OUR LIVES, THT WE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO LIMIT OUR CONVERSATION ABOUT WHAT WE ARE GOING THROUGH. THIS IS A LIFE JOURNEY AND THIS WONDERFUL, MIRACULOUS BLESSING THAT WE HAVE BEEN GRANTED WILL OVERFLOW INTO OUR LIVES. TO ME A TRUE FRIEND WILL LOVE YOU AND BE THERE FOR YOU REGARDLESS. TO ME IT SOUNDS LIKE MAYBE SHE WASN'T A TRUE FRIEND AT ALL. WAS SHE YOUR FRIEND JUST BECAUSE THE 2 OF YOU WERE OVERWEIGHT? I AM AWARE THAT LOSING WEIGHT IS ONE OF THE TOUGHEST JOURNEY;S ONE COULD ENDURE. BUT IF A FRIEND IS JEALOUS OR SELF CONSCIENCE ABOUT THEIR APPEARANCE THAN THAT ISTHEIR PROBLEM AND NOT YOURS
   — tameaka S.

June 10, 2003
I am a little curious as to how she feels about the surgery itself. Is she interested in having surgery? Is she afraid she is too old? Maybe she is feeling a little "left out" because you are getting more attention. i woudl try to talk to her,and barring that, write her a carefully worded letter about how you value your friendship and miss being able to talk to her. Good luck!
   — koogy

June 10, 2003
While it is awkward for you now, give her a little time to adjust. It is very hard for some people to know how to relate to us when we are changing right before their eyes. Some relationships survive, some don't. It's too early to tell with this one. What I might do in this case is to send her a card (email or snail mail) and let her know how much you appreciate all that she did for you in the hospital. Also say something like "I know I am changing physically but I am still your friend in my heart. I miss you and would like to spend time with you again, when you are ready." That lets her know you care about her but it leaves it with her to make the next move, on her own time. Try not to be too judgemental or hurt right now. Let her deal with her own anxieties about this (including her feelings about her own weight issues) and see if she can find her way back to you. You'll know eventually whether this is just a glitch in the relationship while she adjusts, or a permanent problem. hugs, Ann rny 9/10/99 260/124
   — [Deactivated Member]

June 10, 2003
Your friend has alot of pain of her own she is dealing with due to her weight. She knows you will change with your weight loss and possibly leave her behind when you do all the things you always wanted to and she still can't. She is feeling bad that she will still be overweight with all the sadness that comes with it while you will be happy and active. Your weight was a strong common bond for the two of you. I think she feels she will lose you as a friend and is already mourning the loss of your friendship. It may seem immature, but you are crossing over into a new life that she can't. (unless she too has surgery)
   — doodlebug

June 10, 2003
See number 19 listed under June 9th on here. They are talking about changes after surgery.
   — doodlebug

June 10, 2003
I think in this case you have to be the stronger one and approach her and ask why this change in your relationship. Reassure her that her weight doesn't define who she is to you...that you love her for her and all her wonderful qualities. For some reason, I think, some of our larger friends think it reflects badly ON THEM to have a friend who's had WLS, because it puts them in the light of "well, how come SHE hasn't had surgery...her friend has". I have a wonderful best friend who could likely benefit from surgery. I spent about an hour one day early one reassuring her that I do not judge people by their weight, never have...and that she is and always will be very special to me as my friend because of WHO she is. (she is terrified of surgery, and I don't think it's in her future) I reiterated that I needed to have surgery to save my life...and basically the smaller body is the added result. And I am still the same loving person I always was...it hasn't changed me in that regard. I hope you can do whatever is needed to retain your friendship...you must be very upset...but I think by mentioning it here you've shown this is something you value and want to fix. Hugs, Joy
   — [Deactivated Member]

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