Question:
How do you get over the shame of having to have had WLS?
Just this morning someone point blank ask me if I had surgery. I said no because I didn't want everyone knowing. Well, the small town that I am in I know many know anyway. How do I get over the shame of having to have this surgery. I wish I could feel like so many on this site do. The heck with them all. How can I get over this. — Kim N. (posted on July 11, 2003)
July 11, 2003
Shame?? Actually I am so proud of myself for wanting to do something to
improve myself (health). I consider myself a walking testimony there is
help out there for OBESE individuals. Hold your head up and be proud you
made your life changing decision.
— HelpMeRhonda !!
July 11, 2003
Kim - you don't have to feel ashamed that you had surgery. And you don't
have to tell anyone you don't want to tell. It's a personal decision and
you should feel good that you took such a big step to save your life. The
only person who really matters is you and that is who you were looking out
for when you decided to have surgery. I have not told alot of people about
my surgery. In fact, no one where I work knows. Not all of my friends
know and not all of my family know. Just remember you did this for you and
no one else and that is the only person who needs to know! Take care hun!
— anitanbug
July 11, 2003
No shame here. Heck, I'll tell anybody who will listen! Would you be
ashamed if you had breast cancer? A congenital heart condition? NOOOO.
Obesity is a disease and it kills. I personally was not too crazy about
dying so I chose to do something about it. If people want to ridicule me or
say I took the easy way out then obviously they are small-minded people who
wouldn't begin to understand MY life anyway. Life is too short to be always
worrying about what other people think! It took a lot of courage to have
WLS. Don't let other people make you feel bad now!
— ctyst
July 11, 2003
I feel the same as the posters here. I LOVE talking about the surgery and
educating others about it. I think it is showing pride and willingness to
do whatever it takes to guarantee a healthier life and tackle such a severe
problem as obesity.
Plus, at worst case.......whats the most terrible thing someone can say
about you for having the surgery??? Whatever you can imagine, its not
nearly as bad as what people most likely say behind our back for having the
weight problem in the first place.
Dont sweat it!
— Ted D.
July 11, 2003
No shame here...if anything, I am proud that I did something to improve my
health. I live in a small town, too and here's what happened to me: When
some of my (so called) friends first heard that I was having the surgery,
they thought I was nuts. They teased me and said that I wouldn't go through
with the surgery. I was told that I was taking the "Easy Way Out"
by these people who tried to convince me that I would fail at, yet,
another diet. (I wouldn't be surprised if they placed bets) Now that I have
had the surgery, the neigh-sayers see that I am very serious about my
health and future. I am 4 weeks out and have lost 30 pounds so far and I
would do it all over again. I like what you said at the end of your post,
"The heck with them all." If WLS is something you really want
to pursue, don't worry about what others are whispering. This is your
dream, your health and your future. [BIG HUG]
— Kim W.
July 11, 2003
I can't say that I'm ashamed of having wls, but I just know that other
don't "get it" and think of it as a weakness or laziness of mine.
Also, I have the fear in the back of my head ...If I gain back weight,
"They" will say "Wow! she had wls and everything and still
can't keep the weight off" I choose not to tell for those reasons.
— ZZ S.
July 11, 2003
Their is no shame in taking control of one's life, the only shame is to let
yourself stay the way you are be indifferent or out of control. Be Proud,
hold yourhead high and tell them you have a disease and you needed
treatment. If you had cancer, would you forgo chemo. If you needed a
transplant, would you go without! Screw the people who look down on you.
This is about you and you only. You have nothing to be ashamed about!
— heathercross
July 11, 2003
SHAME, WHAT SHAME/ I had shame when I was obese knowing that most people
view fat people as too lazy to take control of eating among other things.
I am proud that finally, after years of letting the food demons rule my
life, I have taken charge and I have taken my life back. Food no longer
has its hold on me. I control it. For once in my life, something is
right.
— Delores S.
July 11, 2003
Kim, I know exactly how you feel. I am not ashamed that I had the surgery
but am very embarrassed and ashamed that it ever even came to having to
make that decision. I don't like people knowing because it's a very
private and personal struggle--one that I choose to keep private and
personal. To each his own though right? Good luck! 212/114.5/108
— TP
July 11, 2003
— Jazzy
July 11, 2003
Aren't you happy that you took control of your weight situation? It took
courage to make a decision to have your stomach made smaller. You may want
to start attending an "in person" support group meeting for RNY
patients so you can work through your feeling of shame. I don't tell many
people why I have lost weight because it was my private decision, my body
and I don't answer to them. It's not because I am ashamed of it. As fat
people, we have dealt with the "judgement" of others too long.
Their judgement of you doesn't count - How you feel about YOURSELF is what
counts! Yes it sounds selfish, but don't you deserve to be happy in your
own body?
— M B.
July 11, 2003
I am disappointed in myself that I did not get a good handle on my obesity
before it got the better of me, and finally had to have surgery to address
it, *but* -- I also know that I tried, for thirty years (from age 13 to
43), on various diet and exercise regimes, to control my weight, with mixed
success. I could manage great weight loss (50 pounds here, 80 pounds
there), but could never keep it off, and the whole world could see it. End
result was that I was always getting even *bigger*. When I was
disciplined, and lost lots of weight and exercised, I was proud of that
(and equally ashamed when it all came piling back on, and I knew everybody
could see the regaining happening).<P>Sure, I wish I had been able to
lose and keep my weight off without surgery. Couldn't do it. Now it's
time to move on and be grateful that surgery was available and I was lucky
enough to have good insurance and a good doctor. What's great about WLS is
that you do *NOT* have to go through that lose-regain cycle yet again.
With proper use of your tool, you won't yo-yo back to where you were again
(and beyond). I understand why you feel shame (for me, it's more
disappointment, though), but now I feel relief and a sense of hope that, if
I do what I'm supposed to do with the pouch, I won't have to regain in
front of the whole danged world again. I try to focus on that sense of
hope and freedom from past failing.
— Suzy C.
July 11, 2003
Hi Kim, I am sorry you feel shame over having WLS. Try to be proud of what
you have done for yourself. Having said that, I do have an idea of what you
are feeling. I didn't want to tell a lot of people either because I felt
that they would think "well, it's about time you did SOMETHING".
However, my husband told his mother and it took about 30 minutes before the
WHOLE world knew--oh well, it's amazing how much support I am getting from
people I never expected it from. When someone asks you if you have had
surgery and you don't feel like telling them, simply ask them in return
"When did you become so rude?" I guarentee that will shut them
up!
— Kathy J.
July 11, 2003
I don't have a good answer for you - but I do understand what you meant by
"shame" - I am extremely private about my surgery and am not
quite ready to shout it from the rooftops. I get the impression from
people who don't need this surgery that it is the easy way out or we could
just push ourselves away from the table, it is something we can control
whereas someone with heart problems can't. Surgery isn't easy and it is
a shame we don't have the support we need. I even feel shame because I'm
considered a "lightweight" Small towns can be really hard can't
they?
— S D.
July 11, 2003
I was somewhat intimidated to tell others about my decision to have WLS,
but then I realized that my decision not only saved my life, but it has
changed my life ALREADY in 9 weeks. I praise God every day of my life for
this wonderful blessing in my life. NO I am not ashamed, I took control!
I gave weight loss attempts 39 years of my life and probably thousands of
dollars in diet concoctions that didn't work, dangerous diet meds
(Phen-fen, and many others)"will power" (yeah right...that works
for 2% of the population that tries to lose weight). Don't be ashamed of
your decision. If people give me blank stares when I tell them of my
surgery, I just continue to smile. I do NOT have to please them. Why
wouldn't anyone who matters not be happy for you, and support your
decision? If they don't, I smile anyway, because it's not them living in
this body. I love myself once again, I feel good again (after only 52
pounds) and I would not change a thing. If anyone asks how I've lost
weight, I will tell them with my head high and without reservation! They
asked!!! Be blessed and smile. God loves you and is proud of you.
— Happy I.
July 11, 2003
Shame? I didn't look to see how far you are out, but I feel soon you will
not give a rats patootie that you have had this surgery (or any improvement
surgery) or that people ask you about it.... once your
"improvement" starts. That being said I do feel that someday the
world will not care either. The implied stigma with ANY improvement
surgery will soon fade, but only with your help. I do think it boils down
to once we are not fat, then we become one of the ignored, or also known as
"socially acceptable" - the problem is NOW (the majority of us)
also become someone that is sympathetic to those currently still obese.
So, that doesn't make us popular either, especially in this society where
the obese are treated as second class citizens. It is amazing that once
the fat is gone, you really ARE considered a different person. Frustrating
to us who thought we were just regular folk to begin with! You know, in
our PC world, being able to find a group to belittle these days is hard!!
We can no longer pick on anyone who is of a different sex, race or
religion! So who is still attacked, and it is still allowed? The obese!
After all (she says, dripping with sarcasm) which group is there
"below" the "normal people" besides the obese? I say
(unsarcastically this time around) don't feed into that, and show no shame.
You chose a surgery to save your life, be it a Gastric or Quadruple Heart
Bypass! Would you have cared if this woman asked if you had heart surgery?
Would that have been less shameful of surgery performed to save your life?
It truly sucks how one is acceptable socially and one is not and it is all
because being obese IS NOT socially acceptable (therefore your life is not
worth saving)? Being thin IS socially acceptable- (so if you needed heart
surgery to save it, by all means, get it!! )Save that thin life, not that
fat one (sarcastic again)! It all boils down to a number on a scale, which
I find ridiculous- and have stated many times, the scale is your enemy (big
or small) ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, ok, I will go take a pill now... and release
the soapbox :) and chuck every scale I see out the window, problems solved.
— Karen R.
July 11, 2003
Kim, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You recognized you had a problem,
and you took a bold, decisive step to deal with it. There's something so
Puritanical about the whole concept that weight loss doesn't count if it's
not "natural," that if we can't control our condition with good
old diet and exercise, then there's something wrong with us or we just
don't have any willpower. People with heart disease could control their
condition with proper diet and exercise, but if they have to have quadruple
bypass surgery, does anyone accuse them of "taking the easy way
out?" Not likely. I tell anyone who asks about my WLS, and I really
don't give a rat's a*s if they "approve". Most importantly, I
know that with the advice of my doctor, my therapist, my surgeon and my
significant other, I made the best, most informed decision I could to take
care of a serious health problem that has dogged me my entire life. People
who "disagree" with my decision are simply ignorant of the facts,
and I don't waste my time and emotional energy arguing with them. I feel
GREAT and I'm happier than I've been in years. Yay for WLS!!!!!! So you
hold your head HIGH, and try not to worry what others may say about you
(what most of them are probably saying is "Wow, Kim looks great! I
wish I could lose that much weight!").
— Maggie T.
July 11, 2003
The only shame for me was not doing it. We all react differently to the
decisions we have to make but I will scream it from the roof top. To me it
was liberating, geez I was at Pier one shopping and just blurted out to the
cashier.
I am only 3 weeks post op and am so grateful my surgery is over with. I
made it to the other side and have an excellent tool to assist me. I
wonder what I would do after a boob job??
Seriously though, we are a courageous group of people. Be proud for taking
that step. No shame in that.
— Kelly P.
July 11, 2003
Never feel ashamed of having to have this surgery... feel PROUD that you
had the GUTS to take CONTROL of your LIFE and become HEALTHY again! :~)
THAT is NOTHING to be ashamed of! I stopped telling people I had surgery...
they would ask and then poo poo me... so, when someone asks now, I just
tell them I took control of my life and am working at becoming and staying
healthy! If they want a copy of the diet I am following, I give it to them.
If they are sincere enough... and you can tell... then I will open up to
them about the surgery. Too many people are ready to put us down because
oftheir own jealousy... don't let them do that to you! Continue to take
control of your life, and remain emotionally healhty. Good Luck and if you
ever need an ear, just email me! :~) (Even if you need to be lectured at
for feeling guilty... email me! LOL!!)
— Sharon M. B.
July 11, 2003
Kim...think positive. You were and are a brave person to have make the
choice to have surgery. You did what was best for YOU. Please do not feel
ashamed! As for telling others about the surgery...that is your choice and
no one else's buisness. If you ever need someone to chat with...please
e-mail me. Hugs, Kim
— Kimberly V.
July 11, 2003
All of us telling you that you have nothing of which to be ashamed probably
doesn't help much. But, with only one exception, I have yet to hear of a
single negative reaction from anyone who has learned that I had surgery.
You see, no one wants to admit that they judge people by their appearances
(even though we know many people do). . . so no one really wants to
critique someone who takes control over their weight.
I have taken a very open approach to my weight loss- that's why I put
together a website (http://steverevere.tripod.com), help out with my
support group and included friends, family, church members and neighbors in
my recovery. The support has been tremendous and helpful. You see, late
at night, when you can't sleep and you wander instinctively into your
kitchen you'll be on your own to fight your demons; and you'll be on your
own when you are trying to fight the temptation to hit the McD's or BK
drive-thru when you are able to handle solid food. So, having friends,
neighbors and family (and even strangers who are inspired by your efforts)
offering support will help bolster you during those lonely times. And, for
me, knowing that I have people monitoring my weight loss helps inspire me
to stay on course.
Good luck in your decision--- I know that, for me at least, I feel enough
presure without having to worry about what invented tale I would tell
people who ask about my weight loss. Trust that you will make the decision
that is right for you.
— SteveColarossi
July 11, 2003
PARDON ME? This is the only answer such a rude question deserves. WHY DO
YOU ASK? (with a little valley-girl-type eye roll) is another choice. Or,
WHICH SURGERY ARE YOU SPEAKING OF? if appropriate. I agree I don't want
EVERYONE to know - to those we can say we had "female surgery" if
they must know you had any surgery for some reason (Like you took time off
work). Those we trust with our feelings, we tell, the others can go - oh
whatever. Our right of privacy has nothing to do with shame - I feel no
shame, just pure joy at this blessing I've been given. I hope you don't
feel shame, either. This doesn't mean we owe anyone information on our
private lives, just as you wouldn't expect them to tell you about their sex
lives, medications, bathroom habits, or private meditations.
— Postop_nurse
July 11, 2003
Was the person doing the asking ASHAMED because he/she takes insulin? heart
meds? cholesterol meds? anti-psychotics? Many of us are obese because of
genetics, not McDonalds french fries. We couldn't really stop the freight
train of obesity from coming down the tracks aimed SMACK right at us, any
better than the nosy nellie asking you questions can control her genetic
predisposition to diabetes, etc. Shame on her...not on you:)
— kathy B.
July 11, 2003
I UNDERSTAND YOU......HOWEVER, I THINK you are feeling what I feel lately
....I keep wondering why and what caused me to get this lost in my
struggles...I personally have a very "supreme" and
"prissy" ego of my own... it's not really "shame" that
I feel about having to have this surgery but true self-disappointment....I
do feel failed in this battle with my weight....I normally excel at all I
set out to do...but here with my weight issue I have had to "pull out
the reserves" DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP ....because you like the rest of
us have had the courage to go the distance, in this battle to WIN...FINALLY
WIN !!!!!!!! Don't worry about telling others...DENY DENY DENY if you like
just don't allow the self shame it's too destructive! The only thing that
matters is you won...
— E. V.
July 11, 2003
You should be proud of yourself! I am proud of myself and EVERYONE else who
has had WLS. This has been such a hard, but yet wonderful journey. Nobody
that has not had the surgery will ever understand what we have done for
ourselves. I am more than willing to educate some of these people that have
to be so nosey and act like we have had liposuction over night or
something, like it was no big deal...I love to set them straight! Stand by
your hard work and let the world know that you loved yourself that much:o)
Good luck to you!
— Sandy M.
July 11, 2003
*Wide open eyes, eyebrows raised* "What on Earth would cause you to
ask such a sensitive and personal question?" *Shake head sadly, walk
away*
— Maria N.
July 11, 2003
I like some of the ideas you received, I must remember them! It's no wonder
you feel shame when even other fat people judge you: "Many of us are
obese because of genetics, not McDonalds french fries." As someone who
*was* obese because of overeating (and admits it), I can tell you I was
just as powerless against "the freight train of obesity" as
anyone else. I imagine this person did not mean to sound as judgmental as
she did, but this is the sort of thing we are up against. I'm 13 months out
from DS (duodenalswitch.com) and am just now beginning to feel comfortable
about telling some coworkers and other acquaintances about it. I did tell a
few obese coworkers early on, and now two of them won't speak to me! LOL
Everyone else is amazed and very happy for me, whether they know how I did
it or not.
— Chris T.
July 11, 2003
Maria...I think Kim asked this "personal and sensitive" question
because she needs some insight? What's so shocking about that?.... This
forum is for Questions and Answers isn't it?
— Kim W.
July 11, 2003
I will never feel ashame of WLS. I Thank God everyday for my WLS. and the
surgeon who did it. People are jerks, they like gossip, it gives them fuel,
it feeds their low self esteme(sp) no,I don't like whispers either but you
will never stop it from happening. It use to be if you loss any amount of
weight. Those jerks would point and whisper that you must have AIDS. I do
tell sometimes but to only thoughs I want to know. WLS has saved my life
and given me my life back. Theres all kinds of TOOLS out there, heart
people needs a pace maker, some folks have a glass eye, some folks needs
help getting it up. You know what Im talking about. LOL. and there are some
who needs meds to help them stay healthy and alive. But they don't go
around telling their business. so why should we tell ours. unless we want
to. I don't care nothing about the negitives out there. I don't tell them
to not put in their teeth do I? so they shouldn't have any say about what I
do with my body. NO IM NOT ASHAME OF WLS.
— Naes Wls J.
July 11, 2003
Kim W--I think Maria was just suggesting a response that Kim N. could use
in the future when other nosy/insensitive people ask outright about whether
she's had surgery.
— Maggie T.
July 11, 2003
Kim,
I felt the same way at first. I didn't want anyone to know. The only
person outside my husband and daughter I told was my best friend and I told
her if it got out I'd know who it came from. But now that my date is
scheduled and more time has passed I don't feel ashamed. I feel proud of
myself for having the courage to do this. I even had a semi friend admit
she was very jealous because she couldn't have it done, and she was one of
them I didn't want to know. So don't worry. Just realize how brave you are
and how many people are going to respect you for having the guts to do it.
They would think less of you for staying heavy, because if they sit in
judgement of you having surgery they do anyway due to their ignorance.
Nancy
— nancysho
July 11, 2003
<----Cyber kicking myself in the shin right now...Sorry
Maria.>^,,^<
— Kim W.
July 11, 2003
I definatly can relate to the shame part. For the longest time I felt like
there was something wrong with me in my head that I had to have this.(
There is something wrong with me medicaly. I'm MO.)I think just about
everyone goes thru the guilt/shame phase. It didn't help that I got mixed
signals from family members either. It made me feel like a failure or a
cheeter to take this road, although I knew intellectualy it would be a
longer and harder road to follow (I now know after having it that it is the
harder road to take) than continuing diets that didn't work, or if did made
me gain the weight back and then some. I finaly realized one day that there
is nothing to feel guilty or shame about. We have a disease that for most
post ops are in remission. Would you feel the same way if you had to have a
kidney transplant, or a heart transplant? You are makeing a medicaly
necessary decision to make your life better. As for the people who ask you
about it, if you don't feel comfortable talking to them about it, change
the subject or skirt around the question. Give them answers to questions
you want them to know. It's no one's business but yours and the people you
decide to tell. Now I'm 11 weeks out, and down 48 lbs. I don't give it a
second thought anymore. Good luck and God bless!
— mellyhudel
July 11, 2003
I definatly can relate to the shame part. For the longest time I felt like
there was something wrong with me in my head that I had to have this.(
There is something wrong with me medicaly. I'm MO.)I think just about
everyone goes thru the guilt/shame phase. It didn't help that I got mixed
signals from family members either. It made me feel like a failure or a
cheeter to take this road, although I knew intellectualy it would be a
longer and harder road to follow (I now know after having it that it is the
harder road to take) than continuing diets that didn't work, or if did made
me gain the weight back and then some. I finaly realized one day that there
is nothing to feel guilty or shame about. We have a disease that for most
post ops are in remission. Would you feel the same way if you had to have a
kidney transplant, or a heart transplant? You are makeing a medicaly
necessary decision to make your life better. As for the people who ask you
about it, if you don't feel comfortable talking to them about it, change
the subject or skirt around the question. Give them answers to questions
you want them to know. It's no one's business but yours and the people you
decide to tell. Now I'm 11 weeks out, and down 48 lbs. I don't give it a
second thought anymore. Good luck and God bless!
— mellyhudel
July 11, 2003
I also tell all who ask or if weight loss comes into a conversation. Today
I was in line at Macys (mega bargains now that I fit in stuff), and the
other women and I on the line were talking about sales, bargains, and
eventually sizes. A few talked about losing weight, so I said that I had
just lost 75 pounds and a few asked how. I said surgery. They looked at
me funny and I said "bypass--the Al Roker surgery". I got a few
raisedf eyebrows then said it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I
got a few questions about how I can eat, and how I felt, and i answered
them enthusiastcally and honestly. So the sales lady who had lost alot of
weight on Weight Watchers said"I suppose everyone knows what's best
for them, and you do look great, good luck". I did detect a tad of
sarcasm but who cares. By the way, those who I know and were skeptical
when I was a pre-op are quite pleased and supportive now that they see how
well you can do after it.You'll get there. Deal with each day at a time.
— Fixnmyself
July 11, 2003
Hi Kim- If the person was not asking you in a concerned, supportive manner,
I would look at them and say sweetly "now, how does that concern
you?". The only "shame" I noticed in your post was on the
part of the person who asked if you'd had surgery-incredibly bad manners,
unless he/she knows you well and cares about you. Good luck to you :o)
Mea
— Mea A.
July 11, 2003
I don't feel ashamed that I had wls......because if it was something we
could do ourselves successfully then insurance companies would not even be
covering this expensive surgery.
— jennifer A.
July 11, 2003
I know what you mean. I didn't tell anyone except the immediate family. I
didn't want the whole world to know I couldn't control something as simple
as what I put in my mouth. I felt it was a drastic and last attempt to do
something about my eating. I am now 6 months post op. I have lost 115 lbs.
When people ask how, I simply tell them part of the truth. I see a
nutritionist who is helping me to see my bad eating habits and helping me
fix them. If they ask what I eat, I tell them. I make sure to include all
the exercise I do. That usually turns them away. Like I was, they can't
imagine exercising 5 times a week for over a hour. We were given a
"tool" to help. We can go back to our old life styles and have
it not work. I like to think it really is me who is losing weight. It is
me who decides what I eat now, I decided how much I exericse. The only
thing the surgery does now is limit how much food I take in. Even that can
be misused with grazing. So really we are doing the work. The down side
to not telling others--you get pretty lonely not being able to share your
accomplishments. You become afraid someone will ask how. The few who
know, get tired of hearing it over and over. If you need someone to talk
to you can email me anytime. My email address is [email protected]
— june22
July 11, 2003
I am still pre-op...and I've only told 4 people about this surgery because
no one else needs to know. I feel terrible for having to do this...it makes
me feel like I'm an idiot for not being able to loose weight when EVERYONE
else around me can. People who are not overweight and struggling to loose
to be healthy, will never fully understand why we have taken such a drastic
step. I've simply accepted that as much as I explain the surgery itself
and why it is my last resort, all people will see is a fat girl who doesn't
want to diet. My husband also still thinks if I just follow the WLS diet
I'd get thin...even though he understands that without changing the stomach
and aborbstion of food, eventually, the second I eat normally, that I'll
gain any weight I've lost right back. He knows this, but still makes his
"suggestion". I regret telling my two best friends. One of them
clearly has an eating disorder herself (doesn't eat anything at all) which
I thought she had gotten over but hasn't now every time I mention my
surgery she tells me how lucky I am and that she's dropped another 10lbs by
not eating. I think my surgery is pushing her to loose weight, so I've
stopped talking to her about it altogether. Look, my point is simply
that...anyone who can relate to your situation will be sympathic and you
should never be ashamed of taking control of your life. You tell people
you're dieting and that's all they need to know...and you aren't lying.
You are dieting. They don't need to know about your surgical inhancement!
And if they do know, simply point out that liposucation is widely
acceptable form of weight control and no one feels ashamed for doing that!
— Renee B.
July 12, 2003
It makes me feel sad that you need to feel ashamed for having this surgery.
You should be damn proud of yourself!!! It takes a very brave person to
decide to do this and go through with it. This is no magic potion, and is
definitely something you have to work hard at once it's done. I have told
EVERYONE that I've had the surgery and I'm proud of it. If others don't
agree, it's their problem, NOT YOURS!!!! Most of the time it's because they
are ignorant and uneducated about the whole thing. Stand up and be proud of
yourself for giving yourself a new lease on life.
— Ceil G.
July 12, 2003
Kim, I was very worried about the response I would get when I told people I
was getting the surgery. I think you will be pleasantly surprise. I have
gotten such unwaivering support for family, friends and colleagues. They
all realized, without saying it, that I was sick and I needed to lose
weight to get my health back. I hope you are blessed with people around
you who realize that this is the best thing for you.
— kararuck
July 12, 2003
There is no shame in doing something that can possibly save your life. If
I had cancer would I be ashamed that I had to do chemo. I was more ashamed
when I could not fit in an airplane seat, or sit in a chair with arms,
could not play with my three small children. I was ashamed when I tried
just about every diet and weight loss program and found no success. With
this surgery I have a tool that has given me back my life. I am sad for
you. You have made a very difficult decision. A decision for life.
— igot2lose
July 12, 2003
Hi Kim. Everyone has different feelings about this surgery and there's
really no right or wrong way to feel about it. Personally I would consider
myself a weight loss surgery evangelist. I talk about it all the time -
work in the field and basically eat, sleep,live and breath weight loss
surgery. That's my choice and not everyone would want to be this way. I
hope that you are able to learn one thing from all the answers posted here
- there is no shame in needing to have this surgery. You may choose to
keep your decision to have surgery to yourself but I wouldn't do it out of
shame. Al Roker said it best when he said "If you had heart problems
and needed a bypass no one would think much about it. This really isn't
that different." How true! WLS is a surgical intervention for a
disease. In December of 2001 the Surgeon General recognized obesity as a
disease just as cancer and heart problems are diseases. The technical
definition for obesity is "A genetically based disease of excess fat
storage with multiple comorbidities". Certainly we make poor choices
when it comes to eating but people make poor choices every day in many
areas of their lives and we generally applaud them when the take the
necessary measures to correct them. It should be no different with weight
loss surgery. It's fine to want to keep your decision to have weight loss
surgery to yourself but please don't feel shame. You are courageous and
brave and SMART for recognizing a problem and taking whatever steps
necessary to regain your health and well being. I, along with tens of
thousands of others on this site, am VERY proud of you!
— ronascott
July 12, 2003
Hi. I'm still over 2 months pre-op. However, I've told everybody who would
be impacted about my upcoming surgery. I just started a new job, and I let
them know during the first week. First of, I figured that I'd have to
explain my absence at some point. But moreover, I felt like I had to fight
to get the job, competing against younger and thinner people. I wanted to
convince my new employer that he made the right decision in hiring me,
because I'm now a proactive person. I see a problem and confidently take
measures to solve it. The fact that I was so open about the matter
convinced him that I have convictions and bravery. These are good qualities
in an employee.
As for friends and relatives ... I told all of my family and close friends.
It just seemed right. Nobody tried to talk me out of it. Most had many
questions, including whether or not I'd researched WLS enough to make this
decision. When confronted with the questions, I answered thoroughly, citing
all the data (good & bad). I have made an informed decision, and I know
that everybody respects me for it.
Now, I'm no pro at this, especially since I'm still pre-op. But it seems to
me that we are ashamed of so many things already. We blame ourselves for
having an illness that we can't control. THAT'S a shame & it's time to
stop it. Informing the people in our lives about the decision to have WLS
is a first step in dumping our unhealthy attitudes about ourselves.
— Annie H.
July 12, 2003
I may be wrong too, but I think the poster is saying something different.
Of course she is happy she had the surgeyr done, and that it has saved and
prolonged her life. I think may be she is ashamed that she had to resort
to surgery in the first place. So many (outsiders) see this as the easy or
cheaters way out. (We know this is not true.) How many of us looked in
the mirror, failed at a diet (AGAIN), gained more weight and felt ashamed
and like a failure? Take heart sweetie. You may have failed before but
have done wonderfully ever since!! Try not to feel shame. You have done
what is right for you. The regular skinny people have never had to diet.
The fat ones aren't ready to admit to needing surgery. And all of us here
at AMOS love and accept you.
— candylnd24
July 12, 2003
I think I'd look them straight in the eye and respond, "My goodness, I
don't know how anyone could ever answer such a personal question!"
kind of gasp when you say it... and turn and walk away. I figure if they
had the right to ask such a question, they wouldn't be needing to because
they'd already KNOW from you. eh?
— [Deactivated Member]
July 12, 2003
Gee, EVERYwhere I go, EVERYone I see I get such positive feedback.
Everyone is very proud of what I've done and ever so encouraging. I am
proud of me. This is no easy way out. It's a marvelous tool that I intend
to make VERY good use of! I LOVE talking about my WLS experience and I
LOVE the NEW me! I have yet to hear one negative remark. But you can be
sure I would 'address' it if I did!! ;)
This is a good thing we have done for ourselves. I thank God there was a
way...that we have this chance at such a happier and healthier life.
— Ginger M.
July 12, 2003
Kim, I understand what you mean about being ashamed that it got to this
point. It's a bit humbling, isn't it? We're more used to pretending that
everything's ok and that our weight isn't really a problem...
But at the same time, if you had another health problem, nobody would
question you for getting treatment. If you were an alcoholic, they'd laud
you for recognizing the problem and doing something about it.
And I think you'll be pleasantly surprised that most people in your life
will do just that. I mean, who are we kidding - they KNOW we were obese
and they know our health was deteriorating. I decided to tell the truth
about my operation and I'm very glad I did. I got a lot of support and
it's much easier than living with lies. There were one or two people who
felt it was too drastic and had horror stories about friends who had bad
operations years ago but they were still supportive and were glad I was
doing something about my weight, even if it wouldn't have been their
choice. And in the process, I think they changed their preconceptions
about the operation.
Even now, when people comment what a great job I did losing so much weight,
and how hard that must have been, I have a small twinge of guilt when I say
"Actually, I had an operation". I guess because I feel it wasn't
that "hard", but that's silly. It's the most effective solution
to the problem, and isn't that what we usually look for in any problem
solving scenario? Pat yourself on the back; you took the bull by the horns
and did something about it to change your life forever.
It's completely your decision how much you want to tell people about your
health; that's personal after all. But I wonder if the shame from lying
about the operation might not end up being the same or greater than the
shame from having to have the operation? The truth is so much less
complicated and I've found most people are eager to learn more about the
whole procedure, or have a friend who'd like to talk to me about it, LOL.
— sandsonik
July 13, 2003
Kim-
This is just my opinion and what I have done before and after my surgery.
Before the surgery I let my friends and family know about it and they were
happy for me and very supportive. After the surgery when people I know
asked what kind of surgery I had I told them they also were all very
supportive of my decision and actually wanted to know all about it. If
someone asks me about it and has a problem with what I tell them well...
they shouldn't have asked about it in the first place. Quite honestly who
cares I did it for me not for them.
— Dorothy N.
July 14, 2003
Kim, I didn't have the patience to read all the responses you've gotten, so
I don't know if anyone has actually answered your question, "How do I
get over the shame. . . "
I'm afraid I can't answer that question for you either, except to say it is
different for everyone. Your profile is private so I have no idea how far
out you are or how much you have lost, but for me, it was several months
and almost 100 pounds later before I got over the shame. I told only a few
people prior to the surgery, and that was only at the urging of my husband
who made me tell because he knew family would be furious if something
happened to me during and they didn't know. I told them through tears of
shame. Only after losing a bunch of weight and hearing the compliments and
feeling good about myslef, did I develop an "I don't give a f***"
attitude. Now almost 2 years later, I will tell everyone and anyone.
I hope you are able to get over your feeling of shame, and please know,
that you are not at all alone in what you are feeling.
— Danielle M.
July 14, 2003
The only shame I have is that I ate myself half to death in the first
place. I am proud that I had the "guts" to better myself and get
the help I needed to get my life back. I live in a small town too and it
is no secret that I had WLS. Poo-poo to those who dont like it or dont
understand. I have had several people ask me for info about WLS and I have
gladly answered all their questions. What a great feeling it is knowing
that I may have helped someone get their life back too. Good luck to you.
~Sidney~ Open RNY 10-23-02 down 100+ and counting
— Siddy I.
July 16, 2003
well, i understand that you feel somehow ashamed, though i don't have a
clue as to why.
would you be ashamed of, say, wearing glasses? or would you feel MORE
ashamed of wearing glasses vs contacts? how about having a c-section over
a 'natural' delivery? would you feel shame over needing an inhaler to
deliver medicine to control asthma? or insulin for diabetes? or, even,
coloring your hair, to cover grey? how about wearing a bra, to support
'what would otherwise sag'? do any or all those things cause shame? what
about bypass surgery, whether the cause for the need is self-inflicted or
not? how about transplant surgery? would some surgery be more acceptable
than others?
please, i'm NOT attacking you, and i truly feel pain that you feel ashamed
of yourself for doing something pro-active and life-affirming. those of us
who need, who have had this surgery didn't get to that point by only eating
a few krispy kremes. we didn't get that way solely by anything external.
we all have a genetic predisposition, coupled with an unhealthy
relationship with food . either one, alone, is survivable. the
combination, however, as we all have seen isn't. and to feel shame for
that, to me, imo, is like being ashamed of hair and/or eye color, blood
type, or anything else which is totally outside of our own control. it's
like being ashamed that we aren't impossible.
i've lived in small towns and large cities, and honestly, there isn't a
monopoly on ignorant people by any one type of location. however, if you
choose to buy into their ignorance, to give it importance, to give it
legitimacy, then, ulitimately, you accept it, and make it your own.
just a question.... do you feel contempt for all the rest of us, who've had
this surgery, along with your own shame for having had it?
— tuxedoll
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