Question:
self discovery... saddened by what I've found.

Hi everyone... I just need some insight. Today I was talking to a dear friend (a man). He told me he's happy for me in my weight loss, but that he's always loved me and thought I was beautiful, either heavy or small. He said the change has been like a caterpillar, the cacoon, and the butterfly... except the butterfly flew away, and he misses something very precious and innocent about me. He said now I put a lot of emphasis on what others think of my appearance... more than what he thinks of me. He said, these people noticing you are all new, but i've always been there loving you and thinking you're beautiful, no matter what you think of yourself. He said my inner beauty is what he was so attracted to, and my outer appearance reflected my inner beauty. My concern is this... what have I lost? Have I lost my sense of self and only go by what others think of me? Someone help me please, I really need to get through this one. Thanks to anyone who wishes to reply.    — Happy I. (posted on December 23, 2003)

December 22, 2003
Wow, he sounds like a really great guy. I have a feeling that your emphasis on what others think of how you look will change. As obese people, we have such a negitive self image. Others over look us, make fun of us and act in many mean ways. It's natural for WLS patients to really start to feel proud and accepted as we loose. We are finally feeling like we fit in. I know that it really makes me happy when someone comments on how I am doing (just about 1/2 way!). Now that your friend has told you this, I would guess that you will be more aware of how you are presenting your change to the world.
   — Kathy J.

December 22, 2003
I can't decide if you are fortunate to have this person in your life or if it is just the opposite! I think it is wonderful that he loved the person that you were before you lost weight, but I can't help wondering if he is trying to stiffle the new you that is emerging.(Possibly afraid of loosing you?) I just feel that when we are fighting morbid obesity we bury the part of our inner-self that wants to be attractive on the outside, and to other people, because we think we will never achieve it and that those people are shallow any way. So we fight harder to be accepted in other ways than how we look, which is a good thing. However, it is not a negative to be proud of how you look and to enjoy the attention you are getting. Another aspect of your inner-self is emerging and it will take adjustment not only for you, but for others in your life that are close to you. Hopefully, he will be a true asset and be patient and not make you feel badly for these new feelings that you are experiencing. Be proud! You have worked hard and suffered long for it! God bless! 252/124
   — sherry H.

December 22, 2003
This is a road of self discovery...no doubt. I have noticed great changes in my personality since I lost the weight. I was extremely outgoing. The center of attention. Since my weight loss, though I am still funny, I am more quiet. I don't need to try so hard, hoping my personality will outshine the deficit of my weight. I also am more apt to stand up for myself if someone is inappropriate with me, now. I am more outspoken. Perhaps that is some of what he is sensing in you. Did you ask HIM what he thinks you have lost? Just remember, it was because of your inner beauty that you had the guts to find your outer beauty. Tap into those inner qualities that made this surgery worth the journey. He sounds like a wonderful man...perhaps there is more developing in this relationship?
   — Cindy Y.

December 22, 2003
I think Sherry (below) took the words right out of my mouth. When I first read your post I was thinking I'm not sure if she's fortunate or unfortunate this man is in her life- I don't know You, so I can only speak of my own experiences, what have I lost ? I've lost over 160 pounds, and THATS IT ! If anything, I have GAINED an enormous amount of self esteem (for the very first time in my life) I was once with a man who WANTED me fat, he would tell me ALL THE TIME I was beautiful- then I went on one of many crash diets, and lost over 100lbs, thats when the abuse started- He would constantly try to shoot down my self esteem- (OBVIOUSLY he was JEALOUS, and affraid of losing me) This often happens with our own female friends- (sad to say) They like you FAT, why ? well first of all, it makes THEM look better, and if your fat, well then they have alot to related to with you, and you are their "eatting buddy" I don't know if you were fat your whole life, BUT I WAS ( I can remember shopping in the "fat ladies section pre-teen) As hard as I tried, I was withdrawn from the world, I would wear clothing 10X to big to try to hide all my fat (wich only made me look fatter) For the first time, I am feeling a sense of pride, I "worry" about what I look like- I take TIME to pick out my clothing and find things that match real nice and iron my clothes (not that I was a slob before) You just go ahead and SHINE THROUGH, just BE YOURSELF- Love yourself- If he loves you- He will be happy for you, and accept the "new you"
   — WABBIT F.

December 22, 2003
Wow, interesting dilemma - it is true that he may be missing the "security" of the fat person he knew and loved, as some of the others have suggested (I'm paraphrasing in a nutshell...). But you probably also owe it to yourself and to him and your friendship to take a close look at your changes and see if there is any validity to what he says. This is NOT to say that you should stop taking pride in how you look and your appearance; for those of us who were always embarrassed by and self conscious about how we looked, suddenly knowing that we can and do look good can be simply intoxicating. And we SHOULD pay attention to that. The question becomes: has how you look become the be all and end all? Be brutally honest in your self appraisal: have you become vain, arogant, self-absorbed, and/or demeaning to others less attractive? If so, then your friend is right in his assessment, and regardless of your success in your weightloss, you need to concentrate on recapturing the true you in addition to loving the new you. If, however, you can honestly say that you have not acquired any of those negative traits, then your friend is having a problem adjusting, and maybe you can help him through it - help him see that how you have become is the true you, too - you just never felt that you could express it before. See if you can get him to see these new qualities as window-dressing for the characteristics he already loves about you.
   — johanniter

December 22, 2003
Do YOU think you put alot of emphasis on what others think of your appearance? Personally, I could care less what other people think about me. I didn't care when I was fat, and I REALLY don't care now that I'm thin. My appearance isn't ME. Don't get me wrong, I like to look nice, but it's for myself and my family. The opinions of strangers and aquaintences don't matter. When men pay attention to me now, I can't help but think they wouldn't have bothered 150 pounds ago, so who needs them? It's whats inside that counts. This man sounds like a keeper. I would seriously consider what he's saying and see if it's true. We shouldn't put too much emphasis on what other other's think of our appearance. I cling to the people that loved me fat and now love me thin, because they love the real me, not the outside image.
   — mom2jtx3

December 22, 2003
He, indeed, sounds like a great guy and I'm glad you have a friend/man who loves you for the true you. That said, it's quite possible that you did not lose anything at all. This issue could be that this friend has a touch of low self-esteem, himself or is insecure. Often, I find men who are not "Baldwins" or a "10" will cling and choose women who are not so outwardly beautiful because there is less chance of someone better looking stealing her away. When you think about it, I am sure everyone has inner beauty and these less-great looking guys are more apt to look for that in a big woman. Now you are changing into someone who has both and I think a formerly fat woman has more than an "always thin" woman because they had the opportunity to TRULY develop their insides to be the most they could be. He may have said his concern is you being focused on what others think but I think he's just afraid of what others think...meaning there is more competition now. Just a thought - I could be way off. One thing I learned when I was at my heaviest, you can't control what others think (good or bad). You just need to know in your heart that you reflect YOUR own values and be happy with the person you are.
   — Donya P.

December 23, 2003
Was your dear friend receiving more attention from you when you were obese? His comment on people noticing you are all new and that you put alot of emphasis on what others think of your appearance is a change in you. He may be jealous or a little threatened that others are getting your attention or that you are not as focused on his friendship anymore. I think you need a little conversation with him, to reassure him you are still a friend and that he is special to you and show that to him(its nice that he was there for you when you were obese and others weren't). I'd also tell him about all the positives that you have gained with the weight loss like loving yourself and gaining self-confidence. That may be all he needs, some reassurance and attention. There is no alternative here since you cannot go back to being obese. You have changed alot, we all have, so he will have to accept the new you or unfortunately you must move on...that would be a shame but it sounds like this is his issue more than yours.
   — Cindy R.

December 23, 2003
Gosh, all of you had some wonderful insight and I thank you so much. I've always been somewhat introspective, and I do care how I affect others. As one poster said, I did have to take a long hard look at my behaviors of late, but I didn't see anything in me that might have come across as self absorbed, or arrogant. I'm having a difficult time getting use to my new shell, although it's quite fun. I love to try on clothes now, etc... I don't think any human should try to take away something we've desired for so long that has made us very happy. You are all wonderful. Thank you so much for your insight. Hugs... Merry Christmas to all of you!
   — Happy I.

December 23, 2003
the way I see it, he may very well be right...maybe you are putting alot more emphasis on your appearance, and part of you is changing...what he, and you, need to realize, that if you have been obese you whole life or even a large part of it...this "new" you is completely new...even to you! it's like a new baby, or new computer, or whatever you want to compare it to. Rather you mean to or not, you probably are putting alot into the new you. eventually, you will settle into your new self, and your mind and attitude and body will become what it is. And he will love you.
   — thekatinthehat

December 24, 2003
I have not been overweight most of life - just the last 7 years - which made me really notice how people are affect by appearance. Being able to love and appreciate others for who they are "inside" is what I've always done and from what I've experienced while being overweight I plan to embrace this even more. My reason WLS is health and mobility and self respect. When I was thin I covered my body because I felt comfortable - when I became obese I still covered my body - and now that I am returning to a healthier BMI I most likely won't change - I will love all my friends those who are skinny, big or obese purely for who they are - just like your friend - who is a rare and special human being. By they way watch the movie "Shallow Hal" - it is good insight.
   — Anna M.

December 24, 2003
hi i have notice with myself that i do take more time with myself now that i am thinner but i always think its becaue i have more time now than i did before because i use to work and now i do not so that gives me more time and my husband says why do you take so long getting ready, well one day i did not and went to the mall and seen myself in one of those cameras and said oh my god look at me so now before i go out i make sure i look good surgery day 050302 lost 125 still have 25 to go take care rosemary
   — ROSEMARY A.

December 26, 2003
Great question. I myself do spend more time on my appearance now, but it is only because I take pride in myself now. I've become a little more concious about my hair and teeth and stuff. But I think that's ok....as long as I am not obsessive and doing it for myself..not other people. Perhaps your friend has become a little insecure about the attention you're getting. I'm sure he means absolutely well, but we do have to relish the new life we have after WLS. It takes more time for others to get used to than ourselves sometimes I think. You are the same beautiful inner person as you were before, but there is nothing wrong with "new people" noticing you either. Good luck!
   — emilyfink

December 26, 2003
Perhaps you place more emphasis on your appearance simply because you are proud of what you see! Good for you!!
   — Try A.

December 29, 2003
Having wls isn't always about worrying what other people think. I am having it done because I want to live a better quality of life. I would love to go to an amusement park and not worry if I can fit on a ride or not. Or go to a resturant and worry if I can fit in a booth. I am only 31 and my knees are killing me and is starting to affect my everyday life. I hate not being able or restricted from doing things becasue of my weight. When I explained to my husband, that is the reason I was having this procedure done, I think he understood the my point of view better. I wanted it done.
   — penelope R.

January 2, 2004
I personally am very proud of how nice I look now. I pay much attention to the clothes I wear, I got a makeover at Mario Triccocci ( a fancy salon day spa type place) so I could learn how to put make up on my new face. I got a new hairstyle and started coloring my hair. Am i vain? (Maybe just a little) I think I am otherwise the same person I have ever been just with a more attractive, and healthy I might add, exterior. However, I know that others who are even a little over weight are seeming defensive since I have been losing. I think it is important to not only focus on my self , but to notice others new outfits, hair do's ect and hand out as many compliments as I recieve. I think any one going thru such dramatic changes outside is sure to change inside a little inside too, whether increased confidence or care about your appearance. As long as you don't loose sight of who you are as a person or take those who have stood by you for granted I think it wll be fine. Enjoy your new appearance.
   — **willow**

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