Question:
Has anyone had issues with trusting the opposite sex?
I am a natural born worrier. I am hoping to have surgery in February. I am 26 years old and single. I am concerned that if I lose all this weight,and then meet someone, it will be hard for me to beleive he loves me for me. Like, will I always be thinking " he wouldn't have liked me if i was still fat." Anyone that has experienced these neurotic issues, please let me know. — amyarlene (posted on November 7, 2002)
November 7, 2002
Good Question!!! Hmmmm let's look at both sides, cuz I'm having the same
questions in my head right now. I'm 31 and single. I don't want to meet
anyone right now because I am fat and I don't FEEL like my true self. And
even if I did meet Mr.Right now, I am not really in a good place to make
those decisions with everything going on. After surgery and my weight
loss, how will I be able to trust that this fab guy who wouldn't give me
the time of day is now asking me out is really genuine? I guess you just
have to trust yourself and your gut feelings. I think for me, my therapy
for the eatting issues will help with the other issues as well. There are
no guarantees in life, you just need to make the best desions you can.
I'm not sure if this helps at all, but at least you know your not alone in
your feelings....best wishes, Aims
— chickiewickie
November 7, 2002
I too have worried about that same thing..luckily i have met someone who
accepts me now and will accept me after the surgery as well..of course im
still afraid that maybe he doesnt actually love me but i just believe lifes
to short to worry about things coz im also a HUGE worrier..i just figure if
it doesnt work out then its his loss and i WILL find someone who does love
me..as u will as well :)
— christine S.
November 7, 2002
Amy, when you have the surgery and get to a place you want to be don't
worry about if he would have liked you if you were fat... Enjoy yourself...
Don't look back , look forward. I used to think the same way and some days
I still do, but right now I want to be happy, I'm not going to worry about
the "what ifs" I just want to be happy. Now I look for guys
with great personality, one who loves children and respects women. The
superfictal ones can stay where they're at, and you'll know the one because
they are the one who always want a supermodel on their arm.... and alway
talking about sex...The good ones take their time. Oh yeah, When I go out
... Any guys who make fun of other people I dropped like hot cakes. You
are young and got a long way to go in life...Enjoy yourself and don't
worry...You'll meet that special person and you'll forget about all the bad
ones..... Been there, done that....God bless.
— Rebe W.
November 7, 2002
Hi Amy, I am in that spot right now. At 28 and single I find I am very
critical and picky when it comes to dating, even though I haven't really
started yet. But I have been approached many times and I think "they
wouldn't have given me a second glance before" and I HAVE TO get past
that, and I think I may need professional help to overcome this. I also
worry about telling future dates about my past...I have read many men/women
are turned off by the fact we were once obese-granted, this would not be a
person I would WANT to date, however, it was still put out there on the
message board so I have that in the back of my mind. Bottom line, I think
we are going to deal with these issues and some people may be able to
accept the "new" them and let the past be in the past, and others
(like myself) may need counceling to get through it. I am just about at
goal now and having some big issues with this.
— Alli B.
November 7, 2002
Hi. I know what you mean. I wonder the same thing sometimes, but then I
remember that there were always people who accepted and liked me, even when
I was at my heaviest, just as there were those who didn't. Now that I'm
"normal" there are people who like me for who I am, and people
who don't. I'm just starting to get into the dating thing, 23 months
post-op, after a rather amicable divorce (NOTHING to do with WLS). I'm
afraid, but I've also been lucky to be starting something with a person who
knew me when I was huge. He has shown more interest now that I'm not obese,
but then again, I'm just newly single. Is it because of the weight or the
marital status? Who knows? I do know that while I've been very self
conscious about the extra skin, he's been wonderful about it. He accepts it
as part of me. Maybe I'm just lucky, but if I can be lucky, so can you. You
can never really know a person's motivation, but as someone else said,
you'll know if it feels right. Good luck.
— Maria H.
November 7, 2002
Let me play devil's advocate for a minute and say this, just because
someone was with you while your fat still doesn't mean he/she had your best
interest at heart. Some people prey on overweight folks because they think
we may have a low self-esteem and that we should be glad that someone is
showing us interest be it real and true or just to use your for their own
selfishness.
Live for today, and don't worry whether someone wouldn't have been
attracted to you when you were fat, that is irrevelant now thatyou've lost
the weight. Just be you and love yourself 1st and then others will love you
whether heavy or slim. If you go into a relationship with negative
thoughts then in will likely have a negative outcome.
— keaton
November 7, 2002
A question to pose to yourself....When your thin, would YOU pursue a
morbidly obese person?? Probably not, unless that's a body type that you
like. Once you've lost the weight, you start feeling better about
yourself. That good self esteem will show to others and you will star
attracting different types of people. Everyone is attracted to different
types of people. Some like thin people, some blond hair, some like curvier
figures, etc. My point is you can't judge someone if they like you when
you become thin, particularily if they didn't know you when you were fat.
YOU will be attracted to men that you probably wouldn't have had a chance
with when you were morbidly obese. Does that make you a bad person if you
become involved with them?? NO!!! And does that make them a bad person??
NO!! I felt crappy about myself when I was fat. I never felt worthy of a
really good looking guy because I was fat and weight was an issue. Now
that I'm thin, I know I don't have to worry about weight being an issue for
a guy or for me. I feel better about myself but I will tell you, it takes
a LOT of time to feel good about yourself. I still have bouts with poor
self esteem at times. I still see the fat person, not the 125 pound
person. Good luck to you.
— Patty H.
November 7, 2002
Hi, I think Patty hit it on the head..it's all about feeling worthy. Ok,
this is just my experience so far...I, like you, worried about the same
thing. I am seeing a guy that I met in July, but I've "known"
him for about 8 years, and what I mean by that is that I knew who he was
but never would say anything to him. I realized something when I was
getting know him. I
never said anything to him because I didn't feel worthy - I couldn't
understand why on earth he'd want to have anything to do with me because I
was so big. He told me that he always noticed me when he'd see me around,
but I would never approach him, even when he'd try to talk to me because I
didn't want to deal with the rejection I knew would come. I told him I
never would because I didn't think he'd be interested in the old me...he
told me that I should have because I was beautiful then, and even more so
now..I still find myself not trusting his words sometimes, and I'm working
on it, he tells me I worry to much...lol.
— lily1968
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