Question:
Post Op Marital Issues
I had my surgery 4/29/03 (-50lbs. so far), have been married 18 years and just got a heck of a shock. With all the emotional issues that come along with the surgery itself, I just discovered my husband has been having a sort of "mini-affair" for the last 6 months!! They both say it was more of a very intense "friendship" that never quite got physical. ANYWAY...they spent unbelievable amounts of time talking on the phone (including 9 times the day I had my surgery). He did not want me to have the surgery (says he was worried about me), and now that I have seen her I am really bummed. She is bigger than I ever was. Now he says he wants his family and is ever so sorry. Now how the hell do I deal with this? — chippywah (posted on July 2, 2003)
July 2, 2003
How do you WANT to deal with this? Personally, I'm more upset with the
idea of an emotional affair than a physical one where intense emotion
wasn't necessarily involved. I agree with the previous poster that
counceling sounds like an excellent idea if you wish to pursue keeping your
marraige together. Questions I'd be asking are "How many times has
this happened before?" "Was/is he a good husband in most other
aspects?" "Are you still friends?" "How well do you
deal with betrayal?" These are all things that a councelor can help
you think about (and many others) and help YOU to sort out whether this is
an investment you wish to keep putting your efforts into or whether it's
time to pull out! I sure wish you tons of luck!
— [Deactivated Member]
July 2, 2003
Hi there, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I don't think there is
anything more devastating than finding out that someone you love and trust
has betrayed you. I would suggest that you attend counseling alone and
together with your husband. If he does not want to go, then just go by
yourself. You could tell him that if he truly wants his family back that
he needs to do this with you so you can both work through it. Otherwise,
if he doesn't put out any effort, will you ever be able to trust him again?
Counseling has really helped me personally in the past, and it can be
through an actual counselor or if you go to church, through a church leader
(pastor, priest, etc.) But most of all I would suggest doing some private
counseling anyway to help you deal with not only your surgery but with your
feelings about what you've discovered. It's hard to trust again after
something like this, and talking to someone about it may help you sort
through your feelings. Good luck!
— beeda
July 2, 2003
This may not be the *best* time to make decisions like this-you are under
the influence of all those freed hormones that were stored in fat. I stay
with the old Dear Abby question- are you better off with him or without
him?
— Karen N.
July 2, 2003
I am going to go out on a limb here... and throw a theory out....Do you
think it's possible this "emotional affair" intensified after
your decision to do the surgery??? There are men out there that find
security in being with a "bigger" woman. I noticed tha since I
have announced my decision the men I am around now have become very
"worried" about how I will change after the surgery and if I will
change "too much".....My guess is he is acting out of the fear
that you will become, thin, happy, more beautiful and suddenly want
more....then bam! his security is gone... I think this isn't a good time
for dramatic decisions right now ....just sit back and observe his actions
and his sincerity will be revealed....Best wishes ...I will be praying for
you
— E. V.
July 2, 2003
Has he agreed not to talk with her again? And do you believe him when he
says he is sorry and wants his family, or is he just sorry he got caught?
What has been his track record during the 18 year marriage-does he treat
you with respect and love? I definitely suggest counseling. The trust
factor, once lost is a tough one to get past, and some can't quite get past
the betrayal. An emotional affair, instead of a physical one is sometimes
more devastating. You have to decide if you want this marriage to continue
and if so, go into counseling to work out these issues, which include his
willingness to give up his buddy for good. Your emotions/hormones are not
in the best place right now, being a fairly new post-op, so give any major
decisions some time.
— Cindy R.
July 2, 2003
I agree with an earlier answer - your hubby's emotions are on a
roller-coaster too. He was probably feeling a little neglected by you as
you researched the surgery, had all the pre-op attn, and all the attention
after surgery. Now that you are looking good, he may be worried that you
will become a skinni-mini and leave him... so he was reaching out for
emotional support - but, he let it get carried away. I would keep an eye
on your goal and keep a close eye on him also.
— Valerie H.
July 2, 2003
I went through this kind of thing with my EX husband. Once a cheater always
a cheater.....I didnt believe it. I said that he regrets what he did, he
is sorry, he wants to keep our family together ect. I forgave him and I
watched him like a hawk because I didnt trust him...Then I went to work and
I couldnt watch him. He knew it and started cheating again. When I talked
to him about it he told me that he still loves me, it just happened and he
thought that would forgive him because I did before. I can tell you that
after the first time I never forgave him in my heart and I certainly never
trusted him again. Also like your hubby, mine cheated with a woman heavier
than me (I knew nothing of wls back then). I left him and am happily
remarried to a GREAT (noncheating)guy.
Us pre-opers are under a tremendous strain and on an emotional
rollercoaster. We are scared, nervous...all of those things our spouses
feel and MORE.....did you go out and cheat?? What if someone were being
treated for an illness and was too ill to have sex...Is it fair for the
spouse to have an affair or should he/she remain faithful to the sick
spouse until they were better?? How much of an excuse is necessary to make
it ok to cheat? I agree with a previous poster who said that an emotional
affair is worse......these 2 people have created a bond. And what kind of
a concerned husband spends 1/2 the day on the phone with his girlfriend
when his WIFE, MOTHER OF HIS BROOD, is having major
surgery!?!?!?!~~~~~Sorry, Im kind of ranting here, but I VIVIDLY remember
the hurt and humilation that my ex caused me with his selfishness..GOOD
LUCK....your welcome to email [email protected]
— cherokey55
July 3, 2003
If you keep him, I suggest counseling... to rebuild trust is critical. Even
if he never cheates (emotionally or physically) again, if you even THINK he
is cheating on you it will be impossible to live with him after a first
betrayal.
— kultgirl
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