Question:
Fiance adamantly against, looking for support...
I have a child with my fiance and when she was born I knew that the parenting would be all "on me." I still chose to keep him in the picture. She will soon be 3. I now want to pursue the surgery and he is livid. If I dies he would not parent our daughter. He is against my risking death over something as "temporary" and as "stupid" as a weight issue. He is also obese and doesn't care. Obviously this threatens him. He is demanding about food and restrictive with money. I wish his attitude were different and he were more sensitive. He is just as discriminating as a thinner person might be and he should know better!! Anyway, he forbids me to consider the surgery and especially one so far away. "Messing with your innards is just WRONG!" It is the two of us, no family but my little daughter. I want to PLAY with her, and be there for her and my comments to him that the weight has effects to health now or in the future are dismissed, like he can't even let me finish the sentance. Do I just push ahead on my own, dismissing him, because it is MY body. His argument that it is OUR money (if we need to use it) and that any risk of death is unacceptable is frustrating. Anyone wanna bolster me? :) — Danine N. (posted on March 23, 2001)
March 23, 2001
i am soo sorry for you. i don't want to be mean but if he is this
insensitive, you arent married and he doesnt want to parent your child what
do you need him for????????? i know money can be a problem but you say he
is so tight with that too. do you have anyone you could turn to...no
family? a close friend? i think you need to get rid of him...get rid of the
weight...and enjoy your life and your daughter!!!
— [Anonymous]
March 23, 2001
I don't really think your fiance's attitude is going to change much while
you pursue the surgery, go through with it and then recover. It concerns
me that he dismisses your feelings and thoughts on WL as "stupid"
and "wrong" and that he doesn't even let you finish a sentence.
The first step here for you is not WLS...it's disentangling yourself from
an emotionally stunted, controlling and miserable man. Good luck, you'll
be in my prayers.
— Allie B.
March 23, 2001
Hon, I am so sorry that your fiance is not supportive. Sounds to me he is
scared and feels threaten if you lose this weight that you will leave
him.....Sorry thats how I feel I dont mean any harm. I read your profile
and I feel if you want this surgery than go for it. Listen to your heart,
this is when God is talking to us. You might not have all the co-morbits
at this time but without the surgery you will continue to have them and
gain the weight and make your health alot worse (read my profile) Dont put
off for tomorrow for what you can do today. Tell him no you dont WANT to
die but if you dont get the weight off and become healther that you will
because of the weight and health problems down the road. I also am concern
that his reply that if you were to die (wls/or nature causes, auto accident
or whatever, why he would not raise your daughter. she is his daughter
too. My heart goes to that one and I would ask my self really what kind of
a DAD is he to your child. (Sam and I are not married but have been
together for 11 years under same roof,He has a daughter from a previous
relationship, all because him and her mother could not work things out he
is there for his daughter and I respect him 100% for this. We have her
every other weekend and she is a joy. she is now 14. But I am so proud that
he is a DAD to her no matter what. And I feel you man should be a dad to
your daughter to no matter what. I really dont mean any harm or bad
feelings, I just tend to speak from my heart. Take care and I will keep
you in my prayers and if this is your Dream than go for it because DREAMS
DO COME TRUE FOR THOSE WHO BELIEVES.......
Jay Biller
— jay B.
March 23, 2001
I am so sorry your fianca is so against this, I wish you luck i hope you
can look inside your heart and decide what is best for you, not for him, my
hubby is not supportive ether but i told him it was my dicision not his,
and he wont say anything one or the other now , wich is probly best. so i
wish you luck.
— sandra M.
March 23, 2001
I usually don't comment on these issues, but you've triggered a deep fear
within me. I tend to agree with all who went before me here. Also, one
thing to consider is that as long as you are a victim of our disease, there
is nothing you can do to CURE the disease. You can only treat it. The
comorbidities are 100% guaranteed to take your life, providing you don't
have an accident, etc. That's cheerful enough, but the problem is that we
get so very sick before we die! I was very nearly disabled, and totally
dependent on my family. I think if yours had been my fella, he'd have
dumped my helpless self in a ditch. So, you're sort of damned if you do,
damned if you don't. You can be certain that no matter how much you diet
or exercise, you will not beat the disease. Surgery doesn't cure the
disease, either, but it can put it into remission. Then you can sort your
options again, when you have your good health back again and your
perspective is not so bleak and dependent. You have the disease, you can
only decide to treat it or not treat it.
— vitalady
March 23, 2001
Hi: So sorry to hear about what you're going through, but I tend to
agree with your first anonymous poster. If your fiance truly cared for you
he would back you up all the way. Don't think about him anymore, think
about your young child. She needs a HEALTHIER you more than you need his
BS at this time of your life. I know exactly how you feel [ my husband,
better half, the guy I live with, or whatever the hell you want to call him
] Hon, you know what I'm going to do? I'm having my surgery in 7 more
weeks and after I recuperate and get well again A LOT OF THINGS ARE GOING
TO CHANGE AROUND HERE! My prayers are with you and GO FOR IT, for you and
your daughter!
— [Anonymous]
March 23, 2001
Danine..our kids grow in a blink of an eye(I have a daughter 16 & son
13)...I never rode a bike with them, never swam with them, never went on
any rides with them, I never played any ball games with them etc, etc. etc.
you be strong and put your daughter first, and yourself 2nd...As a
footnote, it took my husband about 8 months to not be afraid and
nonsupportive. Could your fiance come around with more time and education?
— Debora H.
March 23, 2001
All I can say is you already know what to do, you just needed all of us to
confirm it. Your fiancee is scared. The only reason a man behaves in this
way is because he has a deep seated insecurity from his childhood or other
experiences in his life. It is either that or he is just plain mean, only
you know the answer to that.
He has tried to use every method he can to guilt you into not doing what he
knows deep down would make your life better, probably because if you felt
better about yourself you would realize you deserve to be treated with
respect and dignity. He has gone so far as to threaten not taking care of
your child, that is inexcusable in my mind.
We each have to set boundaries, and reinforce those boundaries often with
people who say they love us. That means making it clear to them in a loving
way that you will not be berated, disrespected or spoken to as if you were
a child. Chances are you have allowed this pattern to go on for far too
long, that doesn't in any way make you a bad person, it just means you are
human. You have to start thinking of yourself as deserving, (even before
the surgery), of having a better life and a healthy body to take care of
your baby. Otherwise, what kind of life are you showing your daughter how
to live? To settle for less would tell her you aren't worthy of respect and
love. In the future, she would see that as how men treat women and would
have no other way to reference personal relationships, and might repeat it
in her own life.
I am not saying dump this guy, all I am saying is that you need to stand up
for yourself and your daughter and make it clear to him that if he loves
you, then he needs to show it. He doesn't have to like your having surgery,
but he does have to accept it. If he isn't willing to do any of the things
you need him to do to make your family healthy physically and emotionally,
then you know what you need to do. I will be praying for you and hoping he
comes around.
— Diana M.
March 23, 2001
Danine, I know where you're coming from. When I had my revision surgery
last year I had been married for about two months and we were still living
in different states (I was to move there the following month). My DH had
promised support if and when I got approved for the surgery. It started to
look like I wasn't going to get approval before my moving deadline then all
of the sudden I won my appeal on a Wed. and had less than two weeks before
leaving my job. I had my pre-ops that next day, consultation with the
surgeon the following day and scheduled the surgery for that next Monday.
THEN I had to go home and tell DH on the phone what I was doing. He
totally freaked out! He came in that weekend to be with me and spent the
entire weekend trying anything and everything he could to talk me out of it
including threats, tears, you name it. The morning of surgery as they were
wheeling me down the hall his last words to me were "Don't do
it". Well, I didn't do it for him, I did it for ME and I don't regret
it for a second. At two weeks post-op (now in my new state) I developed a
nasty infection and ended up in the ER. There was talk of transferring me
by ambulance from Lafayette back to Houston and my DH lost it again. He
went so far as to throw his wedding ring at me. It was MY fault because I
just HAD to have this surgery and didn't even consult him. I was laying
there sick as a dog, in tears and dealing with this sh*t. Finally my nurse
told him that he needed to chill out, that I was very ill and could die (a
slight exagerration but it shut him up). I ended up staying in Lafayette
in the hospital for 5 days and have been fine ever since. For months I had
to hear about not consulting him. As time wore on, the pounds came off and
he calmed down and will now grudgingly admit that he's glad I had the
surgery. If I had it to do all over again? I wouldnt change a thing. You
have to think of you and your daughter. If your fiance wants you to be
around for a good long time then he will eventually come around, if not,
you're better off without him. There are plenty of men out there who would
love you and your daughter. Who knows, if you are strong, do what you need
to do and have the surgery, once he sees your success maybe just maybe he
will reconsider the surgery himself. I can tell you though that as you
lose weight your tolerance for his BS will probably lessen and there will
probably be some tense times as you start to reassert yourself. Be
prepared. It will be difficult (I'm in the middle of that myself) but it's
worth it to stand up for yourself and your daughter and demand better
treatment. Sorry for writing a book here but I hope it helps!
— Kellye C.
March 24, 2001
It is so easy to go into the talk show mode and say drop the zero and get
you a hero. No one is saying that here. I think as women, we are programmed
to please our families, jobs, friends and the whole damn world. But when do
we say "what about me?" I'm sure you are giving 110% to your
family and nothing to yourself. You are not being selfish for considering a
procedure that will improve your health, allow you to have more years, time
and energy for your child. As for your fiance, I can't tell you how to deal
with him because what goes on behind close doors is no one elses concern
unless you feel you are being abuse mentally or physically. But I do wish
you courage, strength and insight into something that will be a major life
altering state for the better. No one can tell you what you need to do but
yourself. With many hugs, Jan
— Jan M.
March 24, 2001
Danine,
If he won't care for your daughter if you die- will he when
your co-morbidities disable you? Will he care for you then too??
He sounds like a pretty selfish guy. I look at his threats NOT
to care for your daughter as blackmail. Being as you are not
married, I would care for yourself first. His obesity, I think
plays a huge role in this- if you lose weight, then he will have
no excuse not to too. Misery loves company. Do what YOU need
to do for YOU and for your daughter. Come back here ofen for
the support you need!
— M B.
March 24, 2001
I just wish to thank everyone who is posting and replying to me as I
struggle through this life decision. It is really really helpful! I
appreciate all of you who have been able to say things so well without
judging me or my decisions. What great and supportive replies! What would I
do without this site???!
— Danine N.
March 24, 2001
DANINE, HI KEEP YOUR CHIN UP THINGS WILL GET BETTER. I FEEL YOU BOYFRIEND
IS JUST SCARED. MAJOR SURGERY IS REALLY SCARRY. BUT.... TELL HIM IF YOU
DON'T DO THIS YOU WILL DIE AT AN EARLY AGE FROM HEART, DIABETIC, HIGH
BLOODPRESSURE OR SOME THING ELSE. I KNOW WHAT YOU FEEL LIKE I AM 5'3
1/2" TALL AND WEIGH 250 LBS. I HAVE A 5 YEAR OLD WHO KEEPS ASKING ME
TO PLAY WITH HER AND IT'S JUST TO HARD TO GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND PLAY.
IT IS REALLY HARD TO WATCH THOSE SAD EYES. I AM HAVING MY SURGERY APRIL
30TH. IF YOU KEEP TALKING WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND HE WILL KEEP THREATING AND
TRY TO TALK YOU OUT OF IT. TRY PRINTING INFORMATION ABOUT RNY AND THEN
WRITE HIM A LONG LETTER ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM AND YOUR DAUGHTER.
AND HOW YOU WANT TO BE ALIVE FOR MANY MANY YEARS. AND THEN TELL HIM WHY
YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE THIS SURGERY, AND HOPE THAT HE WILL BE THERE FOR YOU.
SOMETIMES WRITING YOUR FEELINGS ARE EASIER TO SAY, AND EASIER FOR SOMEONE
TO HEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!GOOD LUCK.
— JACKIE S.
April 4, 2001
I am sorry that you seem to be going through this alone. I had surgery on
020601 and my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years and I split up recently because he
was so negative about the surgery. I truly do know how you feel. It is
better to be healthy and alone than unhealthy and with someone who will not
support you emotionally.
— Tracy C.
June 21, 2001
I know what you mean, I am going through the same thing with family. They
talked me out of the surgery before as did my ex-fiancee, who then dumped
me because of my weight, that was in January. I look back now and think
how many "skinny" moths have just gone by me. I realized then
that this is my body and I make the decisions for myself and my happiness
and they don't like it, too bad, but I will be damned if I spend the other
half of my life struggling with my weight as I have thus far!
— Aisha S.
June 21, 2001
Here's sincere deep South "Bless your heart". I KNOW what you're
going through. I went through it with my late husband. I had a failed VBG
from 1984 and needed a revision after having our two children. I had
gained back all my weight and added 85 pounds from pregnancies. We was
totally against it. He was afraid I would die on the table or that a new
surgery wouldn't work and I would have complications from it. Don't get me
wrong, he always wanted me to lose the weight for my health, he was just
terrified of surgery as he had never had surgery before. He truly loved me
and our children. The tragic irony? He was killed in a car accident on
Christmas Eve 1998. We had always had the "what if something happens
to one of us" discussion and his first point was ALWAYS you have to
lose the weight to take care of our girls. He was right. I couldn't take
care of me, much less them. I started the process in June of 1999 and had
my revision surgery April 2000. At first I felt guilty, but now I do not.
I accomplished what he wanted me to and am able to give our children
quality care and play with them, too. My whole story is in my profile if
you're interested. My only regret is that I didn't convince him during his
lifetime. I wish you the best and hope you find the strength and courage
to do what's best for you.
— [Deactivated Member]
October 3, 2001
Danine,
It is your body and your future! You can't let someone control a decision
that involves you. You have to think what is more important in your life
.. your health at a lower weight or the possibility of major co-morbidity
factors taking your life way before it is time. I think your boyfriend is
coming from a very selfishh standpoint because he has obesity issues as
well. Maybe he feels that if you have this surgery that you will leave him
(seems to be a huge issue for men with significant others seeking weight
loss surgery). You are too precious and have a tremendous future with your
daugther ... don't you want to be there to see her go to high school,
graduate from college, get married, have children? You are the only one
that can make the decision to have the surgery but if you want it, you
should go for it. As for your daugther, you should seek out a good friend
who would be willing (God forbid) to take care of your daugther should your
boyfriend not want to fulfill his obligations as the father. Good luck and
I wish you the very best of luck!
— Heather S.
January 30, 2002
I think you should think of your daughter. Do you want her to grow like you
or do you want her role model to be someone she can learn from. She will
learn good eating habits from you and in turn carry them with her. It
sounds like your partner is a deadbeat and realizes this. Why would he want
you to better yourself? You do his laundry, cook for him and he gets sex.
He isn't afraid you'll die and leave him to take care of your child. He's
afraid he'll have to take care of himself. Your self esteem may increase
and one day you may realize he is not the one for you. He knows this. I
would go as far as you can. Your insurance may pay for EVRYTHING so his
argument isn't valid about spending money that is partly his. If you do
decide to do this I would get a will. I would make him sign one too so that
your daughter may even be given to a friend to take care of if he isn't
responsible. I also would have the will so that ANY money life insurance
etc. is held in trust for your daughter with a trustee that isn't your
partner. You may also want to find out about a term life insurance policy
that you could carry 6 months in case something should happen. He's
arguments aren't valid. They are just control polys to make you feel
guilty. "We don't have money, You may die and leave our child
motherless". Hope you brought clean underwear he has sent you on a
guilt trip.
— [Anonymous]
January 30, 2002
TAKE HIM TO A SUPPORT GROUP MEETING, if he refuse to go attend yourself,
and make a new post op friend! Have you and your fiance take your FRIEND to
dinner. Its not necessary to tell him whats up of you suspect he will
refuse to go along on the dinner. Have them show their pre op picture.
Your fiance probably feels he is trying to protect you. Let him see what a
success surgery can be. Having dinner with a post op sold me on surgery,
and really helped change Jens opinion too. She felt it was nuts, and was
stunned when my PCP agreed with me that surgery was a good thing. If all
else fails do WHATS BEST FOR YOU!
— bob-haller
June 18, 2002
He is afraid you will change. My husband did not like it when I told him
either and he is also overweight. Now my husband is considering the surgery
to feel healthier. Just let the subject lay low and keep on doing the right
thing by going forward with the surgery. You are only benefiting you and
your child. Good luck. God Bless.
— Bonnie M.
June 19, 2002
If you are planning to marry this man, I would suggest marriage counseling
NOW. If the two of you cannot work through a disagreement such as this --
even to the point that you respect eachother enough to "agree to
disagree" -- then there are significant OTHER problems ahead in your
future. Do you want your daughter seeing a man treating you with that kind
of disrespect? To call your feelings and ideas stupid? How do you
envision he will treat her ideas? How will she feel about herself? You
need to explore these issues with a professional... two lives are at stake
her. You may consider asking your fiance to please refrain from driving in
a car. The risk of death from a car accident, following his logic, is
clearly unacceptable. This response could have taken two tones -- I would
like to tell you exactly what I think about controlling, ignorant people
who impose their ill-informed beliefs on others -- but I opted to try for a
more constructive response. Let me know if you want me to let loose on
what I really think!
— Karen F.
October 8, 2002
Get the surgery, begin your new healthy life, enjoy your daughter, but
before all that ditch the fiance'. You don't need someone like that.
— tinkerbellsw
December 2, 2004
YOU GO GIRL. ITS YOUR BODY AND YOUR HEALTH. GET ER DONE. I PROMISE YOU
WILL FEEL LIKE A NEW PERSON. LOOK LIKE ONE TOO. LOOSE THE GUY. AS A
STRONG WILLED WOMEN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 12 YEARS. KICK HIM TO THE CURB.
ENJOY PLAYING WITH YOUR DAUGHTER. ITS ALOT MORE FUN WITHOUT THE OBESITY
GETTING IN THE WAY. TAKE HIM TO A SUPPORT GROUP MEETING. A COUPLE OF THEM
HE IS NOT YOUR LORD AND MASTER DO IT FOR YOU AND FOR YOUR DAUGHTER. NOT
FOR HIM AND LET HIM KNOW THAT. THE "I LOVE YOU THE WAY YOU ARE AND
LOOK NOW" JUST DOESN'T KICK IT NO MORE.
— Linda W.
April 30, 2005
I feel as if your fiance has a complex.Maybe he is scared that when you
lose and are no longer obese that you will try to find another man. In the
event of your death, which could happen just from crossing the street I am
sure that he would raise the child if he loves her. If he did not love her
then she would be better off being raised by someone else anyway. He is
trying to control you. GO FOR IT!
— MSSDONNA
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