Question:
What Would You Do?
Hi Friends, I had an experience today that I didn't quite know how best to handle. I've posted recently that I gained 15 pounds when I started taking hormones but other than that my weight has been stable. Well, today I was taking a bag with 5 20 ounce Dr. Peppers in it to my husband who works in the same building I do. (He just drinks one a day) Anyway, as I stood in the elevator with a woman who works for the same hospital I do she said "Have you gained all your weight back?" It seemed like fifty thousand emotions ran through my mind all at one time. I wanted to burst into tears. I wanted to knock her teeth out. I wanted to look at myself in a mirror. I wanted to say something really nasty to her. But, because I was at work and because I don't think being equally insensitive is the answer to this problem I just answered "No, Ma'am." Here's my question...........What should my answer have been? Should I have diplomatically pointed out to her that her question was insensitive? She I have asked her why in the world she would have asked me that? Don't tell me I should have knocked her teeth out because that's not a reasonable solution. I'm genuinely looking for a way to respond to something like this. After it happened I came back to my office and sat at my desk and reminded myself that the tag on my scrubs still says "MEDIUM" and that I'm not the old Rona but my heart hurt so bad. Please help me with an appropriate and reasonable way to deal with people who are so insensitive. I need to be able to help my patients with problems like this too. I was just so shocked I couldn't say anything and that made me mad at myself. What would you have done? Thanks as always! — ronascott (posted on April 26, 2004)
April 26, 2004
I have had a couple people ask me about regain. I tell them my story, with
details of pre op 313/ bottom at 179 looked bad, and whatever my current
weight is, presently thats 188 and the very highest was 205. I explain WLS
requires a lifestyle change with exercise to keep the weight off. I
actually use the opportunity to educate folks and honestly it doesnt bother
me at all. I guess if I gained 50 pounds back it might really bug me, but I
am NOT going to let that happen. I have educated LOTS of people at my
grocery store job. Unfortunately for now business is slow, and I offered to
cut my hours to ZERO, since there are hard working single parents and
people with car payments that really NEED the bucks. Oddly enough right
afdter confirming my hours were cut today my elderly neighbors asked if I
could cut their grass. Both in their 80s I am happy to help out, again for
the exercise. Theyt are ion a fixed income and probably cant afford a
professional lawn crew, ME I work for free! Its part of giving back
something after this saved my life. Same reason I volunteer here!<P>
I was challenged once with a shopping cart full of candy:( It was for my
wifes job, I told her someone would notice. Her nurses floor was having a
party and I ended up getting the goodies:) I explained what was happening
and found it amusing. I try to not let things bug me. Life is too short....
— bob-haller
April 26, 2004
I would have put my hand over my heart and said "WHAAAATTTTT
You mean to tell me that I look like I've gained all one hundred and
something pounds back, pleaaasssee for the love of peace don't give me a
heart attack, I know I have some hormone problem right now but do I look
that bad"?. Then after she said" oh no I didn't mean to
imply" I would have said "Oh but you did. and when she left I
would have laugh my head off. BTW you look great don't let one insentitive
person ruin your day remember people are looking for us to fail, don't let
every little comment bother you. Good luck
— Rebe W.
April 26, 2004
I would have answerd: "No I haven't gained all my weight back. Have
you?" But then, I can be not so friendly at times. ;)
— RebeccaP
April 26, 2004
Geeeeze!! I'm always shocked at what people think they can say. You know
she wanted to hurt you, because normal people know what's appropriate to
say to people. I know that when hit on the spot you're speechless, but I
would go back to her and say calmly and nicely. "I think you have to
be one of the meanest people on this earth to come up to someone and ask if
they gained all of their weight back." "People that purposely
hurt others, are hurting themselves, I'll be praying for you" and walk
away. I wouldn't let her get those last nasty words in
— ZZ S.
April 26, 2004
Oh Rona ~ I am so sorry that you had to deal with such an ignorant person!
I would have been so pissed and hurt! I probably wouldn't have known what
to say to her right off, but give me a few minutes and I would have
bombarded her with a lecture on ignorance! Hold your head up high!
— Terri G.
April 26, 2004
I went to a dinner with some old friends last February. We usually see
each other once a year at this gathering. Of course, most people there told
me how great I looked. Except for one person who said, "You look the
same to me." Now, everyone there knew I had WLS, and I just chocked
it up to this person being unintentionally tactless and let it go. I think
you did just fine. If she was looking to get a rise out of you, she didn't
succeed. If she was just one of those people who likes to see someone
else fail, she looked in the wrong place. Personally, I don't think it
would be any of her business how much you have lost and kept off.
— koogy
April 26, 2004
Maybe the "B" was blind. I looked at your profile and your BMI is
24 so you are obviously no longer obese, so don't let her bother you.
— Tawnda C.
April 26, 2004
How anyone could say such a horrible thing about such a beautiful person!
Yes, you are beautiful outside, but the beauty behind those gorgeous eyes
and smile tell us just how beautiful you are in and out!!!!! The truth is
sweetie, some people are just mean and insensitive. We are all just humor
and I think you handledin the best possible way! Some people live off of
others being hurt and miserable because....they are just that.........hurt
and miserable! Hold yourself up, walk tall, and thank God everyday for the
beauty He has given you inside as well as the outside!!
— dawn J.
April 26, 2004
Of course any response you give, should begin with the "b" word.
I think you answered it fine. Recently, I was at a clinic getting my blood
taken and the woman who was taking it noticed it was from a weight
loss/obesity surgeon so she asked..."Are you going to have that
surgery?" Now, I am in a size 8 pants and 10/12 tops. No way would I
qualify for that surgery. I'm not sure why she said it, she was pretty
obese herself, but it stunned me and sent me running to the mirror. People
are going to be jealous and rude. I told the woman that I had already had
the surgery and let it go. No reason to sink down to their level.
— Lisa N M.
April 26, 2004
We would all be knocked senseles by that comment. I get it, too. I have a
slight swing, but wear the same clothes. I also get the feeling that anyone
who asks me if I've gained is trying to get under my skin. Bob, Bob, Bob,
you MAN, you. lol You gotta understand that the comment to a woman is
utterly devastating, even if she had actually LOST another 5#. That's just
the way we're wired. I would ALSO be at my desk stunned, checking my tags.
I think it's a normal reaction to this type of question. I can't tell you
what you should've done, Rona, as I can't think with a knife in my heart
and/or back, either. But you can know that your lil sugar bump is NOT
"all your wt", and that today is not tomorrow. And if you lost 20
of the 15 you've oozed on, would she stop you to comment? NO WAY.
— vitalady
April 26, 2004
i would have said- "oh my god yes i've gained back every pound and
now i weigh almost as much as you do!"
water off a duck's back..............
janey
— Jannie N.
April 26, 2004
When someone is rude and/pr insensitive to me, I tell them straight up:
"I hope that no one is ever as careless with your feelings as you have
been with mine." If they weren't aware of how much sting was in their
words, they are now fully aware and usually very apologetic. If they were
aware and were being catty, it let's them know you are above their level
and yet you are not going to sit back and allow them to treat you
horrendously. People will be people.
— jenn_jenn
April 26, 2004
Rona, Does it help to know someone who would be that cruel must me in a lot
of pain. I know that doesn't excuse her insensitivity. My favorite response
to a comment so ignorant is,
"I am sure you are doing the best you can with the information you
have." It kind of leaves them baffled.
— Chris L.
April 26, 2004
My thought is this woman is jealous of your success. I've had people make
stupid comments but I just consider the source and know that THERE stupid!!
— Patty H.
April 26, 2004
You guys are the best. Thanks for all the wonderful answers to my
question. I had a support group meeting last night. Being the leader of
the group I broke the cardinal rule of "Support Group Leaders
Shouldn't Talk Too Much About Themselves" and told the group about
this incident. Their reactions were much the same as yours. I'm glad I
held my tongue with the offending lady but wish I could've had some of the
snappy comebacks you guys have offered here. Unfortunately, Michelle hit
the most painful nail on the head - If I lost 20 pounds she probably never
would've commented at all. I have finally begun to see that her ignorance
and rudeness is HER problem and not MINE. I've pulled the knife almost all
the way out of my heart. I've been thinking of printing some business
cards that say something like "People may not always remember what you
say but they will always remember how you made them feel.....today, what
you said made me feel sad." I could keep them in my pocket and just
hand them out when people have a "stupid" moment. It wouldn't be
rude but maybe it would be eye opening or make them stop and think. Thank
you again for all your kindness and uplifting words. Michelle I can't wait
to see you in June. Best wishes to all.
— ronascott
April 26, 2004
OMG! JANEY! That is HYSTERICAL!
— ScottieB86
April 27, 2004
Rona, I'm sorry this happened. I know how hurtful and shocking it is when
someone is so completely insensitive and out of touch. I can tell you what
I did in the same situation. I ran into someone from my previous job (where
I spent 14 years fat and one year losing 135 pounds after my wls.) It was
last summer before, I started the South Beach regimen, and my weight was up
about 15 pounds from my lowest point. What she said was "Are you
gaining all your weight back?" I was totally shocked and hurt, but it
was also pretty clear that she was hoping for a "yes." So I just
said "YOU WISH!" I walked away while she still stood there with
her mouth open. hugs, Ann .... RNY 9/10/99....260/124
— [Deactivated Member]
April 27, 2004
You know, I'm famous for coming up with good comebacks to garbage like that
waaaay after the fact, and then beating myself up over not thinking of it
on the spot.
But now, reading the responses you've gotten, girl, print this out and give
it to the "B"!!! I'm pretty sure she'll learn a thing or two!
— christied
April 27, 2004
Here's one: "Oh! Thanks for noticing! After getting that call from
Ford Modeling Agency offering me a contract with the stipulation that I
needed to put on just a few pounds to get the best jobs, I've been working
really hard!"
— keva M.
April 27, 2004
Rona, I had met you sometime back at a support group meeting hosted by
Michelle Hagan. I know that you have been through alot of dark dark
valleys in your journey. But keep in mind, you are able to SEE what the
sizes say but you can't never see what may come out of people's mouths.
Ignorance is bliss for that poor soul, but as long as you know the truth,
just let it slide. Sometimes silence is the stongest answer of all!!!
— Bea J.
April 27, 2004
Rona, You are always so supportive to everyone here, I wish I had the magic
words to make your hurt go away. A long time ago I read an Ann Landers or
Dear Abby response to a similar question and she suggested "If you'll
forgive me for not answering, I'll forgive you for asking". It's most
effective if you give them a long, silent stare first (which speaks
volumes). Or say it with an incredulous "I can't believe you're
asking me that" laugh instead. Either way it gets the point across.
Keep your sunny side up -- you're an inspiration! Julie LapRNY 12/11/02
290/190
— Jules B.
April 27, 2004
Thanks for turning a hurtful situation into something that's made me laugh
and smile ALOT! I pondered this alot last night and this morning and I
decided to order some pretty business cards. On those cards I had this
printed "Never underestimate the power of a kind word or deed. People
may not remember what you say but they will remember how you made them
feel. Today what you said to me about my weight hurt me and made me feel
sad. Next time stop and think before you speak. May you have a blessed
day." I figured I'd bundle them up in bundles of about 15 cards and
give them to my patients. That way when people let their mouths get ahead
of their brains we can just hand them a card, walk away and avoid any
awkwardness. Maybe it will make people stop and think. Thanks again for
your sunny, funny responses!
— ronascott
April 27, 2004
I like Rona Scotts answer I would probly told her no I have'nt and for
future reference that was a very insensitive
question...sharon
— Sharon L.
April 27, 2004
What would I have said? I would have just stared at her and said nothing.
You however did the right thing. I would be curious to know if this person
is overweight herself. She sounds VERY jealous.
— SJP
April 27, 2004
I would have said "Not all of it. Have you stopped using your
deoderant? Because there's a definite funk in this elevator. I have no
tolerance for insensitive people.
— TexasTerra
April 27, 2004
Rona, this is off-topic, but did you used to design earrings and sell them
in the Bessemer area? If that was you, I want you to know I still have
some of them that I wear often. What a hoot!
Sandy
— SandyParker
April 27, 2004
Rona, I looked at your photos on your profile and beginning/ending weights.
Goodness, a 15 pound weight gain, and wearing a size medium is so very far
from where you started. Was this woman blind? Did she know you at your
heaviest? If so, I would have replied, "no, I haven't, did you forget
your glasses again?" or "I'm sorry, sweetie, you need to have
your eyes checked". We are always stunned in situations like that and
can never think quickly enough but the more we think about it, the more
replies we come up with only they are long after the situation passes!
There are lots of insensitive people out there, sometimes I wonder if they
know what they are really saying and if their intent is as bad as its
received.
— Cindy R.
April 27, 2004
Off topic answer Sandy - yes that was me!! How cool is that??? It's a
small world isn't it?? See ya.
— ronascott
April 27, 2004
Well I guess Men are truly from Mars and Women from Venus, Just as that
book said. I look at such questions as a opportunity to educate people. One
never knows it might have been a real question wondering how successful
surgery was. She might have a close friend or family member who is MO and
looking for a solution. Besides I KNOW sometimes I word things wrong:( The
amazing things is how I get BOTH feet in my mouth at once. Just the other
day I attempted to tell a close friend who is pregnant she looks good. It
came out that she is huge, or some such (((_)_&&^*( She has known
me forever and I apologized. both feet in my mouth again:( What I am saying
it might have been a question about how your doing that came out bad. I
sure can do that myself:(
— bob-haller
April 27, 2004
Boy, judging from the number of responses, we all know how you feel.
However, just know she is an ASS with a capital A. Some people just are
asses and there is no help for them. Please excuse my language but I want
to knock her teeth out for you.
— [Deactivated Member]
April 27, 2004
You've received many good replies - here's mine. If you run into her
again, I'd look her straight in the eyes very calm, very friendly, and say
"you know your comment about my gaining all my weight back, was very
insensitive, I was wondering why you would ask me that, since I lost XXX
amount of weight. Obesity is a disease, I was lucky I found a tool that
will help me control it with a lot of effort. I'm not upset, because I
know a lot of people are simply uneducated, but in the future, you might
think about that comment I'd hate for you to upset someone who was not as
strong as myself. HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH - "SOME" females are very
jealous and vindictive to each other - hopefully she won't find herself in
our shoes one day. I never insulted anyone but never did I think I would
become obese either.
— Anna M.
May 5, 2004
What a bitch! That woman has a serious self esteem propblem of her own.
You, my friend are just fine. If you want to set her straight, it's your
call. Sleep on it though. It may not be worth the trouble. Better to
focus your energy on positive things, like the wonderful success you have
had. We all fluctuate somewhat, and if you have been eating too much, get
your head around that and make it right.
That woman IS jealous.
((hugs from me))
Diane
www.WeightlossSurgery.ws
— DianeN
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