Question:
I have lost 183 pounds. I thought after losing weight, I would get dates and be able

to meet guys. I make myself open to meet people at events, church and other places but am not getting dates. Has anyone else experienced this problem since gastric bypass surgery?    — Judy W. (posted on November 13, 2003)

November 13, 2003
You didn't mention how old you are, but I think it's harder to meet people the older you get. I have a friend who's tall, gorgeous, thin, successful, and at 40, complains she can't meet anyone. Not much help to you, I know, but just wanted you to know that other's feel that way too (she's not a post-op btw, just a "normie" :)
   — mom2jtx3

November 13, 2003
Judy, Have you tried eharmony.com or something like that? I met my husband online (we got married 10 years ago next week!) and we have a wonderful relationship. BTW - just had to comment. We're both July 2002 surgeries, and both down 183 lbs - isn't that trippy?! Blessings, dina
   — Dina McBride

November 13, 2003
This is a common misconception...that thin people have no problems getting dates and big people can't get dates. I think every single woman in this world has the exact same issues when it comes to dating. Hang in there...the perfect call will come along the minute you stop looking for him!
   — thekatinthehat

November 13, 2003
do you flirt? i'm not saying act unladylike, but flirting kind of helps let a man know that you are interested. the next time you meet a man you are interested in, try listening to the things he says and ask him questions about himself or things he likes to do(even if it is something not so interesting haha) instead of talking about yourself mostly(but only for the first meeting). people want to be around others who make them feel special and good. there is an art to flirting and it has nothing to do with acting trampy. best of luck and happy dating!!
   — franbvan

November 13, 2003
are you out going? I know you go out, but do you exude that "Hi, I'm available and interesting and fun to be around" attitude? I know a lot of single and non-dating (not by choice) women and men who are thin. Some are painfully shy, some have bad attitudes, some exude an air of no-confidence, some etc., etc. Tude is everything. Lots of happy dating fat people in this world. I dated quite a lot before I married and have always been over-weight. Try and make yourself more available if you can, eye contact, smiling, etc. Good luck!
   — [Deactivated Member]

November 13, 2003
Have you tried the internet? It truly does open up a larger audience to you. These are people looking for dates. Put out a profile and your best picture and I guarantee you'll get responses. Plus, you can respond to others who you find attractive. You have to put yourself out there.
   — Patty H.

November 13, 2003
Definitely been there when I lost about 200 lbs in 94/95. I started losing for all the right reasons, to live past 40, but ended up assuming I would get a relationship out of it - wrong. After many years of counseling, and regaining 200 lbs, I finally came to the conclusion that I was most likely sending unconscious signals of STAY AWAY. I was afraid of being hurt or taken to the cleaners that I was afraid to go there. Well this time has been some different. <p>In July I made a profile on Yahoo Personals and put some pictures out there and an honest profile. Did not mention RNY surgery though. That could come once I met someone. I initially had a response and then 1 or two here or there but that's it. So a few weeks ago I was feeling friskier and I spent some time looking at the men that the system said were matches or close matches and I sent out some free icebreaksers to 9 men. One responded that he did not like dogs, which my profile clearly says me and my 3 Chesapeakes go together. Another man responded and we communicated some more and have gotten together 3 times since then. We are definitely on a path for friends first for all the reasons I stated before. Due to 9 years of counseling I am a pretty open book nowadays and therefore before I would meet him I told him about my surgery and that a well balanced healthy life was important to my long term success. He is not thin, about 60 lbs overweght, which puts us in the same place as I have 53 lbs to go. Basically I gave him the opportunity to run like hell, and he didn't. He instead responded that he understood societies opinions about overweight people etc. He was supportive of my choice. I even told him PS was in my near future. When we got together the 2nd time he told me that as far as he was concerned he thought I was very attrative just how I am and that he didn't think I needed to lose any more or have PS. I explained that "I" needed to do it for me. He understood that, but it was a total shock to be told I am attractive. I am very happy with how I look but I don't think I've been told that by the opposite sex ever. I was feeling pretty good for a whie after that comment. Like I said we are taking things very slow, more like scared teenagers, but that's what I am comfortable with and he's okay with it. <p>So the moral of my story is sometimes you need to take the step. Because David is a social drinker and I'm a non-drinker he would not likely have ever shown up in the list of men that met my criteria. He said he drinks the occassional beer or wine. So all because I had a whim of courage I have met a new friend that may turn into something more but if not it's a starting point for me who has lived sheltered and safe by the fat I used to have. This is totally new territory and truthfully after I met him the first time my inclination was to run like hell. Not because of him but because of being scared to go down this path. So like others said, try the online personals but be very cautious and careful. So far we have only met somewhere, he does not know my last name or where I live. Anything we've done has been in very public places. I do feel very comfortable with him but still very very cautious. Take a look, thruthfully, at the possible vibes you are sending out, as that may have more to do with it than anything! Good Luck!
   — zoedogcbr

November 14, 2003
Use the net, it is an easy, 'cut-to-the-chase' way to get to get to know other people...I guarantee you will at least have fun.
   — Shayla527

November 14, 2003
I have the same problem, sort of. It's irritating a lot of the time. I meet people off the internet and I have had some relationships, but nothing lasting. Like one of the previous posters, I found out I am sending the "stay away" message. I'm not sure how to correct it. People tell me i'm beautiful and all that stuff, but it's my kind of stand-offish attitude that is keeping people away, even though I am not like that at all on the inside. It's rough, I know!
   — fropunka

November 14, 2003
If you're not comfortable with the internet go to bookstores on certain nights and you'll find a lot of singles (which nights may vary by location). I would think the "self-help" aisle would hold some possibilities for striking up a conversation.
   — Le P.

November 14, 2003
I find that a lot of the time people don't ask people out on "dates". Someone might ask you to do something as friends first. Also ask your friends, if they know anyone single, and if they do, just try to arrange a meeting (at a party or function, not a 'blind date') If you meet someone interesting, say things that will let you know you are interested, like "we should get together (for coffee, a drink, a movie, etc) sometime" If you met this person through someone you know, ask them about the person afterwards, maybe they will pass on to the person that you were asking about them, thus realize you're intrested. Another good thing to do is go back to the scene of the crime, if you meet someone at a coffee shop, be sure to go back there again, since it's somewhere you know they might be. So you have a better chance to running into them again, and talking to them again, etc. <br><br> Just don't get too hung up on the 'dates', in my 20 years of dating, I have only been on a handful of formal 'dates' people just don't tend to do that as much anymore, and just 'hang out' first and get to know each other. <br><br> I know several people who have met people through sites like yahoo personals or match.com, it's worth checking out, just be careful and meet people in a public place intially.
   — Patricia T.

November 15, 2003
Judy, "getting dates" is not about what size you are! I had dates, and men who found me attractive at 279lbs. I was about 240 when I got married, and eventually ended up around 320. My husband apparently still found me attractive . . . and he's good-looking, cute, intelligent, and makes good money. <g> In other words, it's not like he couldn't get a better looking woman. <p> Check your attitudes (are you too focused on "I need a man/date/husband", or do you have *STAY AWAY* embossed on your forehead?) Maybe ask a few male friends if they can help with how you come across? And the old cliche (but is very valid), work on being happy alone - happy people are more attractive no matter their size, looks, etc. <p> And of course, putting yourself out there is important, too. Try Match.com, or a speed dating event, or personals, or singles groups. You can't get dates if you're either hanging out at home, or in the wrong groups. <p> Good luck!
   — RWH G.

November 15, 2003
When you go to these events, go there wanting to be entertained and enjoy it for that purpose. People sometimes sense things not realizing what they are sensing - like you longing for a companion. Don t think about it just enjoy the event and be yourself. People appear more confident when other people believe/think we don t need something or someone. Chill, and enjoy your new look and your life long journey.
   — JUNE P.

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