Question:
The more weight I lose, the lonlier Im starting to feel...
I'm single and postop and Ive lost a good deal of weight. Im getting nice comments from coworkers but i still have a long ways to go. My problem is Im feeling very, very alone and I cant eat to make myself feel better. I want to go out and start meeting people but I dont know how. Ive hardly ever dated and rarely have seen the inside of a bar or club. In addition, I dont have any single friends who I could turn to and go out with. I live in Southern California and get intimiated at the thought of simply walking into a bar by myself. I know Im sounding pretty pathetic right now but I cant sleep and was hoping that maybe someone on this site could point me in the right direction of a BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) club for singles so I could hang out with people who wont have an attitude about my current weight. — [Anonymous] (posted on March 31, 2000)
March 30, 2000
Hi there ! I'm sorry you feel so alone tonight.Most everyone here
understands all too well. However I have a suggestion, name something you
always wanted to do but felt awkward because you were to big(i.e. Scuba
diving, dance lessons, softball league) and go join in! You will meet
people, get active, and have fun. Hang in there !
— Ronda L.
March 30, 2000
Maybe you can find some people in the group from your area to go with you.
Also you might look in other places besides bars, church groups n things
like that. Also use email to help. You can always email me if ya need to
— snicklefritz
March 30, 2000
I have two friends that used reputable dating services and
had really good results. One couple ended up marrying after
staying together for 3 years. If you are shy or unsure of
yourself around strangers you may try this option.
— kaydeeb16
March 30, 2000
I know exactly how you feel and I also know you were not saying
you are not looking in bars but intimidated by them. I too find
it uncomfortable in bars and sometimes even eating establishments.
You walk into a bar to have a drink and all eyes are on you because
most everyone in there are the size of toothpicks. All I know to
tell you is things will change. There is no sure fire method but
as you lose more weight the more self confident you become. Soon
very soon the right person will come along and you will be better
equiped to handle it. Give yourself a break and take a breath.
You have only just begun this journey and there is a long wonderful
road ahead with lots of new experiences. Sit back and enjoy the ride
and know you have a friend. There are lots of people in you boat with
you. It just seems like your alone but you're not. Don't try to rush
the rest of your life because you are in a vulnerable place right now.
Give yourself time to get strong or you might end up rushing into
something that is not what was intended for you. Stay cool and if you
feel like you are sinking, roll on your back and dial home. We are here
for you and you can write me anytime. God bless and keep you through
this journey to it's best results for you.
— Jen L.
March 30, 2000
Most of us have hidden behind our large bodies for most of your lives. food
has been our friend. Once we have lost the weight we may feel alone. What
you are experiencing is totally normal for "people like us". I
would recommend that instead of looking for people at a bar, how about
finding others through your interests....check out your local adult
education courses, take some golf classes, do you have any support
groups(alot of states and hospitals offer support groups for people who
have had gastric by-pass surgery)these can be a good way to meed people.
Hang in there, it is totally normal to feel as you do.
you have friends here......
— twenc
March 30, 2000
((((((hugs)))))))) I so totally understand where you're coming from! I
went through the same thing - I had surgery, and I *felt* better about
myself and was ready to embark on another journey - a relationship! I
didn't know where to start, because I don't drink and therefore bars are
not part of my social scene... and the men I met (through work and social
activities) just didn't seem interesting. So I did something kind of
weird. I posted an ad on the Yahoo personals! I had talked to sooo many
people who met their mates through personal ads, so I thought "what
the hell, I'll give it a shot". I didn't have too much success at
first - some of the guys were boring, some were creepy, some were just not
my type. I sorted through dozens of responses, talked on the phone with
five or six of them, and went out on a date with two. Nothing. No
fireworks, nada.<br><br>And then the miracle happened. I saw
Peter's ad, and felt like he'd written it just for me. I sent him a note
directing him to *my* ad, and he wrote back and said that he felt like I
had written it just for him! We e-mailed back and forth for a few days,
then talked on the phone for a few days more, then decided we had to
meet... and it's been magic ever since. He's a PhD candidate in computer
science, brilliant and funny and loving... and I am the luckiest girl in
the world to have met him (in fact, if anyone's interested, there's a
picture of us on my peer page - just click on my
name).<br><br>I know how hard it is to make friends here in
SoCal - it's a big place, and can be pretty intimidating. I can't get in
touch with you, because your name isn't on your post, but I would enjoy
meeting you and hanging out for fun stuff! Please write to me.
— Kim H.
March 30, 2000
Search the net for "big beautiful connections' and 'big beautiful
woman'; there are many active chapters across the country. The group in
Wisconsin/Illinois has regular dances (about every two weeks), has planned
pool parties, camping, ski & tobogan (can't spell), and lots of fun
trips - I'm sure there is an active group in your area. How about
voluntering at a Planetarium? or as a docent or architectural guide for
your City? or a Theater? There are lots of fun things to do alone -- where
you'll meet and interact with lots of people - all you have to do is put
your fear aside for a little while - there may be a moment or two of
discomfort - but not as much as the agony of being lonely.
— Toni B.
March 31, 2000
It's ok if you want to go to bars, I mean it's not a stigmatized thing just
because you sort of like that atmosphere. Do you have a sister or married
girlfriends to go with? You know, I sincerely believe that when you are
ready your soulmate appears. I met my fiancee at a furniture store where
we both worked. I knew he was the one. Another words don't be discouraged
if you don't go to the apropos places to find someone because you can meet
someone in the grocery store, library, emergency room, wherever. I think
when we're very overweight the future looks bleak especially dating. I
know it was that way with me. But now that you're losing weight you're
open to meeting new people instead of being a hermit. YOu're choosing to
broaden your horizons. Do you like to take classes? Personals are also a
place that proves to be successful for many men and women-just meet at a
public place in the daytime. There is no reason to feel lonely. Take upon
yourself some of the suggestions posted here. If you just do 2 things to
meet new people(say answering an ad and attending a big beautiful women
outing) then right there you've accomplished something. Happy trails,
Jennifer.
— [Deactivated Member]
March 31, 2000
Dear lonely - you are not REALLY lonely because we are here to support
you!!! The dating thing is something many of us have or will experience.
My surgery date is May 10, and I haven't had a real date in about 15 years.
One thing that has gotten me through though is having a lot of busy
activities to do. Are you interested in a place of worship? There are so
many opportunities (including for just singles) for fellowship and support
and fun! Have you ever just driven past a place like a park or tourist
attraction or museum and said, gee - that looks interesting. Take the
plunge. Where I live we have very good parks with walking and biking
trails (all fitness levels), flower displays, park events like wildflower
hunting, bird watching or trash pick up, etc. Do you have a young niece or
nephew or neighbor's kid you could "adopt"? I live vicariously
through my 5 year old nephew and have a ball! Sometimes I'm not sure who
is the kid and who is the adult. Also, check out your local community
centers or adult education courses. They are generally inexpensive and
offer anything from basket weaving to computer programming to furniture
upholstery. Try the weekender section of the newspaper and look at
upcoming activities. Do you have a special cause you would like to get
involved with - politics, homelessness, hunger, women's issues, etc. I
don't do bars either - nothing wrong with them - it's just not my scene,
and I can't handle smoky places. I think the real issue is not that you
don't have options - the real problem is going for it alone. You fell
awkward doing something yourself, and I REALLY can understand and relate.
I have a great group of friends, but most of them are married, and being
single, we just don't have the same time or life priorities. Sometimes I
just get on my own case and say, it's a pretty day, Paula - get off your
butt and do something! To make it more comfortable, make an appointment
with yourself and give yourself a time limit. For example, if you want to
go to a bar, say to yourself, ok, I will go on Saturday night from 8-9 pm.
That way, if it's not really what you had in mind, you "have
permission" to get up and leave instead of sitting there wondering
awkwardly what to do all night. Try a few things and you'll be surprised
how many new friends you meet along the way. One of my best friends told
me something very wise. She said that getting involved in friendsips or
relationships is about being open to the possibilities that they will
happen. I wish you the very best of luck!!! The weekend is here -
enjoy!!! And SMILE - we love you!!!
— Paula G.
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