Question:
How do you deal with an unsupportive husband?
My husband is not very cool with the idea of me having this surgery. He tells me "All you have to do is diet and excercise you'll lose weight". How do I explain to him that this is what I want and diet and excercing don't work. — Rebecca K. (posted on April 2, 2002)
April 2, 2002
Hey, I think my husband must know yours! Mine was the SAME WAY until we
began to go to support group meetings and meet a few people who were very
successful with the surgery and he began to come around. He also sent me
to my very first consult with my best friend (who is also my Pastor's wife)
so that he could get her input on everything. He has now become my biggest
fan....he is worried, of course, because of the risks, but he was that way
when I had our kids too. Include him in EVERYTHING...introduce him to the
board, and don't hide the risks either...he has to know what he is in for.
I believe that if you make him part of the whole process...including doctor
appts., you will see a change in him. Talk to him about his fears and
concerns and you may see just how much he loves you!!
— Linda D.
April 2, 2002
Hi Rebecca... I have had the same problem with my husband. He was fine
until he heard some people die from complications after surgery. His answer
was to drink more water and not to eat in the evening. I bet you didn't
know it was that simple! Neither did I. Anyway, I have made it clear to him
that while I love him I am going to do this. I have made a point of passing
along any information I can regarding not just surgery but the deadly
issues of obesity too. He actually watched a program with me last night on
TLC about obesity. So, hang in there. If you feel good about this than you
are doing the right thing.
— Collett M.
April 2, 2002
I know the feeling. My husband is not real supportive, either. He's very
afraid of the risks, as well. I think it also has to do with his own
self-esteem or, should I say, lack there of. I think he's afraid that when
I lose the weight, it will mean to lose the " old life " as well,
meaning my old husband, etc. I have tried to calm his fears but, I know in
his heart, he's only watching out for my health. He's been a little better
lately and he has now said, that if this is what's going to make me happy,
then I should do it. He will be there, 100%. Hang in there, it'll happen
for you, too!
— [Deactivated Member]
April 2, 2002
My husband was definitely against WLS when I first brought up the subject
after an appointment I had with my PCP. In fact, he told me point blank
that he would NOT support me in any way shape or form if I decided to go
through with it. He thought I wasn't heavy enough for the surgery and that
all we needed to do was change our lifestyles a bit. Well, that was a year
ago... and even though we "tried".. I managed to gain another 20
pounds! When my health started to decline a bit because of the
comorbidities I have, I think he started to view things differently. This
is not a case of will power. Obesity is an insideous disease. Once I
explained to him the benefits of the surgery, he started to come around a
lot more. Now, he is 100% supportive. I think that they have many of the
same fears we have when we start to learn more about WLS. Keep remembering
that the reason he is against the surgery now is because he loves you and
doesn't want to lose you. And you might explain to him that yes, there are
complications with the surgery but the complications of being morbidly
obese are far greater. I am sure he will come around. Take him to a
support group meeting so he can see others who have gone through the same
surgery. I am sure he will be astounded by what he sees and he will see
that the choice you are making (though it may have some risks) is worth it.
Good luck!
— KathieInHawaii
April 2, 2002
Thanks so much for posting this question because I am also on the same boat
with you! My husband's recommendation was to just start walking around the
block every night! That is about as good as the previous post of drinking
more water and not eating dinner! For me it is helping because I have
co-morbidities (diabetes, high blood pressure) He has seen my health
deteriorate over the last few years and I am hoping that as time goes on he
will become more supportive. But you know what, it is my life and health.
This might be a blunt statement, but if I don't have his support in the
end, so be it. I am having this surgery for myself and to preserve my life.
— Joanie J.
April 2, 2002
In addition to having him attend support groups w/you. Have him spend some
time on this website. My boyfriend was always supportive BUT became even
more supportive when I found some folks on this website that looked like me
and had stories like mine.
— Yvette W.
April 6, 2002
In the end, my answer was have surgery anyway... and even post-op, the
differences were insurmountable and we are getting divorced. I am 6.5
months post-op, down around 135 lbs and we've been separated for 4.5
months. I am actually much happier now too to tell the truth. Read my
profile for more info or feel free to email me, [email protected].
Good luck, and sorry to be a downer. I would still do it again; I needed to
take my life back in SO MANY ways.
— Julia M.
April 6, 2002
Go to this site. This was written by the husband of Barbara Thompson who
wrote a book on having WLS. Have your husband take a look at that and if
he is still adamantly opposed, you may just have to go it alone.
http://www.wlscenter.com/Significant_Others.htm
— garw
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