Question:
Husband has

My husband has concerns about the surgery. I have offered to set up an appointment with my surgeon for him to talk to the doctor...I have offered to take him to my nutrional ed classes or group meetings...HE REFUSES ALL OF THIS. I have emailed me lots of information, which he won't read. I have tried talking to him, but he won't tell me what the issue is. He simply says "I don't want you to do this." I have explained WHY I need this over a million times and he says "Those are good reasons" (yeah, i don't need to breathe or walk or anything!) Last night he said "I have concerns, but I'm not going to tell you about them now." He said he's waiting. Well, there are only 22 days left until my surgery. I told him that it is unfair of him to wait until the last minute and then dump everything on me. I got very angry and told him either tell me now or not mention it again. So now, he's not talking to me. Frankly, I don't care. I am sick of this. For nearly 3 years he's complained that he doesn't like this surgery, yet has done NOTHING to learn anything about it. I reminded him of my emergency c-section and how there were all these risks with that...and how this surgery is NOTHING compared to that and he was fine with the c-section. He just ignores my point. Its driving me nuts. Completely, utterly nuts. I want to believe that once I'm out of surgery and doing fine, he'll get over it. But I want him to at least understand why I'm doing this. HELP!! I've tried talking, writing letters, emailing medical information, leaving my surgery information packets where he can find them, stuffing notes in his wallet with little surgery facts on them. Just now, I've emailed him a list of risks and what my doctor will do to prevent it from happening. — Renee B. (posted on October 21, 2003)

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October 21, 2003
Do you think that he might be afraid that once you lose weight you might not want him? He might be afraid of losing you and is totally freaked out about the changes you will be undergoing. It sounds as if he needs some counseling but from what you've said, it doesn't appear that he would be open to that either.
— Patty_Butler

October 21, 2003
It sounds like you have tried anything, and you just can't get the "horse" to drink -- give up. Explain that this is your body and your life, and you are having the surgery in order to ensure that you have a future for yourself and your family! Tell him that you hope that he can support your decision, if only because he loves you, but whether he does or not, you are going ahead with it. This is what I did, and it totally cracked the ice -- all of a sudden, when I wasn't looking for his approval or want him to make a decision, he was willing to talk about it. Bottom line he was afraid for me. I told him I was scared too, but more scared of my future (or lack of it) without the surgery. Whether he comes around or not, stick to your guns and get a friend or other relative to take you to the hospital, talk to the surgeon, etc. Good luck!
— Nannette

October 21, 2003
You've done all that you can. Tell him one last time that you want him to respect you enough to talk about it now, not the night before surgery or something - and that if he hasn't said his piece by 10 days before surgery, you do not want to hear it - at all. I'm sorry he's not supporting you very well in this. Do this anyway - for you. My huband was petrified that I would die, was crying in my surgeon's office and everything. Your husband may have some important reasons, but by refusing to communicate them in a fair way, they become mute. Don't give up on yourself. Just accept that he is making his choices (about what and when to say things) and you are making yours (having surgery to save your life, refusing to be manipulated by hubby).
— bethybb

October 21, 2003
Hi there. My husband was very skeptical at first too. He said several times he didn't want me to do this. He was afraid of losing me either to complications of the surgery or after I lost the weight I may leave him. My husband did come with me to the informational sessions, the nutritional classes and all of my surgeon appointments. If you read my profile you will see he just didn't want me to do this. However, the day of surgery he was extremely supportive of me because he knew there were some risks involved (as is in any surgery) and he didn't want these moments to be wasted arguing about the surgery itself. I must say, after the surgery was completed and I came out wonderfully... he has been my number one supporter and biggest cheerleader since. I am 10 weeks post-op and couldn't ask for a more supportive and loving person to be my support person through this. I believe men and woman are just different. You may want to ease up on all of the information you are giving him. Maybe he can't process all that data and the whole thing is overwhelming to him. It is quite possible he has fears as my hubby did... he doesn't want to lose you or see you in pain. It's just my opinion, but I would suggest you back off for awhile and let him come to you. You've made the decision and at this point is anything going to change your mind to do this for yourself? Probably not. If he loves you, which I'm sure he does (he's your hubby) he will come around and be supportive to you as his wife. Plus, he will see the wonderful blessings this surgery offers us as individuals, couples and families. Best wishes on your journey!!
— Kamy

October 21, 2003
Whoa, talk about passive-aggressive manipulation. Is this the usual way he deals with things he does not like or understand? If it is, then you have bigger problems than this surgery. If this is a first for him, maybe there is a way to break through this manipulation. Listen to what the others have advised. Just don't discuss it anymore with him so he has to come to you for information. Let him know you are not playing his game anymore. Do you really think he has some legitimate reason for not having this surgery that he is going to spring on you at the last minute? He's playing mind games with you and you are falling for it by letting it drive you nuts.
— Carole V.

October 21, 2003
I think the others might be right. That he feels once you lose weight you may want to move on. I know my husband has those thoughts, and I would never leave him. He has been with me through it all. YOu've done all that you can. Please don't let him make you feel guilty and back out, you're doing this for you. I think if he's not willing to learn, and you've done all you can, perhaps he needs to sulk alone...
— MF

October 21, 2003
It's just a thought, but could he be insecure?? My husband also had "concerns" that he didn't want to discuss. Fortunately for me (and him), he finally did and his concern was that I would lose weight and would no longer want to be with him. That I'd have guys hitting on me and suddenly wouldn't be happy with my life. Also, luckily for me, he came back the very next morning and apologized for his feelings and said that he'd support me 110% if this is what I wanted. Now he constantly teases me and calls me "skinny Minny". Sorry, but I don't see a 5'4" woman at 185 pounds skinny :). The point is, once we talked about it and I reassured him that I wasn't going anywhere, he's been more supportive than I could have ever asked for. Good Luck
— Carolyn M.

October 21, 2003
My guess is he's afraid he's going to lose you, and he's scared. That, however, does not excuse his behavior. You've done everything you can to give him information. He refuses to take it. That's his problem, not yours. I'd stop playing his game, too. He needs to figure out how to deal with this, and you don't need to be chasing him down. I'd back off and give him some space to deal with it. You can't do that for him.
— Vespa R.

October 21, 2003
Maybe he thinks by refusing to "discuss it right now" you will cancel your surgery at the last minute because you won't want to have surgery not knowing what his concerns are. He's probably afraid of losing you or of you "getting skinny and leaving him". My husband was supportive verbally, but at the last minute the night before my surgery he really wasn't there for me. He stayed at the hospital during my surgery of course, but he was somewhat distant, as if being cautious with his feelings in case something happened. Once I recovered and was home he was fine. Men don't know how to deal with their feelings very well sometimes! My advice, and it's just my advice, would be to tell him that you are having this surgery with or without his support, that you would greatly prefer it to be WITH his support, and that it is his choice. Tell him that this "game" of not discussing it now isn't going to change your mind or cause you to cancel your surgery, so he might as well talk about it with you now. Tell him if he will just tell you his fears (use the word fears, maybe it will make it okay for him to admit he is afraid) that you can work through them together. If he still refuses, then sadly, go on without him and turn to another person (family member, friend, etc) for support. Don't be manipulated into doing something you don't want to do. I had surgery 9 weeks ago and have lost 60 pounds -- it's so worth it, if you are sure you want to do this, don't change your mind because of anyone else. I had to use about 6 months of patience and understanding with my hubby and he still wasn't the perfect support system. Just try to put yourself in his shoes and see why he might be scared/upset, and try to talk to him about it. And keep trying, even if he shuts you down every time. Maybe when he realizes you are not going to change your mind no matter
— beeda

October 21, 2003
Maybe he thinks you're not fully aware of the risks of this surgery. I question this because of your statement about your c-section and "how there were all these risks with that...and how this surgery is NOTHING compared to that". This surgery is very serious. You're having your intestines re-arranged. Are you minimizing the possible risks when you talk to him in order to get him on board? People CAN and sometimes DO die from this surgery, or have long term complications. It's major surgery with lifelong implications. Don't get me wrong, for those of us with health problems it IS worth the risk, but maybe he thinks you're looking at it with rose colored glasses, and in your desire to have the surgery, not fully acknowledging the risks. Try explaining to him that you know how serious it is, but that you're at the point that even if the worst happens, you still know you made the right decision because of the extent that being MO is affecting your current health.
— mom2jtx3

October 21, 2003
Looks like Lots of people are here to help you understand this one !! Im currently going thru a similar thing with my husband. I havent taken any steps towards the surgery yet, but have been on this website almost constantly for about 3 weeks now. Everytime I learn something new I turn to him and tell him. He will act interested occasionally, but I can tell its only an act. I finally asked him, if I do this, are you going to support me thru it and help me when I need you or NOT? He said "yeah, I will" ... that was it. I think he could have put a lil more emotion in to it if he wanted me to believe it lol ... I think hes gettin tired of me not spending time with him because I am on here all the time, because he knows how bad I want this. I really think that he believes our marriage will change after I lose the weight. Im not going to be one that will say it wont but Im also not going to say it will. I wont get into the details as of why...but there could be many reasons as of why and hes just afraid to tell you. I was telling my sister in law about the surgery the other day and all of the things that have to be done afterwards, for the rest of your life. Her husband said no way he could do that, my husband responded with " yeah, its too much trouble." That tells me he doesnt want me to have it done, but Im going ahead with this anyway. I have spent our whole time together doing what I could to make him happy. Its now time for me. Good luck to you honey, and keep doing what you know is best for YOU. You will still have support here :)
— DixiePop

October 21, 2003
I would think it would be clear to you by now that he is not receptive to your attempts to discuss or educate him on this subject. I think you have done more than enough. I would have given up long ago. I'm sure your stressed enough with your surgery only weeks away. Quit wasting energy and stop trying to get thru to him. If or when he wants to learn about this surgery, you've given him the opportunity and the info to do so. Concentrate on you now. Relax, de-stress, deep breaths. My husband, while fairly supportive, did not care to learn about the surgery or hear about it either before or after. He was no help at all with aftercare either. We can't force them, only do whats best for us...
— Cindy R.

October 21, 2003
I feel your pain in some ways with my DH. When I have free time, I jump online to educated my self, Sometimes he's all for it, then a few days later he tell me to excercise more..DUH....GOOD LUCK TO YOU MY DEAR!
— Ruschell

October 21, 2003
How shall I put this..... I'm trying to be nice! lol Do this for yourself....Forget about a man that is so uncaring...He can't give you a reason why you shouldn't have it. I'm like the others...I would have given up on him weeks ago. At this point and time...You need to concentrate on yourself! A good support system is wonderful, but he isn't going to be that, so except it and move forward. I'm married to a wonderful man, but had he treated me like yours....I would have not asked him but twice, what the problem was, then I would never of asked again. I researched this procedure and I knew I was having it, with or without anyone's approval, except for my insurance. lol You will not succeed in this surgery with your husband's approval, only with "Your" giving it your all at 100% and following rules of your surgeon. You have to be positive and focused on the matter at hand...Becoming healthy with the help of this tool is worth it all. Exam all avenues, then go forth for yourself primary and others secondary...You'll be glad you did and just by chance he isn't there for you...Well, I'd say don't let the door hit your "Butt" on the way out! My Goodness, if he can't be their to support you in such a time of need, when can he? Ok...I'm off my soap box...Got this Cajun girl going...lol Best of Luck.....
— Hazel S.

October 21, 2003
Hope you don't mind my 2 cents worth, from a guy's perspective. I'm due to have surgery Nov. 10th, and my wife is starting to come around pretty good on why I want this, but when I first started looking into this, she was really against it. I was generally healthy, just fat, why didn't I want to stay the same, why did I need to do something so drastic, and then of course everybody that talked to her had somebody who knew somebody who had a cousin that had horrible complications, and if they didn't die and leave them penniless, they were bedridden and had to be spoonfed for the rest of thier life, you know the stories that go around out there. Then there was the occassional, "I'm not going to let you weigh less than I do" remarks, and "why do you need to take a whole month off?" and it would go on and on. I think that deep down inside, plain and simple, she was afraid that something would happen to me, and I wouldn't be around, that's the crux of it. Our marraige is solid, I'm not the type who 'get's skinny' and want a new life, (another tale told by a friend of a friend), and for a while I was 'selfish' to possibly put the kids through losing a father. She is a logical, scientifically trained, well educated field biologist, but deep down, she was just afraid, not sure of what would or could happen. But things have shifted quite a bit, she's seen me spend hours on the net doing research, and seen the pre-op preperations that I have undergone, and she is more settled in the view that this is a positive thing, not as risky as she was led to believe by a lot of wagging tongues. I suspect the same emotions are down deep within your husband, but hey...he's a guy...not the most rational and emotional of the species...right??? and I can say that, because I am a guy! She really didn't want to go to a support meeting with me the first time, and it ends up that she was afraid that the people there would think that she was there because SHE needed the surgery! In her mind, she's lost 30 lbs, on the atkins diet, why can't I just stick to it and lose 200? She was just afraid, but now that she has met some folks who have actually had the surgery...and ...gasp...lived to tell about it...it just might be alright. But being able to accept that as a guy is a tough thing. And really down deep in all of us...(guys)...there is a deep hidden fear that as we get older, when our wives look really nice..why should she stick around? Nonsense, but it's there, whether we like it or not. Stick to your guns, but try to be understanding, maybe somewhere along the line, the realization that you just might not 1-die, 2-run off with the lab tech 3-want to go off on your own...he might come around and see what this surgery is...a life saving procedure that can make all of our lives better because of it. But...don't give up! continue with your journey, and believe in him, and if he won't come around, keep on going, knowing that you gave it your best shot. Sometimes we have a thicker head and it takes longer for the signals to get through. Good luck!
— track

October 21, 2003
You've received a lot of very good, insightful answers to your question, but I wanted to add my experience, too. My husband was very reluctant at first; he had heard all the horror stories yet had no first-hand knowledge. I encouraged him to come to this site, go with me to physician meetings, etc, but he did not want to. We generally communicate well, and I knew he would speak his mind when he was ready. And he did. He was afraid I would die. One of my sisters called me with this same fear, and I gave them both the same answer... I am 54 years old. I have severe sleep apnea. I have had two heart attacks. I had begun having micro-strokes. I have arthritis in every joint in my body...I walk with a walker or cane, often cannot get out of a chair by my own volition, and I am in constant pain. This causes my weight to just keep going up. I am tired of living like this; I'm begining to feel as if I am merely "existing", not living at all. If I should die, and it is possible, then please be happy for me. I will be out of pain, and that is my goal, what I want most for my life. I have fears too, and I am working hard to deal with them. I can not deal with my fears and yours, too. I love you, but I must take care of myself, and do it in the way I find best for me. I'm not going into this uninformed or unaware. I do not want to leave you, by death or any other means, and I will not do that unless it is God's will. Both of them told me that this did not make them feel better. But, after a few days, they both came back to me and told me that they understood my reasons and respected my decision. My husband was a nervous wreck the day of my surgery. Because of my breathing problems, we knew ahead of time that I would go to ICU on a ventilator. But, knowing this and actually seeing this are two different things. The ICU nurses even felt sorry for my husband! I think HIS fear served to make me work harder to be "okay"---get off the vent, get out of bed, breath into the incentive spirometer, etc. Of course, I wanted to be "okay", but even more, I wanted HIM to see that I was going to be just fine. Good luck to you, I'll keep you in my prayers. Linda
— Linda S.

October 22, 2003
I read your profile. This is not the first time your husband has been a selfish brat. He's young, so he may eventually realize he has to grow up and that marriage involves TWO people who must give and take. As you lose weight, your tolerance for being treated badly will decrease, so if it takes him too long to change... For now, I hope you'll concentrate on yourself. Drop the subject of WLS. Make all your plans, but quietly; since he may sabotage you, find someone to take you to the hospital, watch your son, etc. But be nice to him. For a non-surgery person this constant obsession we go through pre-op must be intolerable. Get off the computer and spend some time with DH just having fun and not mentioning surgery! Right now you both need reminders of why you fell in love in the first place. :-) Good luck!
— Chris T.

October 22, 2003
Renee, You've made your decision regardless of his (unfortunately) unknown concerns. Who knows what his concerns are. He may not be able to articulate them at any time in the future anyway. (Hopefully he will start learning about the RNY sooner than later!) You say you're ready for this, you say you "don't care" so... if you're ok with forging forward without his full blessing, then why is this driving you nuts? Many people here would say "do what you want", "look out for number one" and so forth. I'd say proceed with caution and just become aware of what's more or most important in your life be it family, this surgery, or whatever and evaluate it within your belief system. If something seems out of line, act. Professional counseling may be a good idea because sometimes we all need someone outside our world to clarify by giving a bit of distance to the things that loom so close before our eyes. I would caution you and all of us here to not get too caught up in the world of AMOS "family" opinions. The exciting things that many have gone through here (or will possibly go through in the future) are not all that matter. Just my own opinion. Bless you!
— Soosan

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