Question:
can any one help me.....??????

I am in the process of getting my consults done for my first meeting with the Dr. who will be doing my surgery.My husband and I have just now been able to sit down and talk about the surgery, he is in the navy and gone a lot, but now he told me he is jealous and thinks that the surgery is all consuming my life.He supports me having the surgery over all but admits he is having a problem dealing with it all. He wants me to be healthy and happy but doesn't want to have to tell our small sons that mommy died while trying to get skinny....so what I need right now is some advise on how to support my husband because I am doing this no matter what but I want him to be comfortable.Is there any one out there who understands what I am saying...help please...Mary    — alexjakemom (posted on December 8, 2002)

December 7, 2002
First of all, you are not having this surgery to 'get skinny'. You are doing it to be healthy. What better gift could you give to those three precious sons? They will have a mom who can participate in their lives rather than just sitting on the sidelines watching them. Without the surgery, will you be around to watch them grow up, graduate from high school, be at their weddings, spoil their children? Yes, there is a risk to having this surgery, but there is a much greater risk to staying morbidly obese for your whole (and probably shortened) life. All the best to you.
   — garw

December 8, 2002
Ask your husband if he'd rather tell your sons that mommy died because she was too fat. You're guaranteed to have a shorter life as a MO person, but just a sliver of a chance something would happen with surgery. The odds are on the side of you having surgery. Best wishes to you in your journey.
   — Angie M.

December 8, 2002
Well its like this and im going to use me as a example ok, Ive been going to the Dr every year for yearly physicals and this year I have been diagnosed with Type II Diabetes, Hypertension, High Cholesterol, and I had to think long and hard about this because ive done all of the research read a million articles , But the one thing that made up my mind was my Children, I have a 21 year old Graduating from college next year, and a 14 year old who will graduate high school in 4 1/2 years , and i want to be there to see that, I guess what im trying to say is This surgery is a tool to improve my Quaility of life, I dont want to take medication for the rest of my life if i dont have , Most of all have Faith and Pray about!.
   — Barry Q.

December 8, 2002
umm i do not mean to seem harsh but it seems to me that your husband likes the fact you are over weight. it makes him feel safe to leave when the navy calls. he does to have to worry so much about what you are doing! if you loose wieght and are slimmer and prettier other men will want you and he will lose his fat-net which he has around you now. using your children to try and keep you from having surgery is just another example of where his head is. i'm sorry but i have seen this happen so many times. some men try to be supportive but in truth they are not! some men, note i say some, not yours like to have a fat wife/girlfriend then they can use the "your fat and should be greatful to me for having you mind game.." and unfortunetly many obese women feel that way and put up with terrible treatment because they feel they can not do better or they feel they deserve it in some way! it is quite sad. and all you can do is reassure a mate that you love them and no amount of fat or lack of it will alter it. when the man is less insecure about his posistion in the relationship things work out! when they can not adjust, they leave often trying to make it seem like it is the womans fault for loosing weight or wanting too! arugghhh!!
   — janetc00

December 8, 2002
You say your husband wants you to be happy and healthy. That says it in a nutshell. This surgery will certainly make you both happy and healthy. He has a right to be concerned that you may die during surgery-there is a small chance of that happening. But there is also a chance that you will die next time you get behind the wheel of a car...as someone else mentioned previously, being healthy and happy is the best thing you can do for yourself and for those young sons of yours. That should make your husband understanding...
   — Cindy R.

December 8, 2002
Ask him if he would rather tell your children Mommy died from complications of being fat, and didn't have the surgery that could have saved her life because daddy was afraid. All surgery has risks but in our case NOT having the surgery is the BIGGER risk. Communication is the key, You need to talk to your husband and make him as comfortable as you are with you decision.
   — dkinson

December 8, 2002
When I first told my husband that I got a referral from my PCP for a consult to my surgeon, he was not very receptive to the idea even though two of our close friends had already had the surgery. I didn't push the issue with him, I just let him think about it. However, I didn't change my plans, I kept the consultation. He didn't go with me...but he started asking me questions about the surgery and why I really wanted it. After several weeks, he began talking openly. He said the big issue was my "getting skinny". I explained it was for my health. I showed him the literature my doc had given me including diagrams, etc. We also discussed his fear of my dying and him having to raise our two little girls. When it came down to it, he was afraid of losing me if I got "thin" and he was afraid of my dying. Somewhere in the middle of waiting for insurance approval and our continued talking about the surgery, he became my biggest supporter for my weight loss surgery. He still is. He was there in the hospital (day and night) and he was so helpful to me after the surgery. Maybe a little time and a lot of communication might help. Good luck!
   — lezawomack

December 10, 2002
WHEN YOU HAVE THE W.L.S.,, IT "DOES" CONSUME YOUR LIFE,, MOST OF US HAD BEEN HEAVY A LONG TIME,, HAD RESIGNED OURSELVES TO A LIFETIME OF OBESITY,, THEN W.L.S. COMES ALONG AND CHANGES EVERYTHING.. BUT AS YOU HIT GOAL, AND WITH TIME THE OBESSION DOES FADE.. MY WIFE HAS SAID THE EXACT THING TO ME.."ALL YOU EVER TALK ABOUT IS YOUR WEIGHT LOSS, YOUR SMALL CLOTHES SIZE, HOW GREAT YOU FEEL".. AND AS I LOOKED BACK AT IT, I WAS DOING THAT.. MY WIFE WANTED THE W.L.S. TOO. BUT SHE HAS SERIOUS HEALTH ISSUES, A PROBLEM WITH HER IMMUNE SYSTEM, AND MY SURGEON TOLD HER HE WOULD NEVER OPERATE ON HER.. SO WITH SOME OF MY TALK I'M SURE MADE HER FEEL BAD, LEFT OUT,, BUT I LOVE HER NO MATTER HOW BIG SHE IS, LIKE SHE LOVED ME WHEN I WEIGHED 425#'S.. ME BEING AT GOAL AND WEIGHING 180# HAS NOT CHANGED THAT.. BUT I UNDERSTAND HER FEELINGS.. AS TIME HAS PASSED MY CONSTANT TALK ABOUT ME ME ME HAS SLOWED.. AND WE SELDOM TALK ABOUT IT THESE DAYS.. BUT I FULLY UNDERSTAND HOW IT CAN, IN THE EARLY DAYS COMSUME YOUR LIFE.. IT DID MINE,, A YEAR OUT LIKE I AM.. WELL YOU JUST GET BACK TO TALKING ABOUT YOUR DAY TO DAY LIFE..BUT IT DOES BREAK MY HEART WHEN MY WIFE SAYS THINGS LIKE,, "IM FAT AND YOU'RE NOT,, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SEEN WITH ME".. I UNDERSTAND SHE FEELS THAT WAY NOW SO I WORK ON LIFTING HER FEAR OF REJECTION.. GOOD LUCK
   — bruce M.

December 10, 2002
Yes I was consumed,mostly preop, with WLS. I read everything I could get my hands on- my husband complained about my compulsivness-I would spend every available minute at this site. My family and friends were just sick of hearing about it and I didn't want to burden them any more, so I came here. ! Now as a post op- I come here everyday, but the obsession is lessened- It is just such an exciting beginning to a new journey for us-we are all consumed! I think it is just human nature.
   — ~~Stacie~~

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