What is WRONG with me??

I'm three weeks out. Yesterday I had a moment of extreme weakness and tried to eat one of the steamed pork dumplings my sister's boyfriend brought over. Predictably, I hurled it up. Apparently I didn't learn my lesson, because fifteen minutes ago I tried to eat a slice of onion bread. Yeah. I hurled. Again. Aside from these two stupid, stupid incidents I've never had any issues with nausea or vomiting. Why am I sabotaging myself?? It's like the pain of getting food stuck and then throwing it up is completely eclipsed by my cravings. I'm especially angry with myself because I just shelled out half my last paycheck on a personal trainer. All that money and I can't even resist a slice of bread!

Sigh.

(Thanks for being there, OH board. I don't know what I'd do without you.)

The only thing that is "wrong" with you is that you still have the same urges to eat that you had before surgery and have not developed any new coping skills to deal with the urge to eat things that you know are not in your best interest.  As cliche as it may be, it is TRUE that they operate on our digestive system, not our brains... and the key to maintaining the weight loss down the road is dealing with the psychological, emotional, and behavioral things that contributed to the obesity in the first place.  Without doing that, it will always be the same mental battle it was pre-op, just with a smaller (and possibly, but not always, more temperamental) tummy.

Lora

You speak the truth as always. I'm seeing a psychologist, but I'm afraid to cop to my food addiction -- I feel so much shame that I can't control myself. I'm so disciplined in every other area of my life (straight-A student, etc) that I feel I've failed somehow when it comes to food. :-/

Been there, done that. I credit my success to FINALLY acknowledging and addressing my serious emotional and psychological issues with food. Seriously. 220 lbs gone and it wouldn't have been possible without taking that first step and admitting that I have serious issues with food. It's very freeing actually to finally admit to someone that you have a problem with food addiction. Good luck!!

 You are not alone. I went thru the same thing. I think that it just took a while for me to figure out how to eat all over again. Some people catch on fast and others need repetitive punishing like me. Lol. I think now that I am 7 weeks post op I tend not to do it to myself as much. So there is hope. You are learning a whole new life style. It may take some time

 I'm really glad to hear that. Sometimes I feel like the only one dealing with these issues, because I don't know any WLS vets and my NUT and surgeon think I'm a model patient. I'm really grateful for the punishment, weird as it might seem. Thank god I wasn't able to eat the whole LOAF of bread, which I totally would have a month ago. It's really encouraging to know that you've moved past this, at least a little bit. Baby steps, right?  

 Exactly, baby steps. It does get a little easier day by day. I have a problem with eating too fast when it comes to dinner. I just feel like I can't shove the food in fast enough. But then it comes right back up. You would think I should have learned that 7 weeks post. So I know exactly where you're coming from. And I also have the feeling that I am the only one something is happening too. I would really suggest a support group to go to if you're not already. That helps me a ton! Good luck and if you have any other questions you can contact me any time

Do you think you are addicted to food?  and if you don't, what do you think made you feel you absolutely had to eat those things?

The emotional/mental stuff that goes along with this journey can be so intense.  For me, if I really want to eat something, I used to feel really deprived if I tried to resist it.  I felt almost like I was being punished.  It took a lot of time in therapy to figure out where that feeling came from and to start to deal with it.  And I'm not done dealing with it, but at least I understand it better now.

 As recent as a month ago I would have scoffed at the idea of being a food addict. Now I know that I absolutely am one. I have no idea what to do about it. I can't avoid food. It's not like alcohol: I need food to live. I'm going to have to confront it multiple times a day for the rest of my life. 

I know EXACTLY what you mean about the mental/emotional stuff -- I never, ever anticipated that that would be the most difficult part of this journey, but it totally is. I thought I had a weight issue. Turns out, I have a food issue. And I know exactly what you mean about deprivation and resistance -- it really does feel like punishment, and only makes me want it more! I feel like some kind of recovering famine victim, constantly fighting the urge to eat or hoard all the food I can see in case it disappears. I'm in therapy, and my next session I'm definitely going to talk about this. I thought I could overcome it on my own, but clearly I can't. I just have to work on no longer seeing that as a sign of weakness.

I think it's a strength to admit there is a problem and seek help for it.  It's certainly not easy to do that.  Much easier just to eat cookies.  It takes strength to be willing to face the discomfort and be willing to do the hard work.

You're right, you can't abstain from food.  Talking about these issues in your therapy is a great place to start.  You might wanna look into Overeaters Anonymous, too.  Some people find that helpful, some don't, but you could always go to a meeting and see.  You can also try telling yourself, next time you get the urge to eating something you know will not be good for you, that this is your addiction talking and you don't have to let the addiction control you.  You can start taking control back.