Still see the fat guy

I posted this on the general forum by mistake so please forgive the double post

I don't usually post much on here or reply to very many threads as it seems I usually **** somebody off. Mainly some of the older 'vets' as I don't really buy into the 'my way is the only way' mentality. With that being said. I am 18 months out from surgery.

Why do I still see the fat guy in the mirror.  After having lost 183 lbs and being 10 pounds under goal,  people say nice things to me about how I look and I mutter "thanks" and scurry away. I know I am thinner and I buy pants that are a lot smaller, but I still feel like that fat guy I used to be. Psychologists call the tension between two opposing thoughts about yourself cognitive dissonance. Mostly people rationalize that difference (like smokers who know it is bad for their health, but claim to love the taste) or change their behavior to reduce the internal tension. I am not sure what do about this difference between what people say, which is both flattering and closer to reality than how I see myself.  People close to me say I have lost enough and don't need to lose anymore. I keep hearing in my head the vets saying you need to get to 100% EWL to be a winner at this. To do that I would have to get to 179 pounds and I haven't weighed that much since my mother squirted me out 60 years ago. I guess what I need to do is go buy a new mirror and make myself see just how much I have accomplished and how much my life has changed since I started the journey. It is time to embrace my new me and time to put what is considered 'normal' on the BMI charts in the trash. As long as you are comfortable with yourself it doesn't really matter what a chart or somebody else says. We are all heading to the same place but we may take different roads and routes to get there. Some may get there faster then others but as long as you get there safe it doesn't matter how long it takes. From 388 to 205 as if this morning.

I obviously don't want to go back to actually being the fat guy and I do want to be a gracious recipient of compliments about how I look, but I am struggling to move from my former self-image to a new one.

If there is a pic it is sideways and I can't figure out how to change it. If there isn't one it is in my profile.

Me too!  I'm only 4 months out and not all the way there.  But I still see myself as a BIG woman.  I'm not sure how to get past this.  Curious to see other responses.

I personally think how you feel is absolutely normal. Before my surgery a few years back I lost a lot of my weight- for all of a month before I regained all plus more.  Anyway, I struggled with the same feelings.  I looked in the mirror and still saw the rolls and imperfections.  It wasn't until I gained allllll the weight back that I realized how good I looked, even with the rolls :) now I.  Now I could kick myself for not being happy with all that I had achieved.  So... Since you will NOT gain your weight back please learn from my experience!  As time goes on your normal will change. It will be the thin you and it will get easier.  Until then be kind to yourself and do not compare yourself to others and what the vets might say.  The charts say I should be no more than 145.  My dr says 170 might be perfect for me.  I will see when I get there :). This journey is about being healthy, not a competition or all or nothing game.  You have done great!  Relax and enjoy your hard work paying off :).  Hope this helped :)

Dang, Bob - you have lost an entire person!   Honestly, you look great but I can totally understand the disconnect.  I'm constantly asking my husband when we're out "am I her size?"  or "am I bigger than her?" and he looks at me like I'm CRAZY and says "you are way smaller!"  

Right now what's helping is that I'm in an exercise class and I'm frequently standing in front of a mirror next to other women who I consider to be average or small size.  And I'm able to physically see that my size is comparable to them.   It's helping me wrap my mind around how I REALLY look rather than how I think I look. 

Another activity that I've seen therapists do with patients who have eating disorders:  they make them lie down on a big piece of paper (newsprint or butcher paper) and then someone outlines their body with a marker.  Once they get up and hang up the picture they see their true size.  I've heard of people being moved to tears because they never realized they were that small!  Maybe that activity would help you? 

As for the vets that say anything less than 100% EWL isn't "good enough" - bull!  You have probably lengthened your life by a good 10 years with all the work you've done.  Only you and your doctor get to decide when you're done and what your maintenance weight will be.  

All the best to you as you continue this journey! 

I did this yesterday in the grocery store..a woman was walking ahead of my son and I and I asked him if I looked like her or was I bigger or smaller. It's a total disconnect..I went to the thrift store to buy some jeans..and I now fit in a size 14.  My surgery was 5.5 months ago and I wore a size 24. I'm hoping my brain catches up soon LOL

Colleen 

Im 14 mos out and i feel like that, as well. I keep looking at myself in the mirror, trying to get use to me, but when i look down to my own legs, I see fat legs and i always go the biggest size, first. I have been fat all my life, i was born fat, and these change happened recently, the last 14 months, so for 41 years i was or am fat, its going to take a while before i can connect with the real view of me, and i will get there, a minute at the time.

I'm over 3 years out and still have moments.  Pictures.  Do just what you did in this thread - look at before/during/after pictures so you can see the changes.  Just looking in a mirror doesn't do it.  You need a point of reference.

As far as goal weight is concerned or whether need to push for 100% EWL, everyone seems to agree that the BMI chart is ****** and that's what EWL is based on.  Lose until you're healthy and mobile, and you don't have to horribly restrict your eating or crash diet to maintain your weight, or exercise all day to keep the extra pounds off.  Then stop.  If that's 100%, 80% or 50% of EWL, you're still a success.

Bob, so very well done!  What do you "see" when you look at your pictures?  That is where I see the difference when I can't see it in the mirror.  As for compliments given- wow- that just takes practice.  Having a few stock replies ready wouldn't hurt either- "Why, thank you for noticing; I'm feeling very healthy these days".  By the way, Bob, you're looking great!  Bonnie.

I don't have any words of advice, just understanding.

I'm down 50 and I don't see it the way everyone else does.  It doesn't make any sense, but I do get it.

Hang in there!

You have kicked some major ass here!! Wow what an accomplishment!

I gotta say, you don't sound very happy. More 'resigned' to 'this is life now'. How prepared do you think you were for this life changing decision? Of course your reflection in the mirrow may NEVER catch up with what you really look like to everyone else. I hope you can be satisfied with that?? That's why we are always quick to mention that 'this isn't brain surgery' for a lot of reasons.

Just read another newbie post about how 4oz of salmon didn't sound like too much but when she cooked it and had it in front of her she didn't know how she'd manage to get it all down! Perception is individual. What we have in our heads for years is something akin to getting our money's worth. Bigger plates, bigger portions, all you can eat, (still gags me). We don't truly think we'll be satisfied with less food, and better choices.

But we learn. Some of take awhile longer to get it. Some of us push the envelope and dive out there sooner than they should. Some newbie's first words are "when can I eat" or "will I ever be able to eat like before?".....such foolishness.

You haven't pissed me off, I enjoyed your post. But just know that even though you were a big guy and might have been used to blending in with the others, know that you ARE visible, you are a champ, you are a person who deserves to feel good about himself and by golly, you've sure earned it!

Excellent job! Congratulations.