Question:
Shunned after weightloss?
I've read countless profiles about WLS patients whose marriages have failed, friendships failed, work relations strained, etc..What is it about WLS that contributes to this? Why do people have such strong opinions about a surgery they may never have? No one got all bent out of shape when my Mom had cancer surgery, a hysterectomy or an appendectomy. Why is WLS such a big deal and why do people want to end great relationships because of it? My boss got weird after my surgery and I didn't even tell her about it until the day I gave notice. My 'best' friend has, out of the blue, shut me out of her life completely. I know you're all only hearing one side but when I say shut out I mean, one day she called me and everything seemed fine, by that evening, she wanted nothing to do with me and would not take or return my calls. Nothing happened, I mean nothing--no disagreement, no argument NOTHING. I told her I had a gift for her and that's the last time I spoke to her. She was all for the surgery until the day I had it, then didn't call or visit me in the hospital or for weeks afterward--that was 8 months ago. She told me that the reason she didn't call or visit was because it was "my turn" to call her?!!?!? Any help would be appreciated. — jenn2002 (posted on December 10, 2002)
December 10, 2002
hiya...{{hugs}}
my "best friend" didn't want me to have the surgery - she said
because she thought it was too drastic but then a few days pre op she said
that she didn't think we'd be friends after the surgery because i
"would change"
before surgery we had been eating partners...she wasn't obese like i was
but had a weight problem. after surgery she lost like 50lbs through diet
and i felt guilty like i'd taken the "easy way out"
she started easing her way out of my life and making excuses as to why we
couldn't get together (even tho we live next door to eachother!) i admit
that during the first year post op i was pretty wrapped up in myself and
all the changes happening to my body but she only said (one time) "gee
maybe i should buy you a mirror for your birthday and that made me think
about how i was always talking about how much weight i'd lost and how my
life was different now. i tried to pay more attention to her but apparently
it was too late. she avoided me like the plague and i finally confronted
her (while online) and she made more excuses then finally some outright
lies about my behaviour and it finally became clear to me that our
friendship was over. my husband thinks she is jealous...i think that may be
part of it. sometimes people don't want us to succeed and some people are
happy when we are down and in "need" of them -- they need ways to
feel better about themselves and if i'm fatter than she is, that makes her
feel better about herself. i also had to look at the type of people i've
been drawn to and for me, she embodied a lot of qualities that were similar
to someone else in my life that i'd never been good enough for and i was
always trying to "fix" that relationship through others...make
sense?
as far as your boss goes, i have no clue there and my spouse met me when i
was thin, loved me then and loved me fat, he just wanted me to be happy and
healthy. we are still together and more in love than ever. i think when we
are morbidly obese we involve ourselves with people who get a certain, um
not necessarily pleasure, but satisfaction of seeing us "below"
them and when we lose weight we become more confident and for me, i was
pretty self involved the first year post op or so but after many years of
being so fat it was hard not to be all wrapped up in myself and the fact
that my body was literally melting away. there are some heavy emotional
issues that we have to deal with then too -- like for me, being fat was
"safe" i found i didn't put myself on the line for people and the
attention i got was negative which just supported my low self esteem. when
we lose the weight we still ahve a lot of issues to deal with.
i don't know if i helped at all...i've now found some of the best people
through my wls support group and it's great being around ppl who've been
through what i've gone through. it makes a huge difference, no pun
intended.
best of luck to you!
{{hugs}} kate
open rny 6-14-01
pre op: 268lbs
goal: 135lbs
current: 126lbs
— jkb
December 10, 2002
OK, this question and the one posted answer have me thinking....I have
tried to be very cognizant of not talking incessantly about my WLS and only
bringing it up when someone questions me for some of the fears expressed
here. BUT....What is wrong with us going on about something that has had
such a fabulously positive effect on our lives. It is no different than
the girl, newly engaged, who talks of nothing but her upcoming wedding or
the person who is expecting or just had a baby and talks of nothing
else...IS IT? Why cant we be tolerant of others? Is it that we are
insecure and can't stand to see someone happier than we are? Just
thinking......
— Dana S.
December 10, 2002
I don't understand the jealousy in some people. A friend(18yrs.) of mine
that just got back from Costa Rica(Atrip I was to go on until I lost my
job)made sure that he sent me pictures of him noting the fact he had lost
50lbs.. The only reason I can understand that he would do this is jealousy
and what really got to me is I have'nt even been scheduled for my surgery
and the fact that he seemed very supportive at first. This has been pretty
puzzling but I guess most of us don't need people like that and we as WLS
patients have enough to worry about our new lives post-op. I hope that
things get better in your relationships and if not keep on keep'in on!
Sincerely, Keith
— Keith H.
December 10, 2002
Im 5 months post op and down 65 lbs. I've become ALOT more self-confident
and aggressive. I was confident before... but never really pushed it with
people. Im finding that I dont take or tolerate peoples B.S. at all
anymore. I will be the 1st to admit that the surgery changes you. As for
my relationships with co-workers... they seem to have more respect for me
now that Ive lost weight (they dont know I had surgery) and that kinda
makes me mad.. but maybe its because I dont take their B.S. and they see
that they cant push me around anymore.
— Valerie H.
December 10, 2002
Hi there, J! Ok now, while I am only 2 months post and 79 lbs down, there
has been changes on some fronts and none on the others. I decided that
only my family and 4 closest friends would know about my surgery, and I
swore them to secrecy! Everyone else thinks I just had a big stomach
problem that required surgery and the weight loss is a result of
"being ill", the post op diet that the doctor has me on and a way
to better improve my health, which they are techincally the truth.
<p>
All of my best friends are slender, so not one them feel a need to be
competitive. One did lose weight a few yrs. ago thru diet and exercise,
but she NEVER told me I was taking the easy way out, she's a
paramedic..studying to become a nurse and knows it's genetic. In all
honesty I don't even mention the weight loss unless they ask. With my job,
it's my business and no one else's, anyone asks, same thing, had a problem
that needed to be fixed.
<p>
The only sense of jealousy I feel is from 2 of my brothers, they are both
MO, and want to lose weight desperately, but are not ready or willing to
give up their relationships with food, I wasn't going to wait till they
were ready, I was very ill now. One seems to be to dieting more and always
asks how much I lost this week, when he hears the results, he'll usually
say "well you had help, I'm doing it the natural way" I tell him
sure that's true and congratulate him on whatever he has lost or encourage
him that he can do better next week. I don't like feel competition, so I
will bow out before I blow up. I did this for MY health and if others
don't understand that, then seriously, it's their problem. If I were to
lose a friend over this, I would remind myself that I have great support
here.
<p>
As far as marriage, now this is just MY opinion. My hubby has never been
better. He's been paying more attention to me, constantly tells me he
loves me and that I'm beautiful. He loved me when I was Big and loves me
now that the weight is coming off. I've read several posts and seen in the
chat rooms where others talk about having affairs or even leaving theor
spouses because they gained self-confidence. Personally, I think it's
ridiculous! I can understand if your spouse became violent or cheated, but
to leave them because self-esteem rouse up? They married these ones
because they felt it was the best they could find at the moment and now
they can do better. I'm sorry but that is what some teenagers usually do,
are with the person they can have for the moment! I have even heard of
ones who are leaving their spouses because they feel they can do better.
But what if on the off chance the weight does happen to come back on? Will
that person they left with still be there? You know the one that was there
in the begining would have been ! I promised to love my hubby, thru thick
and thin and that is what I will do. But also think of the people who are
left behind because their partner left them to pursue "Better
things"? Imagine what their opinions turn out to be against us? I
would hate to have to imagine. Just my thoughts. Vi
— Vi F.
December 10, 2002
Hi J,
Chances are, these relationships were rocky prior to surgery and now that
surgery is over, you're feeling better and looking better, and these people
are so jealous of you. My surgeon explained this to me on my first visit
with him. Now that I am almost 2 years post-op, I see that the true
friends will be happy for you and support you regardless. Don't let anyone
get you down. People who are against this surgery are not educated about
it. Ignorance is our worst enemy when it comes to our decision to have
this surgery.
— Kody O.
December 12, 2002
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN. WHEN I HAD THE SURGERY I HAD A
"BOYFRIEND". HE WAS OUT OF TOWN PRIOR TO THE SURGERY AND SAID HE
WOULD BE HERE BY THE TIME I HAD IT DONE...HE WASN'T. HE CALLED ME IN THE
HOSPITAL 3 DAYS AFTER SURGERY. I HAVE NEVER HEARD FROM HIM SINCE. HE
NEVER CALLED BACK, NEVER VISITED, NOTHING. IT'S LIKE HE LEFT THE FACE OF
THE EARTH. I WOULD THINK THAT HE WOULD AT LEAST BE CURIOUS OF HOW I LOOK
AFTER LOSING ALL THE WEIGHT BUT NOPE. NOTHING.
— Peggy D.
December 12, 2002
Hi J. I'm one of the one's whose marriage is, somewhat, over due to WLS.
My husband married me at my heaviest (417). We had problems before my WLS
on 1/9/02. He was an active alcoholic and only stopped drinking after a
heart attack that he has never mentally recovered from. He has never been
there emotionally (or any other way) for me. Case on point, he never
visited me while I was in the hospital for surgery!
I think what finally happened is that I got sick of being in a marriage by
myself. I don't know if this would have happened if my self-esteem didn't
improve, due to WLS, or not. The truth is that I didn't have a marriage, I
had a roommate I was legally bound to.
I will be filing papers on him this month. We are actually filing a joint
petition because he realizes that he will never be supportive (he actually
told me this). I realized that I deserve better.
Good luck and God bless you, Lisa Marie (down 206lbs)
— Lisa Marie S.
December 12, 2002
I have been MO for about 8 years and I was always aware of how I was
treated with and without the weight. What I realized being MO I was never
a threat to anyone - male or female no one took me seriously. Sexual
tension and competitiveness have a lot to do with human nature. I have
lost 50 lbs in 3months and feel so much better about myself and this is
what is being seen by others as I loose I know the jealousy and
competiveness will become more apparant.
Personally I would rather deal with their jealousy than being treated as if
I were invisible. More power to us for taking control of our situation -
that in itself is a threat to some people. I HAD a close friend who has
not called me since my decision to have surgery. She has also gained back
all the weight she lost a few years ago so I am no longer the
"fat" one. Guess this has been one way to find out who your
real friends are.
— Diane T.
December 12, 2002
Hi, I'm the question asker! I'm lucky in that my relationship with my
husband has never been better--he's been to only ocnstant in my life for
the past 8 years! My long term friends are great, it's just the one
'friend.' I have new insight now, we were food buddies, I never thought of
it like that but we had mochas and pastries together everyday, had lunch
together and snacked together. I am about the same size as she is now,
maybe a little smaller, so it makes crazy sense now! Thanks everyone!
— jenn2002
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