Partners Addiction

I am so lost and not sure what to do.  A few weeks ago I discovered that my fiance had been binge drinking vodka to the point of passing out.  He was hiding the bottles in his bathroom downstairs.  When I finally figiured it out I confronted him and asked him why he was hiding and drinking so much alcohol.  He told me he had no reason for it.  I told him him if that was the case I wasn't comfortable with him drinking like that and wanted him to stop.  He promised he wouldn't do it again.  Next weekend I go downstairs to do some laundry and he is acting goofy and I ask him what he is drinking and he tells me water.  I pick up the glass and smell it and it is vodka.  I go pour it out and ask him where he hid the bottle and it is in a new hiding place in the bathroom and I make him pour it out. 

The next morning when he is totally sober I had a conversation with him and told him if he had a drinking problem I would support him if he went to treatment, but if he didn't and continued to drink we were done. He swore to me he didn't need to seek treatment and he didn't have to drink and it was a stupid mistake and he wouldn't do it again.  I firmly told him that if it happened again we were over and he would be moving out.  I asked him if he understood and he said yes.

Last night I am awoken at midnight by a loud crash in my bathroom and I have no idea what the heck is going on and I yell out to him if he dropped something and he said yes.  This morning I woke up and the towel rack was completely torn off the wall.  So I went downstairs to his bathroom and started looking and guess what I found.  One empty bottle of whiskey and another half empty bottle of one hidden behind the toilet. 

I am at a total loss what to do.  I feel like I have given him chance and chance again and he just keeps doing it.  Obviously, he has a problem but refuses to get help.  If he would get treatment I would let him stay, but I feel like I can't trust him at all anymore and I am just heartbroken over the whole thing.  If I keep giving him more chance I know he will just keep drinking and quite honestly it is no good for my mental well being.

Sorry this is so long...thanks for taking the time for reading...

Christy

 Oh hell.

First question of course I have to ask because of where we ARE right now -- is he a post op too?

xo

No Beth he isn't a post op.  He has normal guts

Well, that's a start.  I am sorry you have to do this.

http://al-anonfamilygroups.org/affected-by-someones-drinking

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5048a_qa.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/166042-my-boyfriend-alcoholic.html

First I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Second, you cannot change him or fix his addiction.

Coming from a former drug addict, clean 11 years, he has to hit the bottom or has to want to help .  You cannot force him.

You can either stay with him or break up with him. 

It is not healthy for you to be in this relationship if you want him to stop and he doesn't.  I lived with both an alcoholic and a drug addict, (me being drug addict, I hate drinking) and we had to break up in order for myself to get clean and sober.  I also couldn't handle his drinking as well. 

Go to al-anon .. for people who have alocholics in their lives. 

Also, alcoholism is a disease as well.

My concern would be first that he is hiding it from you! That alone sounds like a big problem... if he is hiding it he knows its wrong, knows its a problem!

We all have issues right... What you do is your decision...I would insist on getting help and if he refuses then I would be leaving...but that is me. I always think "if your hiding this, then what else are you hiding?" and I can't live like that.

Good luck on this, it is absolutely NOT easy...
Juls

Those are my biggest issues...he is totally hiding it and he lied straight to my face about it. 

I would stay with him if he decided to seek treatment for his addiction but I can't be with someone who is boozing it up all the time, because to be honest it just makes me want to drown myself in a bottle too....which we all know seems to be a more common issue amongst WLS patients. 

Thanks everyone for your replies.  It means a lot.

Christy

Look at the changes you have made in your life... just take a quiet minute and reflect.... now look at your current situation...

Please don't go backwards because he isn't doing well...NO man is worth that.

When he is sober talk to him tell him... lay it out ... I have talked to you twice, caught you lying and hiding three times..YOU have a problem, I am willing to stick by you WHILE you get HELP....if you refuse to acknowledge that there is a problem then I can'****ch you do this to yourself, and I have no choice but to end our relationship.

That is what I would do...

Big giant warm hugs! 

if he's lying, and hiding his drinking, then he has a problem, straight up. People who can control what and where they drink don't feel the need to hide it.

He has a problem, he's not admitting to it. If you keep putting up with it, without him accepting responsibility, then you're enabling his addiction.

Set firm limits. If that means putting him out the door, then do it. Or leave yourself. You deserve better than that.

IMO - he is an alcoholic, hard core.  He will drink ... My ex was like that.  Since we lived 100 miles apart I did not find out the real issue with his addiction.  After we got married and moved in together - he promised me he will stop - "when he is ready to... " That never happened. He continued drinking and he become more and more verbally abusive as the time went by (only when he was drunk)
I asked him to chose - Since we are not together - you know what he did.

IMO - since he lied to you over and over - there is a good chance that even if he goes for a treatment - he may be back to drinking - and it may be a while before you find out. 
I would ask him to leave, and only if he gets sober and stays sober for at least 6 months - I may consider taking him back.

I learn the hard way. (HUGS)