Question:
What's happening to me?
I feel so empty. Like there is not a soul in the world who understands me or even really cares about how I feel. I am crying everyday lately. I am worried that I might not have this surgery. I am worried about my daughter. I have nothing to wear for work this morning because my last work pants just ripped in the rear when I bent down like the rest of them.I'm a freak show. I am a mess and I don't have anyone to talk to. How does one cope?! I don't know what to do. How can I keep living like this?! — Samar M. (posted on May 15, 2002)
May 15, 2002
You are not alone. I've been there myself many times. You need to make an
appointment with a psychologist for some therapy. Sounds like you are
depressed. Many of us have been there. Actually, I still take meds for
depression. The important thing is for you to get some help as soon as
possible. Ignoring it will only make things worse. Please make that call.
God Bless You
— Peggy D.
May 15, 2002
So sorry to hear you are feeling like this. I would bet that most of us
have been there, that's why we go to drastic measures such as surgery.
First of all, when I was feeling like this I went to the doctor and he put
me on some depression meds. I didnt need them long term, but just long
enough to get me out of a slump. Keep working on finding ways to get the
surgery if that is what you have decided you want. I went to your profile,
do you not have any insurance? If not, I have heard that there are some
programs out there to help people like you. I wish you luck, I wish I
could say something to make you feel better, but I have been there,
everyone's cheery words never really seemed to help. Keep working on it,
things will work out if you just keep trying.
— Cory F.
May 15, 2002
I've been there / done that... still doing that a lot of times. Don't take
it personally, but please go see a therapist.. You're not alone, nor are
you a freak. Every one of us who's applied for surgery has worried about
not getting it, every one of us has worried about our family, and *ALL*
obese people have worried about their clothes (let's face it, clothes
aren't easy to come by, they're not cheep, they're definately not always
"fashionable") Try the chat room, we've all been there, or are
there because we know someone going through the same thing.. but don't
forget to see a counselor.. they can get you on a prescription drug to
"help" you :) Good luck on your journey :)
— Elizabeth D.
May 15, 2002
Hi Samar...I know exactly what you are talking about. This past week and a
half has been especially bad for me, but thankfully I have great friends
that I can talk to when I need to. I really think that it would help you
tremendously if you would go talk to someone...is there a psychologist in
your area that you can go talk to? I know that my depressions stems from
being stressed out about whether or not I will get insurance approval. But
I really think that you need to go speak to someone. It really does help A
LOT. Don't just let it go and think it will go away and get better with
time. The more time you waste, the worse off you will be. Good luck to
you and if you need to talk, please email me at [email protected]
— Giovanna G.
May 15, 2002
i know exactly how you feel. sometimes i get so sick of myself that i have
these huge temper tantrums and get my whole family upset.i feel like it's
not fair that i have to live like this while the beautiful/perfect people
of the world get to walk around on cloud 9. sometimes, though, we need to
take a step back and realize that everyone of us is here for a reason. try
and find some good in yourself. it may seem impossible but i'm sure there
is something that you like about yourself. when i bust out of a pair of
pants before work (which has happened too often) i cry for a minute and
then pick myself up and think about what great kids i have or what a great
husband i have for making me laugh about things like that. you should
definitely find some kind of counciler (sp?). if you ever need a friend,
feel free to email me. i've had many embarrassing moments! the trick is to
get through them. keep looking forward to your surgery and do bug your boss
about insurance. you need to take care of YOU!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!
— nikki R.
May 15, 2002
Boy can I identify with you. Last night I attended a play at the school for
my grandson. I was so miserable throughout the whole entire thing. I was
sitting on a chair that was only supoorting half of me, my legs were
aching, my back was aching, I felt that everyone in the room was looking at
me. I kept looking at the closest door wishing I could escape. I also
wonder how much longer I can go on like this. Sometimes I do not want to go
anywhere but shut myself in the house until this is all over. You are not
alone there are many of us out here in the same boat. We have to support
each other and realize this too shall pass.
God willing next year we will all look back and give a little sign and say
Thank You God for getting us through.
Good luck and keep on keepin on.
— Leah S.
May 15, 2002
Sometimes life seems to be a very hard place. I want you to know that you
are not alone. I think we have all gone through the times that all we do is
cry. Have you talked to your family dr. Maybe he can give you something to
help you feel a little less depressed. My thoughts and prayers are with
you. Please feel free to e-mail me if you just need to talk or just have
someone to blow off steam to. Is there someone close to you that you can
talk to? Don't give up. Things usually have a way of working out. Sometimes
it just seems to take a long time. God Bless and keep you safe.
— Carolyn L.
May 15, 2002
I can relate to exactly what you're saying. Like the other poster, I went
to my son's school concert last night. I have a hard time fitting in their
chairs and the longer I sat there, the bigger I felt. Even though the
place was packed, the one seat next to me was empty. No one wants to sit
next to a fat person! Regardless of how we feel, though, our weight is just
a number and should not define who we are. WE ARE WORTHY--God says so and
God loves us, regardless of how we look and how much we weigh. I read on
your profile you are worried about insurance coverage. I have heard of
people getting it covered through Vocational Rehabilitation Services. That
may be an option for you. When you feel like giving up, pray--pray for
comfort, strength and peace. God listens and he will answer your prayers!
— Want2bslim
May 15, 2002
Samar--I think everyone that participates on this site can relate with your
feelings. Personally I've been there and its a constant fight to stay
"up" but you need to be as strong as you can during this time.
Keep your sights on your goal--ask God for a little help. As for
clothes--this site has a clothes offering, perhaps you could look into
that? Its easier said than done but try to pull yourself out of the
depression--dont focus on not having the surgery--focus on having it and
improving your life. While you are waiting on the approval you could
research all the elements involved with the surgery. I will add you and
all the other members of this site to my prayers that everyone is happy,
safe and healthy on the journey. :o)
— Bambi C.
May 15, 2002
Samar - I know exactly how you feel. I have been struggling with
depression as well. I have found that taking an anti-depressant helps
tremendously. Also, try going to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. Don't
listen to what they say about your surgery, because I don't agree with them
about mine and I wouldn't like to see them change anyone's mind about it,
but it is a great way to begin to feel good about yourself and who you are
even when you don't feel like it. They have a saying: We will love you
until you can love yourself. It helps to have a relationship with God. He
will get us through. He also gives us the ability to love ourselves, even
when we don't. Do you know that He created you? Do you know that He
counts every hair on your head? He knows every detail about you and still
loves you. I hope and pray that this helps. Don't allow Satan to destroy
you, just when things are going to get better.
— Debra G.
May 15, 2002
I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I have been there personally and
know how it feels to be in the depths of despair. I chose counseling and
antidepressants for a period of time with the assistance of my PCP and
therapist. There are many prescription options available to you that can
help you. I have also participated in Internet support groups and met many
people I could talk to "anonymously" and get unbiased input.
Best wishes, and I hope you feel better soon.
— [Deactivated Member]
May 15, 2002
(((((( SAMAR }}}}}} A big, warm cyber hug from afar - MAN, I know exactly
how you feel. Your not a freak show - if you can manage it, try not to say
things about yourself like that. I know exactly how you feel though - I
was at work about 1-month before surgery and I bent over and my daughter,
who works in our office as well said, mom - you have a rip in your pants.
It was some ribbed pants, stretch with elastic of course (I'm still wearing
the same kind)and the stitching was completely out of them. I had been
struggling to get this surgery handled for over a year - fighting with the
insurance company & whatnot and that's all it took. I was so
disappointed, in pain both physically and mentally and just embarrassed
that I was at work with my big o behind hanging out. You know what I did?
I went home, put on some sweat pants and went up to the closest big Momma
store and bought 1 pair of the biggest pants I could find in our small town
- they were size 32. I am of the firm belief that our outside shell is not
what makes us - it's our inside. I know A LOT of really thin individuals
who are some of the most hateful people I've ever come across. I know
times get tough, I KNOW it and it seems like, at times, when things are
going their crummiest, someone does or says something that makes it even 10
times worse. The worries that you have in regards to your surgery and your
daughter, that's completely normal. I often refer to this surgery as the
emotional roller coaster of Life. The waiting before getting approved or
finding the money to have it, it hard on the emotions. After getting
approved, a whole new set of worries comes into play. After the surgery -
again, a whole new set of concerns - I think it's what they call Life and
at times, I get so frustrated with it. If you can learn to get through the
obsticles rather than fight your way through them, I promise you, it will
help. There are a lot of people within this support group that are
completely connected due to the sisterhood of obesity - it's a tough thing
to go through in life, alone and this website certainly helps to give us a
common ground with other people. Reach out like you did - look at the
responses you received - I bet you 3 out of 5 of these people, if not more,
have been in the place that your at now. Use our strength to hang on to
and we'll get through this as a team. Let me know if there is anything I
can do from an email or phone call away - I'd be glad to help. May bright,
brilliant blessings be poured over you today - may you see the beautiful
person you are, as you are, today.
— Lisa J.
May 15, 2002
Samar - I am so with you on this! I know exactly those feelings you have.
Sometimes I still feel like a freak show when I walk into Wal-Mart...and
some snot-nosed kid stares at me mouth agape and eyes bulged. Try to cheer
up - try not to concentrate on all the crappy stuff that can and has
happened and focus on the great stuff that WILL happen. You are a
beautiful person, a wonderful person who deserves the best. Just breathe
and think all the happy thoughts you can. I know it sounds strange, but
sometimes when I'm sad or depressed I imagine 'Pamland' a magical fantasy
land where I have the body of Cindy Crawford and the money of Ross Perot!!
Good Luck - {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
— Pamela P.
May 15, 2002
Hi Samar, I wish I could give an answer that would magically take away your
pain. I read the other responses and just sat here in tears myself because
we all know what it is like to live like this. Don't doubt yourself and
give up on this surgery, it will change your life. I don't know what size
you are but I sometimes tell others this who are scared of the surgery, if
I can do it and make it anyone can. I was so afraid of not making it
through the surgery at all but one thing to remember is that they aren't
going to do the surgery if they have a concern for your health. They
checked me out thoroughly and I even had many problems, sleep apnea, high
blood pressure and mild asthma. Also I was 543 pounds and scared out of my
mind but I felt the way you did, I was depressed all the time and losing my
ability to cope. I was so close to having to quit work and go on disability
because it was an effort to get up and get ready for work everyday, then
the walking at work, I just didn't think I could go anymore. I had an
aweful time even finding clothes to fit and only had a few outfits to wear
so I kept them clean and made them last as long as I could. I am down to
380 pounds now in 10 months and I still feel huge but I am working hard to
change my life and I feel so much better already. I am walking again and
able to do my own shopping again it feels so good. I get down even now
because I felt like I haven't been losing fast enough but I try to remind
myself that it will take time. Don't give up on yourself, you are worth it
and you are special, remember that. I wish I could help more, I want to
just reach through and give you a great big hug, so here it comes
........squeeze!!!!!!!! Take care and I wish you all the best.
— Monica F.
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