Question:
How do i get me husband to understand the medical need for this surgery, and get more
support out of him. All i get is it's your body do what you want. Or i get, you look fine to me. (not realizing i don't look fine to me) He just feels have my stomach altered is wrong and unsafe. I have tried showing him some before and after of people (mainly men) and still nothing. This is something i really want to do, but i know for this to work i need home support. so please help — gidget F. (posted on June 19, 2001)
June 19, 2001
Hi, I don't have a husband, but I have a boyfriend who was very shocked and
apprehensive when I first started talking about this. He felt that it was
just too drastic for me to do that to look better. He really didn't get
that I wanted to "feel" better. He totally thought everything
was a-okay and didn't realize the problems and lack of life that being this
overweight causes. Part of my bringing him around was talking to him about
the things I wanted to do that I can't do now. Like, scuba diving - they'd
have to tie an anvil to sink me, travel more, walk places, enjoy moving.
Slowly, he started to get it and now is very supportive. I'm not saying
that's the answer, but it might help. My sister is dead set against me
having the surgery and basically has resigned to "it's your body"
to me. I have been unable to convince her that the health benefits
outweigh the risk. Some people just refuse to be convinced because of
their own issues. I think my sister wants me to stay fat because if this
works, maybe others will push her to do it (which is not true, it isn't for
everyone). I would try to find out from your husband where exactly his
fears lie, and focus more on how you will be able to DO more. Maybe when
he sees you are doing it to change the quality of your life, he'll see that
as more worth the risk then just looking good.
Best of luck. Meredith
— Meredith P.
June 19, 2001
My husband doesn't understand either. I have been trying to find a company
where I can rent one of the "fat suits" so my husband can wear it
fo a day and get an idea on how it feels to be 100+ lbs overweight. Men
seem to think that it is all about getting into a 2 piece and showing off
you body to the world. I sorry, but I could care less about being a size 5
I just want to be able to walk from my house to my car without running out
of breath.
— richter454
June 19, 2001
Hi:0) My husband was all for it until we went to a informational meeting
and then he was totally against it. However, I just continued to do my
research on it. Whenever there was a program on about Weight loss
surgeries I'd watch. He'd go to the computer to play a game but I could
see he was turning around watching the program. However, I think what
really changed his mind and "attitude" towards this surgery was
when he had to go to our family doctor for something and the first thing
our dr. said to him was how's the wife? She had the surgery yet? And then
they talked for about 30 minutes on ME! He finally saw how important this
was too me and that I wasn't going into it with my eyes closed. He knows I
know all about the pro's and con's of this surgery. He knows I know the
possible complications. Now he's doing everything he possible can to help
me get this covered! However, I won't lie I did make him a deal. If we get
this covered and he's with me on this...he can shave his head! Ugh..but
hey I'm getting what I really want and so is he. LOL.. It's hard for
husbands to understand but once they get more information on it and see how
important it is to you I believe the can come around. Cuz my husband did a
big 360 on me...best wishes....
— WIBlueyes
June 19, 2001
He's right in a sense. It is YOUR body and YOUR life. It would have been
nice to have his support, but this is a personal decision, and you're the
one who will benefit or be harmed from it. I'm married and I'm fortunate
that he understood, and he also gave me enough space to research and decide
for myself. I admire him for that, but some of my other family members
spoke out against my decision and I know they love me, but in the end I was
the one who had to live with my choice. You know how being an obesed
person makes you feel. Go with your heart, and your husband will
eventually understand. Good Luck!
— Tonya M.
June 19, 2001
I can't say how to get your husband to be more supportive. But don't
forget those of us around here, are here to support you too. My husband is
1000% behind me, though he has that "It's your choice" attitude
too. Maybe you can make a friend in your area who's had the surgery. My
husband has seen my friend, and post-op, Amie Vardaman go through the
post-op transformation of the last three months and the more he sees the
more he's interested in seeing me more healthy. He's starting to
understand that at the weight I'm at I am not healthy and will eventually
die from my co-morbids. Or maybe try asking him to go to a support group
meeting in your area? Even if he won't go, you need to go so you know you
have the support around you =) This is a decision you will make for you,
not him, not for your daughter.... But I know how hard it is to have your
children look at you "this way" Keep your chin up and keep
working him up, and hopefully he'll come around.
— Elizabeth D.
June 20, 2001
I was having some trouble with my husband at first but now he is 100%
behind me. I think the turning point came when I got him to sit down with
me and listen to how carrying this weight around everyday makes my life so
difficult. I explained how much more active we could be together after the
surgery. He knows how much trouble my hips and knees give me. But the
bottom line is none of us would go through the pain of this surgery if it
wasn't a last resort for us. We are desparately in need of help. By the
time we finished talking he said he would pay the whole 40,000.00 for the
surgery if he had to. And that makes me love him even more. Good luck.
— Jolie M.
October 29, 2001
Mine is still iffy. He want's me to do what I think I need to do, but
sometimes he still thinks there must be something else I can try. I think
he forgets about the health issues since I don't have a lot of
comorbidities and just focuses on the looking better rather than feeling
better. I useually remind him that we can't go on roller coasters
together, because either we wont fit together or I won't fit at all. That
killed me since we both are MAJOR roller coaster fans. Be patient with him.
Men deal with things differently. Plus, mine has told me he doesn't like
the idea of them "chopping me up". It's mainly a fear based
thing. He Loves me & doesn't want anything bad to happen to me, and
feels in a sense like we do. We're stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Neither option is ideal, but at least the surgery gives me a chance that I
might not have otherwise. :)
— Beverly M.
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