Question:
Please help me help my husband understand
my hubby thinks i have no problem that a little excercise and a few veggies won't cure. If there is anybody that has any information on obesity that i could pass along to him. it would be very helpful. I am a 33 year old that weighs 295 i have been big all my life and have tried everything. — Danielle W. (posted on May 18, 2001)
May 18, 2001
Mine thinks that also! He states that if, however, the insurance co.
approves the surgery -I see the surgeon on 5/30, that it must be necessary.
My husband has always had that wonderful metabolism that goes along with a
type A personality. I have just explained to him (time and again) that I
have tried all the traditional ways and that they just don't work for me
anymore. Before I met my husband, I had been on a MD supervised fasting
program and lost #145, he had never seen me as I am now. I guess I am
lucky, though, he is being very supportive even to the extent of planning
to take time off to take care of me post op. I hope I don't need too much
help though - he will make me crazy! Just keep hammering away at him and
have him read through this site. I woke up early one am, and my husband was
doing that and he seemed to understand why this is so important to me.
— Jean K.
May 18, 2001
danielle, we have a lot in common...i am a 34 y/o married stay home mom of
2 boys ages 2 & 5. I am 11 weeks post op open rny. my hubby, who is not
very emotionally demonstrative (and very thin) was however very supportive
of my decision to do this. When I asked him why he wanted me to do it, he
said i dont want you to do it, i would just like to know you'll still be
around when I am ready to reitre so we can enjoy ourselves...i thought that
was a very wonderful answer.Mind you, this is a man that almost passed out
in 1997 whn i needed emergency surgery...he couldnt even visit me...he came
once, turned green and left. also he had no clue how to deal with my post
partum hormones and crying so i was shocked how wonderful he was when i had
this surgery.
Maybe it would help your hubby to talk with your surgeon or attend your
support group (if you have one) so he can see before and afters or maybe
you could let him read some profiles here or get him into the chat room.
you or he can email me directly and i would be glad to answer any questions
you have. good luck.
— Kathy831
May 18, 2001
I don't know about your history, but let me tell you mine--maybe if your
husband sees this, it could put things in some perspective:
<P>I started swimming competitively at 5, and started running
cross-country at 8. I continued with my running and swimming throughout my
school years, eventually becoming a nationally-ranked athlete. There were
times, in junior high especially, when I had a hard time going out with my
friends because they liked to eat pizza and burgers, and I preferred a
salad and/or pasta, which made me look "weird" to them (or so I
thought). I worked out a minimum of four hours every day, seven days a
week, the entire time I was in school because of my deep interest in
athletics. I was also a top roller skater (remember roller
<I>skating</I>?), a fair basketball player, tried my hand
several times at rock climbing, and competed in numerous "field"
events (shot put and long jump, etc.) for many years. I even hiked a hefty
portion of the Pacific Crest Trail (runs from Mexico to Canada) when I was
22.
<P>Know what? I was fat then, too. I've always been fat. I'm
5'4" and weighed a good 180-190 in junior high and high school, moving
over the 200 mark in my late teens. Fat, fat, fat. And as soon as I started
leading a "normal" life--you know, working more often than
working <I>out</I>--and my daily workouts lowered to an hour a
day, I shot up to 210, 220, 240...finally made it to 260 before I realized
that there was nothing I could do to prevent cresting over the 300 mark
without drastic intervention.
<P>Not everyone is fat because they eat the "wrong" foods
or because they are "lazy," "not motivated," or
"don't exercise enough." I'm fat because I'm fat. I'm genetically
inclined to be fat. At the age of 16 I ran a mile in just a fraction under
5 minutes, something that literally took years of practice and hard work to
achieve. I probably weighed 180 then, or between 60 and 70 pounds more than
my "normal" peers of about the same height.
<P>I had the surgery because I knew, and could prove with my track
and swimming records, that exercise won't cut it. Even combining that with
a "sensible" diet--which is something I always preferred
anyway--did absolutely nothing to decrease my weight. The surgery has
accomplished what "a little exercise and a few veggies" could
never even come close to doing.
<P>I've been obese my entire life. And the longer you are obese, the
harder it is to lose the weight through any "ordinary" means.
Neither Tae Bo nor Kathy Smith is going to fix a lifelong problem. Please
feel free to write if you want to talk, or vent, or whatever. I hope your
husband comes around.
— Suzanne B.
May 18, 2001
Hi, my husband thought I could do it myself too. He met me when I lifted
weights for contests and worked out cardiovascularly two hours a day. I
did that for my entire life. A perfect figure, model material. not to
mention he was a calendar model too. Low and behold i got pregnant with
our first child gained 90 pounds and have been obese for 9 years now. I
had the surgery 3 months ago, now that he has seen me go through it he
supports it 100 percent. He sees how much it will help a person, and is
promoting it to everyone and anyone who is willing and wants to hear. down
75 pounds so far. Your husband needs to talk to other spouses and post ops
... he will understand better if he does and he will really support it once
he sees how happy you are once you go through it. good luck
— [Anonymous]
May 19, 2001
I could have asked your question, except I weigh 8 pounds less than you do.
:-) My husband is a natural skinny and he doesn't get it. Suzanne (answer
below) has met him and he STILL doesn't get it. So I'm not sure post-op
exposure is even going to convince him. You need to do this for YOU. Once
he sees that you are going to do it with him or without him, he will start
to come around. He may NEVER understand, but that doesn't matter. What does
matter is getting your health back. I'd be glad to correspond more with you
if you want. Oh, and I've written about my husband's attitude a bit in my
profile. Hang in there!
— Julia Z.
May 19, 2001
I wanted to have the surgery 10 years ago but my husband would have none of
it. So I put it to the side and went up to 315lbs. Then a couple of months
ago I was shopping a my favorite dress shop and noticed the owner wasn't
there. Her daughter told me she had just had the surgery. I didn't think we
even had a doctor in Alaska and I couldn't really afford to go to seattle
for the surgery. I was so happy I went straight home and made a appt for a
consult. I am scheduled for my surgery jun 18 and can hardly wait. At first
my husband balked but when he saw I meant business he began to support me.
He to has always said just eat less and excercise more but Ive lost and
gained many times and the weight always comes back. Im doing this so my
quality of life will be good for the future and it won't hurt to walk and
climb stairs. I want to live a long and healthy life. So do this for you.
He'll come around
— [Anonymous]
May 20, 2001
You are not alone. I have been married 24 years and my husbands favorite
saying is. You have to burn up more than you take in. I would like to
strangle him every time he says that. He has alway had a great
metabolism. He can eat 2 large pizza's by himself and not gain an ounce.
I eat 2 peices and gain gain and gain. So it is impossible to understand
when you don't have that problem. Unfortunatly they never will understand.
You have to say I am doing this for me. I hope one day he will come
around and be supportive but if he doesn't I can do it on my own. Let me
tell you most likely once you loose the weight he will then become very
proud and supportive then and that is not when we need that support. Go
forward with your life. I am doing just that myself. I talk about the
surgery everyday to my husband and if he doesn't want to support me at
least he will be very educated on the subject. At first my husband was
against the whole Ideal well I didn't let that discourage me I kept pushing
forward and I am hoping to have surgery within the next few months.. Hope
you can get your husband to come around befor you have surgery but like I
said. GO FORWARD.!!!!
— Bonita B.
May 21, 2001
My husband also was not terribly supportive, at first, more from a fear of
losing me than anything else. But a combination of my educating him about
the surgery, about the futility of my dieting while being MO AND no longer
being able the extreme physical discomfort and pain being MO was causing me
changed his mind. Meeting my doctor helped him deal with the issue as
well. Finally, my determination to have WLS, with or without his support,
forced him to take a real look at my situation. He slowly came around and
by surgery time he was my biggest supporter and remains so. He is so
pro-surgery now he wants me to tell complete strangers about the surgery,
tells out of state friends and family about my progress on a regular basis
(whether they want to hear about it or not). He gets really angry when
anyone says I took "the easy way out". He tells them I risked my
life to save my life and there was nothing easy about that!
— Sharyle L.
June 28, 2001
I'm still in the insurance-approval phase, but my normally supportive
husband doesn't get this one. I explained how the procedure works, and he
said, "Well, if you'd just eat that way NOW, wouldn't that work?"
This is coming from a man who can drop 15 lbs in a weekend folks. I tried
to explain that unless your stomach was made smaller no one could stick to
this eating plan. I'm sure he'll support me but he really just doesn't get
it.
— scottiemaam O.
January 6, 2002
01/07/02
I too have a spouse who doesnt understand that this surgery could mean a
drastic change in our lives. His response to me is also "well cant
you just stop eating the things you eat, and just exercise a little".
It is a little hard when you have other co morbs and two herniated discs
that keep you from functioning. I finally decided that I have to have this
surgery for me and not for him. I think that some of these men feel
threatened by us women making a change like this, and they feel that when
we do loose this weight that we wont want them anymore. The same can be
said for those unsupportive wives. I have been sitting on the sidelines
and watching life pass me by and im tired of just watching, I want to be
included. I think that if your man or mine for that matter , if they
really love us they will eventually want us to be happy , and they will get
on the bandwagon and support us. If mine doesnt stick around after I have
the surgery, then it will be HIS loss.
— fngrs132
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