Question:
What should I do about my downhill marriage?
I hate to use this forum to ask for advise for something outside WLS, but I am quickly drawing to the end of my straw. I feel as if my husband is sabotaging me so that I can't have this surgery. Ever since I told him I wanted this a couple of years ago, he has been against it. He is afraid I will leave him for someone better. At this rate, he just might be right. At this point in my life, my family will not come down to see me, due to the fact that he cussed at them on the phone and told them he did not want them down here. None of my friends will come over, because he acts up around them, and I won't let them in because the house is a mess. He won't clean any, and when I do as much as I can to clean, he will come home, yell at me, and mess it up all over again. He threatens to hit me, and is often violent to the point of scaring me into fearing for my life. He cheats on me on a regular basis with other women, online and off. That has caused even more friction in our marriage. The house is a hell hole. I can't go anyplace. I can't have anyone over. And anytime I confront him on things, he is unpredictable as to how he will react. I know I have to stay with him so that I can get my surgery. I know that is unethical, but I have no other choice. He has insurance, and without it, I am sunk. I guess I am just looking for someone with an objective outside view to give me some insight as to what to do. I don't know how much longer I can take this. Most days, I am depressed beyond the point of consolation. When I tell him this, he just shrugs it off and says it isn't his problem. Where did my sweet, caring husband go? What do you all think I should do? Please, any and all advise is welcome. — Lisa S. (posted on April 21, 2003)
April 20, 2003
You need to call a batered womans shelter and know in advance you can still
get surgery. Divorce takes a long time, and that would give you the
opportunity to get healthy and begin a new life. Wife beaters are the
lowest of the low if you ask me.
— bob-haller
April 20, 2003
I agree with Bob totally!! You can remain legally married and covered and
not have to live with an abusive man. He knows what a miserable bastard he
is and he is hopefully right that you WILL leave once you see other
options. I would wait for him to go to work, pack my stuff and disappear!
Do you have family who will quietly help you? Do you have kids? I am sure
that there is someone out there who is waiting for that call so they an get
you away from such a dangerous situation. NOBODY deserves to be hit or
abused in any way!!!!
— Carol S.
April 20, 2003
Ask yourself: Are you better off WITH or WITHOUT him? Good luck. You'll
make the right decision.
My advice: Start your weight loss surgery early and lose 200 lbs.
immediately! Your worth way more than HIM! : p
— msmaryk
April 20, 2003
I agree with the previous posters. Leave the SOB now! Get to a battered
women's shelter - even if he hasn't hit you (you said "he threatens to
hit me"), you are being emotionally abused and you have stated that
you fear for your life.
<p>
It will take time for the divorce to go through (sounds like you have
excellent grounds) and you will be covered under your husband's insurance
until the divorce is final (and you may even be able to get the judge to
make him pay for your health insurance coverage afterwards if you get a
good enough lawyer).
<p>
He's afraid of you leaving him for someone better? From the description
of him you have written, that would appear to be a good percentage of the
male population. Leave him now - from looking at your profile, you are a
young woman with most of her life ahead of her - especially after you have
your surgery. Don't let this Neanderthal ruin your life any more...JR
— John Rushton
April 20, 2003
You need to call the Battered Hotline. When I used to work it sometimes
people were able to stay(shortly)to put a plan into action. However, if you
are NOW fearful you need to leave NOW. Try to have a few documents handy if
possible. The checking acct. #, ins. info. Savings acct. #, any 401K info.
from your husbands work etc....If you can take money before you leave than
do so.(It is part yours too) You need something to work with if possible.
You don't have to stay and you certainly don't deserve this. It could be
that your husband would be asked to leave the house. Document EVERYTHING.
Who you speak with and when and a brief synopsis of what was said. THis
includes conversations with your husband. Best wishes. Many times, even
with a divorce the spouse's who has insurance will keep the other on until
they can get their own etc..If you're not ready to leave and you feel safe
enough to stay than start squirrling away money. Set up your own
savings/checking acct. If you need to get a P.O. box and have the
statements sent their.If you don't have your own Credit Card then try to
get one. This will help you establish credit. Just because you have a card
you need to be careful with it's use. It's easy to get in over your head
when you think you're just starting out again. It's not for that purpose.
Use it to establish Credit only. Again, have it sent to the P.O. Box.
Or, have it sent to your family(only if they can/will be supportive and
not nosey). YOu need to know you have choices and their is help! Best
wishes
— Linda M.
April 20, 2003
Run, don't walk to the nearest shelter, family or friend. Your husband is
a monster who has the potential to ruin more than just your desire to have
the surgery.
Having the surgery is secondary to your present health and safety and your
health and safety should be the primary thing you should be concerned with
right now. As it has been said by some posters already, you'll have his
insurance coverage during the divorce proceedings. In most states, it
takes more than 90 days for a divorce to be finalized, so having insurance
shouldn't be something you should be worried about.
No one should ever have to live in fear of their life and that is exactly
what you are doing now. You know what you need to do, you just needed
confirmation/affirmation of what you need to do. Don't waste any time,
make your plans and stick to them. Your life is the most valuable thing
that has been given to you, don't give control of it to someone who doesn't
have your best interests at heart.
— Michele A.
April 20, 2003
First, Get out while you can. I see that your husband is military and you
are living away from your family. It sounds like he's a control freak and
he is trying to make you even more dependent on him than you already think
you are.
Make some phone calls and find out what your rights are when you divorce
your abusive husband. Can they force him to continue insurance coverage on
you for a specific period of time???
I also see where you've been waiting many months just for a consultation
with a surgeon. Can you find another surgeon or ask your
"regular" physician to refer you to another?
Regardless...Get out...I bet your family would be happy to see you. You're
young and have a long life ahead of you and you don't deserve to be treated
this way.
Go to your regular doctor on base and tell him/her what's going on and ask
them to help you with the depression. Document everything you can (telling
the physician is a good start). It will help you down the road as the
military normally will not tolerate their members being abusive and will be
sympathetic to the spouse being abused.
I know this won't be the case for every person...but it has been the case
for some.
Good Luck.
— Carolyn M.
April 21, 2003
GET OUT!!!!!! To hell with insurance...there are ways. Get the yellow
pages and call a battered women's shelter and they will come and get you or
send an police officer to come and get you----get out of there. Not only
is he sabotaging your chances for surgery...he is trying to sabatoge your
LIFE!!! Once in the battered women's shelter, they will help you get in
touch with your family---friends, anyone who can help you. They can assist
you with social services. Do not be dependent upon this man. GET OUT OF
THERE NOW!!! I have been a court reporter in the criminal courts for
almost 15 years...and I have seen this time and time and time again. GET
OUT OF THERE NOW---YOUR VERY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!!! ~CAE~
— Mustang
April 21, 2003
LISA, GET OUT WHILE YOUR STILL ALIVE, WORRY ABOUT THE SURGERY LATER. NOBODY
SHOULD HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THAT, ANY KIDS?? IF NOT THEN JUST PACK WHILE HE IS
WORKING OR IF YOU OWN THE HOUSE AND WANT TO STAY GO TO THE COURTS AND GET A
RESTRAINING ORDER(THAT WILL KEEP HIM AWAY FROM THE HOUSE AND YOU) GOOD LUCK
YOUR STILL YOUNG AND HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU, YOU DONT WANT TO BE
LIVING LIKE THIS EVER NEVER MIND WHEN YOU START GETTING UP IN YEARS, WILL
CAUSE MORE HEALTH ISSUES!! GOOD LUCK AND DO SOMETHING SOON.
— ALLYSON C.
April 21, 2003
I don't need to repeat what the others have said. You deserve more.
Please help yourself and get on the road to better mental health and the
physical health will follow. Best of luck!!!!
— Fixnmyself
April 21, 2003
Hi there, my suuggestion would be first, if you don't feel you can leave at
this moment, get some counseling for yourself. It doesn't sound like your
husband would go to couples counseling with you anyway, so go by yourself.
If you can't afford it, call a psychologist's office and ask them to refer
you to free or sliding-scale-fee counseling in your area. Go on your lunch
hour if you work or go when your husband is not home. You need someone
unbiased to talk to that can help you with your self esteem and your
situation. I know how scary it can be when someone that is supposed to
love you is violent and verbally abusive. Like all the other posters said,
you deserve much more. A counselor can help you to figure out what you
need to do to take care of you. If you do want to and are able to leave, I
would suggest that if you husband has previously made threats on your life,
obtain a restraining order from your local Superior Court so you can have
some 'peace and quiet' in your life, or at least if your husband contacts
you you can call the police and have him arrested for violating the
restraining order. Good luck, and remember -- surgery or no surgery,
insurance or no insurance, you are an important valuable person, and you
don't have to take what your husband is dishing out. By being so
"fearful" of your losing weight and leaving him, he is making his
own fear come true. Get out of the relationship if you're ready to do
that, have your surgery, and begin a new life and live it the way you want
to! Good luck. Feel free to email me if you need to talk.
— beeda
April 21, 2003
It is amazing what getting YOUR act together can do to a spouse that is not
together...I am not going to repeat the advice you have now heard a hundred
times..but I will add to it. #1, go get checked for VD immediately,
including AIDS. #2 Get into some counseling, and if your insurance does not
cover it, go to any of the free support groups (OA, CODA, etc.) #3 Your
family will not only understand, but will give you a place to go, if you
are afraid they would be in danger, then get the restraining order and USE
IT. You will not be in the right mental place to have this surgery until
you get out of there anyhow. Take care of yourself and if you have kids,
there are absolutely no excuses to stay and have them exposed to that sick
behavior...they will learn it and relive it. Take it from a psychology
student who also volunteers for foster agencies and other such
organizations. Write anytime if you want to "talk"
— missmollyk
April 21, 2003
One more suggestion I forgot to include -- file for a legal separation with
your superior court. They have forms to do it yourself. This way, while
separated, you can still keep your insurance benefits, you can use the time
during separation to go to some counseling and have your surgery, and maybe
it will give your husband time to think about the fact that he could lose
you. Maybe it will help him come to terms with his own issues and maybe
even go to counseling with you, and if not, then you can proceed with
divorce if you want to do that. Good luck!
— beeda
April 21, 2003
Lisa,
Nobody can tell you what to do, they can only advise. As far as I can see,
the advice that you have been given is good. Please just keep a few things
in mind:
1. You are a smart woman (I can see that from your writing)
2. You are a strong woman
3. You can do anything you put your mind to, you just have to decide what
it is that you want to do
4. You can only control yourself, it is you that needs to drive change and
in order to change your life, you need to change you
5. Lastly, you will find many on this site who have changed their lives.
Derive inspiration from their stories.
Best of luck and hang-in-there.
Melissa
— meliss0725
April 21, 2003
Lisa, You need to get out of this relationship while you're so young. The
longer you stay together, the worse the temper and violence will get. Don't
stay and waste your life. You don't want to have surgery with this hanging
over you.It will make your recovery worse. If your husband wants to waste
his life on anger, let him. GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!It sounds like he is
alienating you from anyone who may have an influence on you, especially
family. Even with the surgery, the problem isn't going to go away unless
you decide you're not going to live like that anymore. Some relationships
can't be fixed and he doesn't sound interested.I wish you the best!!
— Debbie W.
April 21, 2003
Honey I have been in your shoes. Find a really good pastor that does
family counseling....it may be just for you as it does not sound like he
would go, but if you are going to make the decision to leave, be sure you
have thought over all the consequences. I am an insurance agent, but I am
not sure how Tricare works. You might call the benefits office in Norfolk
to see if a divorced spouse can continue insurance on your own for awhile.
In the private sector you could for up to 3 years....of course you would
have to pay. But staying in a miserable situation like that is going to
kill your spirit...mine almost did and I still battle it 4 years later. I
know now I married him because I was fat and figured no one else would have
me. So when he dumped me, I was devestated. You are 1/2 my age, so make
your life yours now!!!!! I'm sorry about your mis-carriage, as I had 2 as
well. But now is the time to make your move when there are no kids
involved. Pray a lot and ask God to guide you and He will!
— Sharon B.
April 21, 2003
I left an abusive unfaithful spouse years ago and then used his insurance
to pay for many things I needed and never received in our marriage (skin
care, dental care, counseling). He had great insurance and I used it as
much as I could once we separated. He had to insure me until he remarried
which is standard practice. There is no reason to stay with a spouse that
is abusive and/or unfaithful with or without the other issues. I am now
married to a wonderful man who would gladly give me the sun, the moon and
the stars if he could. He loves me unconditionally and shows me that, in
his actions, every single day. I can't imagine it any other way anymore.
It took me years to understand that if it hurts, its not love. If you need
to talk, email me.
— susanje
April 21, 2003
Dearest Lisa . . . .
Sounds like you are living a nightmare. I can't imagine how you must get
through each day. But you do and that means you are strong. In reading
your post it occured to me that you really aren't asking any of us for
advice at all. You know what you have to do. You seem to be asking for
approval or permission - you need someone to help you shed the guilt he
has piled on you. Your circumstance is just one more example of what we
will allow others to do to us because we feel worthless. You are not the
worthless one in this relationship. I truly believe that if a relationship
is not nurturing and the people involved are not supportive of each other,
then it is not worth saving. Only you can judge the potential of yours to
survive. I wish you the best in whatever decision you make and I truly hope
you can value yourself enough to make the right one.
— Sandy F.
April 21, 2003
He is feeling so low about himself . . . that he needs to treat you badly
so he can feel better. The worst thing that could happen to him is if you
have this surgery b/c you will want to leave him. Please go now . . . if he
really cares he will get counseling. Take care of you . . . now!
Good Luck! Michele :)
— Michele D.
April 21, 2003
I am not going to offer any new insights to you. I will say separate get a
lawyer - legal aid if they will, a cheap one if they won't. Most will
accespt a payment plan. They can advise if you need a separation agreement
or not. Try and use his ins now as much as possible until you get your own.
The courst might award you spousal maintainence etc. Get some counseling so
you can recognize the beautiful person that we see.
Get a restraining order and don't be afraid to use it. You have to be tough
and strong here.
Maybe (and I doubt this) he will see the error of his ways. I really doubt
that will happen. My prayers are with you. DO NOT WAIT. Get started now.
— snicklefritz
April 21, 2003
I stayed in a similar situation for more than ten years. My ex was retired
navy, so Tricare was our insurance. After the seperation I was insured
until the divorce was final. During the seperation I had a heart attack.
Beween my insurance and Tricare everything was covered.
After 10 years it finally sunk in that things would never change at
home. I kept thinking the abuse would stop if I could be better at
everything......... It finally escalated to physical abuse, but that was
nothing like the emotional torment I endured for years.
Leaving was very difficult. While still living with him I found a place
to live (thru a friend), which did not require a security deposit. Don't be
afraid to ask for help. The people who really care about you will probably
be relieved you are making a move. (I even had one girlfriend who offered
to pay for the divorce.)
Life can be so much better! I met a man who I later married. It's
incredible to finally have the life and relationship I dreamed of. (And
yes, I was fat when we met.) We've now been married for almost 5 years. I
had WLS last May and now weigh 146 pounds. (Ironically, my ex died of
cancer.)
It takes a lot of courage to leave. Those who have not been in this
situation are not fully aware of what's involved in such an unstable
environment. These guys know just how far they can push. (My ex could make
me feel like a queen one minute and a piece of crap the next..... Very good
at what he did. And I was not very overweight at the time fyi.) Without
help these people do not change....
Good luck to you. Please email me if you like. Support really helps...
Don't be afraid to ask for it.)
— Linda M.
April 21, 2003
Lisa,
I too was married to an abusive military man and we had Tricare insurnace.
I finally had all I could take and moved back home to CA. I transferred my
Tricare to my region here and continued the process at home. I moved home
in Oct, had my insurance changed in novemeber, saw my new pcm, got my
referral, had my inital consult with my surgeon on Jan 22, they submitted
for approval on Jan 30th , approval on Jan 31st and surgery on March 3rd.
My ex still doesnt even know that I had surgery. So if you can move home
do so. If you can move with friends do that. But do not let him have the
rest of your life. DO not stay because you think he controls the
insurance. I did not tell Tricare I had left him but that I had simply
moved home for awhile. Honestly they didnt ask. Good luck
— kaysjourney
April 21, 2003
So now that we have established that you do have a choice and do not have
to stay with him to get your surgery, are you ready to move on? You have
very succinctly laid out the reasons why you need to get away from this
abusive individual for good. And please don't think that he will change-no
amount of counseling, even if he wanted to go, will change his stripes. You
have to determine what you want in life. Depressed beyond consolation, low
self-esteem, a cheating spouse, a home that is not a home, no friends or
family allowed, threats of bodily harm, or the opposite? I know sometimes
those with low self-esteem try to justify the abuse and hope things will
get better, but like the previous poster who spent ten years hoping for the
same thing said, it does not happen and why waste any more of your youth on
a lost cause? We all agree you deserve better. Frankly, even a dog
deserves better treatment-sorry. Use your friends and family to lean on,
do not be afraid of the world out there-have courage! There is a better
life out there for you and WLS is just a part of it. Good luck. As you
can see many of us care and wish you the best.
— Cindy R.
April 21, 2003
Thank you all for the advise. It just reaffirmed what, in my heart, I
already knew. I suppose I just needed to hear it from others for it to
really dawn on me. For the longest time, I thought his behavior was because
I gained weight. But now that I have read your answers and done some soul
searching, the weight was just an excuse for him to hold me down and make
me feel like less than he is. He seems to get some sort of kick out of
making me cry and hurting me so much. That should be a warning sign, right
there. I need to get all my little ducks in a row before I figure out where
to go next. Hopefully, this won't be as hard as I fear it will be, but
usually when I get this feeling, it usually is just as hard as I think it
will be. Thank you all for the support that I needed very much. I feel much
better now.
— Lisa S.
April 21, 2003
Hi Lisa, my name is Lisa too. Leave him now, befor he does hit you and he
will. Don't worry about the insurance, as long as you are married he MUST
keep the insurance on you. Your are still his wife and even if you
divorced the judge could still order him ot maintain the insurance on you
as part of the final divorce. Btu for now I would leave and not even
mention the insurance to him or the surgery, he is to concerned about
himself to even think of insurance. Get away and have the surgery. Repeat
he can not cancel your insurance as longa as you are married. If you leave
he still cant take you off. If he tries its illegal. I know, I have
worked for an employee benefits firm for a long time for major employers.
Stop letting him control your life. Its time for you to stand up and gain
control of your self esteem. You can do it. I know you can. I am here if
you wna to talk.
Lisa
— Lisa G.
April 21, 2003
Hi Lisa, my name is Lisa too. Leave him now, befor he does hit you and he
will. Don't worry about the insurance, as long as you are married he MUST
keep the insurance on you. Your are still his wife and even if you
divorced the judge could still order him ot maintain the insurance on you
as part of the final divorce. Btu for now I would leave and not even
mention the insurance to him or the surgery, he is to concerned about
himself to even think of insurance. Get away and have the surgery. Repeat
he can not cancel your insurance as longa as you are married. If you leave
he still cant take you off. If he tries its illegal. I know, I have
worked for an employee benefits firm for a long time for major employers.
Stop letting him control your life. Its time for you to stand up and gain
control of your self esteem. You can do it. I know you can. I am here if
you wna to talk.
Lisa
— Lisa G.
April 21, 2003
Lisa, my take on this situation is that no surgeon is likely to perform
surgery on you because of your husband. You have no support system as long
as he is in your life. You can't take care of yourself now, how would you
ever do so when recovering from surgery. If you've read this board its
been a topic of conversation about the surgeon requiring the husband's
support, even having to have him meet the doctor in many cases before
surgery - obviously you wouldn't get his support in any situation under
even the best circumstances. I've read your profile. You have a very high
BMI and seem very much "disabled" by most people's idea. Have
you considered applying for disability? If you can get on social security
Medicare pays for this surgery. Also your state medical is likely to cover
it if medically necessary. If you leave your husband and have no
resources there are state programs to help you. If your family and friends
won't invite you into their homes find a womens shelter. You are an abused
woman whether or not he hits you or not, look at what you wrote. You are
like a prisoner kept in line with threats and fear. You already know you
have to change things in your life, but I hope I've given you some ideas
that will help along that way.
— Shelly S.
April 21, 2003
Lisa please get help and let us know how its going.
— bob-haller
April 22, 2003
Dear Lisa
Take Care and Good Luck. Make a plan of action and leave. It not the WLS
that the issue. The potential of physical
abuse increasing. Remember, there are people out there.
Libraries have computers too.
— Aynikaye
April 22, 2003
Sounds to me like you need to lose a couple hundred pounds - OF HUSBAND!
— [Deactivated Member]
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