Question:
Why is divorce so common in WLS patients?
— Gene F. (posted on April 7, 2003)
April 6, 2003
It has been said that WLS makes strong marriages strong and weak marriages
worse. A lot of times people will get married (or stay in a
less-than-desirable relationship) because they are MO and are afraid that
they won't find anyone else. Then when they lose the weight, they realize
that they can do better. Other times, a MO spouse losing weight will
trigger insecurities in the spouse that will cause the relationship to
crumble...JR (whose marriage is better than ever)
— John Rushton
April 6, 2003
I agree with everything John R. has to say. Women especially tend to put up
with more crap when fat.
— SarahC
April 6, 2003
Its bad if just one of a MO couple gets WLS and the other refuses. This
frequently leads to break up. For many WLS improves our lives. More able to
live and feel good it enhances our marriages as well. Sadly it not always
the outcome but to get healthy the risk is worth it.
— bob-haller
April 7, 2003
It is a sad state when one gaines their health but loses a relationship. I
am going through this right now myself. When I started out at 315 lbs. I
put up with a lot from my significant other. (we are not married but have
been together for 10 1/2 yrs.) Now that I am healthy, happy and full of
self esteem this seems to threaten him somehow. I won't put up with a lot
of the verbal abuse I use to put up with now because as stated above, I NOW
HAVE TONS OF SELF ESTEEEM!!! So after all of these years we are splitting,
but the one's getting hurt more by this breakup are our 2 children 3 and 9
yrs old. However, they now have a mother that is not so insecure, that
KNOWS she can take care of them and they will be in a more healthy
environment without all of the fighting, yelling and name calling. Hope I
haven't rambled too much.
— gloriafb
April 7, 2003
I agree completely with the "good marriages better" part of the
theory. My spouse and I had been through countless diets and commitments to
loose weight on my part. He was supportive and long-suffering through it
all. He had doubts about the wls because I think he was afraid to trust
that it would work; we had been through so many failures. I had severe
health and mobility problems (GERD, arthritis, plantar fascitis) and it was
affecting our family life. (We are older but with younger children.)
Everything about our life and relationship is better now. It's wonderful to
be healthy and strong again. We have always been a good team; now we are a
GREAT one! hugs, Ann rny 9/10/99 260/124
— [Deactivated Member]
April 7, 2003
The divorce rate for WLS patiens sounds very high. Sometimes it is quoted
at 50%. Unfortunately, this isn't much different from the divorce rate in
the general population. Any major life change, such as the birth or death
of a child, a shift in financial status or any other stressful event can
start a chain of events that leads to divorce. I think it is important to
be especially protective of your relationship anytime something big happens
in your life and the time following WLS surgery is certianly one of those
times.
— Amber L.
April 7, 2003
Gene, that's a good question. The way I see it, if the WLS involves the
husband OR the wife, I believe one or the other begins to start feeling
insecure. They have become so used to us being obese and I feel (just my
opinion) that no one would want us or pay us any attention at certain
morbid weight ranges. Then BAM!!! We have a new body, a new attitude, a new
personality~~we're beautiful (we always were, no one was willing to see
past the exterior). We're getting compliments and everything. It really
feels good to break out. In answer to your question though, I feel the
spouse becomes insecure that the wife or the husband will leave them.
— yourdivaness
April 7, 2003
Physical or mental abuse aside- I think the hormones loss due to weight
loss that we generate messes us all up temporarily (I compare it to mid
life crisis)... at that instant you need counseling- but many do not go for
it, thinking what they are expiriencing is "new life due to WLS"
or "liberation from all that is wrong"... but when they get
further out and their bodies and minds and hormones get back to normal- I
think they are more receptive to see that it was just a temporary thing
they went through. I think the rapid weightloss also makes us a bit
irrational. I also think the advice AA gives once an alcoholic gets sober
is the best- don't make ANY drastic changes or decisions in the first
year(s) of sobriety. They are not always the right decisions and sometimes
it is hard to see the forest for the trees.
— Karen R.
April 7, 2003
I think part of the reason divorce can be common is because the incredibly
low self-esteem of MO people can contribute to their willingness to stay in
a bad relationship or put up with more than they should, then after weight
loss and increase in self-esteem they are able to say to themselves that
they deserve better, and they leave, when before they may have been to
emotionally afraid to leave. If you are afraid of this happening, talk to
your spouse about it. My husband and I had a huge fight 2 weeks ago over
stupid stuff, and when we finally talked about it it finally came out that
he was worried I was going to 'get skinny and leave him'. I told him if I
wanted to leave him I would do it while I was fat and to have confidence in
our marriage! :) If there are issues you think may be a problem in the
future, start addressing them now before the stress and overshadowing of
the weight loss can cause them to become major blow ups. Hope this helps!
— beeda
April 7, 2003
My surgeon asked me how my husband felt with my weight loss. My husband is
very happy for me and loves poking at my boney hips that once were padded
with fluff(sounds much nicer than fat)My surgeon said some marriages end
because the weight loss spouse all of the sudden wants to go out and get
buck wild while the other spouce is use to a life staying at home.
Lifestyle change I'm sure plays a big part. My husband knows I don't need
the fat to anchor me down and keep me by his side. I love the attention
from other men but his attention is the best!
— Michelle H.
April 7, 2003
When I told my PCP I was definitely having the surgery, he asked me if I
new the #1 side effect, I said, I think so, what is it? He said
"Divorce. People realize they're married to a schlub and don't need
to be." Very well said, right?
— msmaryk
April 8, 2003
Divorce is common, even if you never have WLS. One out of every two
marriages ends in divorce in the U.S. However, speaking as one who has
endured a couple of really rotten marriages and FINALLY managed to find the
right person and maintain a good and lasting relationship, I can tell you
that obese people accept a lot of emotional and other abuses that non-obese
people will not tolerate. I personally believed that I was "at
fault" in certain situations, or that I could "fix" whatever
was wrong with my marriage when I was obese. I accepted situations because
I truly believed that I couldn't live on my own terms. That I didn't
DESERVE any better. Which is crap, of course! When you lose the weight, you
often find that speaking out for yourself is much easier than when you were
hiding in your obesity. You find that you don't want to tolerate someone
stepping all over your rights. And that often is, unfortunately, the very
person you married. Divorce for some people who've had WLS is the very
thing they need most desperately, ranking right behind the need to lose
weight. If you do not have a good relationship prior to WLS, you will NOT
fix it by having this surgery. If you do have a good relationship prior to
WLS, your marriage will likely only get better. Just my two cents' worth.
Take it or leave it. It's worth what you paid for it. :) Lisa Kellogg Lap
RNY 8/29/01 (294-174)
— lisachris
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