Question:
why am i feeling guilt about losing weight????
the day i found out i got approved for surgery was also the night my girls had girl scouts. i hadn't told anyone i was even thinking about having wls because i wanted to keep my medical information to myself. well....... i was so excited because i just had found out i got approved and i told 2 of the other mothers (one is MO the other wasn't at the time) that i was going to have it done. the MO mom said "ohhhhh god why would you want to do something like that" and the normal sized mom was very nice and asked alot of questions about it because her my is very MO. since that day i have lost 130 pounds. the MO mom always asks questions and smiles to my face, but she is rude in the way she asks her questions. kinda like she is waiting for me to fail or something. the other mom that was normal sized when i had surgery is now 50 pounds heavier and won't even say hello. before i told them i was having surgery they would even search me out to talk with me,but now that i am smaller than they are they act different. my question is why do i feel guilty because i have lost weight. why do i feel like i have wronged them because i weight less than they do? i even wore baggy clothes on purpose the last time i saw them. i'm still 15 pounds from goal which would put me right in the middle of the bmi chart for my height and weight. i'm not a stick woman by any means. why do i feel guilty? have any of you felt this way? — franbvan (posted on June 1, 2004)
June 1, 2004
You shouldn't feel guilty at all. You can't change how they react to you,
all you can change is how you feel about it. Why are you allowing it to
bother you so much? Apparently these women have nothing better to do than
begrudge you for no real reason. It's their loss. That probably doesn't
make going to meetings any easier...I'm sorry! Really, you're allowing them
to shame you into wearing baggy clothing! Don't give them that much power!
If they see they're not affecting you, they'll eventually direct their
insecurities elsewhere. You've done a great job so far and I've witnessed
you supporting people on this site very often-you are clearly and wonderful
person. You have done nothing wrong.
— jenn_jenn
June 1, 2004
Be proud of your accomplishment. Wear the clothing that you want to wear,
and don't allow them to begrudge you of that. Seems they are both having
self-esteem problems themselves, however, that is their problem, not yours.
Yes, you can understand where they are coming from because you have been
there, but don't allow their attitude to get you down. You chose to take
control of your situation and is something that you can be proud of. Janice
Hall
— betterfitness
June 1, 2004
I have worked VERY hard as have all of us to lose this weight and yet I
feel like you do...I found myself yesturday on the phone saying to my
daughter in law when she asked how much I had lost that I was
sorry...EXCUSE ME..She is MO and so I felt bad..I realize that is silly but
somehow I feel like I have been blessed and dont deserve it..Must be the
years of being MO creaping into my thoughts.
— Kathy S.
June 1, 2004
<b>There's no way on Gods green earth will someone steal my joy. You
have made a decision for your health and have been successful in doing it.
be proud. Those ladies and folks like them have their own issues, plus they
are not true friends cause friends don't act like that. If they continue to
act funny you have to decide to lose this heavy weight also.
Congratulations on your success.</b>
— B4real
June 1, 2004
I feel the same way! People who I told that I was having surgery don't ask
me anything or compliment me on my weight loss. People who I didn't tell
about my surgery may ask me what I did to lose weight but don't seem to
compliment me either. I was going to a picnic on Memorial Day and would
see both people I told and didn't tell. I found myself worrying about what
they would say. I wore a baggy sweatshirt so hopefully no one would
notice. No one said anything even though I did notice my sister in law
look me up and down. I plan on discussing this with my psychologist at my
next session to see how I can overcome it. Good luck!
— cat5dog1
June 1, 2004
Whether we want to admit it or not--losing weight so dramatically after
having been MO for a long time does change us and change our relationships
with those around us. I strongly believes that part of the journey is to
learn to not deny your new feelings of joy and success while understanding
that there are those who are threatened by your changes and just don't
understand the changes you're undertaking and some may never understand.
That's sad, but that's human nature. Don't feel guilty hon. Celebrate
your change, but just understand some people don't understand the changes
in you.
— Cathy S.
June 2, 2004
POSTER: i thought about this alot last night because it bothered me so
much. i think the reason i feel guilty is because i lived with the pain of
being MO and know what it feels like. in social situations i always felt so
uncomfortable. no one had to make me feel uncomfortable because i was doing
a good job of it myself. i hated going places for fear of being the biggest
in a room...ya know?? i just don't want to be the person who makes someone
feel as bad as i did. i know it's crazy and i can't control how others
think and feel, but it still makes me sad. this experience has been one
that i would have never thought could happen. i guess it is one of those
"things" that i will have to add to my already long list of
changes that i must learn to deal with. thank you so much for all your kind
words and for making me feel i'm not alone in the way i feel.
— franbvan
June 2, 2004
You shouldn't ever feel guilty or feel that you have to apologize to anyone
for the choices you've made. You did this for your health and well-being.
If someone is unable to handle that and the "new you" it is
totally their problem. I tell everyone who asks that I had surgery to lose
weight. I get many different types of reactions, which is fine. But I
never let anyone's opinions or reactions get to me. I KNOW that I did the
right thing, whether or not anyone else feels that way. Just be a duck,
and let it roll off your back. In this case, guilt is a totally useless
emotion. Enjoy your new life! Lap RNY 9/11/03, 270/170/???
— Carlita
June 2, 2004
Fran!!!
First congratulations on your success. Please don't let anyone steal your
joy. You have worked too hard to wear baggy clothes. You have made a
conscience decision to eat healthy and you have been blessed so why
sabatage your own success? Although I completely understand myself.
Throughout my journey I felt horrible when I went shopping with MO
friends(although they never belittled me and always complimented me) I just
didn't want to hurt their feelings. I even went to restaurants and ordered
huge amounts of food just to show them that I didn't change. 200 lbs
lighter, I asm starting to realize that their is nothing wrong with
celebrating your achievements show off your new figure. btw you have
chnaged your appearance not your heart!!!! keep up the good work!!!!
— ilovelauryn
June 2, 2004
Fran - I just want you to know that I understand exactly what you are
saying. I especially related to your second posting (below) about
remembering the pain of being MO and not wanting to inflict that pain on
anyone else. I have been so conscious of being private about my weight
loss and not talking about my weight or size or food or anything especially
around some people at work who are MO and struggling. There are a couple
of people who have said NOTHING to me, even as I've lost over 100 lbs. and
completely transformed into a new person (physically). I just had plastic
surgery including a LBL. Yesterday, I tried on the cutest outfit but
didn't buy it because I thought it would emphasize just how slim I am now
and I didn't want to "rub it in anyone's face" (so to speak).
It's a strange psychological phenomenon. I'm also dealing with smaller
breasts since my plastic surgery a month ago and I don't want to draw
attention to that either. I'm just not wanting to draw attention to
myself, I guess. But anyway, I'm rambling but I want you to know that you
aren't the only person who has felt guilty about receiving the gift of WLS
and all the perks that go with it. I'll be wishing you well...
— [Deactivated Member]
June 2, 2004
Fran, First of all let me congratulate you on your weight loss success!
You have to realize a few things, first and foremost, this woman is not a
"friend" of yours, merely an aquaintence. The sooner you come to
think of her that way in your mind the better off you'll be. You have to
ask yourself, if you ar the kind of person who lets other peoples opinions
affect you (ie. make you feel guilty) than perhaps you shouldn't tell
people about your surgery. I personally don't care what other people think
and those whose opinion I do hold in high regard I know would never be rude
to me...I like to call these people my friends. I have a select few who I
have known my whole life and who are extremely supportive, everyone else is
an aquaintance. I amnot saying that as a bad thing, but there are just
certain people in ones life you know you can always rely on and that's why
they are your friends. Your friends may not always agree with you but they
will support you. I say let go of this aquaintance of yours, you are better
off in the long run. Be proud of what you have accomplished and don't let
anyone make you feel guilty about your success!
Sherry
— sac287
June 2, 2004
I am almost two years out of surgery and from time to time I hesitate
talking aboutmy experiences with WLS in front of my morbidly obese friends.
I can tell they think that people will turn to them and say "Why don't
YOU do it too?" WLS is a very personal decision to make and some
people are very content with who they are or they are not ready to make a
commitment to ANY weight loss attempt - surgical or otherwise.
I will tell you this though. I have found that both before AND after my
WLS, that my thin friends and colleagues were MUCH more supportive than my
heavier ones in regard to my decision to have surgery. They couldnt wait to
take me shopping for new clothes. On the other hand, I had a morbidly obese
friend say "I love myself too much to do that to my body" to
which I responded "I love myself too much NOT to to it for my
body". She later said to me that she didn't want to be the "fat
one" of my group of friends. When I had been heavy, I was her partner
in crime and now my life isn't conducive to poor eating and no exercising.
I still get leered at by heavy co-workers almost two years after the fact.
I have had people "back stab" by saying that I think I am
"all that" (a term I despise mind you) because I lost weight.
The truth is I have become more confident in who I am. I stopped losing
weight 10 months ago after a weight loss of 115 pounds. I havent gained any
weight either. I am at goal and am maintaining nicely. My BMI is 21.9 and I
have NEVER been in such good shape in my life. I work out 3 days a week for
2 hours at a time. I am on a stairmaster for a half hour, an elliptical
cross-trainer for a half hour, I do an hour of functional weight training
and 500 crunches in groups of 100 at a time. There is noone in this world
who can say I didnt earn this body I now have. I have transformed myself
into a new person. After I stopped losing weight, I knew that what the
surgery did for me is done. I continue(d) to lose inches and gain muscle. I
have toned myself and I have a figure I am proud of. DO NOT LET ANYONE RAIN
ON YOUR PARADE!!! You have earned every pound you lost and if they can't
handle it then they arent your friends.
— Bunnie
June 2, 2004
I'm with you. You not being you discomfits them, I think. My surgery was
in 1994 and my d-i-l and her family are all MO. She hated the concept. Then
she wanted WLS, but had the wrong surgery. She is prolly over 400# today
(5'2"). She suddenly said to me, "You're the ONLY person that is
glad they had this surgery, you know!" Well, um, there are 2 of us (my
dh) and we're both happy about it, and somehow I just suspect we are not
the only ones. Her parents DO have the right ins and their lives could be
saved by WLS. My ex was MO (my kids and grandson are almost there) and
died at age 49. He also had the right ins. My d-i-l HAD the right ins at
one time, but didn't want WLS. Now she does, wrong ins. But now she
doesn't. (ARGH!) My son may have potentially gotten a job with the RIGHT
ins, at last. I hope she can organize her "want" with her ins.
She may however, choose a different doc just to be, well, her. And she may
not get the same result and I spose that will be my fault. sigh. I also
dress to hide my figure when I'm around her or her family. I make very
little mention of my freedoms or limits. I just eat, move my food around.
This is the place we work to look the most "normal" because it
infuriates them so much. Now, don't ask me why, because shortly, every one
of them can do it and we have some of the best docs in the WORLD here. But
there ya go. Been trying to figure it out for a long time now. And yes,
they are all waiting for us to fail. When my SLD, I swear I read glee. But
I didn't gain, got fixed and life went on. Did I disappoint her/them?
— vitalady
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