Question:
Anyone experiencing familial alienation after weight loss?
Recently traveled with my extended family (not always a good idea in the best of circumstances, I know). They were nasty, rude and petty and barely commented on an 80lb. weight loss over the last six months. Two sisters that obviously used to only feign love and support from afar became downright intolerant, mean and disrespectful in person. We haven't spoken since the trip (3 weeks ago) and it seems they are adding fuel to each others fire by actually fabricating information to keep their comraderie stoked (now that they are newly united in their quest to put me down - my mother is telling me some of the things they have said in a misguided attempt to help). By the way, these are two women who spent the last 38 years bad-mouthing each other behind their own backs to me, I know I should not mourn the loss of this "type" of person, but I thought they loved me unconditionally, I thought we all did, and I thought that despite all their poor choices and actions over the years they were innately good people. I am so heartbroken I can barely function. I have been hurt and dissillusioned and now feel so alone. (I do have an incredible husband and three great kids, I know I am blessed) but they were the back bone of a now known dissapointingly unstable "female" support system I thought I had, and now I have to admit who they really are, and it just hurts so bad. I don't even know what the question is anymore, I guess I want to know who has had similar experiences, and how they deal with the dissapointment. I have been going through the motions of day to day life with my family, but my heart is heavy, there's a constant lump in my throat and I need help dealing. Thanks. — Susan R. (posted on June 30, 2004)
June 30, 2004
I know we are just a distant voice but we are here for you. I too have had
this experience. My sister is very jealous. So much so that she is just
mean, she is making stuff up at this point. She went so far as to tell the
whole neighborhood that no one I work with likes me. I know this is not
true because I work with great people. Now, I don't bother with her. I
told her maybe someday when she grew up (she is ten years older then me) we
could be friends again.
I was hoping for encouragement from my family, and I have not gotten it.
They never ask how I am doing or how much weight loss I have had. So, I
have my support group once a month and I have made friends in my water
arobics class. I know losing a loved one to what seems like multiple
personality problems, and it is a real loss, is hard. The best thing to do
is branch out, make new friends and build a stable support structure. By
the way, if they were talking about each other behind their backs, its was
only a matter of time till they got around to talking about you. That is
one sure sign that you cannot build a strong, trusting relationship with
this person. They are hard to find, but good, honest, trustworthy people
are out there.
— Peggy Boyd
June 30, 2004
Families. We don't get to choose them, do we? There is so many levels of
good and bad with families that it is just too complicated (even when you
fully see what is happening) to really fix anything. As I carefully
progress and am now the thinnest in my extended family, I receive
compliments based solely on how I look but no questions about how I am
doing. This just emphasizes the whole aspect of outward appearance - not
health! My sister, who is very MO too, just seems to eat more when I am at
a gathering due to other people's HORRIBLY misguided questions about WLS
and whether she is going to have it done too. People can be very stupid and
mean - and some people can be very stupid and not mean. What can I or
anyone else say? That backbiting is insidious. Quite frankly, you cannot
change your sisters' behavior (I have 2 and KNOW this). You can either
listen and let it run off you (this does not work for me most days) OR tell
people to stop their BS. And I mean, use the full effect language, ok? OR
if your mom continues with the "well meaning" information, make
her STOP and stop now. She knows perfectly well (if she is honest with
herself) that this method ONLY results in more hurt feelings. You can
imagine what these silly women are sniping about behind your back ~ you
don't have to know the details. When your mom tries, change the subject. If
she continues, you may have to be more direct. Will this be comfortable?
Probably not. OR you may just not want to be around them much. This is
pretty passive, but I must say, I use this method quite a bit too! Best of
luck to you. I feel your pain.
— Jodie P.
June 30, 2004
when people gossip and say rude things about other people to us, it should
not be a surprise that they will talk about us in the same manner. weather
or not you do well with your wls isn't up to anyone else but you. rise
above them. no one can bring you down if you don't let them. you knew what
kind of people they were even if it's hard to admit because you care about
them. this time it was about your wls, next time it will be about something
else. sometimes when people feel comfortable with others(meaning their
family) they feel like they can say ANYTHING to them even if it is wrong
and hurtful. if you want them in your life you need to put your foot down
and TELL them to knock it off. if they don't then you need to decide how
important they really are and what you think they can contribute to your
life.
— franbvan
June 30, 2004
Hon, the only person's behavior that you can control is your own. I went
home after not seeing my family for 3 years and got a rather mixed reaction
from my family recently. While they weren't overtly mean when they saw me
it wasn't what I expected. My sister burst into tears. She blamed it on
hormones, but I could tell it bothered her because her husband was
reassuring her all day that he loved her and she was beautiful. Just
concentrate on being the best you can be, don't lead the deadheads get you
down and just enjoy life. Lord knows we've all had our share of problems,
so it's time to enjoy life!
— Cathy S.
June 30, 2004
Hi, i feel for you. I have a sister in law I've known and loved for many
years. I have always been heavy, just different degrees of heavy. She has
lost and gained tons of weight over the years and always said she wanted me
to be my best and lose weight. I told her about the surgery about 2 months
after I had it because someone she knew had a lot of trouble with it. After
she got use to the idea she was interested and supportive. We flew just to
visit her on our last vacation in May. I have lost 121 pounds, down fron
294 which was what i weighed 2 years ago when she last saw me.The reaction
I got at the airport? You look good. Pretty much the end of any comments by
her during a 6 day stay. She did say she told the lady she works with that
I eat a lot more then she thought I would be able to( I was 10 months
out).I was a little hurt, she was always "helping me'by comments she
made and info on programs or diets to try. She now weighs 275 she says but
looks much heavier. But you know what, I've really thought this out and I
know this woman loves me with all her heart. It's just that I have done
something she will probably never do and we arent the buddies in fat
anymore. I understand, I might have felt the same way as much as I love
her, its highly likely! Just hang in there, they will adjust and so will
you. Every slot they put you in has shifted,when other people they are
close to have changed for the better and they dont think they have, it
shakes their world a bit.Give it time and stay a loving person to them and
you will all be just fine.
— Shelley M.
June 30, 2004
I have to chime in here- My best friend has a daughter I used to baby-sit
known her since she was a baby- not too long ago she baby-sat for my (then
) 4 yr-old daughter and did some wrong things in my house. I called my
"best friend" and told her what had happened- she completely
denied - told me it wasn't possibly her daughter- and has not spoken to me
since- she also makes a point about writing to me though about how she is
doing her weight-loss the "natural" way" or if she is having
a gain, she writes to say she doesn't have to lose weight- mind you she is
well over 300 lbs!! My point iss that betrayals happen and the
disappointment bruises, but we are strong, capable women who can do what we
need to do- mourn the friendship htta existed only on your side, and find
yourself some real friends- they're out here!
— jomu
June 30, 2004
I actually felt the need to distance myself from toxic people. In my life
that has only been one person, my sister. I admit that is hard for me to
do. She is my only sister. I love her kids, but I feel I'm going through
enough already and having to deal with her jealousy and backbiting just
adds to my stress. It's the changes that are happening. Hard to believe,
but your getting thinner is changing the way they view your relationship
and they don't like it. I would never tell anyone to stop talking to their
siblings. You have to decide for yourself what you can do. If you can
ignore it and chalk it up to what it is, insecurity on their parts and
possibly some jealousy then that's good and you can continue the
relationship, but I honestly think if it causes you concern and stress, its
best to walk away at least for a while and give them time to get used to
the new you.
— Lisa N M.
June 30, 2004
Susan: I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I understand how much
it must hurt you. Relationship changes always hurt so much more when it's
family, because, as you said, we've come to believe the love is
unconditional. Your sisters' jealousy is consuming them right now - it
really is a horrible, green-eyed monster, isn't it? Their reaction to your
80-lb loss shows that they're unable to "handle" it right now.
But the ball is in their court at this point. If amends are ever to be
made, it's them who need to make the effort. And I agree with other
posters, don't allow your mother to make the situation worse for you by
"filling you in." Time will heal this, Susan. If it seems to be
taking too long, try to talk to someone, maybe a counselor, or another
trusted friend. And please don't hesitate to let us know how things are
going for you. This site is for support, so please come back whenever you
need to. Best wishes.
— Carlita
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