Question:
Whats it like dating when you are thin?

I'm in my late 20s and Ive never really dated. My weight has always made me uncomfortable in social situations (bars, parties, etc.) so I mostly avoided them. Now that Im post-op and losing weight Im about to face the dating scene for the first time with a thinner body. I feel nervous about it and dont know if things will be any easier than they were when I was heavy. Its always been my understanding that men are hung-up on women having a thin body so I continue to worry that if I am only able to lose 70%-80% of my excess weight it just wont be enough. Can anyone share their experiences with me to help put my mind at ease.    — [Anonymous] (posted on December 20, 1999)

December 20, 1999
Hi, Just thought I'd give my two cents here =) I am married and not looking at the dating scene but I went out to a bar a couple of weeks ago, the first time since having surgery in July. I am down 80 pounds, from 251 to 171, and let me tell you...the attention that I got was incredible. By no means am I Skinny Minnie but I am not huge like I was 5 months ago. Before I lost the weight and went to bars, I was the one who sat at the bar watching the drinks while everyone else was asked to dance. I was the one who spent all my money on MY OWN drinks because no one wanted to buy the "fat girl" a drink, for fear of being linked to her. This time, when I went, I spent no money on drinks, I was asked to dance more times than I can even remember. At first, it felt good to be noticed as a "good looking" person. But the next day, it dawned on me that I was a beautiful person then, but just heavy. I still had this great personality then, but just heavy. I still loved to dance then, but just heavy. And you know it kind of made me mad!!! But that's what our society has taught us, to be thin is beautiful...Even though I was and still am a beautiful person, inside and out. Just now, I am not covered in as much fat as I was before. I'm over the anger of the insult of it, but it's a reality. People don't see the inside first in a heavy person, they really look to the outside first before getting to know the beautiful person within. I hope this helps. I guess all in all, be careful. You may find that there are people out there who could care less about how heavy you used to be but there are still fat-phobic people out there who wouldn't care if you lost it all, if you were fat they still see you as fat. Just becareful and know that you may have the same feelings of anger that I felt that first time. I hope I haven't lost you along this long and drawn out posting LOL...Take care and Good Luck to you... Marni
   — Marni

December 20, 1999
I would just say this on dating. You will get compliments. So don't get so happy over the first few compliments that you are willing to go bend over backwards for the person. In the dating scene sometimes compliments are just a line to get with you. But skinny girls get dumped too. Just take the compliments for what they are and just be very selective. Since you are new to this you need to know the serious guys from the jerks who just want one thing. So just take your time, say a sweet "thank you" to those praise givers until you understand the scene. Then you will truly know who is really appreciating you for the princess that you truly are!!!!
   — Toni K.

December 22, 1999
I am so proud of you lossing all of your weight, I wish I was in your shoes. But I am here to support you, I have not had the surgery yet but soon I hope. You are thinking with a fat mind and with a thin body, you have to think with both, girl you have what you have sat out for so go out and enjoy yourself because you deserve it. Now its time to reward yourself.... GOOD LUCK
   — Lisa L.

January 1, 2000
First I must say that any man that can't deal deal with a little weight, deserves to be with other shallow minded thin people and you would only be hurting yourself by trying to please such loosers. I'm 34 and a guy, and I feel your concerns. 10 years ago I lost 165 lbs. (Of course I gained it back in the blink of an eye.). The biggest problem I had, as others have found out is even though the weight was gone, I still saw myself as being fat. I still have never allowed myself to be loved... How could I, since I don't love myself, how could anyone love me. We have all spent most of lives learning to hate ourselves, but what can be just as hard as loosing the weight is creating a new self image. I have always hated people because of thier universal narrow minded selfishness, but the biggest obstacle to love is not them, it's ourselves. Give yourself a break, if you do, you will find just what you're looking for... Ah, by the way, how would you like to meet a soon to be thin guy in Arizona with lots of love to offer? :~) Please take care, Brett
   — Brett S.

January 1, 2000
Have you not dated, because no one has asked you out? Or because of your fears? I had plenty of dates when I was 500 lbs ... problem for me, was, that most of them were "chubby chasers" (as some call them) who only like large women ... the larger the better, so they always tried to sabatoge my weight loss efforts by taking me to dinner with outrageously fattening meals, and bringing me food and sweets as gifts, for desire of intimacy and SOMEONE anyone to love me, I usually accepted what I got, whoever asked me out, I went. I finally got to where I wouldn't date anyone who wasn't totally supportive of my efforts to improve myself, and accepted me for me nothing more, nothing less and not for something they expected of me. I had to get real selfish with myself and real picky about who I allowed to be with me, so that I didn't find myself focusing on what they wanted, but what I needed ... which was to lose 350 lbs! As I lost more and more weight, the attraction to others got much stronger, as I became more confident and loving of myself. The attraction other people had for me became stonger too ... not because I was skinny, which I am still 75 lbs away from, but because I had become a much more confident and vibrant woman. I am now with the man of my dreams who loves me for me! He doesn't love me because of the shape of my body, but supports my desire to get the rest of my excess weight off. He also tells me if for some reason I cannot get the rest of the weight off, it doesn't matter to him, he loves me, not just the package! By the way ... this man's ex-wife is a tiny petite woman as are his daughters and he's never weighed more than 175 lbs! The biggest fluctuation in weight he's had was 10-20 lbs when he was in high school, for football! The best thing I can tell you ... is to concentrate on your weight loss do everything you can to stay on track. I have always been completely honest with possible dates, that I've had surgery to help me with my weight loss efforts, and if it comes to going to dinner or something, I explained that I can only eat very small healthy meals at a time, and I cannot eat sugary things or drink any alcohol to speak of. I also, kind of "screened" their motives for wanting to go out with me ... I didn't blatently ask "HEY Why do you want to be with me anyway ..." But I'd listen for clues that they wanted me to be different, or whether they were just genuinely interested in me. Best wishes!! Keep up the good work! Do it for you, not for anyone else.
   — Sherrie G.

January 9, 2000
i feel for you. i myself am in the same boat as you. i have never and i mean NEVER been on a date. i really wouldn't know what to do. but at least you have had the courage to even ask this question that too is something i have not ever been able to do.
   — deborah H.

January 31, 2000
Don't worry. Things have a way of working themselves out. Although I also am waiting to have the surgery, at 280 lbs., I have no lack of attention from men from all walks of life. There are the ones that like you because you are fat. There are the people who like you no matter what you look like (The Best People in the World). There are the others that like you, but don't want to be seen with you because you are fat. And then there are the ones who don't even acknowledge your presence because you are fat. In my honest opinion, any man (or woman) who does not date or take the chance with a fat person only because they are fat, those losers are not worth having. They are a waste of your valuable time and love. Those kind of people are as two-faced as they can get. But with all things in life, you have to be careful. With all the greatest happiness in the world, there will be sorrow. You cannot have one without the other. Be strong. Be positive. Most of all, be happy. And if that guy or girl doesn't like you because you're fat, just say, "And what? You thought I liked You???"
   — TarynRa

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