Help! Denial ain't just a river

OK so this is half-rant and half-freak out --- so bear with me! I'm in process of pre-op testing and ins. approval and I'm pretty much going a little nutty. The only people who know I'm getting the surgery are my DH, my ex and my shrink. My shrink is good for support, but she's tiny so can't really empathize. My ex is sweet, but I don't really talk to him about the personal stuff. And my DH is sort of detached from the whole thing - which is wiggin' me out. I mean he's read all the literature I brought home from the docs and he watched a slide show about the RNY procedure online, but he didn't come to the seminar and didn't ask my doc or nurse anything when he took me in for my EGD. I told him that I'm anxious and all my fears and hopes; and he just sort of took it all in but didn't react. Everytime I bring up the surgery, he just says "As long as you're happy, I'm happy." WTF?! He's got to be having some sort of reaction. Or is that just wishful thinking on my part? I start to talk about plans and he melts out of the room to play guitar or video games. When I get stressed about the ins. or how long it's taking to get test results and medical records, he just says "There's no point in getting stressed about it, you'll get the surgery sooner or later." ACK! If I have to wait too long for surgery, things will just get worse - I can't lose any weight restricting my diet anymore and I'm so tired and in so much joint pain that significant exercise is pretty much out of the question. I'm looking into home gym equipment to add to our existing treadmill and he'll probably want to use it, too. But instead of giving me info so I get a system that works for both of us, he starts complaining about money (but he just bought himself a new $1500 guitar!). On the advice of my therapist, I brought up that a lot of changes will happen when I start losing weight, and not just the physical ones either. I told him that I'll probably be (more) emotional and start being more confident, etc. I told him that a lot of couples have problems during this process and invited him to read the forums (which he didn't). He just said "I'm not worried about anything. Whatever makes you happy." I brought up common issues: worry about cheating, stress of changing roles and confidence levels, problems with body image and feeling attractive again.... and got NOTHING. My goal is to be half the person I am today and twice the personality! I mean, my whole life is about to radically change and my husband just seems to be a bystander. He's not being mean or trying to undermine me, he just doesn't seem to care about this all that much. I know he cares about me, but he won't talk to me about stuff, he won't plan... heck, he won't even acknowledge that things might be seriously different and that they might affect him and us (let alone how he FEELS about it). He did admit that he was a little concerned about me dying in surgery, but since it's such a low probability "not that much"!!! Am I crazy? Am I being too hard on him? Am I expecting too much? Did any of you experienced this? Did it ever work out? If it happened to you and things went weird in your relationship after WLS, do you think it might not have been so bad if your partner had gotten engaged earlier in the process? I feel at wit's end; and even though he's "supportive" of my decision, I still feel like I'm going through all this on my own . :help: Thanks everybody! -Jennine

Yeah, my partner isn't much better...she is very thin you can literally see her ribs, though she eats plenty... She has struggled to understand my weight issues over the past 15 years we have been together. But now she sees this as a way to save my health and that's all she sees. So, when the insurance approved me way earlier than expected, she just said "great, better to get it over with sooner" without realizing how this affects me emotionally. But she has always sort of been like that. Things are just matter-of-fact to her. She knows that neither of us would cheat and can't understand any of the other issues you raised. So, I talk to my friends who are more "normal" in this respect--get the empathy and concern and depth that I need from them. She is there in so many other ways for our family, that I have (sadly) learned not to expect her to be there in EVERY way for me. On the other hand, if I lay it on the table--meaning I literally say something like, "I am going to tell you something that is important and upsetting to me"--this lets her know not to bru**** off. She can't get it the way I want her to, but she does understand my concerns better and can respond in a more supportive way that doesn't make me want to strangle her.

it might be hard for him to tell you that he is afraid that you might cheat. He doesn't want you to get up set. it might also be his way of dealing with he's fears not all guys tall about how they feel. I know that sometimes i have to drag it out of my husband. He did final tell me that he feels like when i ma complaing about my feet and back hurting that I am rubbing it in that I am having the sugery and he is not. yes he is over weight and wants to have surgery the only things is that he has a 5000 decutible with his insruance and we don't have that kind of money right know. so he is realy strugling him self. Don't give up on him it might be easer for him if you right down how you feel and give heim a chancee to read it and may be right you back our set a time aside to talk about. reashore him that he is the support that you want and need. I think that is one of the reason the marriage fall aprt becsause the are going to the wrong person for support. nicki